Sunday, January 10, 2010

Jersey Shore: GTL, WTF?

Fresh to death.

So where did we leave off last time on Jersey Shore? Oh yes, Vinny was rolling around on the hood of someone's car with this girl, Tonya, who had apparently been on a date with Boss Danny earlier in the evening. Vinny has taken this idea and run wild with it, talking about how he stole the boss's girl, he's getting evicted, and of course he's now a player on the level of Mike and Pauly D. The morning after Grand Theft Girlfriend, Vinny giggles about it with Ronnie, hinting that he may be evicted soon. I'm still guessing that this is blown way out of proportion, but we'll see.

Vinny watches Mike and Pauly D leave to go GTL, or gym, tanning, laundry. I got a facebook message that said GTL and I'm like, huh? Got to laugh? What? I've got to keep up with my guido lingo, because apparently GTL is now sweeping the social media. It seems that every single day Mike and Pauly D go through this very routine in order to keep their guido on.

"Hopefully this time the vomit smell came out."

I wonder which special days also include H for haircut, cause we've seen a few of those as well. Pauly D talks again about being fresh and I've got to say that "fresh" is the last word that comes to mind when thinking of these guys. I bet they are drowning in cologne and hair products - the image is so strong in my mind that the mental smell almost gives me a stomachache. All of this is, of course, in preparation to hit the clubs and round up skanks - what other purpose is there in life? Vinny isn't down. He doesn't think GTL is fun at all. He's sort of the anti-guido of the house, even though he seems the most Italian.

Vinny has a shift at the t-shirt store today and he is a little nervous about facing Danny after stealing his woman. A little nervous, but mostly smug and giddy. He says that everyone in the store is watching to see what Danny is going to do to him. All Danny does is tease him about moving out and then promising that next time he'll bring the girl with herpes. Ok, sooooo was she his girlfriend? That's all we get so evidently NOT. Nice cliffhanger for last week's episode, though.

Later though, Vinny answers the duck phone (Vinny must have complained that he wasn't getting any airtime), and it's Mike's sister, Melissa. They end up chatting for almost an hour while Vinny tries to convince her to come out with them tonight. When Mike surfaces, Vinny is all over him telling him to call Melissa back and see if she'll come out, please, please, please. Mike is rather amused by this, but says he doesn't mind because Vinny is harmless. Not like The Deadly Situation, of course. When Melissa arrives Vinny is all excited - until he gets a good look at her and realizes she looks just like her brother. Wah, wah.

"Mike, you said you'd help me wax my eyebrows."

Her amazing phone voice led Vinny to expect something totally different, and now the roomies are all saying she's Mike without a six-pack. Vinny stands there sipping his Ron-Ron juice and not looking at all amused.

Vinny disappointed.jpg
"Damn that duck phone!"

Despite the fact that Melissa has a man-face, everyone piles into a cab and ventures out for another night of beating up the beat. Mike tells us that the group sends him out on reconnaissance missions to scope out girls and bring them back for the group. No wonder they call ugly girls grenades. These guys think they are soldiers doing something difficult and impressive, when really they are just man-whores looking for willing female participants.

We jump to another storyline, which is Ronnie and Sammi and the fact they are always the buzzkill of the group. They are like that stupid couple that every group had in high school. The ones who are always around, but always in the middle of some drama and unwilling to fully participate in the group's activities because they are too busy participating in their own soap opera. Snooki tells us it's getting really old having them come out with everyone, then spend the entire evening in the corner whispering to each other. It's true - they could stay home and do that. I'm actually surprised they come out at all. They probably don't want to miss any chances to stick it to each other by getting hit on by outsiders, proving to each other how attractive they are.

Meanwhile Vinny has gotten drunk enough to spend some time talking to Melissa and he decides that she's cool enough that he can overlook the fact that she is Mike in a wig. And look who else has found a friend for the evening. It's Snooki! She's run into her pal, Mike #2, who showed up a couple of episodes ago, then kind of faded out into oblivion.

Mike #2.jpg
"We have this awesome patio where you can throw up."

It seems that Mike #2 is a hook-up buddy from Snooki's pre Jersey Shore life, so she thinks of him as guaranteed fallback action. She immediately starts talking him into coming back to the house.

Ronnie and Sammi have gotten tired of whispering in public, so they are in a cab heading home and it looks like Sammi has had a few too many. She's feeling sick and riding backwards. I can't tell if that's because there's a seat that faces backward, or because she's sick and that's helping. Ronnie teases her, saying she looks like she's riding in a baby seat, to which Sammi responds: "You stumpy bastard." Ha! That's funny. Ronnie, endlessly clever, says: "You're a stumpy bastard." (I know you are, but what am I?) And Sammi's all, "Did you really just call me a stumpy bastard?" And he says something about a doorstop big toe, then a Fred Flintstone big toe. And now Sammi is pissed. She tells him not to talk to her. When Ronnie keeps trying to joke around he realizes she's actually mad. Okay, why? SHE started the teasing, then when he teased back she took it all personally? Not really cool, but she's also drunk and sick, so whatever.

car fight.jpg
"You're back OUT of the equation, Samantha!"

