Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Jersey Shore: YOU Don't See That

Take off the denial goggles, sweetheart.

To the great dismay of all Jersey Shore viewers, we are still in the middle of the grand NOTE saga, waiting to see who will be blamed for telling Sammi everything that Ronnie has been doing behind her back. Even though everyone knows it doesn’t matter one little bit because Sammi has serious mental issues along with battered woman syndrome. But we take a break from that for just a moment to watch Snooki and Angelina taking shots while wearing ginormous sombreros.

Because cholos are Mexican guidos. Or something.

Snooki accidentally drinks from the glass that is being used for an ashtray - that’s disgusting. She bends over to spit it out and our friendly editors blur out her panties. This is of note because less than a minute later she is crawling onto Vinny’s bed to see if he’s game for some action and here we get a crystal clear shot of her yellow undies.


What gives? Either spare us or don’t, but stop with the mixed messages. This show has already warped my brain into something beyond recognition. Snooki claims this is a search for which guy’s bed is the softest, but I think it’s really a search for which guy’s junk is the hardest and Vinny wins, inviting her to snuggle. The next shot we get is this:

The Snooki Security Blanket: available at a nightclub near you.

Luckily Snooki is discreet enough to crawl away to her own bed before anyone wakes up. Unluckily she is not discreet enough to refrain from immediately telling Sammi that she doinked Vinny. We get confirmation here that Vinny is extremely well-endowed. In fact, Snooki says it was like trying to push a watermelon through a pinhole. And sorry, but I can’t believe that Snooki’s “pinhole” hasn’t had a fair amount of breaking in. But on to less vomit-inducing storylines. Wait, what?

Oh this will do for now. The girls, minus Sammi, head to the beach for some sun. Jwoww warns Angelina again that if she blabs about the authors of the note she’ll be in big trouble. They then proceed to talk about what an idiot Sammi is with Ronnie. Sammi, meanwhile is at home still mad that no one will tell her the truth to her face. And just when she has lost all hope for a confidante, who decides to dish the straight dope? THE SITUATION.

Voice of reason?

I guess he figures now that the cat is out of the bag he might as well say his peace. And he does it in the most awesome way humanly possible:

Sitch: What are ya doin? It’s none of my business, ya know what I mean? He’s my boy but, ya know it’s very one-sided. I don’t see how you don’t see it. He’s a hundred percent WRONG. Ya know what I mean?

Sammi: And he doesn’t see that?

Sitch: No, no, no, no, no, no. YOU don’t see that.

BINGO! Does it get any simpler, Sammi? HE DOESN’T CARE IF HE HURTS YOU. Whether or not RONNIE sees it, YOU need to see it and protect yourself. And these words of wisdom from The Situation. I had no idea he had it in him to come off so insightful and caring. Thank you, Sitch. Really does anything else need to be said? No, but he goes on anyway, confirming the note, offering to be the roommate that tells her the truth, telling her she looks stupid, and even that Ronnie has done much worse than what was in the note. Sammi has heard - from a roommate, mind you - that Ronnie is playing her. Case should be closed, but then who would annoy us? Sammi just sits there whimpering and you know nothing will change. Then she goes, “He said he didn’t hook up with anybody.” I give up.

Later Snooki and Jwoww are out on the patio and Snooki is breaking under the stress of being the anonymous note writer and wants to tell Sammi it was them. Jwoww disagrees. Angelina joins them and the other girls say she’s also responsible for the note. Angelina wants to be left out of it and further, she doesn’t know what the point is of telling Sammi since she’s of course going to stay with Ron. Sitch is busily rearranging the deck chairs during this convo and when he walks inside he tells Sammi they’re out there talking about her. Angelina walks in to invite Sammi out to join the conversation, but she won’t go, saying that if the girls want to talk they can darn well walk themselves inside. Now everyone is mad. Snooki is mad that she’s the only one who wants to tell Sammi about the note, Jwoww is mad that Sammi won’t come outside and Sammi is mad that she’s a miserable idiot.

Jwoww comes inside and starts mouthing off to Sammi about coming outside and Sammi mouths off right back that they could have come inside. This escalates into extensions flipping, acrylic nails pointing, enormous earrings swinging, and general foreplay to a catfight. Jwoww finally loses it, yelling, “You’re a naive bitch while your man is putting his dick in other bitches!” Moment of silence for the reaction shots:

All Sammi can come back with is that they should have told her. Jwoww’s like, “Uh we did.” Ronnie’s like, “So who wrote the note?” Sammi, too wants to know who wrote the note. Who did it? Who did it? Who did it? Who did it? I’m having an aneurysm. More yelling about who should have done what and Sammi retreats to the bathroom, yet again, crying. Snooki is beginning to think they shouldn’t have written the letter. Oh gee, who could have possibly foreseen anything going wrong with the infallible master note plan? Sammi tells Jwoww and Snooki that the note has physically and mentally destroyed her and she’s not herself right now. Then she goes outside to talk to Ronnie (oh boy).

Ronnie’s trying to play this off like the note is ancient history and it’s something they “got through” together. Like there’s no need to keep bringing up this silly glitch we’ve already dealt with. It happened YESTERDAY! Sammi says she can’t trust anyone and she doesn’t know what to do. Then she goes to her bed and reads the note again! Has it changed, Sammi? Has it morphed into a declaration of eternal devotion from Ronnie?

"B-R-E-A-S-T-S. I don't know that word."

The next day we mercifully shift gears and discover that Vinny is having trouble with his eye again. Remember last season when he had pink eye and thought it was terminal? He was so sick he couldn’t work, but luckily it wasn’t serious enough to keep him from clubbin that night. So here we are back to Vinny’s eye trouble. Pauly D goes with him to the optometrist to find out if this is something that will bar him from scooping gelato or what.

"Pauly, could you get my wheelchair ready?"

Guess what it is. Guess what dreaded ocular disease Vinny has contracted this season. Dry eye. Let me say that again. Dry eye. Vinny’s mother has pampered him so much that he probably goes in for a cat scan anytime he has a slight headache. Can you imagine what would happen if he came down with pneumonia or something? He would probably die just from the hysterical fit he would throw upon learning he had an illness. I wonder how he handles all his STDs. He must be on a first name basis with everyone at the free clinic. He probably also has a lifetime prescription of Valium from many exhausted physicians. As Vinny and Pauly D leave the optometrist some girl wants to know if Vinny’s Italian, why is he so white? He must have gotten sunburned once and been scarred for life.

Much like the pink eye, the dry eye does not keep Vinny from clubbing and all of the roommies are heading out tonight. Even Sammi bolsters herself up and pours herself into her white booty shorts. It looks like Angelina has found a drink sponsor for the evening named Jose. Sitch has his hot pink shirt up over his head, but he spots across the club a blonde girl who looks easy, so it’s on. He escorts her directly home to the smoosh room. But before he can start the Situation show, he needs sustenance. He leaves her on the bed and heads out into the kitchen to hang with the roommies and fix himself a snack. Wait, lest we think he’s being tacky, he DOES ask the girl if she’s hungry, but when she says no he makes himself comfortable at the table. So in all seriousness, Mike leaves this girl sitting on the bed waiting to doink him while he has a meal! And the girl waits!

Moments before great disappointment.

In other news, Jose has accompanied Angelina back to the house as well, but he leaves quietly when he realizes he won’t be getting any tonight. Angelina is way too classy for that kind of thing, don’t you know?

When Sitch emerges from the smoosh room, Ronnie goes, “Already?” And after a smoke Sitch goes back in and tells the girl he has a taxi waiting for her. So she mostly came over to hang out by herself while Sitch ate. Congrats, girlfriend, you made yourself quite the conquest this evening. You must be so proud. In fact, take a bow.

Remember last week, when Sammi told the guys that the girls would make dinner next Sunday? Well it’s Sunday and the girls are going to have to follow through. It seems that Snooki used to date a chef so she calls him for instructions on how to make penne a la vodka. She’s truly baffled when he mentions tomato paste. How do these girls ever expect to be proper Italian wives? Isn’t cooking like their main duty? That and rushing their sons to the emergency room when they lose an eyelash? I guess this is their first step in the right direction. Jwoww and Snooki go to the grocery store, but in the midst of trying to figure out what a quart is, Snooki gets distracted by these giant jars of pickles and ends up leaving her shopping list (and cooking instructions) on the shelf.

Apparently in the "random miscellaneous" aisle.

MVP take this opportunity to go out and eat a huge lunch since they don’t plan on receiving an edible meal from the girls. Sitch predicts that the girls will be complaining the entire time as well, and he even does an imitation of them going, “We went shaaaaaping,” which makes me giggle. I have to point out here that Pauly D is virtually unrecognizable when his blowout is covered. If he ever decides to turn state’s evidence he’s all set.

Witness Protection Pauly

Jwoww and Snooki come home and ask Sammi and Angelina to help them bring in all the groceries. Angelina takes this as her cue to get on the phone and Sammi heads to the patio to “hang out.” These girls REALLY suck. No one wants to carry in groceries, but if you’re older than three years old and someone asks you to help them for 30 seconds, you get off your lazy butt and help them. Jwoww is starting to sympathize with Sitch and how he feels every time he cooks. Sammi makes a green salad and calls it a day. Jwoww asks her to go to the liquor store and get vodka (presumably for the penne a la vodka), but Sammi goes, “I don’t really feel like doin that,” and gets on the phone. Then she goes to take a shower.

Jwoww gets madder and madder as the time goes by and she’s the only one cooking. Snooki and Angelina eventually go to the liquor store. The highlight of cooking comes for Snooki when she pours the vodka into the pan on the stove and it ignites. It’s like their own private fireworks display!

"Pretty colors! Yay!"

The guys get home and are genuinely surprised to find that dinner is on the table for them. They’re even more surprised when it’s not only edible, but delicious! Sammi only eats salad since that’s all she helped with. Then the guys keep their word as well and clean up all the dishes. What a beautiful family bonding moment.

The next day Ronnie, Sammi and Angelina have to work at the gelato shop. Ronnie and Sammi kiss each other on the lips when they get into the car. Huh? Oh forget it. Sammi uses this shift to pretend that she and Angelina are great friends and try and pump Angelina for information about what else? The note. She wants to know if Jwoww and Snooki wrote the note. Angelina finally caves and admits that they did but that Sammi can’t say anything. Because all these secrets are really keeping everyone in the house on friendly terms, right? Now Sammi is angrier than ever. Because she has found someone other than Ronnie to blame for her misery.

And back at the house Sitch’s sister Melissa is on her way over. This is the girl who the roommies call “Mike in a wig” and who Vinny got with last season in Jersey. For the occasion Vinny breaks out this huge fake diamond cross.

"No way she'll be able to resist my Kryptonite."

He tells Jwoww that it’s like her boobs, it looks sick, but it’s fake. Yes, but does it defy gravity? It’s another night out for the roommies plus Melissa! Here comes the hairspray. Tonight it’s a club called Tantra and Melissa and Vinny pick up where they left off. I wonder how she feels about sharing diseases with Snooki.

Sitch has found himself another amazing blonde to take home so he approaches her and begins the game.

"Who's your daddy? Who?"

All the other roommies notice that this girl is wearing gloves and a choker and looks suspiciously masculine. Then they all tell us that if you even have to think about it, it’s a dude. Sitch is horrified when he realizes his mistake, but he forges onward in the club in order to reaffirm his heterosexuality.

A situation of mistaken identity.

Jwoww tells Snooki how upset she is with Sammi and Snooki goes, “Let’s go to the bathroom. I need to dance.” Um, what? I start wondering if “dance” is code for something else and then Jwoww goes, “You gotta go to the bathroom to dance?”

"Let's go to the gym. I need to eat."

ANYWAY... elsewhere in the club Pauly D has gotten so completely trashed that his hair is messed up and he makes out with Angelina in the cab on the way home. He must be dreadfully inebriated.

Jwoww calls her boyfriend to say goodnight and she mentions that Pauly D is throwing up. Then she hangs up and walks away. Angelina starts making a big deal out of this, saying that Jwoww was talking s*** about Pauly D. Sammi jumps on board, but Vinny steps up, saying that it was completely innocent and Jwoww was just telling her boyfriend what was going on. It’s true, it was so nothing. Angelina is trying to create a problem.

"I gotta make some popcorn."

Vinny goes right to Jwoww and tells her what Angelina is doing, so of course, Jwoww marches right back out to the living room to sort this out. Sammi puts her two cents in ("Who gives a f---?"), which causes Jwoww to unleash her pent up fury. Then Jwoww is in Sammi’s face saying she’s Jersey trash and Sammi is back in Jwoww’s face saying she doesn’t fight because she’s ma-chore and classy.

"And I've had balls all along, bitch!"

Then up comes THE NOTE. And hair gets pulled. And Sammi is shoved to the ground. Then she charges Jwoww and takes a huge swing. And... we’re out. No anti-violence public service announcement.

Maturity and class... fighting to the death.

Next week the fight continues! Vinny turns on Angelina for stirring this all up and then later they’re making out in a cab. WTF is up with Angelina?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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