Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Jersey Shore: Situation Saturation

"Why isn't anyone DTF? Is it my vest? Nah."

Welcome back to Jersey Shore! Let's jump right in.

Sitchy D wake up bright and early the morning following Angelina’s departure and they are SO happy to be done with her that they decide to pull her dirty bed out of their room and out of the house. It’s one of those Euro beds with the slats instead of a box spring and Sitch is delighted to point out that one of the slats is broken - implying of course that Angelina is a heifer. They seem to think that they can defy physics by fitting the bed frame through the door to their room when it is obviously much too large and needs to be dismantled.

"Maybe if we use the grease from our hair and skin..."

Apparently dismantling is for losers so they just keep pulling on the frame until pieces begin to fall off, then they take the pieces outside. Wow, don’t call these two if you ever need home repairs.

Your front door after Sitchy D helps you.

Pauly D tells us that now that they have more space they can bring girls in their room. Space never stopped you guys before. Neither did Angelina. This bedroom has always been a revolving whore door. They come across a pair of Angelina’s shoes and toss them over the hedges onto the street, setting off a car alarm. Remember what is was like to be 14 and think stuff like that was funny? Well Sitchy D still does. Destruction of property is hilarious!

To further celebrate, Sitchy D purchase lobsters to cook for dinner. Uh oh. Remember Snooki on her soapbox last season about eating animals that are alive when you kill them? She’s a vet tech, you know. She SAVES lobsters, she doesn’t eat them. I’m sure a lot of lobsters came through the veterinarian’s office with broken claws or needing their shots. As such she and Jwoww fill a large bowl with water and “rescue” one of the lobsters from the shopping bags. They will call him Charlie and he will sleep in their room. Maybe in Snooki’s bed.

"Please, for the love of everything, just eat me."

Snooki figures they can feed him insects and worms. Does she think it’s a bird? Lobsters live in the OCEAN. Thus, they also can not survive in fresh water. And just like that, Charlie in his bowl of fresh water is dead. Before Snooki even had a chance to hunt for worms and insects. I actually googled this because I’ve never interacted with live lobsters. Putting them in fresh water is listed as a humane way to kill them if you don’t like the idea of boiling them alive. Fresh water will drown them. So Snooki, proudly sporting her lifeguard sweatshirt, drowns her lobster trying to save him. Shouldn’t Miss Vet Tech be attempting artificial resuscitation right about now?

"No lobsters will perish on my watch!"

Dinner time! It’s the first family dinner minus Angelina and everyone but Sammi seems pleased. Sitch pops some champers and Pauly D keeps doing this highly obnoxious nasal sing-songy “Oh yeah!” call. Sammi frets that without Angelina she’s all alone and what’s she going to do, be up Ronnie’s ass all the time? Um, and that would make today different from any other day how exactly?

"I wonder if Ronnie still thinks I'm pretty."

Snooki and Jwoww discuss the Sammi problem and Snooki thinks it’s time to bury the hatchet. Jwoww is ambivalent since Sammi was such a prissy bitch about the whole NOTE episode. Nonetheless Snooki sits Sammi down and tells her she’s sorry about the NOTE and that she wants to move on. Sammi says okay, but she’s still mad at Jwoww. Oh THAT makes sense. When Jwoww enters the room Sammi goes silent and starts pulling on her eyelashes. Snooki pets her hair and Jwoww does some faux grooming as well. AWKWARD. Is it because of the fist fight?

...

...

Okay then!

Jwoww even apologizes, but Sammi blows it off as insincere. There is talk of a girls’ outing to get nails done, but Jwoww decides she’s tried hard enough to be nice to Sammi and she’s over it. Word. Sammi’s the worst.

Okay so figure this out. The next day Vinny is on the phone with Ramona, the club dancer who totally stood him up a couple of episodes back.

"Yeah so I have this STUPID place to go and I guess I need a date..."

He invites her to go to the beach with him and she agrees, but we all saw what Ramona’s word meant last time. Vinny puts together a picnic basket (how romantic) and gets comfortable waiting. No Ramona. She had said she’d meet him in a half hour and pretty soon it’s been a couple of hours. He calls and gets her voicemail - just like last time, so he goes back to sulking/waiting. Does this scene look familiar? The phone finally rings but it’s not Ramona, it’s some other “hot ass girl” that he met who knows where. She, too, wants to go to the beach! Vinny decides to give Ramona five more minutes (Ha! After more than two hours!?) and then he’ll go with ho #2. Five minutes comes and goes, so Vinny calls the other girl back and says it’s on. Then just as he’s about to walk out the door the Flake du jour calls him back saying she’s looking for him. Vinny immediately feels as though he has reached Pauly D status, with two conflicting whore appointments. Oh yeah, you’re the man now, dog! (-Sean Connery.) He’s leaping around near the phone table in a burst of douche-related energy.

"Here's my chance to be stood up twice simultaneously!"

Vinny chooses the hard-to-get whore. No surprise there. She’s the one he’s had to chase. During the ever-so-sweet beach picnic we learn that Romona is from Romania. Hmm, I guess that would be like me being named Americus. She’s taller than Vinny but he concludes that she’s feeling him. I don’t know, Vinny. I’d guess this is probably a typical day for Americus. Some guy declaring the she’s the love of his life. She probably lives on 8th and Ocean with all the other models and attends monthly “Model’s for Jesus” meetings too.

In other news, Snooki’s friend Ryder is coming for a visit. She came last season as well and she and Snooki made out in the hot tub. She’s on the phone now, drunkenly announcing to Snooki that she’ll be there tomorrow, but she’s too drunk to know when her flight is or when she needs to be at the airport. Snooki’s worried that Ryder’s not going to make it.

"She's such a drunk whore. We're like twins."

She remains worried until Ryder knocks on the door the next morning, having somehow managed to get to the airport, onto a plane, into a cab and over to the Guido House in one piece. Party time! These two are the definition of drinking buddies. All they do together is get trashed and act ridiculous. There is some entertainment value for US, however.

Especially when this is how they start the afternoon.

That night the whole gang heads to Klutch so that Snooki can dance on a couch and show us her yellow panties.

Look away.

Can she please knock that off? Not cool. Every girl needs a friend like Ryder who pulls your mini dress down over your crotch when you’re exposing yourself. The guys start complaining that Klutch is full of grenades tonight. This doesn’t stop Sitch from making numerous unwanted advances. He tells us that once upon a time there was a prophecy saying that one day there would be the pimp of all pimps and he would be called The Situation. I think that one actually went “gimp of all gimps,” but it’s an easy mistake. Sitch is mostly pissing girls off and Sammi observes, telling Ronnie that if she were to ever meet Sitch, she would be like, “hell no.” Ronnie reminds her that she DID meet Sitch and she made out with him. HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! In your face, Sammi!

"You're TRAUMATIZING me Ronnie."

Here is how Sitch’s night is going:

FAIL.

Pauly D is loving looking sweet in comparison to Sitch so he’s taking advantage of girls who are not Rocio. Where is she this week? Where is our rarest rose? Since Sitch isn’t having any luck, he decides it’s time for EVERYONE to call it quits and go home. Snooki has met a young man she would like to spend time with, so she’s not ready to leave. Sitch doesn’t like this at all and keeps telling her they have to go home. Snooki isn’t having it and pretty soon they’re screaming at each other. I don’t get this. Can’t Sitch go home without her? She’s fully grown and capable of hailing a cab. I think he’s sour grapes over the hook up situation. Snooki is irritated, but she’s drunk so her emotions are totally magnified. She’s acting extraordinarily betrayed and keeps repeating that Mike is ruining everything. Even later sitting on her bed she is near hysteria, saying he’s ruined it, he’s ruined it all. Ryder’s sort of like, “What’s the problem? We’ll just do it all again tomorrow.” Calm down, Snooks. It’s not like he brought home another lobster.

After everyone has slept off the night’s ickiness the girls are going somewhere to lie by a pool and drink. This presents Sammi with a MAJOR dilemma. Does she go and endure being near Jwoww, who betrayed her ultimately (by cluing her in on the truth)? Or does she sit at home waiting for Ronnie to come home from his shift at the gelato shop (where he was probably gathering phone numbers)? This is a tough one. She needs to remember not to be up Ronnie’s ass all the time. Well, what do you know, she decides to stay home and then when Ronnie gets home she follows him around and keeps asking him if she made the right decision by not going with the girls. Did she, did she, did she, did she, did she, did she? Good job staying out of his ass, Sammi. Ronnie, of course, could care less about Sammi’s decision and even shares with us that she’s acting crazy and annoying. Sammi? No way.

"Should I take a nap too, Ronnie? Or not? Should I? Should I? Or not?"

We get a funny scene later where Snooki and Ryder list off every last item in the kitchen trying to figure out what kind of cocktail they can make. Remember that Snooki had no clue what tomato paste was when she wanted to make pasta. They should play it safe and just take shots, but they’re already a few sheets to the wind after their pool outing, so they’re determined to invent a recipe. It looks like they put Nutella (from Canada) and ice cream into a blender with some sort of alcohol. But the only bottle on the counter looks like wine, so that’s gross. Oh no, there’s vodka or something clear. It’s still gross, though, so they head out shopping for mixers. On the way home they run into Sitchy D. Sitch grazes Snooki’s cheek with his mouth and says he’s sorry about last night. She decides that isn’t good enough and she’s still mad at him for acting like a babysitter and a buzzkill.

Tonight is Round 2 at Klutch! Before leaving, Jwoww, Snooki and Ryder each feel each other’s boobs. I guess they’re comparing real vs. fake. This is a very strange little encounter, so I’m going to chalk it up to Breast Cancer Awareness Month and move on. They’ve done their duty for each other’s health.

Saving second base.

We actually end up at Tantra, not Klutch, and Americus has surfaced again to hang out with Vinny. Mike spots her and starts talking again about what a dangerous pimp he is. What an ass. As soon as Vinny goes to the bathroom Mike is all up on Americus trying to “pull a robbery.” Luckily for Vinny Americus is onto Sitch’s game and won’t allow it.


Why is Mike being such a douche? Does he just think he’s entitled to the hottest girl - or any girl he sees? Why would he do that to his friend? Vinny’s pissed and remembers other times Mike has swooped in on girls he was talking to. I know Mike thinks it’s Vinny’s own fault if he can’t hold a girl’s interest, but imagine if the tables were turned.

Despite all of his efforts, Sitch is having another girl-free evening and he’s not happy about it!

Witness the mofo P.I.M.P.

Time to round everyone up and go home. If Sitch isn’t having fun, no one gets to have fun! But first he makes a desperate attempt at getting some and tries to make out with Snooki. We went there once last year in the hot tub and it wasn’t pretty. Snooki shoves him away and now Mike has reached a new low - being DENIED by Snooki. This is the final straw and he is determined that everyone must go home. When Snooki won’t go and gets sassy he swats her in the mouth. It’s not hard at all, but it’s completely douchey and totally inappropriate. She keeps saying he slapped her in the face, which isn’t exactly accurate, but she’s rightfully pissed off. Mike makes a total fool of himself screaming at everyone who won’t go home with him, which is everyone. No one’s done clubbin yet. He’s turning everyone against him tonight, acting like a little bitch. Jwoww and Snooki are the most annoyed and getting very worked up. Ugh, don’t let him ruin ANOTHER evening, you guys. Just ignore the idiot. But he has convinced himself that he’s the leader of the pack and that everyone should do as he commands. We may be reaching Sitch Saturation levels.

"You're ruining my entire freakin' LIFE!"

Next week! Mike picks a fight since he can’t get laid. Then he burns the kitchen down and the fire department shows up. Then later Mike CONTINUES to strike out with the ladies.

What’s up with the stupid Situation? And Sammi... no, I can’t even go there.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

3 comments:

Tasha said...

Oh man...this was fantastic! Thank you for the update! I only saw half of this episode. Your version is much better than the actual show.

jen said...

heheheeh you left out the part where snooks and ryder "communicate" with each other through random grunts and squawks their own ostrich language! :) totally weirded out by that, btw.

Anonymous said...

I notice he get all pist when he gets denied Hello he treats the women there like dumb belss, and I notice when he gets drunk he will F
anything Snooky is like the 6am DTF chick in the series. I hate them but i love to watch i guess it works !