Then Ronnie shifts into HIS fight mode, which is to tell her she's just like every other Jersey Shore girl and of course, this makes her even madder. These two are impossible. They can set each other off with the least little thing and then all either of them does is escalate. They suck. Who would ever want to hang out with them and listen to this crap all the time?

The rest of the gang eventually gets in another cab to head over to their old standby, Karma. Snooki realizes that clubbing isn't over yet, but she's anxious to get Mike #2 home for some lovin', so she starts saying she doesn't want to go to Karma; she'd rather go home, hint, hint Mike #2. Then she decides to give him a little test, saying that if he wants to go to Karma and meet other girls, then he should go. And as Snooki herself explains, "He jumped out of the car like it was on f-ing fire." HA! Ha ha ha ha ha! Mike #2 is on the lookout for a better offer! Here is Snooki, offering herself up on a silver platter and Mike #2 decides to take his chances at Karma. Denied! Snooki is all rejected and sad, wondering what's wrong with her. She swears she's turning lesbian - ha, that probably wouldn't work either, don't bother.

At the house both Ronnie and Sammi are busy sulking. Ronnie tells us he has a really short fuse and he angrily storms out to the patio to put some meat on the barbecue. And there is Sammi on the picnic table with her face in her hands. Have I mentioned that these two suck balls?

"When I'm this mad I have no choice... but to grill!"

The other roomies get home and notice that Ronnie is pissed and Sammi has gone to bed. Snooki decides to intervene and tries to get Sammi to tell her what's wrong. Sammi whines that she hates it when people make personal remarks about her looks because she can't help the way she looks (even though she tries with tanning, makeup and extensions). She says it's the worst possible thing anyone can do. Seriously? The worst possible thing your boyfriend can do is say you have a Fred Flintstone toe? You're going to have a rough life, Sammi. Ronnie comes in to tell Snooki to just leave it alone, and Sammi jumps up and puts her hand in Ronnie's face and tells him, "I would never make fun of you, Ronnie!" Oh yeah? What was that stumpy bastard comment you little hypocrite? Sounded to me like a remark about his looks (which he can't do anything about).

Elsewhere on the shore, Mike is hanging out at Karma and he's bumped into Alex, the girl he brought home a couple of episodes ago who had a "grenade" for a friend and stopped Alex from having sex with Mike. Mike talks Alex into coming home with him again, but first she has to get some stuff out of her friend's car... uh oh.

Oh for pete's sake, Ronnie has Sammi pinned in a hug on the balcony and he's trying to explain to her that she also said mean things to him tonight, but that he really cares about her.

balcony hug.jpg
Ronnie: "You know you're my only stumpy bastard."
Sammi: "How could you call me that? I would never call you stumpy!"

She keeps trying to wiggle free and telling him to leave her alone - she's so manipulative. You know she's just trying to make him suffer until she's ready to say it's okay. She finally pushes free and stomps back to her bed. This time Ronnie's had it and he tells the guy roomies that "he's back," meaning he's single again and ready to go creepin with them. Pauly D and Vinny rejoice and the three of them head off to Karma. Just then, Sammi has decided to bestow the divine gift of her forgiveness and she comes down the stairs just in time to discover that Ronnie has gone off creepin. She freaks out... again, while Snooki tries to calm her down... again. This is so stupid. Of course over at Karma Ronnie's heart isn't in it and he runs back home to kiss Sammi's butt some more. She finally relents and they're back on. Snore.

Mike #2 returns to the house with the roomies and he's empty handed, so he starts trying to flirt with Snooki, but she's not having it. He says he wants to marry her and Snooki's still really pissed off that he jumped out of the car. Mike #2 is like, "You told me to!" and Snooki goes, "That was a test, you jerk off!" He keeps trying to sweet talk her and to her credit she doesn't back down. But I'm sure the next time she bumps into him it will be game on again.

And downstairs, Alex has arrived - this time with TWO friends. One is the same grenade from before, and the other one Mike calls a "grenade launcher" because she is a rather hefty young lady. Pauly D is like "oh hell no." He tells us that he learned a while back that it's no fun being a wing man for The Situation. LOL. Snooki walks by and Mike asks for her help. She immediately volunteers to get rid of the two extra girls. Okay, why? Why would she want to get involved in this? I'd be like, "sounds like a personal problem, loser," and I'd go to bed. Not Snooki. As soon as Mike starts talking to Alex, Snooki goes up to her friends and tells them they have to go. So weird.

