Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Jersey Shore: Rarest of Roses

You'll never find girls like these again.

We begin this episode with a phone call from my favorite guido-house-visitor, Vinny’s mom Paula! She’s my favorite visitor because she brings treats and cooks while she’s here. I can’t say she’s my favorite MOM because, well, look at Vinny. She’s obviously raised him to be a self-indulgent sissy-whore, but that’s another story. Let’s have dinner! Hi Paula! Angelina happens to be the one to answer the phone which must be slightly awkward since she just emerged from Vinny’s bed after having drunken angry sex with him. “Your son is a disgusting jerkoff, but he has a huge penis!” She does not say.

"Vinny had a rough night. Hang on."

Now Angelina is furiously backpedaling to the camera, telling us not that Vinny is cute – as we last saw her claiming – but that she was drunk and she does stupid things when she’s drunk. And all the rest of the time, too. Snooki finds out about last night’s antics and is kind of in a bunch about it. She tells us that Anglina is dating this guy Jose, who buys her everything she’s ever wanted. (A Fossil watch is all she’s ever wanted?) But Angelina has sex with Vinny, whom she hates, and not Jose, who buys her everything. This makes her a total whore. Hmm, methinks Snooki may also be concerned that heretofore she was the only roommie Vinny had slept with and she’s not quite so special now.

Sitchy D ask Angelina straight up if she smooshed Vinny. Her response? “I’m not saying that.” Oh geez. Sitch takes particular offense to this due to all the trash she has said about Vinny.

Look how smug she is. As if this were such a feat.

Meanwhile Vinny tells us he’s ecstatic that his mother is coming because she’s going to “clean the house and bring people whatever they want.” Not because she’s funny and he loves her, not because it will be great to talk to her, but because apparently he is in need of a maid. Warning to womankind: Do NOT marry Vinny. Unless you are dying to spend your life as a servant.

Back to Sitch’s anger. He is now complaining that Angelina has proven the theory that when you are nice to a girl and treat her well, she will hang you out to dry and hump someone else who is mean to her. Thank you, Angelina, for reinforcing this idiocy. On the other hand, this only happens when you are whining and dining a bitch skank like Angelina. Girls with class don’t do that, so choose wisely, Sitch. (Fat chance.) This is a vicious cycle that will make guys like Sitch feel justified in treating girls like toilet paper. Pauly D joins in to chide Vinny about it, bringing up the Staten Island Dump again. Vinny takes pride in the fact that he can own a girl when he treats her like crap. These people all seem to think that a miserable dysfunctional relationship is the goal they are striving toward. Let’s ALL be like Sammi and Ronnie!

Sitch is more pissed off about this than he should be. He’s telling us what a hypocritical whore Angelina is and he’s demanding that she tell Jose what happened. Okay, why does Angelina have to play by these rules but Ronnie doesn’t? Not that I’m on her side (heaven forbid), but seriously, the guys had NO PROBLEM keeping their mouths shut when Ronnie was running around acting like this and suddenly Angelina has to answer to them? Sitchy D even threaten to call Jose themselves and tell him because they like him! Moral relativism? Guy code? Seriously, what is this?

Later Pauly D and Vinny are working at the gelato shop, or more accurately, collecting phone numbers at the gelato shop, when in walks Vinny’s family! There are tons of them, including Vinny’s Uncle Nino, who talks like he’s straight out of a mobster movie that’s been dubbed in gibberish.

"Never go against the sdkalghopewh, Vicenzo. Sdklfh."

Elsewhere Snooki and Jwoww grab a snack and Snooki determines that Angelina slept with Vinny only to piss off Snooki, but she doesn’t care (she furiously “doesn’t care”) because Angelina is only getting her sloppy seconds. Sure, Snooks. We all believe you.

"I mean, how could he have THIS and then want THAT? How?"

