Sunday, August 22, 2010

Jersey Shore: Stormclouds Gather

Standoff of the orange tans.

Welcome back, beloved readers! According to the recaps of what we’ve previously seen on Jersey Shore, it looks like this is going to be a Ronnie/Sammi centered episode. Get ready for some serious déjà vu, some clip-in extensions, and some steroid-fueled mood swings. Can you handle it? We shall see!

We begin with more footage of Ronnie getting with ho’s out at the local Miami social establishments. He’s wearing a gleaming white baseball cap perched sideways way up above his forehead, so I’m thinking what woman could possibly resist? Sitch goes between looking on with a “tsk, tsk” expression and informing Ronnie with guido sign language that he is, indeed, in the IFF. To us he says that Sam is getting punk’d. Oooh, MTV cross-promotion.

"Yo, let me borrow your hat for a while. It's a slow night."

Snooki and Jwoww are on their way home from an innocent outing to a tapas bar when they notice a store that sells only white clothing. Snooki is charmed as this seems very “Miami,” but wonders what a girl is to do when she gets her period and ruins her white clothing. But on to more important matters! She needs to get home and call Emilio, with whom she hasn’t spoken in a couple of days. When he picks up he’s obviously out enjoying a social life of his own and can’t hear her over the noise of whatever club he’s in. Snooki’s like, “Ew, what are you doing?” She implores him to go outside where he can hear her, but he screams at her that he doesn’t have to, there are half-naked girls everywhere, and he’s out... peace. Uh oh. Looks like there’s trouble in gorilla juicehead paradise. Snooki slams down the phone screaming in exasperation then walks away mumbling about Emilio catching an STD. To us she says that guys are all douchebags who don’t know how to deal with women and that this particular phenomenon explains the rising rate of lesbians in this country.

"Because with girls there's no emotional baggage. It's way easier."

HA! That’s awesome. One of my good friends one time got so fed up with dealing with guys that she asked me if I thought there were camps that existed to deprogram you from being heterosexual. Snooki? What do you think?

Snooki storms to her bedroom where Sammi is still pouting and tells her what happened with Emilio. Sammi’s like, “Yeah that sucks. Do you think Ronnie is totally effing with me?” Thanks for your support there, Sammi. She tries to pump Snooki and Jwoww for information about Ronnie but they are still keeping their mouths shut. They advise her to stay single, but won’t rat out Ronnie. Sammi keeps saying that she would be upset if they knew anything and didn’t tell her. They just keep blinking and looking at their feet.

This is going to be the topic of the entire episode. The question before the house is: Do we tell Sammi what we know, or do we stay out of it? I know that there were lots of approaches and opinions discussed in the comments about how to handle a situation like this, but Snooki and Jwoww are quite tormented. Too bad they couldn’t have logged on back when this was being taped and gotten some advice. So anyway they’re stewing out on the patio about what to do and Sammi marches out furious that it’s four in the morning and Ronnie told her he’d only be gone for an hour. She wants the girls to find out for her what happened but they’re still pretty evasive. Sammi’s only recourse is to march back inside and write on the chalkboard “Never fall in love in Miami.” Oh Sammi, that’ll teach him. Good thinking.

Meanwhile the phone rings and who would it be but Snooki’s loving boyfriend Emilio, of course calling to apologize to her for hanging up on her earlier, right? Wrong. Here is what he called to tell her:

He insists that he’s just trying to be honest with her and when Snooki gets riled up enough to yell at him to never call him again, he bursts out laughing, says he’s just kidding and that it’s all a joke. Snooki screams at him that she hopes he dies and he should never joke about that - all in much more colorful language, naturally. Jwoww and Sammi witness the whole thing and they are both scandalized. Seriously, what kind of thing is that to say to your girlfriend? Is he completely insane? The phone rings again and Jwoww picks it up and immediately says that she will call the cops or take the next flight to New York - but she’s cut off by Emilio asking “Is this voice mail?” This cracks Jwoww up and she hangs up. But don’t worry he calls right back, and this time she at first pretends to be an answering machine, but then gives the following speech:

“Let me explain something to you because we have about 20 f-ing beautiful six-foot-four guys outside our door. So while you’re f-ing the nasty bitches out there, I’m sure Nicole’s gonna get it in down here. All right? So at the end of the day you’re just a loser as it is, and you’re just a drunk skank with no job. So get it through your f-ing head, all right?” CLICK.

