Bethenny Getting Married? I Laughed, I Cried

Hello Beloved Readers! I am so excited to be diving head first into a brand new show! And one that is a spin-off of one of my very favorites - The Real Housewives of NYC. After the pettiest, most drama-filled, nitpicking season yet, our spunky Bethenny is taking on an entire hour all on her own. This is: Bethenny Getting Married?

Bethenny Wearing Purple?

I'll admit, the title threw me a little. I mean, what's with the question mark? Do we read: Bethenny Getting Married... seriously? Or Bethenny Getting Married... maybe possibly? Or Can You Believe That Bethenny is Getting Married? Or Even, Bethenny Getting Married... if she's lucky? I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure she actually DID get married, so the question mark is kind of unnecessary, but nevertheless, this is a question-title-show. Let's see if episode one answers any questions!

We start off with Bethenny giving us a rundown on herself, in case any of us missed it on RHONY. She's a chef who's building a brand called Skinny Girl - kicked off, of course, by her Skinny Girl Margarita, and she's made her friends - including a couple of Real Housewives and a bunch of people who work for Skinny Girl.

"I'm your best friend, Bethenny. Say it. Say I'm your best friend!"

She met a man named Jason, fell in love, got knocked up, got engaged, and moved in with him. She's kind of a celeb nowadays and she's anything but ordinary. I like Bethenny because she seems very down-to-earth and easy to relate to. Plus she always keeps a sense of humor about what's going on in her life - even when it's nonsense. She's a downright likable gal.

We join Bethenny and about 15 handlers on their way to a Fashion Week fashion show in which Bethenny is participating. This is the Heart Truth Red Dress Fashion Show, where lots of designers have made red dresses and the proceeds go toward heart disease. There was an episode of Project Runway where they had to do dresses for this very cause so I'm already an expert. Backstage Bethenny is hounded by press while an entire team of stylists try to make her totally red with lipstick, nail polish, etc. She says this all feels surreal because she's pregnant and could eat a pepperoni pizza. Word. That sounds amazing and I'm nowhere near pregnant. Meanwhile a friend named Lauren (also pregnant) pops by to say hello and wish Bethenny well. Freshly red, Bethenny steps onto the red carpet with the likes of Kimora Lee and Joan Collins (totes A-list, for sure). And let's not forget Raven Symone. Bethenny's in a skin tight ruched bright red dress that highlights her baby bump - she looks adorable with her dark hair and red lips.

Very Snow White.

She tells us that she feels self-conscious because she knows everyone is judging her - and she's right! Why else would anyone show up to take pictures at a red carpet if not to judge? This is the celebrity subculture. And she verbalizes what anyone would feel - is there something hanging out of her nose? Does her butt look huge? Do people think she's a slut? Girl's got balls.

Fiance Jason is in the audience to cheer his woman on. She kind of boogies down the runway in slow motion - maybe cuz she's pregnant? - and gets lots of cheers, then Jason poses for pictures with her.

Baby's first runway!

Bethenny tells us that they would both rather be eating potato skins at a mall. Skinny Girl potato skins, I would imagine.

Now we move on to a scene one morning where Bethenny and Jason are waking up and having breakfast. This part is to show us that they are a regular couple, I suppose. But Bethenny wants frosting for breakfast. Okay, now I can't wait to be pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I could easily eat frosting for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but being pregnant is a very legitimate excuse. Currently I'm just insane.

"Would you grab me some sauerkraut to stir into the frosting?"

We learn that it's three months until the baby arrives and Bethenny is looking for a new assistant. Her Skinny Girl business is exploding and she needs more help. She's got a couple of guys from Jersey coming in to see if they fit the bill, but Jason's worried when he finds out they're straight because Bethenny seems to be in the habit of roaming around half-dressed and her office is right here in their condo. Okay, I see Jason's point here. That's a reasonable concern for a fiance. Bethenny thinks her pregnancy negates any chance of inappropriate staring, saying, "What 24-year-old wants to hit this?" Ha ha, that might be true, but she should still get dressed, if only out of respect for Jason, who thinks she looks more beautiful than ever (aaawwwwwww). The most adorable scene happens when they part for Bethenny to walk over into her office and Jason to go back to the "living" portion of the apartment. Cookie the dog has to make Sophie's Choice. Does she go with mommy or daddy? They both call to her and she seriously debates it for like five minutes.

Cutest. Dog. Ever.

I guess she doesn't want to work because she eventually goes with Jason.

