Thursday, January 07, 2010

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Irrelevance

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"Complimentary rose service begins after takeoff."

Hey, do you guys remember JAKE from Jillian's season of The Bachelorette? He was that airline pilot who was totally intense, fell in love in one date, came back after being kicked off to tattle-tell on Wes for having a girlfriend, then had a tearful hissy fit over a hotel balcony - remember? Well, because his Bachelorette antics proved to be a stellar audition for the role of The Bachelor, ABC bought in and Jake is back to find himself some love! Because he is a commercial pilot and back in the 60's that was sexy (okay it's still sexy, just not as romanticized - plus Captain Sully is ushering in a new era of pilot worship) this season has been dubbed "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love." Try not to puke.

Here is the image they'd like us to have in our mind's eye regarding Jake:

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Come fly with me!

Here is the image I have in my mind's eye regarding Jake:

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Come cry with me.

Either way, he strikes me not as sincere, but as a huge phony. Like he did exactly what he thought the producers would want him to do so that he could be the next Bachelor. Why? I have no idea, and it's all just my opinion, so who cares? So we join Jake recounting the momentous misery he experienced last season when Jillian dismissed him. Maybe he is vying for Chris Harrison's job because everything he says is so dramatic. "I was CRUSHED. Nice guys finish last!" etc. Calm down. He retreated to Dallas to nurse his wounds in seclusion for a while, then after he "made it through that fire" (his words), he decided he's ready once again to find a woman. Jake is always shirtless unless he's wearing his pilot blouse - complete with shoulder epaulets, lest we forget that he is stunning and important. He says, "The most powerful emotion is love. (Big pause) Love is perfect. (Big pause) It endures." I would say scripted, but with this guy it may just be part of his persona. They may not need too many cue cards for him this season because he's been on a roll since Jillian. We have a huge montage of Jake working out, of course, and standing around in front of airplanes (he's a pilot!), talking about how his office is at 37,000 feet. They keep showing Southwest planes. Does he fly for Southwest? How prestigious! For funsies Jake flies aerobatic airplanes - the little ones that do loop-the-loops. Jake happens to mention that he's the ONLY ONE in his family not in medicine. So not only is he an amazing hero, he also comes from a whole family of amazing heroes! Who wouldn't want them for in-laws? He spouts clichés about love for the next five minutes. He's going into this one hundred percent!

He arrives in LA and they have him riding around on a motorcycle. I learned from Chris Harrison's blog that Jake doesn't actually ride a motorcycle; they just had him do it because it looks cool. Well it might have if they hadn't given him the world's largest helmet. He pulls up on the beach at sunset to park on his motorcycle and keep on looking cool. A CGI plane flies by overhead. Oh brother! They may as well have done this:

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The Bachelor: Top Gun

He just KNOWS he's going to walk out of here with a fiancée. He can just feel it!

Chris Harrison walks out of the mansion to welcome us to this season. It seems that the women of America are to blame for what we're about to experience. They swarmed ABC with demands for Jake to be the next Bachelor. Before anything else, we're going to have some clips of the 25 bachelorettes. Sweet.

Ali is 25 and appears to live in San Francisco. In past relationships she has been dumped for video games and her own roommate. She thinks Jake is the cutest and that she won't be able to help falling in love with him.

Alexa is 25 and actually rides a motorcycle (not just for the camera). She talks about straddling her motorcycle and making orgasm sounds. Sounds like she doesn't need a man at all!

Tenley is also 25 and she's dancing around on the beach like Sarah Jessica Parker in LA Story.

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"Have you ever had a high colonic?"

She tells us she's in musical theatre (that explains it) and she played a bunch of Disney princesses in Tokyo. She's also been married and both she and her husband were virgins when they married, so when he cheated on her and ruined everything she was devastated. She's excited to meet Jake because he could be her knight in shining armor. Ugh. Ladies, you shouldn't need to be rescued.

