Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bethenny Getting Married? Birthin' Baby

Baby's first feature story

Welcome to another exciting episode of Bethenny Getting Married?! Tonight Bethenny demonstrates what it's like to have a baby when you have a paid team of people to do everything for you except physically push the baby out. Sound realistic? Let's see, shall we?

It's five weeks before the due date and Bethenny has decided to get a little better informed about baby safety. Seems wise. She goes back to Rosie Pope Maternity for a baby CPR session. She's there with two other pregnant women who seem to know what's going on, but the whole idea of a baby choking mostly just makes Bethenny panic.

What to do if your baby doll talks back.

She asks a few silly questions, makes a few silly comments, and giggles. Everyone takes it good-naturedly because they get to be on TV. Once she has sufficiently rescued a couple of rubber baby dolls she's ready to learn how to put a baby seat in a car.

"So I do this BEFORE the driver hits the gas?"

Seriously, you guys. The little girls on MTV (16 and Pregnant) figure this out, so I think Bethenny will be fine. She just needs to make sure that Julie and Max read all the car seat instructions.

Later on Bethenny's friend Lauren stops by the condo. We met her in episode one when she was still pregnant, but now she's got a month-old baby boy. And a baby nurse. The big test here is how Cookie will react to the baby - which incidentally is to bark. Bethenny worries to Lauren that she won't be getting any sleep, to which Lauren responds, "Well you'll have a nurse."

"I mean, who gets up with their own baby? Aha ha ha ha!"

Okay. I've got to take a minute here. A nurse? The first time I heard of this was on Sex and the City when Miranda got a baby nurse. I've been around babies my whole life and no one I have ever known had a baby nurse. (Except for Scarlett O'Hara and she's just my literary friend... and she owned slaves.) Lauren's nurse is named Gina and we learn that she's about done serving her time with Lauren and then will be moving on to Bethenny. Is this newborn care for the extremely wealthy? Am I missing something here? I mean, most moms get up with their own babies, no? I'm not saying it's easy - I just had no idea there was an alternative. Bethenny guesses that she won't be on her regular work schedule for a while. Good guess, there Bethenny. Most women take a maternity leave. Lauren says that people stop her in the street, which she loves, but which will probably annoy Bethenny. Well, in that case Max can just walk the baby.

It's now time to set up the nursery because Bethenny has entered her nesting phase. She tells us that she's craving order for the baby's room. This, of course means that Max and Julie are summoned to make sense of the pile of products hanging out in the nursery while Bethenny supervises and makes snide comments from the couch.

"I mean it, Max. I'm nesting hard core. Get to work."

She immediately starts in on Max about his hair and eyebrows and he informs her that while she was on her honeymoon he went out with a girl he met a while back at Bethenny's JCC event - the one where he didn't have a car ready for her quick enough. Bethenny wonders why she didn't know about this and Max says it was "mad DL," which he then explains means "on the down low." I'm not convinced that Max is straight. Especially when he talks about tweezing his eyebrows then says, "mad DL." But for good measure Max would also like to take out a girl who works at the jewelry store that sponsored Bethenny's engagement and wedding rings. After practicing how he should ask her out we move onto another day.

It's early morning and Bethenny's water has broken all over the bed. It happened during the night and Bethenny just had a trickle on her leg. She says it's not like in the movies where water gushes down your legs all over the place. They call the doctor and he tells them to come to the hospital... it's time!

Cookie will clean up the mess on the sheets.

Bethenny and Jason decompensate into their respective manic personality modes. Bethenny's like, "Call Julie! Call Julie! I've got the Today Show! I've got QVC!" Jason's like, "I'm calling my parents and my best man and my frat brothers..." Can either of them think about getting to the hospital? I'm gonna say it, folks. These two are a hot mess. They're cute and mostly endearing, but when it comes to running their lives they are totally hopeless. This explains why Bethenny has an entire staff to spoon feed her through each day. And now a baby nurse will be joining the team. With this many people, she should have nothing to worry about - ever. And all she does is stew and fret and wonder how she'll ever get organized. This morning is no different. I get that it's five weeks sooner than expected, but really all Bethenny can do is yell at Jason to make a list for Julie. And all Jason wants to do is call people.

"Dude, I think my wife is in labor! Did you catch Burn Notice last night?"

Bethenny's like, "We didn't just get engaged. There's water coming out of my vagina!" Ha ha ha! Jason won't get off the phone and Bethenny's getting more and more worked up. Julie arrives cool as a cucumber all ready to clear Bethenny's schedule. Bethenny wants to take a shower and Jason starts looking up what they're supposed to do in a baby book... seriously.

"It says here to choose a name. Wait, wrong chapter."

As far as I know Julie is a single gal with no kids and she's the one who seems to know best what these two are supposed to do.

The part about this that surprises me the most is that it doesn't seem to be a huge emergency. I guess movies do trick you because you always picture a woman in labor screaming and about to give birth in the car on the way to the hospital. Bethenny's fine (well, physically) and they both have time to take showers and then bounce off the walls wondering where to start. But she's not in any pain and the baby isn't coming down the birth canal. They have a cute moment in the kitchen while Julie organizes the hospital bag and they talk to each other about being mommy and daddy.

On the way to the hospital Bethenny requests a bagel because she's starving. Jason promises he'll get her one after they get checked in at the hospital. Then they argue over whether the baby nurse will be there the first night they get home. Jason thinks that his mom will be enough help, but Bethenny isn't used to doing stuff on her own.

"Lauren got a nurse the first night home!"

Jason calls Julie to give her yet another list of things to do and she's already waiting for them at the hospital. This girl is incredible. I would hate to be her, but she's got this personal assistant stuff down pat. I hope she's able to have a life of her own one day. And I hope Bethenny pays her well.

Max shows up at the hospital entrance to receive his orders and Julie comes down and tells him he has to pick out and purchase a bassinet and then pick up some underwear for Bethenny to wear home from the hospital - all she had at home were thongs, which... ouch. Max is all flustered because he has no idea what a bassinet is and he's only ever picked out female underwear for himself. I kid, I kid.

Bethenny and Jason are documenting the entire labor with a home video camera - I'm guessing the crew isn't allowed into the maternity ward. It's now hour three and Julie is showing up with more flavored ice for Bethenny. Remember how she was starving? Well, the only thing she's allowed to eat during labor is Italian ice. That's something else no one tells you. Bethenny wants to know if Julie's going to get everything organized. What do you think, Bethenny? This is the woman who makes your life happen every day. Bethenny tells Julie that Jason is totes relieved that they had sex this week, since now it's going to be a while. Run, Julie!!!

Ah, here's Max shopping for panties.

"Yes I love that fabric. It's so soft against my - ahem, HER skin."

A sales girl is showing him some stretchy options in a bikini and boy short... then she moves on to thongs. Max is like, "I know she wears thongs! Yes!" Oh crap. This was the whole point of the underwear purchase! No thongs! Max tells us that he has four years of college education and this is his job - buying underwear. Welcome to the world, Max! I spent the first three years out of college three-hole punching papers and two years out of grad school watching my ridiculously overpaid boss call me using long distance codes (1 + area code + 7 digit number) from the adjoining office. It was during these disillusioning years that I realized I probably wouldn't mind giving up work to be a mom someday. At Bellini the sales girl shows Max what a bassinet is, but refuses to help him put it together there in the store. That will be Julie's job later at home.

At the hospital it's hour seven and Jason tells Bethenny that his mom called to tell Bethenny that HER mom called. Bethenny doesn't think this is something she wants to deal with just now. She would like to remain as relaxed as possible. Jason suggests Bethenny calls her back later. I keep thinking this isn't the time to even be discussing this, but honestly there's nothing else going on here. Another movie trick. I never thought that when having a baby you get to the hospital and just chill for hours on end. Bethenny and Jason talk to the baby into the video camera and it's super cute. This kind of stuff is what makes me baby hungry.

At hour 13 Bethenny's working on her 53rd Italian ice and they're thinking that it's still going to be 12 hours before the birth. Bethenny's ready to hit a bar or rent some porn.

...right after she wets the bed.

Julie and Max are back at the condo trying to put together the bassinet. Max is totally helpless. Hasn't he ever shopped at IKEA?

"The baby's head goes here?"

Julie ends up having to do most of it while Cookie watches and seems to sense her impending doom.

"It may be time to go over the wall."

Hour 14 and we're finally seeing Bethenny going through some contractions. This does not look fun. She's grabbing the railing on the hospital bed and trying to breathe through it.

"Jason, write down that Julie needs to have contractions for me."

And at home Gina is reporting for duty. Julie shows Gina her bed in the baby's room. Okay, Gina sleeps (or doesn't sleep) with the baby??? So Gina's the paid mom. What exactly will Bethenny be doing to participate? Julie is opening up baby gifts and asking Gina what they are and what to do with them. At one point she holds up some decorative soap and asks, "Do we need this?" Gina's like, "Uh, no." She also breaks out some "organic" diapers, which Gina quickly vetos for not being disposable. Word - that's crazy.

Bethenny's contractions are getting worse and she says she wants to know how high school girls have babies in bathroom stalls. It's like that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. You didn't? Did you know that you were conscious? Bethenny's trying to decide whether she wants an epidural and she concludes that she does because she doesn't want to be a screaming wreck. Good choice. My sister told me she was glad she had an epidural because then she was able to concentrate on and enjoy the experience of giving birth. Me? I'm just terrified of pain. If I could get the epidural right when I become pregnant, that would be ideal. She gets the epidural and is on cloud nine. She wonders why anyone would choose not to.

I'm not sure insurance will cover spousal bed breakage.

Jason is also very relieved since now he doesn't have to watch her suffer. She also announces that she pooped, so she's ready to get some sleep. But everyone EXCEPT Bethenny sleeps. Julie is asleep in the room as well as Jason, while Bethenny is wide awake.

At 25 hours Bethenny is in a different hospital gown and tells us that the doctors have determined that she is too narrow and will have to have a C section.

All those contractions for naught.

We see her in the surgical shower cap ready to be wheeled in and Jason is putting on some sort of surgical jumpsuit. Then we fade into this shot:

Awww, little Bryn has arrived! I was expecting more of the birth, but of course we can't see the surgery and I guess we'll get some baby action next week. Including introducing Cookie to the baby and watching everyone BUT the baby's parents taking care of the baby. Yes, I'm exaggerating, but Bethenny's got a lot more help than most people, so I'm curious as to how hard she'll tell us it is and how much credit she'll take.

Okay mommies and mommies-to-be! What did you think about Bethenny's 25 hours of labor? Am I totally off base thinking that she really didn't have to do much herself here? How much help did you guys get??

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

1 comment:

Laura said...

I thought this episode was pretty entertaining. And yes, only wealthy New Yorkers have baby nurses. haha. I don't know how that works with nursing (cuz I know Bethenney breastfed) but anyway... =) If your water breaks there's no need to rush to the hospital because it just means that labor will start soon, not that you're necessarily IN labor. So you pretty much just have to make it there some time that day, so they can essentially start you on pitocin if you don't start contracting on your own. Another reason I don't want to be induced. You lay around in pain for 25 hours, then they come and tell you it's time for a c-section. What a waste. No thank you. Epidurals are MAGIC though. 5 more weeks until I get my dose again. Ahhhhhh the bliss of feeling absolutely NOTHING.