Sunday, August 15, 2010

Jersey Shore: MVP in the MIA

When Vinny pulls out the pink, look out!

Let’s head back to Miami to play with our favorite guidos! It’s another staggering episode of Jersey Shore!

So where did we leave off? Oh yes, Angelina is tormenting Sitchy D because she would really appreciate it if Pauly D would remember that they once exchanged bodily fluids and it had a special meaning. Pauly D is of course totally over it and over Angelina, and after getting smacked in the face, he’s over being nice to her as well. He dares her to smack him again, but she’s so wasted she ends up just kind of jabbing him in the face. Let’s be honest, the first smack wasn’t even really a smack - it was more like an open palm push, but her intentions are pretty clear. While the three of them are out at the grill screaming at each other Jwoww is awakened from her post-party slumber and emerges to see what is going on.

"What's out there? Is it a dingo?"

Through the bushes she asks what’s happening and Pauly D yells that Angelina needs to leave the house. Jwoww tells us that Pauly D is the “nicest kid” so she’s very surprised to see him this upset. Sitch tattles to Jwoww that Angelina smacked Pauly three times, which Angelina promptly denies. Loves it. You’ve just been FILMED hitting someone and you stand there straight-faced saying you didn’t. In her (tiny) defense, however, she’s completely trashed. Pauly D is super irate that Angelina is up in his creepin business and Sitch is substantially annoyed that they paid for all of her drinks this evening, ha ha ha.

"Those Stoli shots didn't buy themselves, ya know!"

Jwoww is still keeping to her promise to beat Angelina’s ass when she sobers up, so she’s pretty much on the outs all the way around.

The next morning Vinny, Ronnie and Jwoww head off to work the first shift at the gelato shop. Jwoww is put out that she has to wear a t-shirt that covers her boobs. She thinks they can’t breathe unless they are mostly exposed. Mine must have asphyxiated years ago as I wear bras daily.

Maybe her earrings can fan some air down her cleavage.

Enzo teaches the gang how to scoop gelato, pour milk, wipe tables and chop fruit to go in the blender. And he’s very particular about the size and shape of the chunks going into the blender. I’ve been experimenting with smoothies lately and I’m no gelato shop owner in Miami, but I’m pretty sure they all wind up as pulp in the end. Enzo takes a special liking to Vinny and calls him Vicenzo (prounounced Vi-CHEN-zo) and they agree to speak Italian to each other. I hope Vinny doesn’t come down with pink eye again and destroy this beautiful relationship.

Back home Angelina is getting the major cold shoulder. Naturally she claims not to remember anything, likely story. Sitch tells her she was even worse than Ronnie was on their first night. Upon “learning” that she smacked Pauly D, she takes him into a bedroom and bursts into tears, saying she’s not comfortable here and that’s why she drank a lot. What can she do? Yeah, I don’t buy it. Maybe she’s a little hazy, but totally blacking out is questionable. She would have had a hard time standing upright if she was at blackout capacity. Let alone speaking clearly or actually making contact between her hand and Pauly D’s face. Pauly D tells her thanks for the apology, but she’s on her own from here on out.

"You're not getting another piece of this, neither."

They discuss what each of them is here to do and conclude that they both just want to “have fun.” Pauly D goes, “Unfortunately your fun conflicts with our fun.” Awww, not enough fun to go around I suppose. Well, not when Angelina’s definition of fun is cockblocking and Sitchy D’s definition is cashing in on their newfound glory. Pauly D uses one of his favorite phrases and tells Angelina to “do you.” He would like to leave it at that, but Angelina asks if she can have a “get out of jail free card” since she was drunk. Pauly D’s not having it. He thanks her for her apology but he’s clearly not ready to be buddies.

