Monday, September 27, 2010

Jersey Shore: The Tell Tale Pad

Just because.

Welcome back to Jersey Shore! We rejoin Vinny in the middle of being stood up by his rarest rose (who is a dancer at Tantra). He’s especially peeved because he bought her flowers and got a haircut and he usually doesn’t go to all that trouble, you know. Usually it’s just a matter of herding a drunk girl back to the house, taking care of bidness, then sending her on her way in a cab. This girl was special. She has no idea what she missed out on... unless she’s seen an episode of the show, then she knows exactly.

Bitter pill to swallow.

Angelina is going out to dinner with Jose for his birthday (with Sammi and Ronnie) and she invites Vinny along, as if being a fifth wheel would make him feel better about his televised rejection, but he doesn’t go. Jose doesn’t have very warm feelings about Vinny anyway, since Angelina hooked up with him - or as he thinks, made out with him. At dinner Sammi and Angelina take a girls’ trip to the bathroom and while they’re gone Jose tells Ronnie that he figured he and Angelina were some sort of item because she would always tell him not to get with any other girls. That’s why he was dismayed to learn that she got with Vinny.

"Bro, if Sammi had any idea what I've done..."

On the walk home Ronnie shares this information with Sammi and they discuss how hypocritical it is of Angelina to be playing Jose that way. Sammi quickly makes it about herself by pointing out that if Angelina is lying to Jose about being his girl, then she’s probably lying to Sammi about being her friend. Trust Sammi to be able to make herself the victim in someone ELSE’S relationship.

"And I only let YOU make a fool of me, Ronnie."

When everyone convenes back at the house Ronnie comes up with a brainchild. He decides to swipe the flowers Vinny bought for his no-show, leave Vinny cash and give the flowers to Sammi. As he does this I’m thinking that Sammi is going to take this as the sweetest romantic gesture ever, and proof that Ronnie really does care about her, even though they are hand-me-down flowers. To her credit, Sammi says that the flowers aren’t for her and that Ronnie didn’t pick them out so she doesn’t want them. Finally she does something that kind of makes sense.

"Shove these up your guido hole, you stumpy bastard."

Ronnie jokes about how many of the housemates’ “children” are on the flowers since they’ve been hanging out on the smoosh bed for hours. That’s disgusting.

Meanwhile Jose wants what’s coming to him, which is a night with Angelina in the smoosh room. She talks to us like this is such a pain for her and that Jose is so sadly mistaken about everything, but then she puts new sheets on the bed and jumps in with him. But then she says she’s tired and it’s her time of the month. What else, Angelina, you have a headache? An early meeting? Apparently she’s going to make him wait this out indefinitely... but dangle the carrot in his nose so she keeps getting Fossil watches and the like.

The next morning we learn that there is a smoosh scoreboard in the living room for all of the roommates. This leads to Angelina telling Sitch that she smooshed Jose, which we just saw that she did not. She explains that the purpose of this lie is to keep the guys off of her back for sleeping with Vinny (whom she hates), but not with Jose (who buys her crap). She thinks this will stop them from calling her a hypocrite. Instead it starts them on calling her a total slut for sleeping with two different guys in 48 hours. Sitch even says that this is something he would do, but that’s okay because he’s a guy. It’s not okay for Angelina because she’s a girl. Here is his exact quote:

“It’s not sad that there is a double standard. Everybody knows there is a double standard. Everybody loves a guy that gets girls. He’s the man; he’s the pimp. And then everybody doesn’t like a girl that is a ho... and that’s Angelina.”

There it is, folks. In living color. It’s okay for guys to bang a different girl every night, but not for girls.

"It's a time-tested scientific theory, yo."

And for the record, I myself do not find it sexy for a guy to use girls like kleenex. It’s disgusting and degrading for both the girls he’s using and the guy himself. In fact, I would venture to guess that this thinking man-whores are awesome is more an attitude that males have, not females. But I could be wrong. This also articulates EXACTLY what these guys think of the girls they bring home and bang. They don’t like them ‘cause they’re ho’s... like Angelina. Why would any girl volunteer for that?

Snooki even weighs in on the situation, saying that Angelina got it in with Vinny because she’s a loosey goose, and then she had sex with Jose the next day which makes her a whore.

"I will pass judgment on Angelina because she is a skank."

She conveniently skips over the fact that she, too, got it in with Vinny, then had sex with that Dennis guy shortly thereafter. Jwoww concurs that Angelina is giving everyone a reason to hate her with all this sleeping around. Uh... and Snooki?

Jwoww and Pauly D get to work a shift at the gelato shop and Pauly D has a special visitor stop by - Rocio, HIS rarest rose.

"Thanks again for not standing me up."

He tells us that Rocio seems mad cool because she’s definitely not a ho and she’s definitely not a stalker. Good times, Pauly D. He wants to be careful, though, not to rush things because that may turn her into a stalker. Of course.

Jwoww calls home to make sure Snooki is out of bed to come with her to their nail appointment. Angelina says she’ll go wake her up, but to no one’s surprise, she hasn’t budged from the phone table by the time Jwoww gets home and Snooki is still sleeping soundly.

"Oh yeah, I was just about to get up."

Pauly D does the honors instead and carries Snooki out to the bean bag chair so she can go with Jwoww to get purty.

Jwoww has a very special reason to have all of her false accessories in place today. Her boyfriend Tom is arriving for a visit! He greets Jwoww with kisses and hugs then discovers Snooki asleep in her sunglasses and hugs her too.

"Only you forever, baby."

Then while Jwoww changes so that they can go out and do something he starts sifting through all the crap on her bed and discovers her telephone notebook! Uh oh, this has only spelled trouble when other people have gone through telephone notebooks. Sure enough, Tom finds a number that he told Jwoww not to keep. It’s time for the grand guido fakeout. Tom proclaims that he is done and he’s leaving and it’s all over. He begins storming off the property.

"This is worse than when you hooked up with Pauly D!"

Has he been taking relationship lessons from Sammi and Ronnie? Jwoww promises she never called the forbidden number and she begs and pleads for him to stay. After sufficient pouting and threatening Tom comes back into the house, but he isn’t ready to concede just yet and he lies down on the bed for some silent treatment. Jwoww pretends to pick his nose, then he pretends back and everything is great again! Yay!

There’s another visitor in town and that is Angelina’s bosom buddy Gina. Gina has come bearing gifts from Angelina’s mother, which consist of additional whoring outfits.

"What do you think? Is white too prudish?"

Ah yes, my mom used to send me care packages of slutty clothes all the time. No scratch that. My mom used to send me books about getting out of codependent relationships (she wasn’t a fan of my erstwhile boyfriend). And just now Angelina’s mom calls to see how the clothes are working out. While she’s talking to her mom Angelina starts to cry because she realizes that no one likes her here and she misses being mommy’s little princess. Gina picks up the phone and tells Angelina’s mom that she’s crying, probably because she misses her. Angelina’s mom goes, “She’s crying? I don’t want her crying. Are the dresses too tight maybe?” HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Meeting these kids’ parents explains SOOOO much about them. It’s just too ridiculous.

Later Jwoww is doing something to Snooki’s hair and they are having a conversation involving their latest slang term for girl parts - cooca. Has Jwoww ever been kicked in the cooca? Why no, but she’s had accidents, like with bicycles. So has Snooki! This is fascinating. Then the guys start singing about t-shirt time and that means it’s time to go out!

Snooki’s little friend Dennis is hanging out at the club tonight and Angelina is immediately talking to him and dancing with him, which prompts Snooki to tell us that Angelina loves her sloppy seconds. I think Angelina just likes attention in any shape or form. And Snooki in the meantime is only being approached by “grenade grundle chodes” she wants nothing to do with.

"I don't care what anyone says. Your poof is mad sexy."

Remember last season when she couldn’t get anyone to pay attention to her for love or money? She’s getting too big for her britches, this one. Poor, poor Snooki.


Sitch has found a girl to pester and the first two things she tells him are that she’s a model and that she’s Canadian. Great! Sitch instantly pulls his shirt up over his head in response. Miss Canada is evidently wasted because she’s falling all over Sitch and very clearly DTF. Sitch decides this can’t wait for the smoosh room and pulls her into the very sanitary toilet to get this done. The second they close the door, however, some wet blanket security guard is pounding it down, yelling, “One person in the bathroom at a time! Just one person!” They’ve obviously seen this “situation” in the past and are having none of it. I’m sure their maintenance personnel aren’t paid nearly enough to clean up hazardous waste in the restrooms. Oh well, let’s get out of here and get to the smoosh room!

"Suckers. The Canadian government gives us tax breaks for having sex in public bathrooms!"

But before Sitch can tell the roommies that he’s off, Miss Canada has gotten herself lost and Sitch is forced to come home empty handed.

At home Pauly D is in an uproar yelling at Angelina for dancing with Snooki’s used goods. Wow, they really hate her. She of course denies it, as if it weren’t on film.

"Next you're gonna say you're not eating that pasta right now."

Elsewhere in the house Jwoww and Tom are attempting to have a happy reunion but Snooki is completely trashed in the next bed and very interested in grabbing their feet. When she realizes what’s going on Snooki runs into Vinny’s bed to give Jwoww some space. But she’s not a ho. Not like Angelina.

GTL time! The guys all head out and Angelina realizes what a disgusting mess the house is. She moves a couple of things around on the counters and concludes that she’s done her part. Sitch is once again philosophizing on the importance of the GTL. He tells us, “If you don’t go to the gym you don’t look good. If you don’t tan you’re pale. And if you don’t do laundry you ain’t got no clothes.” Wow that’s insightful. And important. And as such they stop off at the cleaners to collect their clothes, but the Situation’s have gone missing. After pestering the lady for quite some time Sitch realizes he picked up his clothes yesterday. The lady’s like, “You remember, Situation?” LOL. And that is what happens when GTL overtakes your life.

When the guys arrive home they find this taped to the gate:

Someone wants to be in front of the camera.

Pauly D starts laughing hysterically, which makes me laugh too because it looks like there is going to be a dramatic showdown between Sammi and Ronnie over Sammi attracting someone’s attention after pledging eternal devotion to Ronnie. Hee! But Sitch quickly realizes that this is Miss Canada, the toilet girl. She has tracked him down and invited him to call. Sitch deciphers what the note means, telling us, “Here’s my number, please call me so we can bang real quick.” Thanks for decoding that Sitch. It was a complicated one. Pauly D decides it would have been funnier if the note really HAD been for Sammi so he goes in to where Ronnie is napping and puts the note on the pillow next to him. Sammi comes in and finds it and almost craps herself. I kind of wanted Pauly D to ride it out a little and let Sammi and Ronnie fall apart (as they were certain to do), but he comes in laughing and tells them the truth. Boo.

Pauly D and Vinny decide to make an afternoon of it at the beach, as do Angelina and Gina. But both parties choose to totally ignore each other, each thinking they are totally sticking it to the other. Wah wah.

"We totally acted like we never saw those jerkoffs. Their loss!"

Pauly D and Vinny call the girls beached whales and get busy burying each other in the sand with the help of some other girls who didn’t want to sign release forms.

At home Sitch gives Samantha a call and talks to her like the biggest Douchey McDoucherson. (Hey Baby, you got plans with me tonight. Maybe you can sleep over or somethin.) Sammi hears this and calls him out on being a disgusting creep. Thank you Sammi, for making sense twice in one episode. Sitch does a tidying up run-through of the house in case Miss Canada is sober enough to notice anything when he brings her home later. He leaves some dishes in the sink, saying Angelina can take care of them since she never does anything (good luck with that). Then while giving the bathroom a once over what do you think he finds? A dirty pad. And who has been announcing at the top of her lungs that she’s on her period? Angelina. Sitch is totally disgusted and brings Jwoww and Tom to witness the horror. He gets the dirty pad and puts it under Angelina’s pillow, grumbling about what a dirty trash bag she is.

"I don't want to know about any female fluids while I'm sober."

And back at the beach Angelina and Gina have found a cute baby face to bring home. Pauly D and Vinny are on their way home and they run into Sitch, Jwoww and Tom so everyone stops to get a bite to eat. Sitch tells them about the dirty “tampon” he found and everyone agrees that this is inexcusable and completely revolting. True. Jwoww predicts that tonight will be a “fight night.” When Angelina gets home with Babyface she notices that her bed looks different than when she left. She panics and says, “Did he eff with my belongings?” That makes me laugh. Belongings? I don’t know why, but it does. Anyhoo she finds the pad and freaks out. She’s also embarrassed because Babyface sees the whole thing and isn’t really sure what to do.

When the other roommies get home Angelina, Gina and Babyface sit on the couch to see what unfolds. Sitch checks under Angelina’s pillow and discovers that she’s removed the evidence. He keeps calling it a tampon, which is also funny. He’s how old and doesn’t know the difference? The guys talk crap about Angelina bringing home yet ANOTHER guy and then Sitch asks Angelina to help with the dishes. She claims to have cleaned up all morning, which Sitch knows is BS since he’s the one who cleaned all afternoon, so he loses it and tells her that she’s a disgusting dirty hamster who leaves her dirty tampons on the floor. Babyface sits quietly on the couch observing.

"I wonder if I should start looking for an agent now, or do I have to sleep with Angelina first?"

This escalates to Angelina calling Sitch Popeye on Crack. Then Sitch calls her out on sleeping with two guys in two days. Angelina says Sitch’s dick should fall off because he’s disgusting. Disgusting. And Angelina lunges at Sitch! And we’re out. Our editors are really digging this cliffhanger fight gimmick.

Next week! Sitch gets his chance with Miss Canada and Snooki and Angelina have a catfight of their own! Probably as we fade out at the end of the episode, but still. It looks like the action keeps right on coming!

So what did you guys think? This episode kind of served as a set up for the upcoming fights. I’m still disturbed about the whole double standard thing. I mean look. They’re all whoring themselves out. I just don’t think that guys should be exempt from the label. What do you think??

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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