Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Bachelor: Notes on a Scandal

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The Decieved

Welcome back to The Bachelor, Season 1,400 "It's Got To Work Sometime!" Or as ABC would rather call it, "On the Wings of Love." I assumed that was a song, but wasn't familiar with it, so tonight's episode presented me with an exciting treat, how about you? Of course, the only thing worth mentioning about this episode is the scandal that broke during the last half hour, but we're going to have to sift through the first three dates before we get to that - and they're all been-there, done-that dates as far as this show goes, but I'll discuss them succinctly anyway. Would you guys even notice if I just pulled up one of the recaps from Mayo, Brad or Jason's season and changed the names? I bet Chris Harrison wouldn't even know the difference.

Bright and early at about 4PM on the day after the first Rose Ceremony, Chris shows up in jaunty purple to tell the girls what's about to happen. Even his clothes never change.

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"And finally... only one of you will be left. That person wins!"

As always, there will be one rose up for grabs on each group date, and on individual dates you either get a rose or get the heck out. Also, not everyone gets to go on a date each week. Some will have to suffer.

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"Suffering for Jake is fun!"

He drops a date card on the table (I DO so miss the date boxes of yore). Ella jumps up to read the card. "Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashleigh H. A picture is worth a thousand words. -Jake." That is a very insightful thing to say, Jake! Did you come up with that all on your own? Nice! Christina says she has no idea what that means, but this will be the best first date with her future husband. Brush up on your proverbs, Christina. It means that you can sometimes get more information from looking at a picture than you can from listening to a lengthy explanation. Hmm, what does that say about my multi-thousand word recaps?

Jake tells us that last night was the best night of his life because up to now he's just been living proof that nice guys finish last. Ugh, another proverb we're going to have to hear a million times. Anyway, he picks the girls up for the first date and piles them into some SUV limo. They go to a hotel next to the beach in Santa Monica, where a guy named Hal is waiting to tell them they will be participating in a photo shoot. Jake refers to Hal as his friend, but I think that's just a ploy to make us believe Jake isn't homophobic. And as fate would have it, Hal is the Fashion Director for In Style Magazine. Okay now we're getting somewhere. No WONDER so many of these girls are spokes models and fit models and fitness models and swimsuit models. In Style wanted a good layout. Jake, would you mind dating a model? See? They try hard to choose girls he will like. Corrie tells us In Style is her required monthly reading and her fashion bible. I have to say I'm not too familiar with the contents of this particular magazine. Most fashion magazines just make me angry because they show me "insider deals" where the $800 purse is marked all the way down to $550. I've never spent more than $60 on a purse and I'm certainly not going to blow my rent money on one now just because In Style shows a Jake ho sporting some overpriced accessory. Christina is the only one NOT excited about this and no wonder - she's a restaurant manager. Aka, a real person. How is she supposed to compete with Rozlyn and Gia in an In Style photo shoot?

Jake says he's watching to see which girls just let themselves go, have fun with this, and are playful. Okay, sure, but this IS going to be appearing on public newsstands eventually, so it's understandable if the non-models are a little nervous, right?

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"Hey Hal! I'm putting on that shirt you said you love!"

Rozlyn is usually in bridal magazines and Gia is usually in swimsuits so they are totally fish out of water on this, too. Or not at all. Wow, Christina is really getting worked up and nervous here. Also, I must say that I'm glad they chose this picturesque hotel at which to shoot the gals when all they are doing is standing in front of a white backdrop. They could have done it in my living room and gotten identical results. Rozlyn is first, naturally, and she's just WONDERFUL! All she has to do is stand there and the pictures practically take themselves. The camera loves her! She is a born model! She can make tin foil look like high fashion! Literally!

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Jake, on the other hand, looks awkward as ever.

It looks like each girl gets some alone shots, then some couple shots with Jake. Rozlyn puts one of her feet on Jake and flashes her chatch at us. Classy. Christina goes last due to her nerves, so Jake the Hero steps in to help her out and tell her how beautiful she looks.

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Why can't she just have fun?