Later Vicenzo is becoming very worried about his hair. He tells us he has very thick Sicilian hair and so all he can do with it is get a tape up and a fade. I’m assuming he means getting it cut really short and tapered from the top down. I’m not sure because I have very fine Scandinavian hair - probably totes opposite of Vicenzo the Sicilian. I use volumizer and root booster, which maybe Pauly D would know about, but not Vinny. Anyway, Vicenzo says that going without a proper haircut would be like the other guys going without hair gel. He starts making calls to find a suitable barber shop. When he finds one Ronnie goes with him and Vinny tells us that they go to the hood because if a barber can handle a black person’s hair, then he can probably handle Vicenzo’s. I don’t appreciate the racist undertones of Vinny assuming that black people live in the hood. Ha ha. As they stroll along, Ronnie says that “they” are letting the pigeons go right now.

"There they go! They saw us!"

That is awesome. I was JUST watching Training Day and when Denzel Washington entered a particular neighborhood, the residents let off a swarm of pigeons as the signal that he was in the area. I love that Ronnie alluded to something. Very amusing. They arrive at Platinum Boyz Barber Shop (I swear) to see if the barbers here are up to the Sicilian Challenge. Both guys are nervous that they may not get an ideal haircut and very tense music plays as we flash quickly back and forth between their worried faces.

Because hair this length doesn't grow back in matter of days or anything.

Turns out, there was nothing to fear! The hallelujah chorus plays as both Ronnie and Vicenzo rejoice in their new hairdos. Vinny shows us his fade, saying, “They know how to do it in the hood!” Yay integration!

When Ronnie arrives home he shows Sammi his haircut, asks for a kiss and says he missed her all day. I guess they’re on for the moment. Sammi tells us she thinks that they’re single right now, but working on things and that Ronnie is really trying. Oh just wait.

"Wait, your eyelashes are coming off."

Sitch visits Angelina who is pouting in her bed (a trick she must have learned from Sammi) and he asks her if she’s okay. Sitch DOES seem like he has a soft spot, even if overall he comes across as completely clueless. He doesn’t want to see his friends hurting. He goes to the patio to talk to the other roommates and implore them to take in Angelina because she can’t spend this entire season doing GTL with the guys then ruining their game at night. He says they should forget the past and go forward. Jwoww says she just wants Angelina to admit that she talked crap about them and then she can move on. Sammi and Snooki just sit there blinking. Sitch goes back inside and invites Angelina to come out with all of them tonight, much to her surprise. She accepts and out comes the hairspray. Snooki gets all done up in what Vicenzo describes as “old Snook look” with a super tight leopard print dress and a super high poof of hair right above her forehead.

Still fitting like a really tight glove, Snooks.

Vicenzo is entranced and tells Snooki she looks hot and takes his breath away. Snooki asks if Vinny is trying to smoosh, but then tells him he looks hot too. In his pink button down. We flash to Pauly D shrugging his shoulders and saying, “Who knows?”

Out at the club Vicenzo is fixated on something else, and that something else is Jwoww’s rack. He tells us that her boobs defy gravity and that Albert Einstein should come back to rewrite his laws of physics based on Jwoww’s chest. It’s called silicone, Vinny. Don’t they have that in Sicily?

Her shirt isn't defying gravity either. It's called double-stick tape.

Meanwhile Snooki takes pity on Angelina because she remembers what it was like last season when she got off on the wrong foot with everyone. She takes Angelina aside and tells her that if she’ll just admit that she talked s*** then everyone will bring her in.

Your hair is really flat.

For once Angelina is receptive and admits immediately to Snooki that she said stuff about her. Snooki is actually totally cute about it, screams “Thank you!” and praises her for being honest. They hug it out. To us, Angelina says she was being the bigger person. Pshhh. You were backed into a corner, liar. Jwoww is next to hear Angelina’s admission and she’s sweet about it too. I DO like Jwoww more and more. She’s very entertaining and seems like a loyal friend. I am also really liking her new and improved non-skunk look.

Out on the dance floor, Vicenzo looks like he’s doing a square dance, but I’m sure that if we could hear the house music it would look much more like “beating up the beat” or “battling.” As it is, though, it just looks humorous.

Son of a gun we'll have big fun on the bayou!

And it looks like we have to pay attention to Sammi and Ronnie for a minute, crap. She tells us that they were having a fantastic night out until she looked over and noticed that Ronnie was wasted, which she doesn’t appreciate. Get used to disappointment, Sammi. It’s the Season 2 Ronnie. And he’s joining Vicenzo’s hillbilly hoe down. He tries to give Sammi a gyrating lap dance, but she’s not impressed. She’s even got her sunglasses on so we won’t know that it’s her getting the lap dance. Who’s fooled? Besides me, I mean.

Of all the things she's done on camera, this is where she draws the line?

Ronnie starts whining that Sammi is being a party pooper and she might as well go home and here we go again. Sammi’s like, “Fine, I’ll go!” she storms off and Ronnie turns his attention to the other young ladies in the club. She tells us she and Ronnie are through... again.

The girls go home with Sammi, where she tearily retires to her pouting corner. Oh wait, Snooki is still at the club and she’s watching Ronnie get his creep on. She asks Ronnie if he’s sure he wants to be acting like this and that he should have a line he doesn’t cross. Ronnie’s just like, “Whateva,” and goes back to the ho’s. Snooki asks Pauly D if she should tell Sammi and like a typical guy he just shrugs. Guys usually just want to stay out of stuff and girls are the opposite (in my experience). It’s funny that they are seeing the exact same thing, one thinks it’s none of his concern and the other thinks she owes it to her friend to fill her in.

"I do not like green eggs and ham."

Then Snooki makes the mistake of trying to reason with Drunk Ronnie and he pushes her away, so the guys grab him and tell him it’s time to go home.

At home Ronnie is stumbling around again, bragging about how successful he was with the ladies He even triumphantly pulls out a phone number he received: 786-985. Hmm, someone gave him a fake number. Most phone numbers have seven digits, but what does that matter to Ronnie right now? He falls down and then goes to sleep with Sammi again. She lets him. Sitch tells us that Sammi must have an idea of what’s going on but doesn’t want to believe it. Kind of like letting go of the tooth fairy.

"If you promise to leave two quarters and a candy bar under my pillow."

Elsewhere Vicenzo has passed out on the big round cushion chair next to the phone, which is getting in the way of Snooki drunk dialing her boyfriend and hicupping in his ear. Emilio picks up and tells her it’s six in the morning and she just keeps saying, “‘N I gotha hiccups,” while reaching over and grabbing Vinny, who thinks this is hilarious. Snooki screams into the phone when she accidentally knocks over the phone table and while Emilio is still talking on the other end she hangs up on him. Vinny gets up to go to bed and he tells Snooki to come sleep with him for companionship (for his privates). She asks him if he wants to do it with her and he says sure, but he’s barely conscious.

When he wakes up later he is horrified to discover Snooki in bed with him and wonders if they smooshed. It doesn’t look like it - Snooki’s still in her leopard print and poof. But that doesn’t stop the roommies from giving him crap. The other news around the house is that Ronnie and Sammi are in bed together and how ridiculous those two are. Jwoww is now on the Snooki bandwagon, wondering if they need to fill Sammi in on what Ronnie does after she leaves the clubs. She calls him a true pig. Word. Sammi’s an idiot, though, for letting him into bed. The disastrous duo has to work a shift together at the gelato shop today. Ronnie helps Sammi tell the difference between passionfruit and mango and then hugs her and calls her his girlfriend. Sammi rejoices. Whatevs. Let’s move on.

At home everyone is discussing their options for the evening’s activities. The girls are wanting to go play pool somewhere but the guys are wanting to go to a club to creep. Pauly D gets totally wound up and excited when he puts on his red shoes, telling us this is how we know it’s serious. If I saw a guy in red shoes the last word that would come to my mind is “serious.”

Souvenirs from clown school?

They’re all in their “shirts before the shirt” and dub tonight an MVP night. Get it? Mike, Vicenzo, Pauly. Another guido-ism.

Checkin out the MVP. This must be the mirror-cam.

Vinny explains that they are the most valuable players in the MIA (Miami) supporting the GFF (grenade free foundation - what’s up with all of their foundations? Are they raising money here?). Angelina comes in and wants to participate in MVP night, which makes all of they guys groan. They tell her not to come and she thinks they’re messing with her and being funny. She is so clueless. She’s determined to come with them, so the second she looks away MVP tear out the door and into a cab without her. Mission accomplished! We get a shot of Angelina sitting at the pool place with the girls holding a pool cue and there are crickets chirping in the background. Ha ha ha!!!

Least valuable player.

Turns out it’s not such a good night for hotties at b.e.d. where the guys are hanging out. We are told, in fact, that there are grenades everywhere. Just as Vicenzo and Pauly D determine that they’ve never in their lives seen a club this badly stocked, they notice Sitch across the room trying to talk some girls into coming home with them.


Vinny says that even though they are in the Bronx Zoo Sitchy D are going to find whomever they can get to come back to the house, saying they would take home a stray dog if there were no girls left. This is how my sister is with shopping. I can do a quick once-over in a store and conclude that there’s nothing for me today, but my sister will sift through every single rack and round up the least ugly items to try on before leaving the store empty handed. Exactly how Sitchy D is with women. As Ronnie said last season, “I’m sure they’ll scrape something off the boardwalk to bring home.”

They manage to get a herd back to the house, out onto the patio and into the hot tub. Sitch tells us that at one point he remembers splashing water in his face and then noticing, “We’ve got grenades, man!” HA! Like this is the first time he’s actually seeing who they brought home.

"This? After all of my reconnaissance?"

Pauly D either still hasn’t noticed or doesn’t care because he is all entwined with his grenade, or as Sitch says, “One of the hyenas hypnotized him.”

Serenity now.

Then one of the girls sees a boob cutlet floating in the hot tub and no one knows what it is. Oh come on. The girls totally know what it is, but no one is fessing up. The guys play catch with it and Pauly D offers to grill it up. Sitch says after that they had to get rid of the girls, so they seriously hand them all towels and push them out the door. Thanks for playing!

Snooki and The Situation pull a shift at the gelato shop and there is a big problem. Snooki can’t see over the counter. For reals. She can’t see the customers and she can’t reach the gelato. Enzo brings her out a stool and schools her for an extended period of time on the art of scooping. Sitch decides that business is slow so he’s going to stand out in front of the shop shirtless and round up some customers. Ew. We get a montage of him standing there half naked trying to entice people to come have a gelato and no one is paying any attention to him. Awwwww, too bad.

"Anyone want to see more? Anyone?"

Snooki says he looks like a freaking dirty old man standing outside of an ice cream shop without his shirt on. When it gets dark and there are still no customers, Sitch and Snooki go outside to look at a huge dog statue. Sitch asks Snooki if she wants to “ride the camel” and lifts her onto it. She says it hurts her vagina but she likes it. All righty then.

That night is another going out dilemma. The boys are going clubbing and Jwoww and Snooki are going out to eat. Sammi and Ronnie are content to lie in bed until Ronnie hears everyone’s plans and tells Sammi that if she wants to go with the girls he’ll totally go with the guys. Sammi is horrified, but tells him to do whatever he wants to do - girl code for “don’t you f-ing dare.” Ronnie doesn’t catch on and jumps up to go with the guys. Sammi can’t believe his nerve and is very angry and upset. Ronnie has no clue what he wants. Yesterday he was calling her his girlfriend, but tonight he tells us that he’s here in Miami to have a good time and go out. They’re both completely psychotic. He kisses Sammi goodbye on his way out to go kiss whatever else comes along.

Like this, for instance.

Snooki invites Sammi to go with them but Sammi would rather hold still and pout. Why doesn’t she just go with the girls? At least to distract herself? She is the queen of self torture. Over dinner Snooki and Jwoww discuss what a jerk Ronnie is being and whether they should tell Sammi. I love how Jwoww puts it: “It’s not a good look for him. It’s not a good look for US.” I like that they want to stick up for Sammi, even though she sucks. They figure she’ll find out anyway, so maybe they have a responsibility to tell her.

And next week they do! Via an anonymous typed note. Ha ha! Who is she going to think wrote it, for crying out loud? I can’t wait to find out!

So what do you think? What’s up with the guys STILL not being able to snag any hot girls?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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