And she may just write on the chalkboard next!

Snooki’s like, “ooh, that was mean... but he deserved it.” That was pretty awesome. Soooo... Emilio doesn’t have a job? That might be the funniest part of all of this. He thought he’d hitch a ride on the Jersey Shore Express, but it backfired when he got drunk. To prove that she’s done with Emilio, Snooki picks up some of the flatware and shatters it all over the patio. Sammi joins her to get out some of her pent-up rage as well.

When the guys roll in empty-handed from their night on the prowl, they sense drama due to the broken plates on the patio. Good radar, guys. Snooki comes padding out in her slippers to tell them what happened with Emilio and Sammi’s ears prick up at the sound of Ronnie’s voice. She’s been waiting to pounce. When Ronnie doesn’t come to her she goes to him to get the age-old argument started. She didn’t go out so she could be with him, he doesn’t care, blah, blah, blah. Ronnie tells the camera that he’s pretty much over it and at this point it’s beating a dead horse. What Ronnie? I’m sorry, you totally just lost me there with your metaphor. Oh wait, he clarifies, “And if a horse is dead you gotta leave it alone.” OH! THAT’S what that saying means! I’ve often wondered. I’m so glad Ronnie was here to explain things to me.

"But sometimes it's a challenge to ride a dead horse, so there's that..."

Sammi tells him that she was testing him earlier when she said it was okay if he wanted to go out with the guys. Back to the camera Ronnie says, “I don’t like tests. That’s why I didn’t go to college.” LOL. It’s okay, Sammi. Keep fighting for that prize of a guido! Their fight continues as per usual, ending with Sammi swearing that - once again - it’s all over.

The next day our four guidettes head out to get some sushi. I’m pleasantly surprised to see that Sammi is joining in instead of spending another day pouting on her bed. But of course the entire conversation revolves around Sammi wanting to know if the other girls have seen Ronnie misbehaving and all of them looking at the ceiling and over their shoulders. Jwoww says sometimes she’s allergic to pecans. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Back at the house Sitch is once again attempting to prepare a house dinner. He says he wants to try again since Snooki sabotaged the last house dinner (you know, by opening the fridge). He takes a lid off of one of his stovetop pots and the entire thing falls off and crashes to the ground. And I don’t think Snooki is anywhere in the vicinity.

Not just the results of another night of partying.

Turns out it was the beginning of Pauly D’s homemade tomato sauce and now they will be reduced to using sauce from a jar. Awwww. Then Sitch goes to take something out of the refrigerator and a whole bunch of stuff falls out on him. Again, no Snooki. Somehow dinner eventually makes it onto the table and we have our first family meal. Sitch starts talking about Klutch, the club they went to last night, and Angelina pipes up, going, “The funniest part was when Ronnie was dancing with that blonde girl and...” complete silence.

"He'd neva do that to me."

Ronnie is frantically making the “cut it out” sign while Sammi looks around with a furrowed brow. Awkward!

"Could we just flag this whole scene, guys?"

After dinner they all decide to play “a bowl of questions” as Snooki calls it. Remember when they used to do this on the old school Real World? Such a set-up. I really can’t see this bunch coming up with this activity on their own. Unless it was set up as a drinking game. Even then, I doubt it. The girls, however, put their own Jersey spin on things by deciding that this would be the perfect time to dress up in lingerie. Angelina comes out in some tiny shiny black thing and Pauly D says it looks like a trash bag, like she’s dressed up in her luggage from last year!

With heavy duty drawstrings.

Vinny goes, “I think Victoria should have kept this one a secret.” Sexy fail for Angelina. Anyway the questions are like which two roommates would you have a threesome with? Sammi gets one that asks which guy in the house would take a dump on her chest? Oh my gosh, that is so wrong.

"There must have been cameras in the guest room last night!"

Then OF COURSE Angelina gets: Have you ever cheated on your boyfriend or girlfriend? Who saw that coming? Ronnie goes, “No. Well yeah. Everyone’s cheated before.” And we have another big awkward moment. Okay enough of this.

The guys all sit out on the patio and encourage Ronnie to keep doing what he’s doing and have a good time, but do it as a single man. He agrees, but then goes in and asks Sammi if she wants to come to bed with him. He SUCKS. She sits there on the couch with his head in her lap. Way to stay strong, Sammi.

The next day the guys do GTL and the girls try to pick a place to have dinner. No Sammi this time. I guess she’s back to pouting. The three other girls go over each of Ronnie’s transgressions and conclude that Sammi needs to know, but they’re going to tell her via an anonymous note. An intrigue! How exciting. Angelina tells us that she thinks Sam should know, but that even if she knows she’ll still go back to Ronnie, so whatever. That’s completely true. Then on the way home Angelina farts all over the other girls just in case anyone still thought she had a modicum of sexiness left.

It looks like tonight will be a roommate night out including everyone, so Ronnie is at the blender whipping up some pre-party Ron-Ron juice. Apparently he fumbles on the subtle balance of flavoring and spirits tonight because Jwoww almost gags on it, and everyone is telling him it’s way too strong.

And these people have never met a drink they didn't like.

Ronnie says no it’s not too strong and offers to chug an entire red plastic cup, at which the guys start asking who will be babysitting Ronnie tonight. Sammi is on high alert - she’s ready to see what goes on when she and Ronnie are “not together.” Time to hit the clubs!

For some reason Vinny is dressed up like Mr. Rogers for tonight’s dance party.

"Howdy, neighbor. Care for a square dance?"

Sammi starts pouting and Ronnie pulls her aside to argue, telling her to go have fun with her girls. Sammi keeps repeating, “Really?” I thought they broke up yesterday, but I guess this is par for the course with these two. They are always together AND broken up. Sammi ends the conversation with, “You will never find someone like me!” And I remember Snooki saying something along those lines to Emilio as well. Sorry ladies, but I’m afraid all these guys have to do is go to a club to find plenty of other girls JUST like you. Sammi tells us that in her head she wants to move on, but in her heart she doesn’t. The girls take her outside and try to comfort her, telling her they’re tired of seeing her like this. Close your eyes then, girls because this IS Sammi.

The guys decide it’s time to migrate to b.e.d. Oh, everyone but Ronnie, that is. So Sammi runs back toward the club to tell Ronnie where they’re going. Jwoww is starting to lose patience and tells Sammi she needs to make a decision. Sammi’s like, “I just have to make sure he’s okaaaaaaaay.” Why? He’s a grown man who’s managed to survive without you on many evenings. Anyway, as she reaches the club entrance she spots Ronnie hailing a cab and as she runs up to him to tell him who knows what he calmly gets in the cab, shuts the door and has the driver drive away. He never even looked at Sammi and now she’s standing there in the street like an idiot.


She comes back to Jwoww and Snooki to announce that she’s done. For the four hundredth time today. In the cab Ronnie is quite pleased with himself. Like he won’t be right back up in Sammi’s face within the hour.

"I'm going to try to resuscitate that dead horse."

Over at b.e.d. Sammi actually looks like she’s doing okay because instead of running home to her bed she’s standing on a couch dancing with the girls. Baby steps. Ugh, but then Ronnie arrives and stumbles over to her to slur, “I haytch you soooo much because I loooooove you so muuuuuch!” He’s actually having trouble holding himself up and keeps lurching forward into her lap. Sammi decides it’s time to be Florence Nightingale and assists Ronnie outside so that she can take him home and nurse him back to life. As soon as she gets him to his bed he rips a huge fart. So romantic. He’s totes wasted and starts snoring pretty fast. When Snooki and Jwoww get home Sammi runs over to tell them that she’s going to take care of Ronnie but it DOESN’T mean they’re back together. It DOESN’T! Snooki and Jwoww are over it.

Ronnie somehow wakes up and falls out of bed. Then the vomiting begins. What was that you were saying about the strength of your juice again, Ronnie? So Sammi is right there comforting him while he vomits and then they cuddle on the couch. Ronnie tells her that at the end of the day they still love each other. I’d say at the end of the day they’re still masochistic codependent dysfunctional messes, but I guess that’s just semantics.

For a breath of hopefully fresh air we make a stop at the gelato shop where Vinny and Pauly D are scooping and Snooki is sitting at a desk somewhere observing. The boys are using this opportunity to hit on every single girl that comes through the door, regardless of looks, attitudes, clothing or creeds. Remember for them it’s a numbers game. They’re fishing. A couple of girls tell them they’re in the middle of law school finals, much to Vinny’s dismay.

"I can't believe you know the word 'technically.'"

He says he’s in Miami and he doesn’t want girls studying for finals he wants them studying for (I think he says “dick.”) Yes, careful Vinny. You definitely don’t want to risk hanging out with women who have brain cells. What a disaster that would lead to. Best to keep to the idiot skanks. One girl returns after walking out the door and Pauly D tells her there are no refunds. She says she doesn’t want a refund, she wants to give Pauly D her number.

"Call me if you want to be on my show Millionaire Matchmaker!"

When she leaves again Vinny goes, “Do we have a butterface flavor or what?” Pauly D goes, “She had summer teeth. Some are like this and some are like that.” Prince Charmings numbers 1 and 2, ladies and gentlemen. Get in line.

Okay here we go with Jwoww and Snooki to a cyber cafe to get this “anonymous” note written. FINALLY. They write the note in all caps and detail everything Ronnie has done behind Sammi’s back. Snooki tells us that Sammi will never figure out who it’s from because the note uses the word “breasts” while she and Jwoww always say “tits.” Is the CIA aware of these two and their extensive knowledge of code writing?

"She also doesn't know that we can turn on a computer. She'll never guess."

Sammi has rounded up Angelina to go out to dinner with her and sit through yet another interrogation on Ronnie’s behavior. She once again throws down a gauntlet, saying if anyone has information on Ronnie’s actions and doesn’t tell Sammi, they will never be her friend again. I really think Sammi is of the ilk referred to in the comments that would excommunicate not the cheating boyfriend, but the informant girlfriends. There has been no evidence to the contrary in any of her behavior. What to do? Maybe the anonymous note IS the best option. On the other hand, it may just lead to more endless interrogations. SOMEONE had to write it, so SOMEONE had to know.

Later the guys decide it’s time for yet another GTL excursion. It’s late at night so when they get to the laundromat the place is closed, much to their surprise. Miami must be a very classy town to refuse to have 24 hour laundromats. Maybe they could head back to the hood where Vinny got his haircut to see if there are some nocturnal establishments there.

All the girls arrive home to find only Vinny there and the rest of the guys gone. Sammi repeatedly asks Vinny where Ronnie went and he repeatedly doesn’t know. Jwoww and Snooki tell Angelina that they wrote the letter and to keep mum about knowing anything.

"And not even Sherlock Holmes could figure out it's from us."

Oh my gosh, she’s gonna figure out who wrote it! Like Pauly D sat down and typed out a letter? Come on! Angelina says she doesn’t want to be involved, but Snooki tells her they’re all involved. So we end the episode with Sammi still not getting the letter. Argh.

Next week! Sammi gets the letter - and it better not be in the final 30 seconds of the episode like this week. Also, Sitchy D are up to their old tricks by stashing different sets of girls around the house and trying to get with all of them without the girls figuring it out. I hope none of them went to law school!

So what did y’all think? Did you make it through this Ronnie/Sammi crapfest? What’s going to happen? Will the letter lead to the Jwoww/Sammi fight seen in the previews?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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