"I'll catch up with you guys right after I contract hepatitis."

I don't even know what I would do in this situation. If someone told me my friend could stay but I had to leave, I have the type of friends who would be like "forget it" and leave with me. Oh! That's just what Alex does, good for her. On their way out, the grenade calls Snooki a nasty ass bitch and Snooki starts yelling that if she has something to say... and here we go. Mike tries to get in between Snooki and the visitors - this time actually being helpful to his roommate, even at the expense of his libido - and the girls from both sides are screaming and flailing their arms around, trying to get a whack at each other.

Mike holds girls.jpg
Mike is great in a girl fight!

The larger young lady comes at Snooki, or as Snooki says, "starts charging me like a f-ing hippo," and she actually manages to smack Snooki in the face in exactly the same place she was hit before. This time I don't feel sorry for her at all. They are all acting like a bunch of animals. It's like they are looking for these opportunities and then are delighted when they happen. What's with all the pent up aggression? It turns into one moving mass of people going slowly back and forth across the porch with the guys all trying to keep the girls from killing each other. Pretty soon there is a police siren and Sammi and J-Skunk pop out of the house to see if they can get a punch in. Here is my favorite picture from the fight:

chubby girl.jpg

My favorite outcome of the fight is that while the police are talking to the valiant friends who were trying to defend themselves, Alex decides to sit down on the stairs and have a petite nappy-poo. The police handcuff her and put her in a squad car - presumably for public intoxication.

Alex passed out.jpg
"I just need to rest for a sec. I'm not drunk, I promise."

So the one who did the least amount of swinging was the one who got arrested. Ah, life at the shore.

Pauly D calls them all white trash. LOL. That's the pot calling the kettle white trash. Then he mentions Snooki getting hit again and says that somebody needs to teach her how to fight... or duck. Ha! She shouldn't even have to duck - she's 4'9"! (She said so on the after show.) Now Snooki turns on Mike, yelling at him to quit bringing home trashy girls so she won't be in this situation anymore. Hmm, or you could have just stayed out of it, Snooki, but that wouldn't have made any sense, would it? Mike tries to defend himself, saying they were trying to get the girls out, and Snooki comes at him with some huge inflatable thing - I thought it was a phallus, but it looks like some kind of prize from the boardwalk carnival games. She beats on him with it until he throws her over his shoulder, then she grabs his privates and I guess they're even.

privates grab.jpg
Mike and Melissa are about to become identical twins.

She tells him not to bring home any more elephants. Mike tells us that the girls probably only came over because they smelled the food at the house. Get it? Cause they're fat.

The next morning Vinny's family is coming for a visit so Vinny turns into a one man cleaning show. And this house is a DUMP. Vinny tells the roomies there might be some little rug rats here, so they better "keep it G." Meaning "guido" of course. :-) And here comes the woman who cuts Vinny's meat! Along with an entire slew of sisters, cousins, aunts, more cousins, and so on. Godfather-type music plays as they all file into the tiny little shore house. And each one of them is carrying food. Yes please. Then Vinny's mom says she needs help bringing up four more trays from the car! She spreads out an entire Italian FEAST and everyone gets to partake.

"Vinny, do you need help getting that fork to your mouth?"

Now see, this is the part I really like. What a great tradition. If only Vinny could feed himself. Snooki tells us that Vinny's mom reminds her of her grandmother - a true Italian woman who serves everyone else, then eats alone later after the clean-up is done. Now see, that's where I draw the line. Especially with full grown adults. Feed yourselves and let mom eat, good grief. I wonder if Snooki plans on emulating this type of behavior when she finds herself a nice orange guido to marry. Somehow, I highly doubt it. Vinny's mom has also brought him fresh underwear, so there's another reason he doesn't feel the need to do GTL. Vinny says he's a mama's boy, but he doesn't take advantage of his mom - she just lives to take care of him. Okay, but you're 21 now. It might not hurt to learn how to cut steak. Or wash your underwear.

Vinny's mom.jpg
"Vinny, next time TELL mommy that you need to go potty."

Vinny's mom - you are welcome at my apartment ANYTIME! I'll even let you eat at the same time I do and help clean up! Wouldn't you like a little blonde Nordic girl for an honorary daughter?

Our next adventure takes us back to the bar where Snooki got punched. And there is another belligerent fellow there tonight who keeps trying to verbally provoke the roomies, taunting them about coming from Staten Island. Pauly D shuts him down.

bar fighter.jpg
"Not now, bro. I fought a grenade launcher last night and I'm drained."