Down the hall we discover the Skinny Girl office. And it is a SKINNY GIRL office. The whole thing is branded (and why not?). The office also features a giant poster of Bethenny's nude PETA campaign. Like I said, girl's got balls. She sits down with her current assistant - the one who needs more help - and tells her that Jason wants to have a housewarming party. Here is where we learn one of the fundamental differences between Jason and Bethenny. Jason is extremely social and always wants people around, while Bethenny does not. That's interesting. I could see where down the road that could get very frustrating for both parties.

Time to interview for a new assistant! Bethenny calls the first guy Napolean Dynamite, but they quickly bond over a shared love of out-of-the-way eateries. He even tells her about a phone booth in a restaurant that leads to a secret bar.

Make yourself a dang queso-dilla!

Bethenny concludes that Napolean may not be right for this position, but she'd love to hang with him and go out to eat. She asks the next few guys what they know about babies and weddings - this job would suck, sorry Bethenny - and when one girl is helping her try on one of Jason's shirts as maternity wear, Cookie attacks. Well, snaps. But she is soundly scolded and again, I want this dog.

See how sorry she is?

Then in walks Max. Max knows what a person who needs an assistant is looking for. He's on top of his game and knows many deets about the life and times of Bethenny Frankel. There is one problem, though. Max is straight. Jason no likey. But when Jason comes home Bethenny promises that she'll remain fully clothed at all times and Jason says that's all he's sayin.

Later Jason and Bethenny head for a sushi restaurant. I thought you weren't allowed to eat sushi while pregnant - is this so? Can she only eat non-raw sushi? Mmmm, sushi. This show is just going to make me hungry. As if Top Chef isn't bad enough. Bethenny orders an array of dishes (which all sound cooked) then keeps a menu in case she's not done yet. I love her.

Jason will learn.

She informs us that at this time in her life there's not much sex and there's no booze, but it's all about food. That's already my life, so maybe I'd better not ever get pregnant - there would be no turning back. Same with sleeping, too. Women say they're more tired than ever when they're pregnant, and I don't know how it would be possible for me to sleep more than I do now. Perhaps pregnancy would put me into a coma. Back to the show!

Bethenny reminds Jason that they need to plan their wedding. She concludes that she won't be in the mood to plan a wedding after giving birth, so they need to do it in the next couple of months. Jason worries that Bethenny may go into labor during the wedding, to which she responds that he's been paying attention at the doctor visits and could handle it. This leads to Jason announcing that he wants to be "down there" to watch the entire birth, a thought which horrifies Bethenny. She warns him that he'll see things he'll never forget and he'll regret it. I'm not sure how I would feel about this. I mean, he's her (soon to be) husband and the baby's daddy, but she has a point about seeing things he'll never forget. I think when the moment comes, though, she'll be too preoccupied to care WHO is down there watching the process. At least that's what my mommy friends have told me. Jason insists that it's all natural and beautiful, but maybe he'll watch when they have their second baby. Bethenny guffaws. She says even if she gives birth to an alien this will be her last birth. "This is it. I laughed, I cried." I noticed she said she laughed and cried after she signed a bunch of books earlier. I may have to steal that line. It's a great sum-up. Of anything.

Skinny Girl draws the line.

The next topic of discussion is how big the wedding is going to be. Bethenny suggests 50 people. Ha! I DARE her to have a wedding with only 50 people. Not possible. My fiance and I thought we only knew about 50 people total, then realized that barely covered HIS immediate family and their kids. Already Jason is more on my wavelength, saying he needs to invite his whole family since this is hopefully the only time he'll be getting married. Bethenny tries to compromise by moving the number to 75 or 80, but Jason still seems skeptical. He's right.

And this waiter wasn't able to ever go more than three feet from the table.

When Bethenny tells Jason she's going to see a therapist, he tells her that the minute a couple goes into therapy the relationship is over. Poor Bethenny - she had a crappy childhood. Well, at least a crappy dad. She tells us that this is another major difference between her and Jason. His parents are still together and she was raised by wolves and taken to the racetrack to drink and bet at age seven. "My life was a total circus. And Jason's was a poetry reading." Awesome. She's got such a way with words.

So now we join Bethenny and her therapist, where she explains that she would like to have therapy BEFORE a crisis for once, and she's going through a lot in her life right now. She tells us that she's been engaged THREE times before - and married a long time ago for seven months. Whoa, three times is a lot to think you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone. She says she's the one who broke off each engagement and we also learn that her parents were divorced when she was four and then her mother went through a slew of subsequent husbands. She tells about her dad dying and refusing to acknowledge what he had put her through. He never loved her, which affected all of her relationships. Man, this is depressing. I'm amazed she can comb her hair - let alone run a business.

