Monday, October 04, 2010

Jersey Shore: The Staten Island Ferry Departs

"Someone beg me to stay!!!"

So remember how Sitch had gotten Angelina all riled up and she lunged at him and smacked him in the face? Well, we’re joining our guidos right there once again. Angelina is screaming at Sitch that he’s a jerkoff and Sitch is calling Angelina a ho. He tells us that he’s the glue that holds this family together but when it comes to Angelina he’s had enough.

"Where did I put that abuse hotline number?"

You know, he’s right. She makes no attempt whatsoever to EVER be nice to any of them or even have a civilized conversation. She’s always pissed off and defensive and all she does is talk on the phone, scream and call everyone names. Plus she’s a slob and probably smells, to hear everyone talk about her. I can’t find any redeeming qualities about Angelina. Sammi sucks too, but at least she can stay quiet for five minutes together.

Speaking of Sammi, she and Ronnie walk through the door right now and immediately Ronnie knows something is wrong because Sitch is holding still and Sitch never holds still. Angelina’s pal Gina is trying to make her feel better by saying that if she wants to sleep with 10 guys in a day that’s her choice. Uh, thanks Gina. Every girl wishes they had a friend like you to stand up for their virtue when it’s attacked. Pauly D comes out of the shower (or perfecting his blowout) to hear that Angelina punched Sitch in the face. He walks into the living room and asks who Babyface is. Angelina is all, “He’s my friend.” So Pauly D tells him he needs to leave because there’s family business going down. That’s awesome. Babyface senses that he’s outmatched so he gracefully agrees to leave. Angelina makes him write down his number, which Pauly D is certain is fake because who would want Angelina to call him after that display? Well, maybe someone who’s looking for some exposure. Later, Babyface.

"And I have modeling experience too."

Angelina goes outside with Gina to complain about how she’s never had to deal with this much drama in her life! Somehow I doubt that, since it’s all coming from her. The guys sit inside and talk about how Angelina has brought this on herself.

Another casualty of Angelina's violence

Also that she brings all these random guys home and only guys are allowed to be skeevy like that. (Ugh, please don’t get me started on THAT crap again.) Additionally, she’s filthy. They’re done with her and want to just shove her clothes in garbage bags so she’ll leave. They might get their wish because Angelina is talking like she’s ready to leave too. Good!

Sitch goes to tell Jwoww and Tom what happened and that no one defended her. Jwoww for some reason is of the opinion that Angelina has earned her spot in the house by having gone through a whole bunch of crap with a whole bunch of people. She goes outside to tell Angelina this, and they commiserate over having both punched Sitch in the face. Oh, that was an amazing moment last season when Jwoww belted him in the mouth. I know violence is never the answer but that little incident gave me a lot of pleasure. Anyhoo, Jwoww tells Angelina to stay and Angelina is like, “I can’t take this mental abuse anymore!” Boo hoo hoo. She’s such a victim.

"I'm too hot for this. This would never happen in Staten Island!"

Pauly D and Vinny are over it and start singing, “It’s t-shirt taaaaaaahheeeeeeeeeeemm!” They make up many verses that go over what’s happened with the house and all end in “t-shirt taaaaaaahheeeeeeeeeeemm!”

"We mentally abused Angelina just before t-shirt taaaaaaahheeeeeeeeeeemm!”

Sitch calls for a cab and the poor sucker on the other end of the phone has the misfortune of asking for his name. When he says Situation, the guy doesn’t get it and finally gets his supervisor. It takes like 10 minutes for the cab people to just accept that this idiot wants to be called Situation. My husband has taken to doing this at restaurants or any place that wants a name to call. He now gives “The Situation.” And no one thinks it’s funny but us.

So there’s a knock on the door, but it isn’t the cab coming to collect The Situation just yet. Nope, it’s his Canadian slut! And she is dressed to party! She’s wearing a skirt that is smaller than some underwear I own and Sitch takes her back to his room to pick out which of his clothes she would like to wear later as pajamas. Instead of acting in the least bit hard to get, Miss Canada just picks something out and says she’ll make it hot.

Behold the petri dish of disease.

Oh you mean hot like that see-through white microscopic skirt you’re wearing with your black panties underneath? Sheesh. Not that there was any doubt she was going to give it up since she tried to doink Mike in a public bathroom on the last episode. Off to Klutch!

Angelina is on a mission tonight to be the bigger person and stay away from the drama. I admire her maturity and diplomacy so much. She says she hates it when Mike is screaming in her face. Uh, honey, the only one I heard screaming was you, so shut it already. And Mike, even though he is here with his demure Miss Canada, is pulling up his shirt right and left for any willing pair of eyes in a reasonable radius.

What is that odor?

One (obviously not-too-picky) girl pays attention and Miss Canada grabs her and tells her to stay the hell away from her man because she’s nobody.

Sorry dude. You lose the guy in the vest. Bummer.

The other girl has almost no reaction and just turns back to her friends. Mike acts like he just won Publisher’s Clearinghouse. And that he’s also the much-desired prize. Ah delusion. He realizes that he’s wasting time pulling up his shirt for other girls when Miss Canada is practically taking her clothes off, so the gang calls it a night and heads home. Vinny goes, “Mike brought the Canadian back, eh. And he wanted to show the Canadian what the Situation was all aboot.” Ha ha, oh yes, we couldn’t have gone a whole episode involving a Canadian without the funny accent jokes. Except it’s not “aboot,” Vinny. It’s “a-boat.”

The guys discover in the kitchen that their Nutella is made in Canada so they call toward the smoosh room asking if Miss Canada knew that her people made Nutella. In response they (and we) hear a huge moan from her. Eeeeewww! No thank you! Apparently this goes on for quite some time to everyone’s great amusement. I’m actually surprised this isn’t a more regular occurrence for all of the random people coming in and out of this place. Angelina has brought Jose home from the club - certainly not to have sex with him - and she puts Gina in her bed and then has Jose sleep with herself in Mike’s bed. Jose is rather hesitant to sleep there, but Angelina thinks it’s fine. When Mike comes up for air he wanders into his room and is appalled to discover Angelina and Jose in his bed. He tells her she should have asked.

The next morning as Vinny makes egg “sangwiches” (this is the first time I’ve noticed this particular pronunciation. Where have I been?) Jose goes out of his way to thank Mike for the use of his bed. See, Mike is easy, in more ways than one. All he wants is a little shout out. A little acknowledgement, a little stroke of the old ego. He’s not going to say no, he just wants some consideration. Jose recognizes this.

Mike offers Miss Canada half of his sangwich and she wolfs it down, further impressing him. Guys think it’s so cute when skinny girls are big eaters. So Mike gushes to us about the Canadian wonder slut because not only does she open her legs, but when she’s done with that she opens her mouth and eats. Wow, sex and food? You won’t find too many people on the planet who participate in both of those. Vinny and Pauly D sit down at the table with Miss Canada to pump her for info, but she just giggles and acts modest. I think that ship sailed, dear, but nice try. Eat your sangwich. We’ve seen the last of you I think.

After Canada has been safely packed away in a cab, Mike thanks Jose for thanking him about the bed again and reminds Angelina that she should have asked. Stop mentally abusing her, Mike. To make things worse, Gina is leaving and now Angelina feels completely alone.

Is this one of the tight dresses her mom sent?

Later that evening when Mike tells the other roommies about the sleeping arrangements they are all as scandalized as he is. Angelina comes into the room and this turns into another battle between her and Mike. She thinks she has done her part and more since this morning she said “thank you” about sleeping in his bed. Mike just wants her to admit that she should have asked. This would be like asking Angelina to properly dispose of her feminine products. She just won’t. She keeps saying “Drop it,” so Mike goes, “Drop your big ass!” Her comeback? “Drop your ugly face.” Why don’t you both drop your pants and have sex? It worked for Vinny.

Well! Angelina is at the end of her rope. She is done with everyone. Everyone here is fake and she’s over it. If anyone has something to say to her, she’s ready to fight. So it’s on.

The next day the guys head off to GTL and there is a bad stench in the car. Ronnie may be pregnant because he is ultra sensitive to the smell and is wretching. Pauly D finds an old sangwich under one of the floormats and they all conclude that Angelina is responsible because, well, this is her MO.

Snooki has a shift at the gelato shop today so she decides to take this time to do some writing. But this isn’t anything productive like her personal memoirs or instructions on becoming the Princess of Poughkeepsie. Oh no, she’s creating a checklist of the things she wants to find in a boyfriend. You know, like what you did in the tenth grade? She tells us what she’s looking for and she sounds like she just smoked herself some marijuana. She’s looking for “a guido... juicehead... with my personality. My style... and is not a cheater. Can I find that somewhere? ‘Cause I’m not gonna go on again.” HA!

"Honestly. Are there any pickles left?"

Aw, it looks like Tom’s visit has come to an end. He managed to stick out the entire trip, even though Jwoww wrote down a forbidden phone number. Jwoww gets all teary eyed when she walks him out, but she’s soon distracted because Snooki is home and wants Jwoww to proofread her manuscript, “Snooki’s Ideal Man Guido.” I’m going to go ahead and quote the whole thing for you because it’s a masterpiece, this one.

Big sense of humor
Likes to party
Fist pumps
Frolics (??)
Isn’t a jerkoff
A dork at heart
Smells good
Pays for meals (I totally thought she said “peas for meals”)
Likes pickles
Takes an interest into my hobbies (such as...?)
Is very protective
Not so serious
Likes to sleep in

This is a list to be taken very seriously. Particularly liking pickles and liking to sleep in. Those are both deal breakers for me as well. So now Jwoww and Snooki are on a no-nonsense mission to locate some idiot who fits the entire checklist. Felonies are not a problem.

"He could be anywhere. Like the grocery store, the nail salon, anywhere."

Later all the roommies are hanging out making plans to have dinner together then go out clubbing. Angelina breezes through and there are questioning glances all around because everyone wants to know if she’s leaving. Mike actually tells her the plans and asks if she would like to come. This seems nice, but I really think he’s trying to find out if she’s on her way home. Here is her answer: “Well, for myself, I’m gonna figure out what I wanna do.” Nice answer, biz-natch. And I didn’t notice anyone mentally abusing you just there. Then she starts saying that obviously none of them like her so she could stay with a bunch of fake people or she could leave. Right here Mike offers to speak for everybody and tells her to get the eff out. Angelina asks if anyone else wants to say anything and there are crickets.

"I try to be classy. I try to be mature and they abuse me."

So it’s another night out at the club for our guido family, this time minus Angelina. Pauly D’s little rarest rose Rocio turns up at the club and they gush all over each other. Snooki’s committed her checklist to memory, but she’s very disappointed with the evening’s selection. She spots Alex, for whom she decides to compromise because he is tan and that is the first item on the list. She shoves him onto a couch and orders him to make out with her, which he does. The only glitch in this master plan is that Angelina has heretofore brought Alex home with HER, so now Snooki is taking Angelina’s sloppy seconds.

Meanwhile Angelina is home packing her crap. She wants to wait for everyone to get home so she can tell them off one last time before leaving. This way she won’t feel like they won. But America wins, so there’s that. Everyone files through the door and instantly Angelina calls Alex out on coming home with Snooki. He’s like, “Nah, we’re all friends. Everyone was going, so...” Yeah, busted, Alex. Angelina keeps asking, “Why did you come home with HER?” So the guys ask her how Jose is doing, just to call her out. Angelina will not shut up about it. At Snooki: “Did you hook up with him tonight? Probably. Do I care? No.” Oh clearly. So what was supposed to be Angelina’s grand farewell speech has blown up in her face. She finally throws her hands up and screams, “ALL OF YOUS IN THIS HOUSE ARE EFFING FAKE AND I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT I CAN’T STAND ANY OF YOUS! FAKE A-HOLES, ALL OF YOUS!”

Snooki takes off her earrings and pounces. They get tangled up in each other and all the guys are laughing and cheering. Mike even moves the coffee table out of the way to give them some room.

The inebriation really makes this less threatening.

Jwoww pulls them apart but then they both go for round two, which is a repeat of round one - the tangled hair ball.


Everyone is very concerned for their safety.

Snooki jumps up screaming, “I’m still here! I’m still pretty, bitch!” Angelina gathers her things and takes her leave to everyone’s amusement.

When she gets to the patio Ronnie and Sammi are sitting there and she tells them that out of everyone in the house she thought they were her friends. They’re not buying it and remind her that two seconds ago she called them both fake. Angelina admits that she was hoping someone would tell her not to leave, but they’re all such jerks that no one did. Um, Jwoww did yesterday. Did you think someone was going to beg you? So Angelina is off, yelling, “Goodbye fake people!”

"You're on my list. All of yous!"

Mike has a little gem for us, saying that to call him fake is just blasphemy - to talk against the leader like that. In some countries you would get hung for that. Oh Situation. Delusions of grandeur. Delusions.

Everyone is happy that Angelina is gone. I’m pretty sure that includes the viewing audience. The guys waste no time making plans to get her bed out of their room and enjoy the extra space.

Next week! The bed is removed from the house completely. Snooki wants to talk to Sammi about THE NOTE. And Mike tries to rob a girl from Vinny... again.

So what did you think? Who’s sad to see Angelina go? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

No comments: