Monday, August 30, 2010

Jersey Shore: War Stories

Writer of THE NOTE.

Oh boy, so here we go back to Jersey Shore, aka the Sammi/Ronnie show. I was over these two and their pathetic antics about three episodes into season 1, but here we are on episode 5 of season 2 still having the same fight. The editors need to shift focus ASAP or they’re gonna lose a whole bunch of viewers. So as you can see, I’m really tired of writing about Sammi and Ronnie’s fight... again, so I’m going to tell you what ELSE happened on this episode and leave it at that. Hopefully we can all move on. Here we go!

This episode is titled “The Letter,” which is an offshoot of Sammi and Ronnie’s fight so I’ll go there since it involves the rest of the house. Here is my theory about Jwoww and Snooki and their undercover project: They wrote an anonymous letter to AVOID an uncomfortable confrontation, either with Sammi or with Ronnie. In actuality, all the letter accomplished was to POSTPONE an uncomfortable confrontation, along with making it 100 times worse than it would have been if they had just spoken up in the first place. This is a tactic highly popular among males. They avoid the awkward conversation with a girl thinking they’re saving themselves, when in reality all it does is make the girl even madder and the conversation goes from awkward to ferocious. We’ve all been there, right ladies? Anyway, Jwoww and Snooki are very misguided in this little adventure. The truth will obviously come out and they’ll be in much deeper sh*t with both Sammi AND Ronnie for dancing around everything.

But onto more important matters like Jwoww’s fake boobs. She’s standing at the mirror squeezing them together and wishing they would stay squeezed together without her hands. But alas, every time she lets go they move about a centimeter. They’re still suspended in mid-air, mind you, but there is a small ravine between them. She keeps pushing them together and saying, “Like that,” but they don’t stay.

"Damn sternum."

I’m sure she doesn’t want to be bothered with wearing a bra that would push them together, but I bet her plastic surgeon would be happy to suture them together for price. Why the heck not?

It’s gay pride week in Miami and Jwoww and Snooki are off to a gay club to be admired. They quickly find a couple of guys who are happy to dance, drink and tell Jwoww how hot she is. Ah, the gay shot-in-the-arm to the self-esteem. There’s nothing quite like a guy telling you how great your makeup looks.

Especially through your tranny sunglasses.

Of course our guidos have no interest in gay pride week and are busy at Klutch seeing what they can round up for the evening. Sitch’s shirt is up around his neck and Pauly D is doing reconnaissance. Apparently it’s a good night because Sitch tells us, “I’m hookin’ up wid this girl, your girl’s girl, and her girlfriend’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. Someone’s gotta do it.” Indeed.

The Situation takes a ready-made prisoner.

Snooki comes home and decides this would be a perfect time to drunk dial Emilio. Or as she says to the camera, give him a second chance. As soon as she mentions that there were guys in the picture this evening, Emilio is pissed. Gay or not, Snooki is not allowed to be out with guys. Jwoww’s nearly unconscious on the couch and she mumbles, “Tell im it’s gay parade week... end.” LOL. Snooki tries to explain to Emilio that gay guys are into other GUYS and this sends Emilio over the edge. He doesn’t want to hear about gay guys making out, for pete’s sake! Snooki goes off on him, saying she’s not herself when she’s out at clubs because she misses Emilio, but he’s now blown his second chance and it’s over. She slams down the phone while he tells her he doesn’t miss her. Oh Emilio.

"This is why I'm a lesbian. Honestly."

He calls right back, but Snooki just picks up the receiver and drops it back down. Take notes, Sammi. This is how you end things with a guy. You actually stop talking to him.

Let’s check in on Sitchy D! They’ve got Vinny with them tonight, but only manage to convince two young ladies to escort them back to the house. Sitch very astutely tells us that the numbers don’t add up and someone will be left out. But just as they walk the twosome into the house ANOTHER twosome of ladies shows up at the door yelling, “Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!” These are evidently Sitch’s backup plan. He’s super excited because this presents him with a girl puzzle and he loves these. Now there is one extra girl instead of one extra guy, but luckily the extra girl is a hippopotamus so the guys don’t need to worry about who will sleep with her. This is the closest these guys will ever get to being in a battle so they make the most of it and use their military terminology. Sitch tells us very carefully that in this situation you have to separate the two sets of girls and then you have to separate the good looking girl from the hippo. This will require much strategy and maneuvering. Sitchy D manages to arrange it so that there are two bedrooms on different ends of the house and each of those bedrooms contains two girls.

Spoils of war.

Then the three guys convene in the living room for the battle plan. Vinny states the mission: we have to take 3, one for each of us and the grenade is just going to sleep... or something like that. Luckily Sitch is willing to go out to the front lines by himself, sparing his buddies. He selflessly instructs Pauly D and Vinny to go into the bedroom with the two hot girls and help themselves. He will take on the dangerous task of entering the other bedroom, extracting the hot girl, and leaving the grenade to blow up by herself. I smell a Medal of Honor in someone’s future if this works. The guys all shake hands and wish each other well, then trade letters to their parents in case one or more of them doesn’t make it.

"See you in the trenches."

Sitch very bravely enters the danger room and approaches the grenade, which turns out to be a dud who only wants to sleep anyway. So he takes “Kristine, or Kristen, whatever her name was,” into the smoosh room to take care of bidness. So each of our soldiers has success on tonight’s battlefield. And three ladies walk away with a little less dignity and a lot more STDs. At least they got to be on TV. It’s slightly interesting to me that NONE of them cared which one they end up sleeping with. Vinny high fives Jwoww as he walks past her, then says, “I don’t know if you want to touch that hand.” GROSS!

"My hand now has HPV."

The guys are ready to start their day so they get dressed up in their Jersey wife-beater / sweatpants uniforms and head out for GTL, minus the G today, leaving behind instructions for Angelina to clean. It seems that she hasn’t been pulling her weight in the sanitation category of the house. Angelina, however, is busy. She has ten thousand phone calls to make to let everyone in the tri-state area know that she is bored in Miami. The guys get home to see that nothing has been accomplished so they yell to Angelina to get off the phone and clean, to which she responds (at the top of her lungs) that she doesn’t give a f--- and to shut up.

"And whaddya gonna do about it? I'm bored!!!"

Sitch tells her she’s excluded from dinner if she won’t clean. She gets up and screams, “Say please! Say please!” So Sitch goes, “PLEASE hit the f-ing treadmill! PLEASE!” Ha ha ha! Oh, I mean, low blow.

Snooki and Jwoww are on a walk to blow off steam about Emilio. How is it that Jwoww is becoming my fave? She hugs Snooki while she cries about losing her gorilla juicehead and Jwoww tells us that if anyone deserves a good guy it’s Snooki. Of course, they keep it Jersey, though, by standing in front of an intersection to hug it out. Brilliant.

Think this will stop traffic?

Later the guys are making dinner while Angelina pouts. Seriously, she just sits on the couch with her arms folded glaring. Sitch says he was only trying to prove a point and would never actually exclude her. Um, why not, exactly? When she deigns to walk through the kitchen Sitch tries to apologize but she cuts him off, saying she doesn’t like how he talks to her.

"If you'd just work out sometimes, guys would stop calling you a grenade."

After more yelling they get it all settled and Angelina gets to eat dinner with the family, what a relief. But all is not well at dinner as Snooki is down in the dumps over Emilio. Pauly D says to give him his social security number and he’ll have him taken care of. I guess by having some hit man steal his identity, I don’t know. On the bright side, Snooki is ready to party like the old times. Sitch offers her his vanilla ice cream for dessert, which, NASTY.

Later Snooki gathers up all of the pictures she has of Emilio and takes them outside to burn.

"That jerkoff is giving me BACK my air brush tanner."

The entire household joins her to show their support. Well actually to get a bucket of water so that Snooki doesn’t accidentally burn their house down. You know she would if left on her own. The moral of this scene is that Snooki learns a new word: sympathetic.

It looks like it’s time to plant the anonymous letter. Oh goody this should be not exciting at all. Jwoww puts it in one of the see-through plastic drawers next to Sammi’s bed.

The next day Sitch, Snooki and Jwoww have to work at the gelato shop and Snooki and Jwoww are glad to get out of there because they were up all night worrying about the stupid note. And sure enough, between clipping in her extensions and outlining her eyes in black Sammi opens her drawer and finds the note. After sounding out all of the words she marches out into the kitchen to confront each of the guys one at a time to see if they know anything about the note or what it says. Surprise, surprise Vinny and Pauly D deny knowing anything.

Snooki and Jwoww are having anxiety attacks over at the gelato shop imagining Sammi finding the note. At home Vinny pantomimes to Ronnie that Sam received a tell-all note.

"One word, one syllable. F---ed."

Ronnie’s mostly mad that the note is anonymous because it means someone can’t man up. Funny, when it comes to HIM manning up the story changes completely. He has Sammi show him the note, thinking it’s either from Jwoww or Snooki until he sees the word “wisely” and eliminates Snooki. Hmm, I thought the use of “breasts” was supposed to throw everyone off. So what happens next is: Sammi and Ronnie have their same fight. Sammi says they’re done.

Ronnie tries throwing his weight around to frighten a confession out of someone about writing the letter. It doesn’t work. Just to be safe, Angelina wears her sunglasses.

"If I don't move I'm invisible."

Sammi and Ronnie fight again. Sammi says they’re done.

"Let's buy a house together."

Jwoww can’t stand the suspense anymore and calls the house to talk to Angelina, but SAMMI answers... and immediately asks about the note. Jwoww’s like, “Nnnnnooooo... I didn’t do anything.” Snooki does the same. They tell Sitch about the note that Sammi found and he’s the first one to see all the humor in the situation. At home Sitch reads the note out loud and cracks up. Sammi’s like, “Why would you laugh?” Sitch goes, “Multiple fat women? I mean it’s the truth.” HA! He’s the only one being honest about it and for some reason that’s hilarious.

"If it's in the note, it's true to be honest with you."

Sammi’s only concern - still - is finding out who wrote the note. Ugh. Jwoww whispers to Snooki, “If they end up back together then she looks like the dumbest bitch.” Like THAT’S going to happen. Oh wait, it most certainly is.

Excellent poker face, Snooks.

Ronnie’s pretty sure Snooki and Jwoww wrote the note so he’s giving them the silent treatment. We’ll see if they even notice. Guess what. Sammi and Ronnie fight again. Sammi says they’re done.

"Let's get married."

This time Ronnie decides to react and he frantically searches for his notebook ‘o phone numbers and calls some girl back home to talk suggestively within earshot of Sammi. Sammi starts angrily putting her shoes on and I think she’s going to leave. Good for her. Oh wait, all she does is go to Ronnie and demand to know who he’s talking to. Way to take a stand Sammi. More of The Fight. Sammi says they’re done.

Next week - Sammi and Jwoww throw down! I’m so excited. See you then!

You guys hanging in there?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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