Sunday, July 11, 2010

Bethenny Getting Married? No Turning Back Now!

Baby mama drama!

Hey guys! This is a very interesting episode of Bethenny Getting Married? for me to recap because I just barely returned from my own fabulous honeymoon after my own fabulous wedding! Of course Bethenny has no chance of even coming close the glory that was the celebration of the brand new Mr. and Mrs. Honey Gangsta, but I’ll go ahead and comment on what happened anyway. Let’s go!

We begin with nine hours to the wedding and counting. Buster is over at the Four Seasons overseeing the decoration and presentation and he tells us that he has just accomplished in four weeks what would normally take him nine to 13 months. He’s very proud of this and just as he finishes patting himself on the back he pulls out a flower arrangement that has been created for Cookie to wear.


Okay, what? Ramona’s dog participated in her vow renewal on RHONY and frankly I just don’t get it. Everyone loves their dogs, but is it really necessary to have them in your wedding? Come on.

At 8.5 hours to go Bethenny applies a facial mask and calls her editor with her manuscript. She has overcommitted herself beyond comprehension, but she gets it taken care of and gets her butt off the phone finally.

"I may have to cut the wedding short."

Assistant Julie walks in with a card for Bethenny from Jason. It says, “Bethenny, today is the first day I get to call you my wife for the rest of my life. I’ll cherish this moment forever. See you tonight. Love, your husband.” Aw, that’s really sweet. Julie is just as excited for Bethenny as any non-paid friend would be and they both shed some tears – ruining Bethenny’s mask. Bethenny wants to know if she looks MORE pregnant today than on any other day, but Julie says no and that the dress WILL fit because there is no other choice. Meanwhile Buster is at the venue taking the dress out of its bag so it can “breathe.” Is it a dress or a bottle of wine?

Poor thing has been all cooped up in plastic.

Maid of Honor Teri comes by for breakfast to hear about how exhausted Bethenny is and that she needs a nap. Good luck. She doesn’t even sleep at night, like she’s really going to take a snooze with her wedding eight hours away? Bethenny relates that she’s not at all excited for her name to be Mrs. Hoppy and Teri points out that “Hoppy” is so close to “happy” that Bethenny should love it. This hasn’t occurred to Bethenny until this moment and it cheers her up a little. But as for baby names, Bethenny is stuck on things like Bunny and Poppy to go along with Hoppy. Hoppy IS kind of a sucky last name, but I’ve heard much worse.

Bethenny calls Buster for some last minute threats lest anything falls short of quintessential New York perfection. He is very calm and reassuring, then hangs up and tells his minions that the flower pots hanging in the windows simply MUST be redone. He knows his life is hanging by a thread here.

Dead man calling.

Back at Bethenny’s Jason’s mom presents her with a little silver locket containing pictures of Jason and Bethenny. This is to serve as the start of a new family tradition, which is lovely. But enough of that sentimental nonsense, the makeup people are here! And not only the makeup people, but also a staffer from OK magazine to get some shots of Bethenny getting ready. That would be sort of annoying, but what’s even more annoying is that Cookie is freaking out all over the place. Poor dog, she has no idea what these teams of strangers are doing in her home.

Snapped. Starring Cookie.

Suddenly it’s only three hours to the wedding and Bethenny is pulling away in an SUV. I guess makeup and putting Bethenny’s hair in Velcro rollers took the last five hours. Buster is still in his zen mode when the OK girl shows up and they both discuss getting bitten by Cookie when attempting to do something for Bethenny. Sheesh! Cookie better watch it or she’s going to find she’s cooked her own goose. As the SUV arrives at the Four Seasons Bethenny is surprised to discover a slew of paparazzi waiting for her. She’s seriously surprised? Aren’t the paparazzi half of her career?

The understated elegance of quintessential New York.
My wedding was way better.

