Monday, July 19, 2010

Bethenny Getting Married? I Hope So, They're on a Honeymoon

Never too early to get the baby in front of a camera.

Hey beloved readers! Welcome back to Bethenny Getting Married?! This week we go on an all-expenses-paid honeymoon to St. Barts courtesy of Bravo. This, of course, means that every single second is documented on film for our enjoyment. No privacy for the newlyweds when Bravo's footing the bill!

Before we dive in - THANK YOU all for your kind congratulations on my own 40 life-change unit event. I love the discussions that sometimes happen in the comments - last week was so interesting! I love hearing about your own weddings (and weddings-to-be) and the thoughts on changing your name and how that affects your marriage. You guys are just awesome! Thank you for sharing with me! Now, Kaykrenee asked for a pic or two of my glorious wedding. I didn't want to be too big of a narcissist, but since there was an actual request... ha ha. I'm putting a couple at the end of this recap - faces showing and all!

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Right away we are in St. Barts, which is in the French West Indies, according to the little caption on-screen. Our newlyweds emerge from their terminal at the airport with Jason pulling all the luggage and Bethenny hobbling along clutching a stuffed animal.

Let the unbridled passion begin!

She looks SOOOO uncomfortable. We're told that it's 7 weeks until the baby and I'm wondering who on earth let her fly? I thought you weren't allowed to fly that close to giving birth - am I wrong? Or did Bravo just give the TSA a fat bribe? What gives? Bethenny tells us she'd love to be the sexy bride, but she's a disaster. I can't imagine being hugely pregnant on my honeymoon because it was the best time of my whole life and being totally comfortable was crucial.

When they arrive at the hotel to check in they both have their hands on the counter and keep looking at their wedding rings. We totally did that too! I even took pictures of my husband's left hand because it seemed so cool that even his hand was married now.

"We're married. We just got married. We're married now."

The French girl behind the counter assures them that everything will be taken care of and wonderful. Then she drives them in a little golf cart down to their VILLA. Yes, they have an entire house on the beach... with their own pool! Wow, thanks Bravo. THIS is how to honeymoon. They take their clothes off and jump into the pool immediately. Bethenny laments to us that this is not how she ever thought her honeymoon would be. She always envisioned being her "hot rocket" self, which I guess means sultry and sexy, teasing and tempting her new husband at every turn. And instead she feels like Humpty Dumpty. She even says she ripped her pants. You know, flying couldn't have helped - that puffs you up like nothing else. As they frolic naked in the pool they notice an Iguana hanging out in the flowers and oh-so-thoughtfully name him Iggy.

Next it's off to the beach where Bethenny continues to complain about how big she feels and Jason tells her she's beautiful. She's seriously waddling, BUT honestly, she has only herself to thank (well, maybe Jason too).

"Did I mention how big and gross I feel?"

As they lie in the surf Jason says, "I love you, Mrs. Hoppy." Awwwwww, okay. Can something interesting happen?

Not this.

Ah, here we go. When they get back to their VILLA (it really just needs to be in all caps every time) they discover an enormous pile of animal crap in the middle of the living room floor.

"This would never happen to a Skinny Girl."

So disgusting. And disturbing. Bethenny starts dry heaving and wants to call front desk, but Jason goes to clean it up since it's their own fault for leaving the door open. Really, that's awful. They start searching through everything to see if Iggy is still hanging out in their room waiting for another chance to relieve himself. Jason keeps talking about what a great poop it was and how Iggy must feel so good right now.

"Look hon. It's just like if our baby poops all over the house!"

Thank you Jason, that's lovely. He gets it cleaned up and outside while Bethenny tries really hard not to lose her entire stomach all over the place. So romantic.

On morning three of the honeymoon our newlyweds embark on a little craft project of waxing Bethenny's hairy belly. Apparently hair grows on that line that appears down the middle of the pregnant stomach.

The stuffed dog can't bear to watch.

Now THIS is every girl's honeymoon dream. Her new husband waxing the hair off of her stomach. Well, at least they're comfortable around each other. Jason goes, "Why do you grow hair when you get pregnant like that?" And Bethenny goes, "Jason, ask God. What do you want from my life? I don't know." HA! She sounds so defeated. Like she would so love to feel sexy and attractive but it's just not going to happen.

Over lunch they discuss the big name change. Bethenny wonders when she'll be Mrs. Hoppy and when she'll still be Bethenny Frankel. She HAS built an entire brand on Bethenny Frankel, so it's kind of a dilemma. She says she likes B. Hoppy. Like don't worry be hoppy. Jason's like, "Thanks, I've never heard THAT before." Sorry Jason, your name kinda sucks. Bethenny tells us that Jason wants her to take his name so that he can have ownership over her, like she's his slave. All right, calm down Bethenny. She's kidding people, but still. As was brilliantly discussed in the comments last week, the name change is very important to the cohesiveness of the family. I've always planned to change my name when I got married, but I'm sure it will take a while before it feels normal. I've had my maiden name for 33 years - HOLLA Kdognatl! I'm a "mature" bride too!!! But yeah, Jason and Bethenny are on the doorstep of parenthood and she really should get on board one way or the other. Anyhoo, there is a small child screaming nearby and they start talking about being parents. Bethenny can't wait to be called Mommy, but neither of them has experience babysitting and neither one of them has ever changed a diaper! What?! Is this because they live in New York and it's a totally different culture there? How do you live a whole life and NEVER be around a baby?

Later Bethenny is still wallowing in her pregnant state and tells Jason that she bought him a windsurfing lesson so that at least one of them can enjoy the delights of St. Barts to the fullest. While Jason tries to windsurf Bethenny watches a little toddler girl running around on the beach. This child is obviously not American because she's running around in only her swimsuit bottoms and floaties. It's only in America that we feel the need to fully dress our children in public. Anyway, Bethenny watches this little girl and her family - including another nearly naked little girl - and gets very teary and emotional. I'm sure this is partly due to pregnancy hormones, but when Jason comes back she cries about how this is the last time they'll ever be alone and they never took any time for themselves, and now everything is about to change.

"And I'm faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!"

She's worried about maintaining her career at it's current level while trying to be a mom (good luck with that). Jason tries to reassure her that he'll be there to help and they can do it.

"Our assistants will really have to step it up. So will the nanny."

On day 6 of the honeymoon Bethenny announces that she'd like to go on a "food crawl," which I guess is like a pub crawl, but with food instead of booze. She attributes this, of course to her pregnancy, but I protest. I LOVE doing "food crawls" in new cities. I would say that a good chunk of the excitement on my honeymoon was the restaurants. We carefully chose - and photographically documented - every meal we had. It was divine. Bethenny and Jason start out with escargot, which I've never tried, but probably would. Bethenny is seriously loving this and when they leave to walk around the town all she can talk about is finding more food. I love her. At their THIRD stop for their THIRD lunch (did I mention I love her?) they are served some sort of red pepper that Bethenny volunteers to try. She tears a tiny piece off and eats it - then almost chokes to death. Apparently it is hot enough to send her into labor.

So I'm guessing no pepper crawl?

Jason doesn't want to be left out and he eats some too, then they are both in a world of hurt. I learned on Food Detectives that dairy products detach the "hot" molecules found in spicy foods from your tongue so it's good to drink milk or eat sour cream when you're burning from a pepper. Jason and Bethenny have pina coladas that don't seem to be helping. The chef comes out and laughs, asking them if it's good. I wonder if he'll be laughing while he delivers Bethenny's baby right there in his restaurant.

For their last night on the honeymoon Jason has arranged for them to have dinner at a private table set up in the middle of a swimming pool - I guess they're back at their hotel. It's lovely and romantic - totes private except for the camera crew. They're both a little sad that the honeymoon is ending, but they're excited to start their family. Jason even volunteers to change the first diaper. I wonder how long that enthusiasm will last. It's not gonna seem cute at three in the morning when you've got a 6 AM meeting, Jason. Just sayin.

Back in New York Bethenny has enlisted Chuck, one of her gay besties, to go baby shopping with her. On and on she goes about how gross she feels and that she thinks she's having a girl - I'm surprised that Jason and Bethenny have the patience to wait for the birth to find out. In the first store Bethenny is mesmerized with the tiny baby dresses - those get me every time - but they've got to pick out furniture for the as-yet non-existent nursery. They're at a store called Yoya and Bethenny spots a bright green stuffed elephant she'd like to have in the nursery. Cristina, the owner of Yoya, is no dummy and offers Bethenny the elephant for free. This segment of the program is sponsored by Yoya apparently.

Get your head out of the branding, Chuck!

To thank Cristina, Bethenny and Chuck take the elephant and head to another store to buy everything else. Screw you, Yoya! It's off to Bellini for the rest of the nursery. The Bellini ladies ask what Bethenny's having and she says it has to be a girl. She tells us that it just has to be healthy with 10 fingers and 10 toes... and a vagina. Hee! The Bellini ladies offer to do the needle test where they dangle a needle over Bethenny's belly. If the needle sways up and down it's a boy and if the needle sways in a circular motion it's a girl.

The miracle of modern science. In a baby store named for a cocktail.

It goes in a circle, so Bethenny is convinced and starts picking out girly stuff. This is making me want a baby so let's move on quickly.

It's over to Dr. Amador to analyze the wedding, honeymoon and upcoming birth. Bethenny tells him how happy she was on her wedding day, but that she's realized that she's crammed all of these huge events into a tiny period of time in her life and that it's made her a little sad, but she's ready to move on and become a mother. They talk about finding balance, which I've got to say, Bethenny isn't good at. She's constantly overwhelmed and in headless chicken mode. It will be interesting to see how a baby figures into the equation.

And finally, Bethenny has decided to do a nude pregnancy photo shoot. Um, okay. I think this is becoming quite en vogue ever since Demi Moore appeared naked and hugely pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair. I can see that this is a beautiful time of life and all, but it also seems so PERSONAL - a word not in Bethenny's vocabulary I'm sure. She's sprawls across her bed in nothing but lace panties, feeling, of course, fat and uncomfortable.

"Stop looking at my hideousness! Can you fix the light on my boobs?"

She remembers her last nude photo shoot with PETA and how different she felt then. No one's holding a gun to your head, Bethenny. The pictures DO actually look very ethereal and sweet - I'm just not sure the general public needs to see them, but see them we have, indeed.

And later Jason joins Bethenny for lunch and an ultrasound. Okay, just an ultrasound, but it sounded more like a date my way.

Jason behaves so he can get a lollipop.

They still don't want to know the sex. Bethenny says it just looks like a blob and it could be a platypus for all she cares, as long as it's healthy... and a girl. The technicians say everything looks great so that's good.

Next week! The baby comes five weeks early! Jason and Bethenny have their own little video camera to document everything and it looks very amusing.

So what do you think? How did you like the St. Barts honeymoon? What kind of parents do you think these two are going to be?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

And now, by popular request (meaning one) here are a couple of pics of Mr. and Mrs. Honey Gangsta!

The GQ shot.

The first dance. If you could see my face it would be a crying mess.

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