When Paula unpacks her suitcase it is full of food and underwear for Vinny, including an Entenmann’s chocolate cake, apparently Vinny’s fave. This is what she has deemed necessary for a trip to Miami. Angelina introduces Jose to Paula while the other roommates give her the evil eye. Incidentally, it is Jose’s birthday, further fueling Sitch’s wrath about the injustice being done here. All right Sitch, calm down. Sammi and Angelina are suddenly eager to help out in the kitchen now that Paula is cooking instead of Sitch or Jwoww. It’s interesting to me how respectful they are to the preceding generation and how hateful they are to their own. It’s also interesting how the girls offer to help as if this is their expected role, and the guys make themselves comfortable with their drinks of choice for the same reason. And speaking of the preceding generation, Uncle Nino is in fine form, speaking very loudly (and barely coherently) about various things, including Jwoww’s hotness, which is a little creepy.

Unless you're Jwoww. Then it's validation.

The most amusing thing that he does is to call Mike The Sanitation instead of The Situation, which I may be on board with, however off the mark it is, both literally and figuratively. At dinner when he gives a toast he names a couple of other roommies, including “Pauly Spike,” and “J-Lo.” HA! Nothing like an aging alcoholic relative to liven up an evening. This dinner, by the way, is truly Old World in it’s proportions and timing. Paula starts things off with a pasta course, which is enough to put everyone into a food coma while she prepares the meat course, including breaded chicken cutlets, sausage and peppers, and an array of vegetables.

Look, Ronnie's stomach is tearing open.

Another break follows, during which we get to watch Ronnie coming out of the bathroom spraying air freshener behind him, how charming. And last is a chocolate laden dessert - I’m guessing Entenmann’s? Paula, I love you.

After dinner a bunch of the roommies get in the hot tub with Uncle Nino so that he can say more unintelligible things and oggle Jwoww’s boobs. In the course of all this a ball gets tossed around and Angelina knocks it into Snooki’s face. Many promises of severe beatings ensue - if only there weren’t family present. But all good things must come to an end and Paula takes her now empty suitcase and leaves Vinny to his underwear and leftovers. Thanks for stopping by! I hope your adult son can survive a few weeks without you.

With bursting bellies, the roommies decide to hit the clubs. Angelina calls Jose and very brusquely tells him she will not be meeting up with him. Happy Birthday, Jose! She tells us she’s afraid Mike will rat her out. And it’s off to Tantra! Sitchy D are on a rampage, lining up girls and back-up girls to bring home, as usual. Angelina is dancing with some random guy and Sitch thinks that Vinny is trying to rob one of the skanks he has dibs on. He literally pulls her away from Vinny and reclaims her. Nice thanks that is after Vinny shared his mom with you!

"Never cross The Situation."

"Forget about the rest of that Entenmann's jerkoff."

The girl in question, by the way, is dressed in a white pillow case draped toga-style over one shoulder. They herd their selection back to the house - including Angelina and her dude - and begin the process of seduction. It’s quite awkward because Sitchy D are in their room with their girls and the lights are blaring. That should really put everyone in the mood. And Sitch is acting like a bossy jerk, which eventually scares his girl away. She gets up, telling him she feels bad because she has a boyfriend. Ha! Too bad, Sitch. Pauly’s girl follows suit and wants to leave too. So Sitchy D walks the girls to the gate and Pauly D’s girl becomes my personal hero when she says, “Have fun playing with yourselves!” The guys are flabbergasted and it’s hilarious.

"Are yous chicks lesbians or somethin?"

These girls left without smooshing and they didn’t even care! In fact, they made fun of the guys on their way out the door! But what about their irresistible charm? What about all the time they’ve spent on GTL? What about the cameras? All for nothing.

Or was it? Pauly D fishes through his pockets for the dozens of other numbers he collected and decides he’s not giving up yet. Sitch tells him that calling a girl at six AM isn’t going to accomplish anything, but Pauly D figures he has nothing to lose. His prowess already left the building when bimbo number one told him basically to eff himself. So Sitch rallies and dials a few numbers but only gets voicemails. Pauly D goes next and a girl actually picks up, sounding dead asleep. Pauly D tells her to come on over and sleep at his house and while she’s at it, bring a friend for The Sanitation. This girl is stupid enough to agree. Would any of you ladies out there even answer your phone at six in the morning? After a night out? As for me, there is no way. No effing way. But Sitchy D has located a ho desperate enough to get herself out of bed and come over at dawn. Dignity is very underrated on this show.