It's Max's first day at work! This is hilarious because right away Jason hears a male voice and pops in to "see what's up." He's all, "Hey dude, nice to meet you. How do you think it's going to be - working with all women?" There's two women. He goes on, "I know what it's like to be a 24-year-old guy," pointing at Bethenny's PETA poster, etc.

Max is much more interested in looking at Jason's body.

Of course, Bethenny describes this interaction perfectly. "Jason is from the cave era. He had to urinate all over the office to let everyone know that's his territory." Heeee! There's some fist bumping and football talk, then Jason decides it's okay to leave Max to his job.

Jason and Bethenny head into the kitchen where Jason "reminds" her that he's off to Florida for work. Bethenny panics because not only does she not remember hearing this, but also because he's invited one of his friends plus a girlfriend to stay the weekend at the condo - and now he won't even be there. This is a problem. Bethenny is very uncomfortable because she hardly knows these people, and Jason is of the opinion that now that they're living together, she'll need to be hospitable to his friends. I'm going to have to side with Bethenny on this one. Leaving her alone with people she doesn't know and expecting her to be their hostess kind of sucks. If he were going to be around the whole time I would rethink my position, but it sounds like he's leaving and expecting her to handle it happily.

"Argh! Why can't you be totally different?"

Neither one seems willing to budge and they are still debating this as they walk to a jewelry store to pick out wedding rings. Bethenny thinks she is adjusting by agreeing to have everyone over for a housewarming party, but Jason thinks he shouldn't have to ask permission to have people over to his own house. Hmm, maybe if you were single, Jason, but you've involved Bethenny in your life now, so maybe not ask permission, but be respectful of her feelings on the matter? At least they're communicating calmly, though. They'll figure it out. Now to pick out wedding rings!

Kristen Farrell is a jewelry boutique in Manhattan that is taking this HUGE opportunity to advertise by helping Jason and Bethenny out with their wedding rings. Jason picks out something very clean and simple, and then the sales guy talks Bethenny up to this huge diamond-encrusted ring that can keep up with her glorious engagement ring. Well done, Mr. Salesman. He assures them that their wedding will be a "magical moment." Okay settle down, pal.

This magic moment sponsored by Kristen Farrell.

The next day Bethenny is slaving in the kitchen for the housewarming party. She tells us that since she's a chef she can't go weak on the food for their party ("I can't just throw a hunk of cheddar cheese on the table and give people a wet nap"). She's also got to suck it up and be the happy hostess, which means emerging in a tutu. It's actually cute because it sits high up above her belly then puffs out everywhere (as tutus do). It's a good pregnant look. She's offended that straight Max has no reaction to her pretty outfit. Her friend Chuck is also there and Chuck is an interior designer who immediately says to Max, "You're a gay man, so why wouldn't you wear your shoes?" Uh oh. What would possibly make Chuck think Max is gay? Chuck tries to cover by asking what straight man would want to be Bethenny's assistant, then he admits that Max looks very "jooshed up." Ha! He does have very carefully disheveled hair.

"I haven't even had my tips frosted lately!"

Actually Max is really cute about the whole thing and takes it all in stride, which is probably the straightest reaction he could have.

Hello, Loooover!

Just now Jason calls to announce that he is stuck in Florida and won't be making it to the party. This leads me to believe that I was wrong earlier when I assumed Jason was leaving Bethenny alone with his friends for the weekend. But anyway, Bethenny freaks out. This does suck for her. She didn't even want to have this party, Jason did, and now he won't even be there. A little later friends start to show up, including Riccio, Jason's best man. Bethenny says to everyone who walks through the door, "You realize Jason's not here, right?" Then guess who shows up. Alex and Simon! Aw, a little shout out to the RHONY! Bethenny's like, "I know it's weird, but they've been really nice to me." And they continue to be nice, as Alex offers to throw Bethenny a shower. Bridal or baby? A "braby" shower, perhaps.

Alex got the memo on the "metallic pioneer" theme.

Everyone toasts to Jason and Bethenny tells us she's happy there was no drama at this party. Jason calls on speaker phone to say hi to everyone who came to his party that he missed. It's all warm and fuzzy.

This season on Bethenny Getting Married? It looks like Buster Bluth is Bethenny's wedding planner.

"Sister's my new mother, mother!"

Bethenny hawks booze while pregnant, Cookie flips out some more, I think Jason has a Bachelor party, and there look to be many emotional moments. It should be a great ride!

So what do you guys think? How did you like this first hour of Absolut Bethenny? After watching her in concentrated doses, I find myself talking much faster and louder. Maybe I'll be quicker and funnier too. Let's hear your opinions! Did you laugh and cry?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta