Saturday, July 31, 2010

Jersey Shore: Miami Beach, Same Diff

Move over, Kourtney and Khloe!

Well, they’re back. Those crazy kids who raped the Jersey Shore last summa are at it again - this time in Miami. This show became SUCH a hit, SUCH a phenomenon that this time we’re not just dealing with a bunch of anonymous reprobates... we’re now dealing with “celebrity” reprobates. How will their newfound fame alter the constructs of this experiment? Will The Situation finally get some play? Will Snooki be able to snag a man - for the evening or for life? Will more than seven or eight people show up to watch Pauly D DJ? Let’s find out, shall we?

Well the opening credits are exactly the same - same sound bytes, same footage, everything. Check. It appears to be deep winter and we quickly visit each of our house mates in their respective hometowns in the tri-state area complaining about being too cold to go tanning or hook up with anyone, so they’re ready to head to South Beach (Miami) to live it up. Pauly D and The Situation (typing that out is going to get old fast) have decided to take a road trip down to their new party spot.

Snooki introduces us to her “amazing gorilla juice head,” boyfriend named Emilio. She’s offering him some meatballs and he asks her, “How many balls do you want?” and she says, “Two. In my face.” Oh that is both clever and classy. Welcome back, Snooki!

"Party's heeeeeeeeeeeere!!!"

She tells us that she and Emilio have been together for two and a half months, which is probably a record for both of them. She says she really, really, really doesn’t want to cheat on him, but if someone puts a bottle of SoCo in her face, you just never know what might happen. Best wishes, Emilio. Hope it was fun while it lasted. I just learned from Snooki that Obama has placed a 10% tax on tanning. A tax on tanning? Snooki theorizes that this tax was aimed specifically at her and the other JS kids and I have to say that’s highly possible. There’s no telling how many people they’ve embarrassed. Also, I have to wonder how I didn’t know this. I’ve been known to tan on occasion. Notice I said “tan,” not “orange.” Anyway, now she just spray tans. Or rather, Emilio spray tans her. I wonder if he realizes what kind of star he’s hitched his wagon to.

"I think this time I got the right mixture of 'mocha' and 'tangerine.'"

Pauly D has fetched The Sitch and Snooki is picking up J-Woww (no longer with skunk hair) to do a parallel road trip of their own.

"Want my boyfriend to spray tan you before we go?"

Meanwhile we catch up with Sammi, who is flaunting her single status with some girlfriends. She frets about how weird it’s going to be living with Ronnie while not dating him. I predict that it will be exactly the same since their relationship consisted solely of them tormenting each other. And speaking of Ronnie, his friends are taunting him as he prepares to leave about not ruining Miami with a girlfriend the way he ruined the Jersey Shore.

"Ha ha, I would NEVA! Oh wait..."

Aw, over to Vinny, who is of course sitting around with 500 family members eating a feast prepared by his mother. He tells us that this time around he’s going to get with more girls - a lofty goal. He says that his uncles want him to “just bang everything,” but he would like to hold out for higher quality girls. Yes, they seemed to be abundant around the shore, so Miami should be just as good, right?

I'm sure THIS uncle of Vinny's bangs hotties by the minute.

As the various road trips commence, the Sitch mentions that he’s been in touch with Angelina, who has realized the gold mine she walked out on last season and wants a second chance at notoriety. Pauly D confesses that he ran into Angelina at a club in LA and they hooked up, surprise, surprise.

"She cut her finger on my hair, though, so that was that."

And speaking of the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island (in her dreams), here is Angelina embarking on a road trip of her own... to the waxing salon. She tells us that everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone meaning just her, I’m sure. She somehow doesn’t strike me as a mountain of forgiveness. But after getting her crotch waxed she tells us that the boys invited her to come to Miami, so she’s gonna.

Pauly D and the Sitch stop off in North Carolina where airborne fireworks are legal and they practically clean out a firework stand. This is SUCH a guy thing to do. Mr. Honey Gangsta would be ALL over it. They head to a cornfield for their pyrotechnics where their SUV immediately gets stuck in mud. All four wheels - buried. Pauly D doesn’t sweat it ‘cause he’s an AAA gold member, but it takes the tow truck a while to get there, so in the meantime - fireworks! And when the truck does arrive, it quickly becomes stuck as well. Pauly D shows us his shoes, which are definitely not fresh to death.

"I can't beat up the beat in these!"

A second AAA truck has to come to get the first two vehicles unstuck and then the guys can continue on their way.

Square dance music starts to play and we join J-Woww and Snooki in Savannah, Georgia where they are stopping at a deserted bar for a refresher. Snooki is wearing a black cowboy hat that has “Snooki” bedazzled on it - I wish I were kidding.

"What do you mean this isn't what cowgirls wear?"

She discovers fried pickles here in the South, which sound weird, but are totally delish, and then a seemingly sweet young southern gentlemen brings them over some shots and makes polite conversation. Since these two are used to guys who call them the c-word and punch them in the face, they are totally bored with this guy who obviously has no game, no tan and no steroids. They dare him to fist pump for them, which they mock excessively, just like I mock how Ronnie dances and how the rest of the gang beats up the beat. Southern dude, move along. You’ll thank me later.

The remaining roomies are flying down to Florida, including Angelina who boards a plane in denim panties and come-and-get-it heels. Isn’t it winter up north?

The shoulder bag contains her outfits. The huge bag contains her hairspray and heels.

The Sitch and Pauly D arrive at the new house first, which starts off looking much classier than the shore house, but I’m sure our gang will take care of that quickly. There are TWO hot tubs on the patio, so simultaneous orgies should be no problem. Angelina arrives next, which Pauly D and the Sitch aren’t thrilled about, but handle with civility. She wants to share their bedroom since they’re the only ones she’s confident don’t hate her. They’re not too happy about it, but what can they do? She reminds them that they’ve both already made out with her.

And here’s Sammi! She looks a bit slimmer - perhaps break-up weight loss? Angelina hugs her and Sammi’s totally taken off guard. Angelina asks Sammi if they’re cool, but Sammi says she doesn’t know because she heard that Angelina has talked a lot of crap. Sitch is excited that there may be a cat fight. As Sammi explores the house we are treated to a lovely piece of art on the hallway wall.

They must have bid for this at Sotheby's.

I’m thinking that adage will apply much earlier for these people, like 7 or 8 PM. Also all over the globe, not just in Miami. Sammi frets and frets about seeing Ronnie again. Oh relax Sammi. It won’t be any different.

Vinny’s here! He’s not happy to discover his fellow Staten Islander Angelina sponging off the group’s fame. And finally Ronnie arrives, so Sammi starts petting her hair maniacally. He tells us of his plans to hook up with every girl in sight. He hugs Sammi, who immediately puts on her “wounded animal” expression. She shyly teases him and it’s pretty awkward.

At last J-Woww and Snooki arrive, J-Woww looking like she’s about to dance the Waltz of the Flowers in a porno Nutcracker and Snooki with her bronzer dripping off of her face.

Ready to be de-flowered.

They both totally ignore Angelina and giggle with Sammi about roomming together. Angelina announces that they’re being very immature. Oh, just give them a second chance, Angelina. Everyone deserves a second chance, remember? She’s already outside going off on everyone to the Sitch. Time for Ron-Ron juice!

The boys test out one of the hot tubs while Snooki and Sammi try to hear the ocean in some seashells. Their wide-eyed expectant faces are pretty amusing. J-Woww is unpacking her clothes when a top shelf gets overloaded with barely-there outfits and comes crashing down, sending her plastic cup of Ron-Ron juice all over Sammi’s wardrobe.

Any given shelf can only hold so much skank.

Sammi is promptly very concerned about her favorite white booty shorts so they go into the kitchen sink at once. Snooki turns on the tap and complains about feeling like a “pilgrim from the 20’s.” Nice simile, Snook. Unless you mean the 1620’s you’re totally off. I don’t see what the big problem is. Won’t the boys be doing GTL in the morning? Grab the Spray n Wash and send the booty shorts with them tomorrow. Done. But Sammi would rather whine.

And right away there’s something else to whine about. Angelina joins the boys in the hot tob and Sammi immediately assumes that Angelina is gunning for Ronnie. She makes all kinds of threats to the camera but stays safely hidden in the kitchen. Well, let’s not waste any time, there are clubs to creep! Cabs are ordered and tiny outfits are donned. Hair is poofed and sprayed into oblivion. In the girls’ cab Sammi slumps right into a pout because she’s so weirded out by being near Ronnie again. As J-Woww and Snooki try to talk to her, Angelina jumps in and says that it’s funny they should be talking about guys since they gave her so much crap about leaving last season to be with her (married) boyfriend. Uh, as I recall, no one cared about your married boyfriend, your refusal to work at the t-shirt store, or your premature exit, drama queen. These girls just don’t like the fact that you’ve said mean things about them. They each tell her as much, with J-Woww offering to take it outside and settle it physically right now.

But Angelina isn't about to disturb her fake eyelashes.

Angelina is appalled, saying she’s trying to be classy right now. Much classy screaming ensues. We flash for a second to the boys’ cab, which is completely silent. LOL. Sammi wants out of the girls’ cab and J-Woww and Snooki go with her, but so does Angelina. I guess we’ve arrived at the club.

Angelina lurks around the guys and Ronnie gets drunk enough to start dancing, which is so hilarious to me.

...someone has called 911 to report an epileptic seizure.

Sammi sees this as a perfect opportunity for a trip down memory lane. Aka, a huge fight. She tells Ronnie she’s hurt and she’s been through enough. Ronnie’s like, “I’ve been through way more, you have no idea.” Back and forth, who got hurt the worst? Ronnie, Sammi and their psychological warfare. Suddenly it’s time to leave. In the cab Ronnie calls Sammi the c-word. Oooh, not cool. Then Ronnie and Vinny get back out of the cab to resume clubbing while the girls head home.

The next club finds Ronnie drunker than ever and ready to creep. He’s all up on some skanky ho’s. The Sitch explains: Ronnie is hooking up with “grenades,” which are larger ugly girls, and “land mines,” which are thinner ugly girls. At this point he’s just out for blood. Angelina observes everything, saving up all the dirt for a future date when she can blackmail one or all of her roommates with it.

At home J-Woww is talking about how she’s going to kick the crap out of Angelina and Sammi is whining to Snooki about Ronnie some more. Sammi tells us she’s still in love with him and it’s hard. Boo hoo. Ronnie’s swapping alcohol-drenched saliva with two lovely young ladies at once. Wah, wah, wah Sammi.

Getting drunker (and tanner) by osmosis.

This season on Jersey Shore! It’s a continuation of last season! Ronnie and Sammi (continue their) fight, Snooki and Angelina cat fight, Sammi and J-Woww cat fight, the Sitch brings home multiple “grenades,” and Snooki’s hair gets higher and higher. Same shit, different shore. Woohoo!

What do you think? Are you excited for Season 2?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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