Pretty soon J-Skunk and Snooki are shaking their money makers on the dance floor and Ronnie and Sammi are whispering to each other in a corner, probably gearing up for their next ridiculous argument.

corner whispering.jpg
"Ronnie you're an Oompa Loompa and I'll never forgive you for making fun of my appearance."

Snooki starts telling Sammi that all the roommates think that they are lame and they only have two weeks left, so they need to live it up. Sammi's like, "I AM living it up." Sure you are, drama queen... in your head. Snooki says that they should have a family meeting so that all of the roomies can take turns telling Sammi and Ronnie how lame they are and that they should party more. Ha ha ha.

Mike and Pauly D decide that this bar is dead so they go home to break out the rolodex and see if they can convince any girls to come over and liven things up. Mike does the honors on the duck phone and right off he gets hung up on. Need I say more?

Sammi and Ronnie decide it's been much too long since they've had a good argument so they decide to walk home and figure out something to fight about. On the way, the belligerent fellow keeps trying to get Ronnie's attention, wanting to know where he's from, telling him to go home, basically trying to start something. Ronnie does his best to ignore him, but Sammi starts engaging, telling him to knock it off and leave them alone. So he yells at her. Then Ronnie jumps in, telling him not to yell at a female. Then when Sammi starts making fun of the wardrobe of the belligerent fellow's girlfriend, Ronnie flings her arm away from him, telling her to stop antagonizing them, then reaches out with one hand and pushes her - just barely. I watched this several times, and it's totally innocuous. Especially considering that Sammi is making the whole situation worse. Well! This is the argument Sammi has been looking for! How dare he shove her! That is it!

Sammi pissed.jpg
"STOP Ronnie! Don't touch my fake Chanel!"

She storms ahead, waiting for Ronnie to come groveling, but instead he turns his attention back to the belligerent fellow and before you know it, they are each begging the other to "come at me" so they can beat the crap out of each other. The fellow's girlfriend gets between them to try to break it up, but then she ends up slapping Ronnie and then the guys fly at each other, rolling to the ground and pounding on each other. It's pretty bad. I guess this means we'll get another anti-violence PSA at the end of the episode.

Ronnie fight.jpg
This, boys and girls, is violence. And it's wrong. But fun to watch! Love, MTV

At home Mike is on the phone still striking out when the other line beeps and it's Pauly D's friend Kaylee (who?). Mike is all, "Yeah, I'm on the other line right now..." But Kaylee breathlessly tells him that Ronnie is in a fight down on the boardwalk RIGHT NOW! Mike repeats that out loud and before he's even half done Pauly D is shoving his feet into his shoes to run out the door. By now down on the boardwalk both of the girlfriends are kind of helplessly pulling on their boyfriends' belts while one of them is yelling, "Get the cops!" Finally some huge black guy manages to pull them apart and Ronnie walks away, saying he's not going to get arrested for that douchebag (but he did anyway). Mike and Pauly D are still running around like headless chickens trying to locate the fight so that they can get in on it too.

There are sirens now and Sammi is trying to walk with Ronnie, but he's telling her to leave him alone because the whole thing was her fault.

Ronnie pissed.jpg
"Ronnie, you stumpy bastard! Never talk to me again!"

Once again, Sammi goes into "Stop, Ronnie STOP!" mode and goes into her baby whiney cry voice. They separate. The guys finally catch up to Ronnie and want to know what happened, but he's so riled up now that he can only spit out something about the guy with the bald head. Now Sammi has another thing to be mad about, which is having to walk home alone... all the way from the t-shirt store! Ronnie gets some ice for his face and knocks over one of the picnic tables. Take that! Sammi storms back to her bedroom where she does her best pouting. Snooki butts in YET AGAIN and starts getting her back up about Ronnie "pushing" Sammi. Then Ronnie comes to apologize and it's "Stop, Ronnie STOP," and I'M ready to knock Sammi's lights out for annoying me to death! Sammi's bawling that Ronnie TRAUMATIZED her, does he understand? He TRAUMATIZED her. (Never mind his trauma.) He's standing there with ice on his face apologizing and she's TRAUMATIZED. When she has sufficiently punished him they both apologize and that ends another fascinating episode of Jersey Shore!

Next week the roomies head for Atlantic City where Mike tells Snooki she's fat in front of everyone. More hitting. And what's this? No public service announcement about the evils of violence? This episode was pretty chock full of violence, including violence against women, so I really don't appreciate MTV's schizophrenia on this matter.

What do you think? What's with all the fighting? Speaking of which, the WTF in the title of this recap doesn't stand for what you think. It means Why the Fighting? ;-)

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

1 comment:

Boots said...

Hahaha, I absolutely hate this show, but this was hilarious. If someone with a sense of humor like this was narrating Jersey Shore, it would actually be funny.