She shouldn't be too worked up because she's got a Kim Cattrall thing going on. Because Jake rescued her from humiliation, Christina tells us that he is everything she dreamed he would be and she feels safe with him.

Lastly there is a group shot where the girls stick their butts out as far as humanly possible and do a tug-o-war with Jake. Probably Jake's idea.

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Still awkward, pal.

And later on is the "wrap party" where the picturesque hotel comes in. Everyone sits around by the pretty pool sipping cocktails and trying to get Jake's attention.

Gia gets alone time and sings the sob-song of the model: I was not the cool girl growing up. I was an awkward nerd, boo hoo hoo. Luckily this pity party is interrupted by Ashleigh in a bikini inviting Jake to go for a swim. Gia the swimsuit model says she's going to put her swimsuit on too! So there! And guess who else puts on a swimsuit. That's right, Jake! He and Ashleigh begin their private dip, but are quickly interrupted by EVERYONE in their bikinis.

At the Mansion of Desperation a date card arrives. Kathryn reads it: "For the lucky girl who gets to take off on tomorrow's one-on-one date. -Chris Harrison." And that's it! Oh wait! There's a little box. And it's full of diamonds! That's right, this is the Borrowed Diamonds Date where the lucky lady gets to wear a bazillion dollars worth of diamonds for one evening then give them back, whether or not she gets a rose. Crazy Michelle, already miffed for being left out of the first group date, grabs the diamonds to try them on. Nanny Elizabeth stops her and threatens to send her to time out.

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"I'm going to count to three. One... two..."

Back on the group date Christina wants some alone time with Jake and she's had a few shots. She's slurring and telling him how much she admires him. She can barely stay focused and Jake tells us he wishes she hadn't had so much to drink. Rozlyn interrupts by shaking her boobs around and she whisks Jake off to the roof while Christina takes another shot. She's not a model, okay? Rozlyn and Jake cuddle in a blankie on the roof and Rozlyn fake-complains about having to go first at the photo shoot. Then she grabs Jake's face and sucks it off. Well, this is all the encouragement Jake needs to dash downstairs to grab the rose. He's never gotten this much attention from a model! A model! He tucks the rose into his butt crack to throw Rozlyn off, but doesn't take long to extract it and offer it to her.

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This rose has a very personal scent.

She squeals and grabs it, careful to keep it away from her face. The other girls are bummed.

And the next morning everyone is still mystified as to who will be going on the one-on-one when the doorbell rings and Crazy Michelle practically has an epileptic fit as she screams bloody murder and races to the door all alone. Well too bad for her that the card is for... Ali. "Come cry fly with me. -Jake." Another stunning verse, Jake. Well done. Ali bursts into tears as Tenley fastens the diamonds around her neck. She tells us that she is beyond touched to know that Jake CHOSE her for this date. Calm down Ali. He may be sending you home - there are probably some awesome video games in his Bachelor pad.

Jake gets out of the ABC car and rides the motorcycle up the driveway of the Mansion of Desperation. Ali comes out in another yellow dress - I guess yellow is her color. It's short this time, though, and Jake puts her directly onto the motorcycle. Nothing like traveling in comfort. He tells her he hopes she likes "daredevil stuff." Oh what will it be, Jake? Skydiving? Anaconda hunting? Nope, just a two-seater plane ride. Not even an aerobatic plane! Daredevil, pshh. If you'll remember from the premiere, Ali is terrified of flying. She hates it and she's never been in a small plane before. Jake makes a big show of doing a thorough pre-flight check to calm Ali down - and show us what a responsible pilot he is. Once they take off Ali does calm down and says she feels like she's floating. Soaring Over California, right Disney?

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"And would you laugh if I pushed this 'ejection' button?"

OOOOHHHH, here we go with "On the Wings of Love," puke. Just puke. It's a very dramatic song, I had no idea. Ali says that taking off in that airplane symbolizes their relationship taking off. On the wings of love! So precious.

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And that huge gully symbolizes where this show is going.

They land in Palm Springs and get to ride in an old-fashioned roadster instead of that blasted motorcycle. Jake takes credit for conquering Ali's fears. Don't forget, he's a hero. This would actually be a really cool date. But if it meant dating Jake... eh, forget it. He could make the most exciting things on earth seem staged and boring. They arrive at a field and stroll up to an elaborately set miniature dinner table - complete with a rose. Ali gets nervous and starts chattering about how NOT nervous she is around Jake. Also, all her boyfriends have been J names, so it must be a sign.

Time for another date card! Valishia reads it: "Nanny Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley E., and Wiener. Love has its ups and downs. -Jake." This means that Crazy Michelle, Tenley and Ella will NOT be having dates this week. Wah wah. Crazy Michelle is very offended. She says she's the nice girl that everybody hates and Jake has shown her that he doesn't want to be with her. She storms off.

Meanwhile Ali is still talking about how perfect this date has been and Jake decides to give her the rose. Jake moves in for a kiss. On the wings of love!

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"Love is more powerful than flying, Chris."

Just as Ali launches into another story, a Chicago song kicks in and Jake says to shut up for crying out loud, he still has one more surprise. Chicago is giving Ali and Jake a private concert! I love Chicago, especially their old stuff, especially with Peter Cetera who is, of course, nowhere to be seen. But the private concert is a Bachelor staple. Jake had one with Jillian last season, so here we are. The band seems kind of pissed that they had to set all up to play for only two people, but just when it's looking hopeless, Ali reads the cue card that says, "Jake has inspired me," and "You're the Inspiration" swells. Who saw that coming? Certainly none of you, right? Ali's ready to get married right this minute.

The second group date is at Magic Mountain, which is closed down for the day except for this production. You know part of the fun of things like concerts and amusement parks is the energy from the crowds. They take all of that away on this show. I guess they don't want to have to ask that many people to sign waivers. Or have too much fun. Today the girls have to jockey to sit next to Jake on the rides and get him to guess their weight at the carnival games (who would volunteer for that!?).

Crazy Michelle has a mission of her own today - packing her bags and going home. Hooray! She says that Jake obviously doesn't care enough to spend any time with her, so why should she stay? Exactly. See you at the reunion.

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"And he will regret it. He may not know it yet, but he WILL regret this."

But Disney Princess Tenley is trying to talk her into staying. So is Rozlyn. Ick, why?

And at Magic Mountain Nanny Elizabeth pulls Jake aside for alone time. She has written him a note that is the length of Anna Karenina and she reads it out loud. The portion of interest is that she tells him not to kiss her until he is prepared to kiss her and only her as long as they both shall live. Seriously. Jake thanks her and tells us he's an old-fashioned guy so he understands and will respect her wishes. Well then everyone's happy. Great.

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"Chapter Six: Why I Use Pantene Conditioner."

Later after the carnival games have worn off, the group sits around sipping cocktails and staring at the rose. Wiener takes some time with Jake because she has some Big News. It seems that in high school she was engaged to the pastor's son and she broke it off at the last minute. A month later he married someone else and to deal with her hurt about it, Wiener ran off and eloped with a guy she didn't know at all. Well done, Wiener! You showed him!

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"Turns out that was a dumb idea too."

But all of this really made her grow up, so she's a better person for it and - Ashley interrupts with more cocktails. What, no naughty stewardess outfit? Wiener dries her eyes and goes back to whine to the other girls that she was interrupted. Nanny Elizabeth says Wiener should utilize her time better because she had a lot of time. Wiener does not appreciate the attitude.

Ashley is over reminding Jake that she's finishing her PhD and needs someone to share life with. Jake kisses her on the cheek, which makes Ashley nervous. Now it's time to give out the rose! He gives it to someone who really opened up - Nanny Elizabeth. Because she intrigues him. And as the lucky recipient of the rose, Nanny Elizabeth gets to stay with Jake for one last surprise while everyone else goes home. Jake and Nanny sit on a bench while Nanny tells us how pleased with herself she is for making Jake accountable to NOT kiss her. She is playing so hard to get, you guys! She sticks her face right in Jake's and says, "You know I'm not holding back because I don't want this, right? You know my reasons." Jake's like, "yep." THEN she says, "I'm a really good kisser... do you want to kiss me?" Okay, so this is all a big tease wrapped up in an elevated tale of morality. "I REALLY want to kiss you..." Jake is all, "I'll respect your wishes." Nanny goes, "Good!" then hovers in front of Jake's lips some more before jerking away, saying, "No you can not!" Uh, Nanny? It looks like you're the only one trying to get a kiss here.

