Jersey Shore: Double the Guido

"Are you calling me fat, you hippos?"

Greetings, beloved readers of the Jersey Shore recaps! This week we've been presented with an extra-special gift: two back-to-back episodes! Now I adore this trash fest as much as y'all, but two hour episodes are the bane of my existence... and apparently my lot in life. You may have noticed that I'm also recapping The Bachelor, which is two hours EVERY week, so it's a miracle my television and my laptop have survived. My brain, on the other hand, is mush. As such, the following recap may not be chock full with as much detail as usual, so please feel free to discuss any brushed-over golden moments in the comments. Now join me, won't you?

Ronnie and Sammi have finally made up after their latest tiff over Ronnie's fight on the boardwalk and Sammi has moved on now to asking Mike and Pauly D if they are bothered by her and Ronnie. If you'll remember, Snooki told Sammi and Ronnie that a house meeting was in order so that everyone could say how lame they are. Of course Mike and Pauly D could care less about exactly when Ronnie and Sammi leave the clubs, so they decide to call this "house meeting" right now and get this crap straightened out. Snooki back pedals, pleading that with only two weeks left she just wants everyone to be friends and hang out. The lame couple is like, fine, just don't say that everyone is talking about us. Snooki is near tears and storms away.

Sammi Sweetheart is compassionate, as usual.

The next morning Ronnie wants to talk to J-Skunk about it and J-Skunk tells US that Ronnie used to be her friend, but now it's all about Sammi so she's glad Snooki said what she said. But to Ronnie she just says that everyone should do their own thing. Well this whole thing was stupid. But Snooki comes to Sammi to apologize. Sammi says it's fine, but she doesn't trust anyone. Snooki keeps saying that they need to just "blow it out of the water," meaning I guess party-hardy till it's time to go home.

Later Pauly D is doing another "celebrity" appearance at Karma and it looks like all the single roomies have found a victim for the evening. Mike is with some as-yet-unnamed skank, Vinny is with Tonya - the girl Danny didn't care that he "stole" from him, and Snooki is expanding her horizons by talking to an Irish guy who works on a farm.

"And if so, how do you go tanning?"

Hardly the guido of her dreams, but he has muscles and is giving her attention, so it's on. All three of them convince their victims to come back to the house and immediately Mike is trying to talk his skank - named Paula - into the hot tub.

"Is there more alcohol in the hot tub?"

Here we go again with the freaking hot tub.

Meanwhile Snooki is telling her Irish farmer all about the heroic work she does saving animals. Remember, she's a vet tech. That's why she doesn't eat animals that are alive when you kill them.

Moonlight Serenade

The farmer responds to her ramblings by saying, "The biggest risk in life is not taking a risk." Uh, sure. Then Snooki says, "I've been with goats, sheep, cows, horses... that's all." That's all, Snooki? Never gotten crazy with a lion? Seriously. She needs to carry around a tape recorder and listen to herself from time to time - if she could pay attention long enough she might be shocked at some of the things that come out of her mouth.

Back at the hot tub things are getting pretty revolting.

And unsanitary.

Vinny and Tonya are chatting in a nearby hammock when they suddenly notice that Mike and Paula are having sex... in the hot tub. Hooray for communicable diseases! And just as the exchange of fluids gets going, Snooki bursts onto the rooftop with her farmer screaming, "Heeeeey!" And just like that, Mike's moment of triumph is over. He just can't catch a break, can he? He pulls Paula out of the hot tub to take her into his room (where he should have gone in the first place) and as they exit the rooftop, Paula wipes out on the staircase. It's really freaking hilarious. I mean she goes right down like there's nothing under her feet. I guess that's how wasted a girl has to be to agree to have sex with Mike. Vinny is ROLLING on the ground laughing.

"I love the feel of astroturf on my bare skin!"

Snooki and the farmer go to her room and she starts telling us how wonderful he is. He would do anything for a girl. Yeah, I suppose that is something you can assume after knowing someone for two hours. She says that they don't have sex and she's not sure why because if she were to have sex with anyone it would be this guy because he's so nice and "he's gotta be clean." OMG. Is that what she'll tell her doctor while he's writing her prescriptions for 500 different antibiotics? Excellent judgment, Snooks. Carry on.

The next morning an angry looking girl in a tie-dyed shirt comes banging on the house door looking for Paula.

Luckily there was a camera man stationed outside.

It turns out that Paula was supposed to be starting a new job this morning, but she blew it off to get contaminated in the hot tub with Mike. Paula's whole family is hysterical because when she left last night she said she'd be gone for an hour. Oops.

"What's one lousy job when The Situation loves me?"

Mike, ever the gentleman, senses trouble and runs to hide in the shower. Paula apparently hasn't recovered her wits yet because she is unable to locate any of her belongings - including her clothes - and decides to just leave in Mike's sweats.

Later on Mike wants to know why Vinny didn't leave while he and Paula were getting busy in the hot tub. He makes it sound like Vinny was jealous and had to watch since he isn't getting any action of his own. Oh brother. Vinny shoots back that he would NEVER want to be like Mike by the time he's 27 years old. Mike goes, "You have no game at all," and Vinny goes, "That's not what your sister thinks." HA! So true! And no game at all? This from Mike? That's rich. Mike does not appreciate the sister remark and now he and Vinny kind of have it out for each other.

That night Mike's sister Melissa shows up to hang out with Vinny, proving him right. They all decide to switch things up on the activity front so they... head out to a club. Sammi's saying hi to some guy then looking around for her security blanket, Ronnie, when Mike tells her to take note that Ronnie is off talking to some girl. Uh oh.

Clearly this is the end of Ronnie and Sammi.

Suffice it to say there is another ludicrous fight followed by an even more ludicrous reconciliation starring Sammi and Ronnie. It looks like the whole thing lasts about 10 minutes. NEXT!!!

"Stop, Ronnie! I'm traumatized!"

Elsewhere in the club, Pauly has found a "really hot" Israeli girl.

You sure about that, Pauly D?

During his flirt fest he tells her that her new last name will be Delvecchio - his last name - and she starts trying to talk him into coming with her to Israel. Oh my gosh, can you imagine? Pauly D in the holy land? THAT would be an amusing episode.

Vinny is relishing all the attention he's getting from Melissa because it's such a direct and effortless way to stick it to Mike. But his gloating is cut short when Tonya wanders into the club looking for him.

Busted!

Vinny decides to ditch Melissa and hang out with Tonya, so now Mike feels justified in having a disciplining word with Vinny. Melissa's just like, "Whatever." Vinny explains it to us by saying he knew that Melissa was a sure thing, so he knew he could ditch her for Tonya, then still get some action later on. Oh Melissa, walk away from this nonsense. Don't let Vinny get away with that philosophy. Nope. As soon as they get home she crawls into Vinny's lap and proves him right again. Mike's face when he sees this is awesome.

It's a mayday situation!

Pauly D has managed to herd the Israeli girl back to the house and she keeps wanting to talk about Israel and he keeps wanting to get down to business. She tells him they can't have sex until they're married, which he takes as a glorious dare. He WILL conquer the virtuous Jewish girl if this is a successful trip to the Jersey Shore.

"I'll accept your challenge, Mrs. Delvecchio!"

When it comes time for everyone to say goodnight the question comes up of where Melissa should sleep. Mike wants her to sleep in Sammi's bed, which is in his room, since Sammi's off smooshing Ronnie somewhere, but Melissa giddily offers to sleep downstairs. With Vinny. Mike isn't cool with that suggestion, but he doesn't have too much to say about it and off she goes. How is Vinny suddenly getting all the action?

Well, it IS Mike in a wig, so...

Guess what. The roomies are planning an overnighter to Atlantic City! I've never been there, but I'm guessing it's like Vegas on a smaller scale. The hotels are even the same - the roomies are staying at the Tropicana. As soon as they arrive everyone falls directly asleep except for Snooki, who gets in a bubble bath with some wine and entertains herself. She is absolutely ridiculous. When everyone wakes up they go to a nice dinner and they all start playing a super fun game of ripping on each other. Mike begins threatening that he has ammo on everyone, so they better take it easy on him. This all comes to a head when Snooki asks for a roll and Mike goes, "Don't worry, you got a couple." Ooohh, bad. Everyone knows that the meanest thing you can say to an American girl is that she's fat. The roomies all jump all over Mike (verbally) and Snooki storms away. After being chastised excessively Mike admits that he was wrong, but he still makes no move to go after Snooki.

"The kids used to call me Cheeto Puff."

Snooki is very busy telling J-Skunk and all of us that this comment was particularly painful because she had an eating disorder in high school. Oh for the love of Ray J. Why do you have to have an eating disorder to not want to be called fat? This SAME fight happened on the Real World this week and it's so stupid. I never had an eating disorder and I'd be pretty pissed if some guy told me I had a couple of rolls. So douchey. But now Snooki is telling us that this is pushing her back over her eating disorder edge and she might quit eating again. Unstable much? I will NOT have this show turning into an anorexia-awareness campaign. Besides, everyone knows that the answer to all feelings is to eat them. It's much more fun than starving yourself.

Mike makes a pretty sincere apology while Snooki solemnly whispers, "So low. So low."

"I'm sending you my therapist bill, you jerk off!"

Okay let's move on. To the club. J-Skunk has her falsies proudly on display and as she and Snooki start grooving to the beat Snooki topples off of the couch she's dancing on onto her face. Quick! Someone help her or she might stop eating again!