So both Sitch and Pauly D run for the door when the doorbell rings, but unfortunately Desperate Ho has arrived solo. She says apologetically, “All my friends are grenades. For sure.”

"But I'll totally do you after I do Pauly."

Oh please. What she means is, “All my friends are asleep. I’m the only one hopeless enough for this BS.” Sitch is not at all pleased, but Pauly D is fat and happy. And as he gets down to bidness with Desperate Ho, Sitch fixes himself a sandwich and sits on his bed to watch, even offering Pauly D half. Desperate Ho is apparently fine with this. This is wildly uncomfortable. Can’t Sitch just gracefully move along? What is it with him tonight?

The next day after a rousing afternoon at the beach, the gang prepares once again to hit the town. There is talk of Angelina bringing Jose, which Sitch is excited about because he still wants to tell him about Vinny. Angelina is begging Sitch not to say anything. Remember when Ronnie was begging Sitch not to... oh wait, that never happened.

And sure enough at the club Sitch is dancing dangerously close to Angelina and Jose and he keeps asking Angelina if she’s told him yet. Sitch takes a moment to tell us that Angelina is the Staten Island ferry because everyone gets a ride and it’s free. Normally I would say HA, but Sitch is kind of pissing me off tonight. He goes to Jose and says there is something Angelina needs to tell him and if she doesn’t, Sitch will.

Morality Hall Monitor

Of course, Jose is all, “What? What?” So Angelina just blurts out, “I hooked up with Vinny!” My brain is melting. The funniest part about this is that while Jose and Angelina have it out Vinny is right next to them with his cap all wickety wack doing a retard dance with a goofy smile on his face. He’s the only one who wins here. Except not really cause he slept with Angelina.

"Uncle Nino would be so proud of me right now!"

Jose and Angelina head to a pizza joint to get to the bottom of things and Angelina assures Jose that she doesn’t like Vinny. We learn here that Jose is under the impression that by “hooking up” Angelina means that she and Vinny just made out. To us she giggles that if that is all Jose thinks, there is no reason to enlighten him further. Angelina SUCKS. She thinks she is such a playa.

Suddenly back at the club Vinny has fallen in love with one of the go go dancers (or whatever they’re called these days) - you know the girls who are paid to show up in their underwear and dance on tables to get the crowd going. Vinny is spouting declarations of love and wishing she wasn’t working so he could buy her a drink.

"I would show you Staten Island..."

Okay, just a second here. How many times a night do you think this happens to this girl? At least several, right? I mean that’s the whole point of having these girls at these establishments - to attract male customers. So it goes without saying - without even thinking - that she is quite used to being hit on and knows how to flirt and play it off. Nonetheless, Vinny has decided that this girl, Ramona, is not just smoosh material, but wife material. He promises her that he’s not going to talk to any other girls tonight and he tells us that they are quite into each other. Ramona does what you would expect. She giggles and awwws. Then she goes back to her pole.

Well I guess lightening does strike twice because Pauly D is also falling in love. He’s at least smart enough to fall in love with a fellow club-goer and not an employee. She’s Cuban and her name is Rosio or something. He also proclaims that this is a girl he could take home to his mom.

So the following day Vinny and Pauly D are on a mission to arrange a date and this is unfamiliar territory for them. Treating girls like human beings, that is. Vinny hits the phones first and he totally screws this up in my opinion.

"Hey Ramona, it's your lucky day!"

What he tells Ramona is that his friend Pauly MIGHT be going out to dinner and MIGHT call some girl, so he (Vinny) needs a sympathy date so he won’t be left out. Oh come ON! What kind of idiotic cop out is that? Just ask her if she’d like to have dinner for pete’s sake! All this hemming and hawing like he’d rather not be doing this is not the way to get Ramona on board. And let’s keep in mind, once again, that Ramona is most likely being asked out on dates all the time and is not likely to be easily impressed. Ramona’s like, “Aw, all right,” and Vinny is elated. Pauly D’s turn! He calls Rosio and asks what she’s doing tonight, then says, “I wanna take you out.” See? It’s that hard, Vinny. Then Pauly D goes, “Vinny’s gonna take that girl, too. The one he’s in love with. So I was gonna take the girl I’m in love with...” brief pause, “and then I figured you could come too.” Oh Pauly. This is what Mystery calls a “neg,” which is where you give a girl an insult cloaked in a compliment just to keep her in her place. I don’t appreciate Mystery or his tactics, but it was kind of funny and since it didn’t happen to me I will chuckle. And Pauly D laughs so hard that it’s kind of endearing.

"You like that? There's plenty more where that came from!"

Then he does his little five-year-old delighted-with-himself confessional, saying, “You gotta do that to break the ice. And you gotta have a sense of humor, girls love that.” And just like that, I’m on his side again. How can he seem so innocent?

Pauly D and Vinny high five each other on having a date with “two of the rarest roses,” and now I’m REALLY laughing. Rarest roses? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! They picked these girls up at a club and one of them works there!! It’s not like they were on a humanitarian mission and met two girls with PhDs in third world sociology or something. Anyway it’s on now and the guys actually walk to a restaurant to make reservations, then they get their hair cut and shop for new outfits and flowers for the girls. They DON’T date much.

"Do you think they'll expect us to shower?"

When they get home the phone is ringing and it’s Ramona. She has something to say to Vinny but she can’t quite spit it out. She keeps stuttering and Vinny finally goes, “So you don’t wanna come tonight?” And Ramona says, “No.” Ouch. Vinny goes, “It’s all right, I understand.” Ramona says, “I’m sorry.” Vinny says, “It’s all right.” And hangs up on her. Ew, this sucks. I mean, I’m not totally surprised, but poor Vinny! I guess. I don’t know how I feel about this! It was pretty ridiculous, but he seems so humiliated. Why did she say yes in the first place? Why did she give him her number? She’s got the front end of her game worked out but not the back end where you back out of stuff. I have a friend who’s a pro at getting out of stuff with guys she meets without being nearly this blunt and awkward. Step it up, Ramona! You’re a go go dancer!

Vinny is very sad.

"This shirt before the shirt was a total waste!"

Ronnie comes out and sits with him on the patio. Vinny says that some girls he treats like gold, like his mother, and it sucks that this was one of those girls. Ahem. She’s a dancer at a nightclub! That you met last night! Am I the only one in this dilemma? So ludicrous, yet so sad. Pauly D (with non-blown-out hair) offers to line up another girl, but Vinny only wants Ramona! Ramona is special! She’s marriage material!

Pauly D has curls when he's flustered!

Vinny isn’t going down without a fight so he calls Ramona back, explaining that he hung up on her because he was pissed about something that happened BEFORE she called. Heh, heh. He starts off okay, saying he’d really like to hang out with her, but then he lapses into, “Please, please, please, PLEASE! I got you really nice flowers!” Okay, now it really IS a pity date. Remember what I said about dignity being underrated? Ramona finally caves and says she’ll see him soon. Vinny spreads the good word and jumps up and down in anticipation of his first date with his future wife. He tells us that in his new haircut and new outfit he is a bank, which is what Italians call someone who is fresh.

Rosio arrives to meet Pauly D and he heads outside with his flowers. No Ramona. Rosio and Pauly D get to the restaurant and order calamari. No Ramona. It’s 10:20 at night and still no Ramona so Vinny calls her yet again... only to get her voicemail. Wah wah wah. Sammi chimes in to tell us she doesn’t appreciate this girl playing Vinny out. What would Sammi know about being played out? Oh wait, everything. Angelina and Jose offer their own company as a consolation prize, but Vinny is so bummed that he opts to spend the evening at home wallowing in his embarrassment. So sad. Or is it? What do you all think??

"Maybe I'll call her one more time."

Next week! Jwoww’s beau Tom visits only to discover an unwanted phone number in her notepad. Also Angelina leaves used feminine products around the house. GROSS.

Let’s weigh in on this Vinny thing. I don’t mean to be heartless, but honestly, why this girl? Why now? Suddenly he has feelings? Humping and dumping has worked thus far. Why is Ramona a tragedy? Let’s also weigh in on The Situation suddenly being on Morality Patrol. What is it with him butting in to Angelina’s antics with Jose? Why was it fine for Ronnie to screw around but not Angelina?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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