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"Stop Jake! Stop trying to kiss me!"

Fireworks go off in a triumph of irony. The girls going home in the limo are devastated to see the fireworks.

It's Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Time! We check in with Rozlyn, whose hair is tied into a bow, proving once again that models can NOT pull off any look. She tells us she's quite happy and relieved to know she's not going home tonight.

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Sorry, but "no" to the bow made out of your hair.

What's this? Crazy Michelle is still here. I hope you're happy, Rozlyn and Tenley for talking her into staying.

Here comes Jake and guess what. It was Ella's birthday yesterday, so Jake takes her aside and presents her with a birthday cupcake. He chuckles all pleased with himself and Ella totally melts. They talk about Ella's little boy Ethan and how he understands what Ella is doing here. Right. He's seven. Where's mommy? Tenley reminds us... again, that she hasn't dated anyone since her ex-husband. And it's time to tell Jake about this ex. Jake asks about her dating history and she totally chickens out and doesn't tell him anything. Crazy Michelle is determined to tell Jake about almost leaving because she doesn't want the other girls to tell him. Wiener is mad that Crazy is so two-faced, acting all depressed all the time until Jake appears, then acting like a person with a good nature. True to her word, Crazy tells Jake that she packed her bags since she didn't get a date, but reconsidered and wants to be honest. Jake says he doesn't want her to leave. Well he's the only one who doesn't want her to leave, and now she's bawling again. Kathryn pops in to grab Jake for alone time and Crazy almost doesn't let him go. Oh please, this is part of the deal. Every one of them has been interrupted in the middle of telling Jake something big. Or if not, they will be.

Uh oh, here comes Chris Harrison. But instead of tapping the champaign glass he just asks to see Rozlyn and her hair-bow outside. Here we go. The girls all look back and forth at each other. But Rozlyn has a rose! What is going on? Outside Chris tells Rozlyn that this has never happened before in the HISTORY of the show. He's terribly sorry to even have to have this conversation and it's very awkward. He thinks she has some idea of why she's been pulled aside. She just sits there blank.

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"Come on, Rozlyn. You KNOW what you did."

Chris says, "Rozlyn, you entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our..." he chokes up. "One of our staffers." THIS is what Chris is going to cry about after 14 seasons? I don't buy it. The staffer has been fired and Chris doesn't feel that there is any chance now for Rozlyn to form a meaningful relationship with Jake, so out of respect for everyone she's got to go. Now. Rozlyn finally speaks, "So you think that there are no other girls here who felt for other people before they came on the show?" What a weird question (given what ABC has shown us of this conversation). At first I thought she was going to say other girls who have made friends with crew members or something. She's asking about feeling for other people before the show. Does that mean that this "inappropriate relationship" was formed during the lead up time before shooting started? Before anyone met Jake? And if so, they're trying to tell us that this has NEVER happened before? PUH-LEASE! Season after season we get lineups of gorgeous desperate women parading around in swimsuits and ball gowns. No staffer has ever taken notice before? Obviously this can't be true, so why this time? Why Rozlyn? The next thing she says doesn't make sense either: "I mean, I don't think that my personal life is really anybody's business." Okay, if she has just been accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a staffer on a dating show, do you think that would be her response? Her personal life is nobody's business? Either that was taken out of context, or we are to assume that everyone included in the production knows that this whole finding love thing is bogus and it's just a TV show. Meaning whatever goes on behind the scenes is irrelevant to the final product shown to the public. Chris goes on, saying they take these things very seriously and they feel that a line was crossed (on his blog Chris says they are certain there was a physical relationship - not sexual, physical - and give me a break, that could mean a handshake or a hug). Rozlyn says she's not going to say anything because this puts her in a bad position.

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And Scarlett Johansson lookalikes don't put themselves in bad positions.

Chris is like, "No one's passing judgment or anything, but go pack your crap and get out now." The last thing we see Rozlyn saying is that there was nothing deceitful, it just... and Chris goes, "happened." And she goes, "I guess so." Okay, whatever. This is so freaking shady I don't even know where to start! Obviously they want Rozlyn to leave, but I have no idea what the real reason is because this little convo we just saw does not add up. Of course I've waded through Reality Steve's long winded spoilers to finally dig up tiny morsels of information amid the blather, and it seems like he has some pretty good sources, so he might be right, I have no idea, and don't care that much. The biggest thing I take away from this is how convoluted this show has become. Obviously ABC wants us to think that Rozlyn slept with a producer and was kicked off because of it. But the powers of the internet have caught up with them and called them out for spinning and exaggerating too many times. No one trusts them anymore, so no one knows what to think about Rozlyn, who I'm sure has been gagged from saying anything. It's interesting even scrolling through the comments on Chris Harrison's blog and seeing how many people don't believe anything he says. I'm not sure what Rozlyn really did to make ABC mad - if anything - or if they just needed to drum up some drama. Who knows? But don't you think if there were footage of anything inappropriate they would have shown us - even snippets? - I do. That would make for better ratings than anything.

And now for the fallout.

Rozlyn passes the girls and says, "I'm leaving," then she continues upstairs to pack her stuff. Some huge teamster is hovering over her to make sure she doesn't try anything funny - like staying.

Chris heads into the backyard and pulls Jake away from Christina to have a private talk with him in front of the cameras. You can totally tell that Chris is relishing his role as the bearer of evil news - despite his choking up at opportune moments. He tells Jake that something has happened of the gravest magnitude... having to do with Rozlyn. She entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of the staffers. Jake goes, "You're kidding me!" No Jake. No he isn't.

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"No?" No Jake.

Rozlyn is gone for the health and safety of everyone involved. Jake shakes his head while Chris babbles to fill the silence and Jake finally goes, "Can I get my rose back?" Oh you mean the butt crack rose? That was incinerated, but yes, you'll get another rose to hand out at the ceremony, tough guy. Chris says he's going to tell the rest of the girls and Jake says he wants to stand next to Chris while he does it so that the girls will know he is here for the right reasons - to find a wife. Yes, standing next to Chris will prove that if nothing else has, Jake.

Jake paces around complaining that he's been taken for a fool. He thought Rozlyn could have been the one! He never saw this coming! She's a model, how could she do this to him? He sits down, he stands up. He gazes at the sky, he gazes into the camera.

Meanwhile the teamster is escorting Rozlyn outside and into a van. No limo for this Ride of Shame! No interview, either, as no one needs to hear Rozlyn's poisonous take on any of this. Inside the girls gather to cluck about how crazy this is and wonder what on earth went wrong. Ashley goes, "No one expected this beautiful cocktail party to turn out to be such a bumpy ride!" Oh my gosh, Ashley. Please put your stewardess outfit back on - you are just way too into this.

Oh, here come Chris and Jake. Chris tells the girls that tonight they've been dealing with something that they've never had to deal with on this show before... EVER. Rozlyn entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. Geez, did they prep him on this statement enough, you think? How can we make it sound totally incriminating... without really saying anything? Ah ha! Rozlyn entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers! Perfect! Some of the girls look shocked, some look bored, and some cry. Cry? Is it because they can sense how sincere Jake it in his quest for a wife? Jake stands up there next to Chris with one eyebrow raised to show how serious he is.

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"See girls? See how this has upset Jake?"

He tells the girls that he feels deceived because Rozlyn looked in his eyes and said she was here for him. Jake. Does anyone else feel like they aren't sure about this? Anyone? Think I'm not the one for you? Tell me!