Elizabeth is 29 and a captain in the Washington DC National Air Guard. Here's a woman who won't need to be rescued! She says that because she's worn a uniform for so long she has no fashion sense (we'll be the judges of that) and that all of her loves have been pilots.

Ew, Rozlyn is a model. She's 28. She says girls are catty and I guess I just proved her right. She's doing a photo shoot in a warehouse, so it's probably staged by our producers to demonstrate what "being a model" looks like. Great, thanks.

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And that's a camera. And those are boobs.

Christina is 25 and a guy's girl. She only has guy friends and says she's bitchy. I don't trust girls who can't be friends with other girls. I must be jealous.

Vienna is 23 and she's... named Vienna. I lived in Vienna so I adore that city, but it's a stupid name, sorry. Her parents should have named her the German word for "person from Vienna," which is Wiener. She's kinda cross-eyed and she tells us that she loves herself and is a daddy's girl. She and her poof dog wear matching dresses and have mommy-daughter dates. Okay, Wiener is a lunatic.

Ashley is 29, a teacher, and in constant receipt of packages from her mother containing outfits she needs to wear for Jake, including a string bikini. They're called boundaries, people.

Another Elizabeth, 29. This one is a nanny. She's familiar with the ups and downs of love, m'kay?

Ella is 29, cuts hair, and has a 7-year-old son. Apparently she boxes to work out.

Gia is 25 and she's another model. What, no demo? Oh wait she's a swimsuit model and lying there in a bikini - sufficiently demonstrated. Okay her body is so amazing I want to kick something. Poop. She talks about her bad luck with men as she looks at her butt from different angles in the mirror.

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"Firm from this angle. Pert from that. Delicious all around."

Kimberly is 24 and an NBA dancer. Yawn.

Caitlyn is 24 and she thinks that her pageant experience will help her tonight. Well I guess she will be strutting around answering generic questions.

Okay that's enough. The girls are all getting into their sparkly dresses and getting their lungs warmed up to scream.

We have to watch Jake take a shower and pontificate over how profound his journey is going to be. Let's get on with it already. He gets back on his motorcycle to ride out of the shot and then climb into a limo.

Seriously Jake. Get a bigger helmet.

When he arrives at the Mansion of Desperation Chris Harrison brings him inside for the expected grilling before meeting the gals.

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"Now remember. Your contract specifies at least TWO crying jags."

They go over what happened with Jillian... again. They talk about how Jake is just your everyday, sincere, all American guy... again. He gives the required ABC line about knowing this process works because he SAW it work last season. How many people are they going to instruct to say this before they think we're catching on? Chris asks if Jake would give up flying for love. Oh for pete's sake, why would he ever have to? Jake takes a deep breath then gazes into infinity, saying, "Love is more powerful than flying." Dry your eyes, Jake.

It's time for the Limo Emergence Highlights!

Ali has lost her voice and is holding a peacock feather, but more importantly, she's wearing the same dress Jillian wore last season and Shayne Lamas wore a few seasons ago. I guess ABC is recycling more than contestants.

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Okay Shayne's rhinestone band is a bit higher... so is her skirt.

Ella asks how Jake feels to be talking to his future wife. Desperate much?

Kathryn is a flight attendant and she's wearing a bright purple tutu.

Alexa comes out of the limo wearing Harley gloves.

Corrie asks "What do you think about kissing me?" But she actually says "Kissimmee" cause that's where she's from, get it?

Valishia has just visited Texas and she gives Jake some Texas dirt to represent their common ground.

Channy is our token Asian and she says something in Cambodian then tells Jake to come find her to discover what it means.

One of the Ashleys is holding a little wheel that she makes Jake spin to land on one of three pictures of her - it's something to do with him picking her, I don't know.

Tiana announces that the first time she saw Jake on The Bachelorette she announced to her friends that he was her future husband, he just didn't know it yet. Um, fatal attraction?

Christina is holding a basket of jelly beans that she's going to give out to all the girls as a goodbye gift - meaning everyone's leaving but her. She hands them out to the girls all smug and snotty. Ugh, she's the one who can't be friends with girls. I wonder why.

Ashleigh is wearing a dress with a slit up to her panties (if she's wearing any). She trips and falls onto Jake and after watching that twice I decided it was fake. Then I read on-line that it was.

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Jake: "Whoa! I can see your bajingo!"
Ashleigh: "Great, then it worked!"

Sheila emerges wearing aviator sunglasses because she's a commercial pilot too! She says she wants to give him this pair of aviators because the two of them are a pair of aviators. This goes right over Jake's head and he just wants to know how he looks in the sunglasses. I'm guessing Jake's going to excuse her pretty early on because he has to be the hero in the relationship.

Michelle comes out with her arms spread and buzzing while she tilts back and forth - she's an airplane!

So that's it for the intros. With how silly some of these girls were, I think this has turned into a gimmick contest to see who can do the quirkiest thing to catch Jake's attention. And it only continues as everyone goes inside to get drunk and vie for the First Impression Rose. Here are the highlights:

Jake takes Ali for alone time and she trips on her dress and rips it as she walks up some stairs.

Corrie asks Jake for his top three priorities and he says God, family, friends. Interesting. Sort of.

Channy sits Jake down and repeats her Cambodian line, then tells him what it means: you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime. Oh for crying out loud. No one was interested in her pubic grooming habits. This isn't Jesse Palmer's season.

Christina, the girl hater, complains that too many of the girls have their tatas out to play. She DOES admit that she might be jealous because she has small boobs.

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"I wish my tatas would come out to play."

Ella tells Jake about her 7-year-old son who wants to be a pilot and she presents him with a tiny model airplane that belongs to her son. She claims her son sent it for Jake but I doubt that very much.

Ashley changes into a stewardess costume (much like the ones in the earlier picture). It's a skin tight mini dress. The other girls are, of course, disgruntled. But the cameraman isn't!

Are we going for a Sharon Stone moment?

Nanny Elizabeth wants to toss a football around with Jake, but the other girls are instructed to join in, so it becomes a blondes vs. brunettes football game. On the concrete. In ball gowns.

"Catch me if you can!" Get it?

Michelle is having some kind of internal crisis. She tells us that with where she is in her life right now she DESERVES Jake. She very sincerely tells Rozlyn that she's here to get married and she knows it's with Jake. All righty then.

Kathryn has a fake engagement ring because as she can't get through her flight attendant duties without being bombarded with suitors. Jake notices, so she takes off the ring and gives it to him - how symbolic!

Michelle bursts into tears because she hasn't had alone time yet. She goes to Jake, tissue in hand, and sits him down to tell him that she is there to fall in love with him and be his co-pilot. She's ready to have a husband and she has so much emotion to give him. Jake totally buys it, saying he appreciates her honesty and he can tell this is hard for her. She's way too upset over a stranger.

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"I'm a copilot missing my pilot. Run! The chickens are coming!"

Chris Harrison brings in two of the people you'd least like to see - Jillian and Ed. Chris says they're the "successful couple" from last season. Oh please, they're still under contract. They are here to ask the girls stupid questions that don't shed any light on anything. They make Valishia dance and ask about the importance of premarital sex. Oh also, what kind of animal would you be in bed? Thank you for reminding us how annoying you are, you two.

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"If you had 10 million dollars, what color tie would you buy for Jake?"

Tenley sits Jake down and reads him the top ten things about herself - none of them revealing or enlightening (I know how to have an awesome time. I'm a cuddlebug.) The last thing is that she's a good kisser and she asks Jake to kiss her, which he does - just a peck - and she immediately regrets it. She bawls to the camera that she's only been with one man - her ex-husband - and she really wanted Jake to kiss her first and she can't believe she put herself out there and kissed him. Take some Prozac, Tenley.

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"I feel like a common street hussy! I'm ruined!"

It turned out to work in her favor because Jake gives Tenley the First Impression Rose! He thinks she was very honest and endearing. She thinks this means that Jake will be pursuing her now. Usually this means she'll be in this for a round or two and that's it. The winner is never the First Impression Rose girl.

At last here is Chris Harrison tapping his glass! It's time to see whose gimmicks worked! Chris sits Jake down and wants to know if there were any moments that stood out. Jake says when Ashley came out in her naughty stewardess outfit she just looked "dynamite" and that she is the most positive person he's ever met - and it's contagious.

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"Oh, you mean you're not REALLY a stewardess?"

Chris wants to know what Jake thought of Channy's Cambodian translation. Jake's like, "Uh, I tried to just laugh... that was pretty forward. What does 'landing strip' mean?" Chris then gives him a mini lesson on bikini waxes and the different results you can request. Jake mentions that he really likes Michelle because she's so sincere - almost over-sincere (much like himself). Yeah, see to me they both just seem crazy getting so riled up over people they just met.

Okay it's time to hand out the roses! Chris comes out and reminds the girls about how sincere Jake is in being here to find true love. Don't forget Chris, he's also a pilot! Jake comes out and talks about how very, very hard this is and that girls who don't receive a rose shouldn't take it personally. Uh, okay. You're being rejected as a possible love interest, but it has nothing to do with you personally. Sure Jake, it's just business. Remember, Tenley got the First Impression Rose, and here is how the rest come out:

Ella (has a son who likes airplanes), Nanny Elizabeth (played football), Ali (recycled yellow dress), Vienna (crazy girl who dates her dog), Christina (mean girl who doesn't like girls), Gia (swimsuit model who stares at her butt), Ashley (naughty stewardess), Rozlyn (model who did a demo), Jessie (who?), Corrie (from Kissimmee), Valishia (gave him Texas dirt), Ashleigh (fake fall), Kathryn (purple tutu, fake engagement ring)... ladies, Jake, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready. And the final rose goes to... Michelle (sincere nutcase). Michelle kisses her rose as she retreats back to the girls. Jake oughta love that.

Tiana just can't understand what went wrong. If Jake had just taken the time to get to know her he would have fallen in love with her! Emily feels incomplete after being excused. She cries a little. Kimberly thinks she and Jake could have gone far, then she starts talking about tingles. "You have tingles and you have to let tingles go. I was one of them." Oh ten girls! That's what she said. I watched the exit diaries on-line and my favorite was Sheila the pilot, who said that there's nothing she could have done differently, there was just nothing there between her and Jake. Some perspective! Also, it's light outside by the time these interviews are taking place. By then I would have been BEGGING for my ride of shame just so I could get to a bed.

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The Fortunate Fifteen

This season on The Bachelor: Things are totally different! Lots of bikinis, hot tubs, bath tubs, picnics, bungee jumping - oh wait, it's just like every other season. There is, however, some ginormous scandal brewing regarding Rozlyn the model. I've read on the interweb that it's mostly trumped up, but it looks like it makes Jake cry and kick something, so that'll be funny.

So what do you think? Are you on board for Season 14 of this craziness? What do you guys even think of this show anymore? I'm curious.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta


NoiXdeCoco said...

Hahaha, tingles! It took a while for me to get that too. OMG - your recap is so funny, a thousand times better than the stupid freaking show that I can barely stomach.

Kristine said...

I missed this opening episode but it sounds like a snoozer. I enjoyed your recap, however. I'm cracking up at the "tatas" coming out to play comment!

Diana said...

I can't tell you how excited I get when a new season of the bachelor/bachelorette comes. No, not because I like the show, but because I LOVE reading your recaps!

Jessica said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessica said...

Agreed! I love the show, in all honesty. But the recaps are something I look forward to just as much!