To Buster’s good luck and safety, Bethenny is quite pleased with the set up of the Four Seasons. There are an awful lot of roses going on – red roses everywhere and her bouquet is just a big bunch of white roses. I suppose she considers that quintessential New York, but you have to keep in mind that I just attended my own wedding two weeks ago, so I keep mentally comparing all of her choices to mine. I didn’t use any roses because they seem too common to me. Is that weird? My bouquet was orange calla lilies with a ring of other bright orange flowers around them. Well, Bethenny IS having a winter wedding, so maybe the roses are wintry and my orange flowers were summery. Maybe I’ll get back to the show.

Buster shows Bethenny the place where she’ll appear before all of her wedding guests as she’s about to walk down the aisle and he tells her to pause there for a few moments and take it all in. This is great advice. All you married folks out there know that on your wedding day you are so overwhelmed with so many emotions that it’s really hard to stop and concentrate on any one thing. I kept trying to let everything sink in, but I don’t know if it’s possible while you’re in the middle of it. Bethenny tears up thinking about that moment, and again, I gotta say those emotions are all so powerful and overwhelming – I feel you, girlfriend!

At least pull it together enough to remove all rollers.

Jason arrives and he is all aflutter. He tells Buster that he is completely wound up and nervous and that he needs an alcoholic beverage to help calm him down a little. He says he hasn’t been nervous until the moment he walked in and saw the venue all done up. Why is it that you can be the picture of calm and then just before the ceremony the nerves hit? It’s like, you knew this was coming, you agreed to all of this, you’ve been planning it for months (or weeks in this case), but when it’s upon you it’s terrifying? My dad told me it’s because there is a scale of life changing events from 1 to 100, the death of a child being worth 100, and that getting married is something like 40. I love my dad. Every time he saw how nervous I was he kept saying, “It’s okay to be nervous. Getting married is 40 life-change units.” And it would crack me up every time. I’m just saying, I feel where Jason’s coming from too. 40 life-change units, Jason. It’s okay. Bethenny has her nerves calmed by accepting a foot massage from a Four Season’s waiter. Ha!

I wish someone had remembered to bring makeup.

Jason’s posing for pictures for OK with his best man and they reveal that they’ve had a bet going that whoever got married first owed the other one a thousand dollars. So Jason owes his friend a grand. He’s fine with that, but looking around frantically for the vodka and soda he sent Buster to fetch.

"Dude, I'm so getting a PlayStation."

Elsewhere Bethenny is getting her hair teased and Maid of Honor Teri is in her face asking if she ever thought she’d be 7 months pregnant walking down the aisle. Then she notices that Bethenny has somehow attached the locket from Jason’s mom onto her panties and Teri thinks this is all very Freudian. When Teri launches into her theories on the Chinese zodiac Bethenny has had it and tells her she needs to calm down. Miraculously Bethenny’s dress fits perfectly and she hardly looks pregnant at all. She looks gorgeous – even though I don’t like the mermaid style. And Buster makes everyone leave the room except for Assistant Julie because he can see how stressed out Teri is making Bethenny.

Outside guess who is arriving to give the paparazzi a thrill? It’s Ramona and Mario! And Ramona is dressed like she’s going to the Oscars. I’m surprised her dog isn’t there with her in diamonds.

Way to not upstage Bethenny, Ramona.

Inside Bethenny has to pee and Buster tells her it’s going to be at least 35 minutes before she’ll have a chance to get to the bathroom. Assistant Julie finds a bucket – a silver Four Seasons bucket, mind you, but a bucket – and she and Buster get all up under Bethenny’s dress, get her panties off, and hang out under her skirt while she pees in the bucket. She even has to stick her finger in a glass of water so that she can relax enough to go.

Just another day at the opulent Four Seasons.

This would be a major problem because bridal gowns are such a freaking process to get in and out of. My adrenaline must have been skyrocketing because once I got my dress on I didn’t have to pee for a good eight hours… luckily.

Oh and here come Simon and Alex in their Academy Award finest.

"Never mind me - I'm just here for Bethenny."

I love that Bethenny didn’t invite Jill, LuAnn and Kelly. Who needs ‘em? Jason’s hanging out inside with his parents and they’re all talking about how nervous they are. 40 life-change units, guys. It’s okay. The venue is filling up and everyone is speculating about what the dress will look like and how the ceremony will go. It’s time for Bethenny to get into position, which means making her way through the back areas of the restaurant through very tight spaces in her big white dress with her big pregnant belly. She finally arrives at the predetermined point and Buster fusses around her dress and veil making sure everything is perfect. Jason steps up onto the platform – which has been erected over the fabulous pool in the middle of the room.

Some curtains open and there is our Bethenny, serenely holding her bouquet of white roses and taking a moment to feel everything.

Big gasp! Ahhhhhhh.

Jason says, “Wow.” She walks down the aisle to Canon in D and Jason meets her and lifts her veil. He tells her she looks beautiful. The lady minister gives her speech, mentioning that the couple would like to acknowledge Jason’s brother Bryan, who passed away. Jason takes his turn and tells Bethenny how much he loves her and how happy she makes him. Bethenny takes her turn and talks about how much she loves him and his family and wants them to be a team, and how happy she is for that night “in da club.” I guess they met in a club? Very Bethenny. Then the minister does the matrimonial vows and happily they both answer “I do.”

Wake up, Jason!

They exchange rings and promise each other that from this day forward they shall not walk alone. That’s so sweet. And… they’re married! Hooray! Bethenny Getting Married? I guess so! And PS, I didn’t see Cookie anywhere.

Quick! Buster only has 45 minutes to completely transform the room from ceremony set up to reception set up, so he’s doling out orders and Bethenny can’t wait to get her hands on the cake. The sad thing about your wedding cake is that you barely get any. Everyone else eats it. At least for me. I only got the morsel my husband put in my mouth when we cut it and that’s it. And mine was heavenly. I have to wait a year to thaw out the top layer and have another bite. If any of you were lucky enough to eat your own wedding cake – good for you! Any of you yet to have a wedding – get that cake into your mouth! You’ll thank me.

The newlyweds are announced as Mr. and Mrs. Jason Hoppy and they come out to the floor to have their first dance. They both look really happy as they dance to “No One” by Alicia Keys and the crowd slowly joins them.

"Honey - I peed in a bucket!"

Jason’s parents are adorable, btw. They look just as happy as the couple themselves. Teri gives a sweet toast and then everyone sits down to dinner. Later Jason and Bethenny get up to cut the cake and Bethenny announces that the cake is all she has in the world besides Jason. Remember that this is Buster’s big moment of truth because he was ordered to find a cake that would imitate exactly Bethenny’s favorite red velvet cake from a bakery that couldn’t do her wedding. She has threatened Buster’s life and fertility several times over this matter. It looks like Buster is spared because Bethenny loves the cake and even gives Buster a huge hug while she eats it.

"I shall let you live!"

The evening really gets going now that everyone has had a few drinks and is ready to dance. A couple of Jason’s friends even dive into the pool to frolic, which was Bethenny’s worst fear. She decides she has no room to complain since she just got done peeing in a bucket, but personally I think it’s pretty obnoxious. Definitely NOT quintessential New York or respectful of Jason.

Blame it on da al-al-al-al-alcohol.

But I guess if Bethenny and Jason don’t care then why should I? When they leave Jason is still in his tuxedo but Bethenny is in her white “bride” jogging suit. Jason absent-mindedly tells the press that they’re off to St. Bart’s for their honeymoon. Welcome, paparazzi!

Next week… the honeymoon! It looks like they find some animal poop in their hotel room so they have to search through their stuff for an iguana. Ew!

So what did you think?? Was this the wedding of the year? Of course not – mine was! Ha! But really, let’s hear it!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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