Crazy Michelle pipes up and says how sorry she is that this happened because she is here to meet Jake. Chris and Jake leave the girls to marvel over this development and complain about how horrible Rozlyn must be to perpetrate this monstrosity. So dishonest. So deceitful. Poor, poor Jake. Princess Tenley bawls because she too has been deceived. Yes we know - her ex cheated on her. The bright side of all of this is that tonight there will be a lucky girl who WOULD be going home, but now gets to stay because Rozlyn left. Yes. Lucky, lucky.

It's time to move on from the tragedy and hand out the roses. Remember Nanny Elizabeth and Ali already have roses. Jake comes out, apologizes for the short cocktail party, and gives out the roses: Wiener, Gia (I always want to sing the Chia Pet jingle - G-G-G- Gia!), Princess Tenley, Ella, Valishia, Corrie, Jessie, Ashleigh H., Crazy Michelle. Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready... Kathryn. Buh-bye Christina and Ashley! I wonder which girl was just saved by Rozlyn.

Ashley doesn't know what went wrong. She wonders if everything with Rozlyn just really scared Jake off and made him question even Ashley's sincerity. It sucks that she's leaving, but she really just doesn't want to see Jake hurt again. Oh brother, Jake is fine.

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"He can hurt me, that's fine. But please no one else hurt Jake. Okay?"

Christina is of course, very disappointed and she makes the saddest little reject face I've ever seen on this show. She knows for a fact some of the girls who are left are not here for the right reasons.

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"It's because I'm not a model, isn't it?"

Jake tells the remainders he feels very blessed and lucky to be here. Next week! Fighting amongst the girls. It looks like Wiener and Crazy are front and center. They're also making it look like someone goes home early - like before the Rose Ceremony. Hmm... see you then!

So what do you think of the Big Scandal? Even without knowing every detail of what went on, it seems like a pretty obvious ploy for ratings - they've got to keep things interesting, and that won't be coming from Jake. And what about Nanny Elizabeth and her no-kissing tease-a-thon? Or Crazy Michelle packing her bags?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta


Megan said...

I think the Scandal is totally real. I mean she looks like a whore and acts like whore so I can totally see that it would be real. Although, ABC does love scandals so I can't wait to see what is next!!! I love this show!!

Laura said...

Michelle needs to GO!! I'm embarrassed that our home towns are only 10 miles apart. What a nut job!!

Paul said...

I think female vieweres of this show are underestimating the staying power of "Crazy Michelle." Granted, she is 100% batshit insane, but Jake is absolutely right to keep her around.

Allow me to explain.

I think this show is an elaborate ruse to give the Bachelor an opportunity to bang 3 chicks out of a selection of 25 randoms. Even if the guy is there for the "right reasons," namely to get married, the goal of the first 80% of the season is to whittle the crowd down to 3 chicks for a real-life game of F*&k, Chuck, and Marry, except replace the "Chuck" with a second F*&k.

So, once you accept this truth, is it really that curious that Jake keeps Michelle around? Hell no. All he has to do is keep giving her a rose week after week, and he eventually gets to collect on crazy-chick sex at the end. He doesn't even have to take her on a date for the first few rounds.

If it were me, I would definitely be using this line of logic. I'd mix in a normal, pretty blonde like Ali just to secure a solid 7.5 on the boner-meter, but for SURE Michelle would be a shoe-in. After all, who would be better to smash, going all-out Tiger-in-a-Perkins-bathroom-style, than some crazy brunette chick hellbent on proving herself. Talk about a well-planned last conjugal visit before the solitary confinement of marriage...

Kristine said...

Seriously, at this point the season is incredibly boring. The "scandal" was made up of so much editing and voice over work, it was laughable. I'd be surprised if there was really much to it. And btw, if Reality Steve is in fact correct with his final prediction, I say the 2 deserve each other. YAWN.

Diana said...

I don't know if anybody else noticed the subtle Disney "Cars" cameo appearance--but didn't the vintage car that Jake and Ali drove on their date look like the "vintage" Lightning McQueen after his Radiator Springs makeover?