Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Jersey Shore: No Space for the Guidos

Notice the use of latex gloves... to trim his eyebrows.

Let’s pick up right where we left off, shall we?

So here we are back in da club with Sitch pouting up a storm and trying to get everyone to give up and go home. Snooki and Jwoww are pissed. Snooki can’t believe Sitch would act this way when Ryder, of all people, is in town. It looks like Sitch prevails because pretty soon everyone is in a cab going home.

"When The Situation is done, everyone is done."

Snooki is whining the entire time so I don’t really get why she agreed to come home. Ryder’s still like, “Whatever.”

Vinny is dragging Americus with him when he walks in the house and he points to the phone and tells her that’s where he waited three hours for her to stand him up.

"And those are the tissues I wiped my tears with."

Wow Vinny, way to play it cool and not look pathetic at all. Americus giggles and Vinny tells us he likes girls he has to chase. No kidding, you’re male. Aaaaand you just showed her the phone you sit and wait by. He goes on, saying he doesn’t want the girls who come up to him, he wants the girls that every guy wants. Men are very predictable. I guess Americus figures that Vinny has chased her enough because she’s ready to give it up tonight.

The next morning Sitch wants to make nice with Snooki. He crawls onto her bed and tries to blow the whole thing off by saying he was in a bad mood and didn’t want to leave her alone because she was drunk.

"Just take the cash and have sex with me. Please?"

Snooki’s like, “Whatever. Ryder’s in town. Don’t ever do that to me again.” Oh he won’t Snooks... until he has another night of striking out.

Vinny is walking Americus out to a cab and telling us that he’s caught some feelings for her. He thinks she’s very special because she wasn’t DTF the first night he met her. He says they have a strong connection. He even tells Sammi he would wife up for Americus. Oh my gosh, Vinny. Calm down. It’s been what, ten minutes? I can smell your desperation through the TV.

Later Snooki, Jwoww and Ryder (she’s in town, you know) toast each other with shots as Snooki cries because Ryder is leaving.

"We'll never see each other again!"

She’s quite inconsolable as she and Jwoww sit out on the patio. Good grief, Snooki, don’t you only have a few days left in Miami? She starts talking about going home, which sends Jwoww into a panic, saying if Snooki goes, she goes. With one week left? Pull yourselves together, ladies! Ryder will still be in Poughkeepsie next week. Vinny steps in to try to comfort Snooki and tells her he’s there for her. Snooki says that she loves Vinny and he’s like her big brother... except usually you don’t have sex with your big brother. Somehow I think Snooki might if she’d had enough shots. She gets very confused. Party’s heeeeeeere!

Jwoww has come up with the perfect antidote for Snooki’s depression! She has secured the gang entry tonight at a club called Space. Apparently Space is the club where the gorilla juiceheads gather and the party goes until 2 PM the next day. She surprises Snooki with the news and Snooki squeals and runs through the house, excited to finally meet some sweaty guidos in Miami. Pauly D orders the cabs to pick them up at 1 AM to take them to Space. Geez, that’s last call in L.A. Sometimes it sucks to have the fun end at 2 AM, but seriously. When the sun starts rising on your night of partying and you start seeing the busted people who are still boozing it up, you wish you’d gone home earlier. This happens in Vegas, and there’s a reason it stays in Vegas.

T-shirt taaaaaaaaaaaime! Vinny has composed a poem for the occasion:

If you got the fattest gear
And no one can come into your atmosphere
Then you’re a part of t-shirt time.
And you will be until we yell, “Cabs are here!”

Wow, Vinny must have studied literature.

Okay, hold everything because we are being presented with a monumental Jwoww clubbing outfit. This is on the same level as her bedazzled “Jwoww” panties. She’s wearing a black mesh micro skirt and top, both lined with hot pink. And I do mean mesh. You can full on see the entirety of her fake boobs. I mean, it’s fishnet underwear with sleeves.

"It's from the Low-Priced Hooker line I'm designing."

Snooki goes, “So Jenni comes out in her outfit and I’m like, ‘This girl’s an effing whore... but that’s why I love her. She looks like the ultimate stripper and she’s very hot.’”

"Why didn't I bring my clown whore corset to Miami?"

I love it when I try to look cute and my friends tell me I’m dressed like a stripper. Off to Space!

It really is Space because our guidos act like they have returned to their mother ship. There is house music to which they can beat up the beat, but it isn’t doing the trick for Snooki, who is having words with some other clubgoers. She calls them “wannabe guidos,” but I don’t think there is any such thing. Wannabe guidos? Can’t you just BE one? You don’t have to be Italian, as Snooki has proven. Anyway a girl lunges for Snooki, but her friends stop her and everyone tries to calm Snooki down.

"I'm just as guidette as you are, ho!"

Until Sitch comes along. A possible fight? Sitch is in! Especially when he sees that the guys in question are smaller than he is. Here is his chance to be a hero! He starts a screaming match, which is quickly cut short by Space Security, who tell our guidos they’re jettisoned. Effective immediately. They haven’t even been here in Mecca for an hour yet. Wah wah wah!

Pauly D grabs onto two girls on the way out so hopefully his night isn’t ruined entirely. He and Sitch take the girls back to the house while the rest of the roommies go on to another club to see if they can manage to behave. Pauly D tells us these girls know the deal and the only reason they were chosen is because they’re DTF. So the four of them head into one bedroom - even though no one else is home - and Sitch begins his Obnoxious Show. Side note: these two girls have the most annoying baby voices I’ve ever heard on this show. And this show includes Sammi. Who on earth talks like this? Anyway, after nearly smothering his girl under his blanket, Sitch discovers that she has only been with one guy... ever. This means she’s not about to give it up to his skanky butt. The second this realization sets in, Sitch tells her she has to go in the other room by herself because he’s going to sleep. He hands her a Vitamin Water and she asks if they can go in the hot tub.

At least ONE of them is trying to be a good wingman.

HA! Remember last season when they always took the girls in the hot tub first? I guess they finally learned to skip that step, but Sitch is in no mood right now and tells this girl to forget about the hot tub because he doesn’t want to waste his time on a girl who won’t give it up. He is SUCH a creep when things don’t go his way. This just about sums up what he thinks of women, too. His mother must be so proud. The girl is super irritating, acting like she maybe led Sitch on, saying she feels bad and he should have found an easier girl. Shut up, whatever your name is! Don’t reinforce his delusion! He goes, “I know, I should have. I’m going to sleep.” Wow. Then he starts yelling at her not to come home with a guy at 5 AM and expect to just play checkers. Oh, so now she OWES it to him to sleep with him because of the time? Her friend realizes she can’t leave her girl like this (or she doesn’t want to have sex in front of Mike), so she gets up to leave. Pauly D is pissed because Mike didn’t even try to be a good wingman for him, but once again spoiled everyone’s night when he didn’t get his way. Pauly D says he needs a friend who can take one for the team, entertain a grenade, or even decipher a bomb if necessary. It’s DIFFUSE, boys. DIFFUSE! Sitch can’t “decipher” his own shoelaces.

The next day Vinny calls Americus to come meet him at the beach. Pauly D is going to come along with Rocio. Wait, WHAT? Rocio is still in the picture? And Paul D is mad that Mike didn’t help him doink the baby voice? What the what? I so don’t relate to how guys think. Anyway Pauly D is telling Vinny that he could have used his help last night while Sitch was chasing away the women. Meanwhile Mike is out on the patio telling Jwoww how he was trying really hard to take one for the team for Pauly D, but at the last minute decided he just couldn’t sleep with the grenade. He totally makes it sound like he was so turned off by her fug that he made the girls leave. Uh, Mike? It was filmed. You really need to get a grip on reality.

At the beach Americus plays volleyball in her bikini, proving that she’s fun, athletic AND a pole dancer, so she’s the best of every world. And here comes Rocio, totally oblivious to last night’s goings on.

"I prayed for you when I went to church last night, Pauly."

Then just as the double date gets underway smoothly, Sammi and freaking Ronnie come along to totally bum everyone out. Sammi is all excited that there are other little couples to hang out with, oh how precious. Maybe she can start a massive group fight.

"I'm going to write Rocio an anonymous NOTE."

It looks like Mike is working on one of his multi-course family meals and in the process he takes a pan directly from the stove to under the tap, sending up clouds of smoke and setting off the fire alarm. Apparently the Metropole fire alarm is wired up to the Miami Fire Dept because in marches a team of firefighters to see what these idiots have done. Jwoww hopes they are actually strippers, but no such luck. They just want the alarm to stop beeping so they can get back to the firehouse and finish watching the game. And none of them want their faces on this show. Snooki and Jwoww drool, but the firemen are totally not interested and they go on their way.

"There's no fire, but this place is crawling with bacteria. We should hose it down anyway."

After dinner Vinny pontificates to the group about his good fortune in meeting Americus. He says that he and Pauly D knew that if they were going to find women it would be in Miami because they like exotic girls. Ha ha ha! That’s so funny for some reason. I guess Americus IS an exotic dancer, so there’s that. No I know she’s from Romania. Sammi sees an opportunity to make this about her and says, “I’m exotic looking, right?” Um, maybe in Africa you are, Sammi. Ronnie goes, “You look Asian. I like it.” Uh oh.

"Asian? I thought you said I look Oriental!"

First of all... huh? Asian? Sammi even says she’s gotten that before. From who, blind people? More importantly, though, it seems that Ronnie has an ex-girlfriend who is Asian so he just lit the fuse for another ridiculous bout of Sammi vs. Ronnie. She storms outside to pout and I don’t have the willpower to care about this fight. We’re skipping it. Fast forward!

Ah, here we go. Jwoww is making a chart on the chalkboard to figure out how many of the roommates have “crossed spit” by making out with each other.

"Then if I multiply x to the fifth power and add pi..."

This is pretty gross and Snooki and Angelina have made out with all the guys but Ronnie. It ends up that they’ve all crossed spit, officially making their house a petri dish. When did Snooki hook up with Pauly D?

Vinny and Sitch go to GTL and we learned earlier in the episode that Sitch is in the habit of parking anywhere he feels like. This time it didn’t work out because after being in the tanning salon for 10 minutes the car is towed. That’s pretty awesome and Sitch totally deserves it. Vinny is stuck with him, but whatever. He probably didn’t say anything while Mike was pulling into the towing zone. So Sitch calls the number on the sign and says, “I’ve got a situation, sir. My car has been uh... um... uh... uh...” Vinny goes, “Towed!” OMG, what a moron.

"I need to find one of those places where I show them a card and they give me money out of my account. What are they called?"

They can get their car back to the tune of $175 and Sitch keeps asking if he can get a discount since it’s only been 10 minutes. I once stopped some jerks from towing my car just before they got it onto their truck and the only way I could get them to take their equipment off my car was to give them $100 cash. There’s no mercy in the towing business, but at least I wasn’t stranded alone in a parking lot in the middle of the night. And now these two clowns wander all over Miami on foot looking for the tow lot. Sitch is all bummed about losing $175 but from what I’ve read he’s raking in the millions just for showing up in front of various cameras and acting like the creep that he is. Life just isn’t fair.

Tonight it’s off to Tantra, but it’s just MVP on the scene this time. Americus is there - working. Rocio is... who knows where? Pauly D and Sitch find two blonde ho’s with giant knockers from “Canadia” as Sitch says, so they hurry them into a cab to see if maybe tonight they will get lucky. Vinny brings Americus home. He seriously thinks he’s going to marry her. And all because she stood him up. Take notes, ladies.

I hope Rocio lights another candle for this jerk.

And Sitchy D try to get the blonde hookers to put on some of their sweats as pajamas because this should lead to sex. I think the pajama method is what replaced last season’s hot tub method. So they offer up clothes and Sitch’s girl comes out with the news that she has a fiance. HA! No joy in Mudville! Let me guess, Sitch. She’s a grenade right? You would never get with her anyway, right? So the engaged one says they’re leaving in five minutes and Sitch is like, “Then you might as well leave right now!” like a six-year-old, “And take your dollies with you!” Well what do you know? The girls agree and they get up to leave. As they walk out the door one of them says, “Douchebag!” Ding ding! Pauly D loses again! Dude, what about Rocio? I guess I’m kind of resigned to the fact that I’ll never understand. And Mike has gotten nothing. For the last two episodes. Totally by choice, though. It was all his choice.

Next week is the season finale! Mike tries AGAIN to get some play and the roommies have a big fight it looks like. Sweet!

Okay, Sitch has really grated on my nerves these last two episodes. He is one big spoiled mood swing. It’s like now that Angelina’s gone he’s reached new douche levels. What up wid dat?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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