Careful, Cheeto Puff!

And back to our new Lothario, Vinny. Some loose-looking girl claiming, of course, to be a model has picked him out of the crowd to dance with. And suck face with.

"I couldn't resist the fedora/pit-stain combination."

After she gives him a lap dance he excuses himself to the bathroom and Mike decides to "pull a robbery." Gross. He's willing to stir Vinny's vanilla? I guess whatever he can get. Vinny is all put out because his saliva is still in that girl's mouth, but Mike tells us, "She dropped the zero and went with the hero." Thank you, Vanilla Ice. Ronnie tells us that he and Sammi leave at 4 AM because they've been there since 12 and five hours is quite enough, thank you very much. 12 to 4 is actually four hours, Ronnie, but don't strain yourself. It looks like J-Skunk has also had enough because she's in the bathroom puking. She comes out and asks Mike to help her back to the room, but he won't budge because the lap-dancing wonder is still paying him mind. J-Skunk gets really upset, so Mike tells the bouncers to throw her out, which they do. And now J-Skunk is PISSED. She gets back to the room and tells Ronnie and Sammi that she's waiting for Mike to get home so she can punch him in the face. HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sure enough J-Skunk, despite Vinny's admirable attempts to hold her back, pounds Mike in the face with her fist. And MTV shows it, of course because violence against men is fine.

Perfectly acceptable situation.

I actually find this particular punch to be the most hilarious and well-deserved that I've seen so far on the show. Is violence ever the answer? Probably not, but it sure was nice to see Mike getting socked in his big fat gob! All of a sudden this swarm of random people rushes into the room. Security?

Oh, it's Private Protective Services, who have probably been following our guidos around just off camera since minute one. All they do is stand in between J-Skunk and Mike. Vinny, like myself, is quite delighted that J-Skunk punched Mike. After the incident, of course, Mike is full of talk, saying he'd love for J-Skunk to come at him again because he'll toss her out like the trash. Oh Mike, you were just pounded by a girl - and not in a good way. J-Skunk tells Snooki she's going to go home. No! Not now that you've become America's Hero! And thus ends our guidos "taking Atlantic City by storm," as MTV promoted.

J-Skunk calls her boyfriend to tell him what happened with Mike. His response? Don't drink so much. What? Don't be crazy, boyfriend. This is the Jersey Shore - drinking and punching are mandatory. Mike vows to never talk to or look at J-Skunk ever again. If only.

Getting punched in the mouth certainly didn't shut it.

And she's not the only one he's mad at - he's still upset with Vinny for upstaging him and not wanting to be like him.

And it turns out Vinny has ANOTHER set of girls up his sleeve. He's really showing us another side of himself after being an extra for the first few episodes. He brings Pauly D with him to meet up with three girls who want to hang out at the boardwalk. Pauly D is happy to come along, but slightly torn because he has plans to hang out with the Israeli chick, who he has now decided is annoying. As the boys stroll along the boardwalk with this latest set of girls, who should pop out of nowhere but Danielle, the Israeli girl! She asks Pauly D if he'll hang out with her later then kisses him on the lips and scurries away with her friend. Vinny giggles, and the other girls don't seem to care too much.

Snooki, elsewhere on the boardwalk, runs into her Irish farmer and decides to take him dancing. They head over to Beachcomber, where she was assaulted, and proceed to grind on each other on the deserted dance floor.

What, no barnyard animals?

As Vinny and Pauly D escort their new friends over to a henna tattoo booth, who pops up - again? That's right, Danielle!

"Come on, Pauly. We have an appointment with the wedding coordinator."

She tosses Pauly D a t-shirt that says I heart Jewish Girls, and the heart is a cross between a heart and a Star of David, and colored like an Italian flag. Okay, she's nuts. Haven't they met like, once? She tells him he better call when he gets home because she's not calling him. Then she kisses him on the lips again and walks away. Pauly D tells us, "She's mad wee-ud, that chick." Ya think?

"And now I gotta get a passport ta go ta Israel."

Back to Snooki. She climbs onto the farmer's back while wearing a miniskirt. After proceeding down the crowded boardwalk for a few minutes she tells us that she had the farmer put her down because she's not trashy. Riiiiiiight.

And Pauly D goes on a carnival ride with one of the new girls, but who should be waiting for him as he steps off? Danielle! She wants to know when Pauly D will go home so he can call her. She's disturbed. Vinny calls her a Stage 5 Clinger. The new girls are kind of freaked out by all this, so they decide to do their own thing. Pauly D and Vinny head home and just as they walk in, the duck phone is quacking and it's... Danielle! She promised not to call! Vinny answers and pretends to be Mike, telling her that Pauly D isn't home yet. He actually does a decent impression of Mike, sounding like a completely annoying idiot.

Later Pauly D and Mike are up eating after everyone else has gone to bed and they get bored so they decide to put pickles under Snooki's bed and then some concoction of gross smelling stuff under Vinny's bed. Mike considers this a very clever act of revenge for Vinny hating on him - he even calls it hater-ade. What a card. When Snooki finds the pickles, she's just mad that two good pickles have been wasted. Word.

Because it is a new day (and the duck phone has been off the hook all night) Danielle decides it's time to launch her phone campaign anew. The roomies gather around to see what will happen. Pauly D finally gets on the phone and Danielle tells him she doesn't know what's wrong with him but she doesn't like to be played. Don't say you're going to call then not call, she thought he was different, etc.

"Ah you wearing unda-wears right now?"

Pauly D tells her she stalked his "whole life" on the boardwalk (he says this like six times), he would have called, but she called him 100 times and she's obviously crazy. He really wanted to hang out with her but she ruined it, so there. And he hangs up.

Mike and Sammi work a shift together at the t-shirt store and Mike takes this opportunity to tell us that Sammi has a crush on him, and to tell Sammi that he put crap under Vinny's bed. Does he ever stop talking? That night the roomies have a bowling outing and Sammi tells Vinny what's under his bed. J-Skunk wants to make sure that everything is cool between her and Mike (why? who cares?) so she takes him outside and they have a heart-to-heart. They end up hugging it out... gross. When they get home Vinny lets Mike know that he found the crap under his bed and blah, blah, blah. This leads to Vinny telling Mike that he's embarrassing and that's why there's some tension between them.

"And evah since I banged your twin sista I have this yucky feeling when I look at you."

Ronnie jumps in to back Vinny up and Mike finally gets defensive, saying they've only known him for 27 days so they don't know what they're talking about. Pretty soon Mike says he gets every girl first, to which Ronnie argues yes, but they're 3s, 4s and 5s, while he's sitting pretty over here with a 10 (Sammi). Sammi's under her covers, popping her head up once in a while to comment that Mike is still into her, of course. Mike obviously has to point out that he hooked up with Sammi first then GAVE her to Ronnie. What is this with granting permission and committing robberies with girls? Have the girls no say in it? I'd say these guys take what they can get and that is the end of the story.

Well what do you know? It's another trip to Karma!

She must be getting ready for a serious conversation.

Snooki gets dressed up in pure trash and tells us she's ready to blow it out of the water (again?). She wants everyone to have a good time without no drama. And who should appear at Karma? Yes, DANIELLE! She starts yelling at Pauly D that he's a jerk and he asks her to dance. He still thinks he's going to hit that.

Israel called. They've disowned both of yous.

And across the room, Snooki's privates are exposed as she gets it on with some guy on a couch.

"Is there a draft in here?"

It doesn't take long for a couple of girls to interrupt and tell the guy to knock it off since he's here with his girlfriend, after all. They point to her, she's right there in the room. Snooki yells, "Screw you!" and bounces away in her stripper outfit, complaining that she just wants to find a guy who wants a commitment. Well, I'd say that getup you're wearing and Karma are an excellent start down that road, Snooki. She continues her fit right into the arms of some dude named Dimitrios who is thrilled to be her shoulder to cry on.

Pauly D and Danielle are still going at each other in their nonsensical circle and they finally walk away holding hands to take in the Seaside scenery. The roomies all follow shortly behind, only to be heckled by a crowd of people yelling at them to take their trampy outfits back to New York or wherever they're from. This is aimed mainly at Snooki, who is, in fact, dressed like an insane crack whore.

"I'm really looking for someone to settle down with."

Eventually Ronnie and some guy are in each other's faces while the girls scream insults in the background. Some bouncers break it up and everyone goes their separate ways... until Ronnie turns on his heels and tears off into the darkness back toward the crowd. The next thing we see is this:

Forensic Files

And Ronnie skipping jubilantly away yelling, "That's one shot! One shot, kid!" Holy crap, he knocked that guy unconscious? This punch is not as funny as J-Skunk's. And here come the sirens. The police call to Ronnie to hear what happened, then inform him that he has committed aggravated assault since the guy is now asleep on the ground. They handcuff him and tell him he's going to jail. Sammi's pissed. Mainly because she has to walk home alone again.

Next week - it's the end of the road! Snooki's ex-boyfriend shows up and the roomies bid us farewell. What will become of them?

So whaddya think of tonight's events? I was really digging J-Skunk in hour one and the stalker storyline in hour two cracked me up! Pauly D with a stalker? I guess he IS a celebrity DJ. What must that girl be thinking now? Speaking of which, how hard must Angelina be kicking herself for walking out on this gold mine?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta