Saturday, September 11, 2010

Jersey Shore: The Fossil Watch

Joining our program in progress...

We are smack in the middle of a Jersey Shore CATFIGHT! What happened is that Angelina tried to stir up some drama and when Jwoww asked her about it, Sammi butted in because Sammi is hella pissed at Jwoww and Jwoww is hella pissed at Sammi, so in reality Angelina just served as a catalyst to the inevitable. As Ronnie says, it’s like putting firecrackers in a dumpster. So Jwoww pushes Sammi to the ground and when she tries to stand up Jwoww pushes her down again. All the other roommies are screaming, “Stop!” and are trying to grab either Jwoww or Sammi. But Sammi lunges at Jwoww and takes a huge swing. It looks like she hit her, but I can’t tell exactly. After that it’s a true catfight - where they both have a stranglehold on each other’s hair and are bent over while 100 other people try to pull them apart.

Hair pulling is less effective when your hair is clipped in.

As Vinny drags her away Sammi manages to get a couple more pounds in at Jwoww and Jwoww picks up something and hurls it at Sammi. Vinny is trying to get Ronnie to take Sammi and Ronnie starts yelling that Vinny started the whole thing and now Ronnie and Vinny are pushing each other.

"If you touch me I'm calling my mom!"

Vinny pulls himself away and yells that this is all Angelina’s fault. Angelina, delighted to be relevant, screams, “Oh yeah it’s always me! It’s always me!” Snooki yells at Angelina that it IS her because she took part in the whole note operation.

Ah ha, so the truth about the NOTE is out in the open in front of everyone. Jwoww and Snooki wrote the note, so now Sammi screams at both of them to eff off and Ronnie pounces, saying Snooki only wrote the note because she was mad that she broke up with Emilio and had to bring another couple down too. Eh, that’s a stretch Ronnie. You’d be wise just to keep your mouth shut, but I’m sure that will never happen. Anyway, we get the gist of both sides here. Jwoww and Snooki were looking out for Sammi in a secret anonymous type of way, and Sammi wants someone to blame for acting like a total loser (without giving up Ronnie, of course), so now she hates the note writers. Ronnie is busted and lashing out at anything that moves. In the aftermath of the violence, Jwoww and Sammi are both trying to recover their false eyelashes, which is pretty funny.

Whoa, Sammi. Get that back in place as soon as possible.

Melissa, Sitch’s sister, is still around and she pops back up suddenly. She hugs Snooki, telling her she was in a crap situation and had good intentions. Jwoww has significantly calmed down. (She actually seems to keep a cool head, even in these types of events. Of course, she wasn’t drinking tonight which probably plays in.) As she walks through the kitchen Ronnie says something about how everyone must be laughing at Tom right now. Okay, Tom is Jwoww’s boyfriend and that is one of the weakest attempts at an insult I’ve heard. Just retarded. But it works because Jwoww tries to throw a rather large looking object at Ronnie and the fighting kind of picks back up.

Is there anyone who doesn't want to take a swing at Ronnie?

And while Jwoww is thus occupied Sammi picks up something else and throws it at her. Sammi is truly horrible. I know that isn’t news, but she is just sparkling in the douchette spotlight this evening, making herself look worse and worse.

Snooki and Jwoww go to their room and decide that they completely regret giving Sammi the note. They also hate Angelina for refusing to acknowledge any part in the note scheme. Angelina does suck, but to be fair, she never thought the note was necessary and foresaw this entire outcome.

Sammi’s outside on the patio asking the guys how she did in her first fight. Ronnie is the most vocal, telling her that she kicked the crap out of Jwoww, which isn’t exactly how I remember it.

"Then remember when I broke her nose and she passed out?"

Sammi asks Jwoww (through the confessional camera) how it feels to be beaten by her. She says she’s basking in it. She’s deluded. They continue to reenact the fight on the patio and eventually Ronnie apologizes to Vinny for shoving him. Vinny concludes that Angelina is a fat bitch instigator. Coincidentally Angelina is inside saying Vinny is the biggest troublemaker ever and when they get back to Staten Island he’s going down. Oh and she also tells Melissa that Vinny tried to get with Snooki. Just to be clear: these two hate each other.

The next morning Pauly D surveys the house and finds hair extensions and fingernails all over the place.

Sammi's? Jwoww's? Who wants breakfast?

All their fake parts got torn off. I’m glad Jwoww still has her boobs. Sammi wakes up in Ronnie’s bed all self-satisfied that she dominated Jwoww. Ronnie continues to reaffirm this and makes fun of Jwoww for looking disheveled when she gets up. These three are scheduled to work a shift together at the gelato shop today, but Jwoww is having none of it and calls Enzo to tell him that she won’t be in today because she has to get her nails done. That’s hilarious! She didn’t even bother to lie that she was sick or anything. Just straight up - my nails broke and I’m missing work to get them fixed. I’m sure this has more to do with avoiding Ronnie and Sammi than her nails, but that doesn’t stop Sammi from calling her a little bitch (just to the camera of course) because she has broken nails too, but she’s still going in to work. Yes Sammi, you are a true hero.

In other news, Pauly D and Vinny decide that today would be a beautiful day to go to the beach. They meet a couple of girls and introduce themselves as Ronnie and The Situation. Um, okay. The girls try to get them to come swimming, but suddenly Pauly D notices that one of the girls has an epic cold sore on her lip and the guys take off like the beach is on fire.

Hey, Sugar Lips!

Pauly D goes, “Nuttin like a nice herpe to ruin the party.” Aaawwwww, too bad. I wonder how many times herpes HASN’T ruined the party, but these guys just didn’t realize it because they were wasted.

Angelina and the real Situation have a shift at the gelato shop next and all Angelina can talk about is what an ugly dirtbag Vinny is. Then who should stop by but Jose, Angelina’s recent boy toy.

Apparently on his way home from church.

He has brought her a gift which is a Fossil watch. FAIL. This is a guidette, Jose. You bring her designer knock-offs or nothing at all. Angelina is nice about it though, surprisingly. Sitch tells us, “I don’t know how much it was - $39.99, $49.99... the man should be smashed.” HA! That’s all it takes to bed down Angelina. Well actually, it’s a lot more than any of the guys ever put forth for their questionable skanks.

Back home Sammi and Ronnie are getting ready to go out to a romantic dinner. Sammi tells us that Ronnie isn’t very romantic and doesn’t do nice things for her a lot so when he does it means a lot. Well there you have it. Establish extremely low standards, like hooking up with random women right and left, and then your “girlfriend” will be double excited when you do something not horrendous like taking her out to dinner. You must feel like such a princess, Sammi! She does, too, telling Ronnie how hot she thinks she looks. Well someone has to and Ronnie isn’t saying it. Over dinner they establish that each is not sick of the other yet (how special), and Sammi is so happy that Ronnie was there for her last night during the fight. They agree upon a smoosh later.

Or maybe just a BJ.

Ronnie tells us that the letter brought them closer together. If that’s the case then you should be super grateful to Snooki and Jwoww and thank them for their hand in strengthening your relationship, instead of continuing to treat them like crap.

Vinny pulls Sammi aside when they get home to warn her that Angelina isn’t really her friend, that she was involved in the note and that she’s not real. Like Sammi cares. Angelina is skipping around showing Pauly D her new Fossil watch and saying how much she likes Jose.

"Can you tell time, Pauly?"

Pauly D says now that she’s received a watch she’s gotta let Jose hit that. Of course. Why else would a guy give a girl a gift if not to guarantee some smooshing? If she doesn’t sleep with him now she’s just a huge tease. Do you see how this show has me thinking? Disgraceful. Ronnie concludes that Jose is being played, which I’m sure is true. Angelina doesn’t seem into HIM, she seems into GIFTS. Oh well. Every man for himself. And God against all. (German film reference. HOLLA!)

Snooki and Jwoww have gone to dinner on their own and afterwards go to a place called Felt to play pool. And who should be there but all the other roommates! Well this is awkward. Angelina eventually shows up with Jose and that seems to wrap up this scene. Next!

The next morning Sammi confronts Angelina about participating in the NOTE. Angelina denies it, of course, and tells Sammi she’s her one true friend. Sammi swears that she’s done with Snooki and Jwoww, but she tells us that she doesn’t really trust Angelina either. Good call, Sammi. Stick with the most trustworthy person here - Ronnie.

Let’s pause for a moment with Snooki’s thoughts.

"Welcome to my brain!"

She and Jwoww are at the beach and Snooki starts talking about wanting to go to a nude beach before she dies. Also bungee jumping would be good. Jwoww tells her that bungee jumping is something only crazy white people do. Snooki tells her, “I’m not white, I’m tan.” Then she proceeds to explain that when filling out the equal opportunity portion of job applications, under ethnicity Snooki marks “Other” and writes in “Tan.” She concludes that this is why one tanning salon didn’t hire her. Imagine that. You’d think she was exactly what they’d be looking for. This has been a moment with Snooki’s thoughts.

At home Vinny and Angelina are going at each other about who is to blame for the huge fight. Angelina is going to trash Vinny’s name back on Staten Island, Vinny calls Angelina a truck driver, Angelina says Vinny brings home nasty grenades, Vinny calls Angelina ROB Kardashian (as opposed to Kim) because she’s an ugly bitch. During all of this Pauly D and Sitch’s heads are going back and forth between the two like they are watching a ping pong game and it’s pretty funny.

"I'd hate to be in Staten Island!"

So once again, Vinny and Angelina hate each other’s living guts. Noted.

The guy roommies all sit in the hot tub and discuss the Sammi vs. Jwoww situation. After determining that the fight was pretty much a tie, they marvel over the fact that Ronnie got away with absolutely everything. Sitch tells us that Ronnie peed all over Sammi and she just smiled and took it. Just like when you’re little and you want to believe Santa Claus is alive, he tells us. But f-ing Santa Claus is dead. Ha ha ha! I guess in this scenario Ronnie’s love is the dead Santa Claus.

"What more can I do? I told her what was up last week."

The gang heads back out to Tantra that night and Vinny finds himself a nice young lady named Ryan (not a tranny). He strikes up a conversation and finds her to be extremely well-spoken and intelligent. Then he asks her what she does and here is her answer:


Vinny says she’s a really classy girl. Oh truly. Nothing classier than a scantily clad wing slinger. What a debutante. Snooki spots a cute guy as well and starts dancing with him like “Spanish people.” She tells us she’s very anxious to get him back to the house and get it in. She’ll have to fight it out with Vinny for the smoosh room. Or maybe not. Vinny steers Ryan straight to his bed and Snooki’s boy is only interested in making something to eat.

"Wanna try my fingernails? They're yummy!"

Snooki’s like, “I thought we were going to cuddle...” and finally when her boy is nice and full he joins her in her bed, which literally touches Jwoww’s bed. Poor Jwoww tells us that the sounds were so awful and disgusting that she’s traumatized for life.

On the bright side, it looks like she got her nails all fixed.

It was moaning interspersed with questions like, “What’s your last name?” She tells Snooki in the morning how gross it was and Snooki just giggles and said she didn’t smoosh because she’s not a one night stand. Oh PUH-LEASE. I mean, they may or may not have completely smooshed, but not a one night stand? Try again, Snooks.

Oooh, today on duty at the gelato shop are Jwoww, Sammi and Vinny. Sammi spends the whole shift being annoyed that Jwoww is near her. She even tells Enzo that Jwoww is crazy and not her friend anymore. She also repeatedly calls Jwoww an ugly beast. Glass houses, Sammi. You guys are peas in a pod with your nails, extensions, eyelashes, etc.

Later the roommies are once again getting ready to go out and Angelina receives a call from Jose. When she tells him she’s going out with the roommies he says, “Behave.” which produces a completely over the top reaction from Angelina. What? He’s only known me for a few days! Does he think we’re married? Who does he think he is? On and on. The guys tell her that he DID buy her a Fossil watch so he probably expects to hit that. Angelina is relishing all this attention and is now totally determined to hook up with someone else just to show Jose that it’s going to take a lot more than a Fossil watch. That’s how desired she is.

Snooki and Jwoww stay behind to chill out and make drinks and Snooki calls her boy - named Dennis - to come over to get it in. Jwoww tells her she has to go to the smoosh room tonight, which means that the two of them have to drape themselves in plastic and go into the filthy room to disinfect it.

Snooki is holding Fabreeze. That's like shooting a dinosaur with a squirt gun.

This is so disgusting. There are probably STD germs that have literally grown to the size of large insects crawling all over this room. They tell us that the guys smoosh multiple girls in that room at the same time. Wow, what girl wouldn’t love that? The sheets haven’t been cleaned - this room basically needs to be firebombed. But after their cleaning adventure, Snooki puts clean sheets on the bed and prepares for Dennis’s arrival. When Dennis calls she tells him to bring along a friend for Jwoww, who just doesn’t want to hang out alone. Dennis calls Snooki Mami on the phone, which she interprets as Mommy and gets all freaked out. Honey, you’re in Miami; it’s a Latin thing, not a weird perversion thing. Calm down. Undaunted, Snooki puts lotion on her butt in preparation for a smoosh.

Dennis arrives with a big oafy looking guy who just will not do for Jwoww. Snooki calls him a grenade grundle chode.

But after a couple of glasses of Ron Ron juice, who cares?

Okay, I thought Jwoww just wanted someone to hang out with. Maybe this guy is really cool. If it’s not a romantic situation does it really matter what he looks like? I guess it does because Jwoww flees the scene and goes to bed. Snooki tells Dennis she’d rather just hang out with him, so Dennis sends the grenade on his way. Aw, poor grenade. Better luck next time.

The rest of our guidos are getting ready to come home from the club and in the cab our two arch enemies Vinny and Angelina start making out!

So Vinny has a thing for Rob Kardashian?

They are both so full of CRAP! Pauly D asks if they can stop for Vinny to buy Angelina a Fossil watch. LOL. They get home and retire to Vinny’s bed, ugh. Pauly D reminds everyone that Vinny named Angelina the Staten Island Dump. I also seem to remember Angelina having a few choice words regarding Vinny’s appearance, and now here she is telling us that Vinny’s super cute so she doesn’t care. Pauly D calls through the door, “Yo Vinny! Why don’t you check the Staten Island Dump cause I heard you like to visit it this time a year! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Pauly D is cracking himself up. And me too. Vinny’s never going to live this down. Wait, actually maybe he will since all the other guys have also hooked up with Angelina.

Next time! The Situation calls Angelina a hypocritical whore. HA! Also, Vinny’s Uncle Nino comes to visit and is very popular with the female roommates. This week we get a two-fer so our next episode is on Sunday - see you then!

Reactions? Thoughts? Diseases?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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