Bethenny Getting Married? The Four Week Scramble

Welcome back to Bethenny Getting Married? This is episode 2? We're getting in deep now. But we go dress shopping, which is the most fun part of wedding preparation, imo. Let's go!

Wait, you're getting married?

This week we join Bethenny walking in an absolute blizzard.

"So I'm thinking an outdoor ceremony..."

A little note pops up to tell us that it's 4 weeks to the wedding and 10 weeks to the baby. Bethenny walks into Buster's office for their first wedding planning consultation. 4 weeks to the wedding and she's just now meeting the planner? I guess she's on the last-minute track for everything. I hope she doesn't expect too much - this is New York, after all. Stuff has probably been booked for a good five years. Buster name drops to the camera - Barbara Walters, Jennifer Lopez - but NEVER in four weeks. Never. Bethenny instructs Buster that she'd like a very quintessential New York venue - the Four Seasons restaurant. And you know the cotton candy they bring at the end? It has to be orchestrated to look like a centerpiece. I have no idea what she's talking about here, but cotton candy at a wedding sounds more to me like a county fair theme than quintessential New York. Buster says he's all over it, but he clearly has no idea what she's talking about either and Bethenny is onto him. She says he'd better not start lying to her now because she's giving up control to him. They discuss paparazzi and where the in-laws will be staying... Bethenny breaks into a sweat and Buster tells us this will definitely be a challenge. I can see this turning into an elongated power struggle. Bethenny even admits that she's not in love with Buster, but she doesn't exactly have a lot of options just now.

Now it's some other morning and Bethenny is puttering around in the kitchen in her jammies when Jason's parents emerge fully dressed and ready to hit the town.

"That's okay, I've already seen Times Square."

Bethenny is working on some eggs and she mentions that she heard the in-laws are on a diet - is it to look good for the wedding? Jason's dad says no because he looks terrific as-is and Jason's mom laughs right into the camera. It's pretty cute. Bethenny tells us how excited she is to go dress shopping with Jason's mom. Okay, I'm an avid fan of "Say Yes to the Dress" and I have seen that lots of brides bring their mothers-in-law-to-be shopping with them. This never crossed my mind. Why would my fiance's mom care which dress I choose? Of course, my mother-in-law-to-be has three daughters of her own and my own mom and I are very close, so I think Bethenny is in a totally different situation. She's probably very happy to have a non-crazy person taking a motherly interest in her life. And Jason's mom doesn't have any daughters of her own, so this is sweet.

So much love...

Ooh, actually Bethenny just said that Jason lost his brother so now he's an only child. I wonder what that story is.

Bethenny offers the in-laws some whole wheat toast, which the dad hears as "holy toast," so she jokes about getting the local priest to bless the bread since they were coming into town. I'm getting the feeling this is a Catholic family. Anyone? She's mentioned Lent a couple of times too, so I'm going to roll with it. They don't seem fazed at all that their son is marrying a Jewish girl - good for them. Jason calls to tell everyone that once again he is stranded in Florida - this must be just right after the last episode - so he won't be there for whatever was planned for tonight.

Wedding dress shopping! Bethenny tells the first consultant that she wants her dress to "embrace" her pregnancy. So there will be no empire waists or tent-like billowing skirts I suppose. Bethenny says she feels like a brisket trying to fit into a wedding dress. Embrace that tummy, Bethenny! She gets a couple on that are very elegant and flattering and she tells us she's really starting to feel like a bride. These are actually some really gorgeous dresses that look great, even with the belly.

Who's pregnant?

Jason's mom is all sweet and supportive. The next store isn't quite as elegant. There are lots of frills and sequins. Bethenny says this is more like what she would wear the night she gets pregnant, not the day she gets married. Jason's mom goes, "And you already did that!" Zing! After strict instructions for no "chandelier" dresses, Bethenny deigns to put a couple of tacky-store-dresses on, but hates them all. I'm actually with her. No lace or beading for me - just timeless and elegant looking. Just now Bethenny's editor calls, catching her in a tacky dress, and tells her that she has a month to turn in the second draft of her book. Bethenny almost collapses. She's like, "Oh sure, and I'll rub two sticks together and make a forest fire too." Sorry hun! You've got no one to blame but yourself, you fertile little overachiever, you!

Final dress store! This one is called Amsale, which I immediately read as am-sale, but is actually pronounced am-sahl-uh. Well for fancy! The designer herself is there to help Bethenny so obvs this is a promotional stunt and she'll get her dress here. She picks out a severe mermaid cut, which I can't stand. I have no idea why that is such a rage right now. It's so NOT flattering, but Bethenny loves it and it even has a rhinestone band under her boobs, which she would have spat on in the last store. I guess it pays to have the hook-up with Bravo.

"Someday I'll be... part of your world!"

Sometime later Bethenny is sitting on the couch with something strapped to her belly and Jason arrives home in all his glory. Apparently this contraption is speakers so the baby can listen to music - that's really cool. She's getting that little jelly bean all geared up to be a ferocious overachiever as well.

"So I just show up in a tux, right?"

The happy couple discusses what needs to happen to get the wedding planned and Bethenny goes over the huge list and mentions that they need to get registered. Ah registering. I always thought this would be so fun. Here you go, all you bitches whose showers I came to! Here's your list of what you can finally buy for ME! Wrong. It was totally overwhelming and my fiance was so disinterested that I got to do it all by myself. He was like, "I'll like whatever you pick out." Uh huh. Actually he will, he's an angel, but it didn't help me any that day. It's like deciding what your house will look like for the next 20 years - on the spot.

Oh, but before we get to what Jason and Bethenny's house will look like we stop in at the therapist to get a run-down of Bethenny's inner stamina. Bethenny explains how overwhelmed she's feeling - so much so that she can't really appreciate the wonderful things that are happening to her.

"I'm worried that Buster hasn't found you a venue yet."

We learn that no one from her family is coming to the wedding, by her own choice. It sucks that her relationship with her mom is so adversarial. But I understand - you don't want to think about that crap while you're starting your new life. She talks about finding it a slow process bringing Jason's family into her life in a big way. The husband she had briefly years ago was from a family that Bethenny kind of adopted, so losing them was very traumatic. These therapy sessions make me want to eat an entire chocolate cake. With lots of frosting.

Ah, now we join Bethenny at work. She is attending a gathering in New Jersey for a Jewish Community Center luncheon. She will be the featured speaker. The hostess has gone all out and hired a Mariachi band to play in the driveway of her home as people arrive.

"Bienvenida, señorita!"

This, we find out, is because of Bethenny's Skinny Girl margarita. Get it? Margarita... Mexican... Mariachi. It's a Jewish fiesta! The hostess' name is Elvira (hee hee) and Bethenny says she is just enough of a lunatic to make her feel comfortable.

"I'm also on the Skinny Girl track, Bethenny. See?"

There are a ton of New Jersey Jewish housewives here and Max asks Bethenny if she wants to mingle with them. After all, she will be one of them soon. Max is about to go and mingle himself when Bethenny reminds him that he is her assistant and needs to stay with her. She tells us that this isn't social for her - it's her job. She considers spending time with these women work. I can see that, but it doesn't mean she can't enjoy herself. On the other hand, I absolutely HATE "networking" functions, and wouldn't really want to hang out either. She makes a couple of rounds, signs a couple of books, then gets up to give her presentation to the ladies, which she begins by publicly taunting Max. But like in an affectionate way. Her presentation is all about cooking - you know, she's a chef - and the women all kind of glaze over.

"Who here knows the word 'oven?'"

Bethenny tells us that none of them have ever seen the inside of a kitchen. Hmm, I wonder why they invited Bethenny to speak then. Must be the celebrity factor. And it gave them an excuse to have Baja Fresh cater something for them.

After the speech Bethenny's fondest wish is for Max to shove her into a waiting car and get her out of there. Instead Max is still busy chatting up the marrieds and Bethenny has to stand in the driveway for 20 minutes waiting for the car and kind of looking foolish. She hurried away from the crowds wanting a piece of her just to stand in the driveway. Max gets a little talking-to about how to handle things next time. It has to look like Bethenny legitimately has somewhere else to be - in a hurry. Badly done, Max. Did you get any phone numbers?

It looks like Bethenny has hired a dog whisperer to help get Cookie ready for the baby. Remember how Cookie freaked out when people came to interview? Bethenny jokes that now Cookie has a shrink and next she'll have an astrologist. I say she'll know she's reached the big time when she's taking Cookie to doggy yoga. Until then it's small potatoes.

Cookie's so over it.

The trainer just teaches her to reward calm behavior and ignore loud frantic behavior. I guess time will tell if old Cookie can learn these new tricks.

In the Skinny Girl office Bethenny is working on her skin care line. Who DOESN'T have a skin care line now days? I don't trust any of them. Speaking of which, the guy there helping Bethenny mix up her potions has horrifying skin, which he claims is the result of a chemical peel. I'll stick to Neutrogena. No rashes and I can buy it at the grocery store.

Sweet, we're getting to the registry portion of the program. Bethenny and Jason are at BLOOMINGDALE'S for crying out loud. I'm going to take a second and get on my soapbox here. Bloomingdale's? I once had to purchase a gift from a Bloomingdale's registry and all I could afford was a serving spoon. Literally. And it was upwards of $75. I understand that the registry is a helpful tool for couples so that they don't get a ton of repeat gifts, or things they don't want or need. This can save a lot of time after the wedding returning crap. However, the registry is only a suggestion for friends who WANT to buy a gift and WANT some help choosing one. When I registered I was slightly horrified at the prices of certain things and worried that people would think I had a lot of nerve suggesting that they buy me a $300 comforter (for example). Of course, then my fiance accessed the registry on-line and immediately added an outdoor grill. I figured that a lot of times groups of people may want to go in on one large gift, so that made me calm down about the expensive items. But anyway, Bethenny and Jason take the exact opposite approach.

The Bloomingdale's helper tells them, "Home wasn't built in a day," suggesting a) that he's terribly clever and b) that they spend several days picking everything out, but Bethenny and Jason are about getting it done quick.

"It's a blooming great day!"

Bethenny picks up a glass that costs $175 and says she would never speak to someone again if they broke that glass. I myself would die of embarrassment if someone bought me ONE glass that cost $175. They vacillate over whether they are napkin ring people, then Bethenny says if anyone dares to buy her $5 napkin rings they are dismissed from her life. Even if they buy the whole set of eight. See, I can't get my head around that attitude. I think she's kidding, but still, this is quite over the top. There's a hilarious part where the helper has Jason stand on a tea cup to show how durable it is and that it never breaks. Jason does and it immediately breaks. This is Bloomingdale's, people! That tea cup probably costs a hundred dollars. Then they worry for a good ten minutes over whether they will offer coffee to their future dinner guests following the meal. I'm exhausted just listening.

"Bethenny, we may want to consider after-dinner espresso."

A bit later Buster takes Bethenny to look at a possible venue for the wedding. Max is along to announce when she's out of time, I suppose. This place is called Studio 450 and it's just a raw space. This is becoming a trend I've noticed, but places like this usually offer tables, chairs, linens, etc, that you can rent from them. Not Studio 450. You'd have to bring everything in yourself. Bethenny is totally appalled and tells Buster there is no way she's having her wedding here.

"Don't you people know I've come up in the world?"

But while they're chatting, Buster asks Bethenny if she has any family heirloom brooches she'll be wearing with her wedding dress. Again, Bethenny is appalled that Buster hasn't been paying attention. If he had, he'd know that she has no family, and therefore no heirlooms. Bethenny practices the first dance with Max, who has "Twilight" hair today. Max wants to know if Bethenny's generation grinds at weddings. Bethenny says that HER GENERATION only grinds if they're drunk at nightclubs, but she'd hope that they won't at her wedding. Now she's taking Buster to the Four Seasons to show him what he should be trying to accomplish.

Buster reminds Bethenny that the Four Seasons is not available in four weeks, and Bethenny says yes, but this is the style she wants. It's very beautiful, and I'm sure it's outrageously expensive - not to mention booked years in advance, but Bravo is here, m'kay folks? Something will come together, I predict. Buster wants to argue about how many seats should be at each table and I think they need to be concentrating on finding a location first. Bethenny instructs Buster to negotiate with the Four Seasons guy, which of course means putting the location on TV and selling the bejonkers out of it, but Buster is frightened.

"One, two, three, FOUR weeks! Four Seasons in four weeks!"

Will it happen? Will it happen? Watch what happens! Bravo should pay me for this.

Next week Bethenny talks more crap about Buster, dumps more on her therapist, leaves with her friends, Jason and his friends for Atlantic City for the Bachelor/Bachelorette party, and has many emotional ups and downs. Looks exciting!

So what did you think? Are you having fun planning Bethenny's wedding? Glad you're not Buster?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta