Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Jersey Shore: One Last Dig

"You're kidding me right now. Honestly."

Aw, it’s the final episode of season 2 with our adored guido idiots. But instead of spending every minute clubbing, they are taking time out today to go on a nice guided tour of the Florida Everglades. They’re going to see alligators, or as Pauly D says, “Crocodiles, alligators... whatever you want to call them.” I would want to call them alligators because alligators are smaller. I think. And I think that’s what’s in Florida. I can’t imagine what I would do if I saw a crocodile in the wild. Besides faint. Pauly D is in annoying mode, screaming, “Oh yeah! Everglades yeah!” In the nasal sing-songy crap he does. Quiet down, Pauly D. Oh wait then he makes a funny comment about the propeller on the air boat.

Scanning the surface for crocs...

He says that he wishes he could use it to do his blowout because then he’d be done in 10 minutes instead of 25. Ha! An alligator swims right up to the boat and it’s pretty freaky. Probably just as freaky as a crocodile, now that I think about it. And it doesn’t look small. Do you think these alligators are used to humans staring at them so they come around hoping for food?

When the boat pulls up to a dock the boys all start freaking out and jump out of the boat, squealing like they saw a mouse. The girls all stay in the boat laughing at them. It turns out the insects here are huge and the guys were trying to get away. These guys are such wimps. They’re probably worried that the bugs will mess up their hair.

But Pauly, you could redo it in 10 minutes with the propeller!

Next up is lunch! And the cafe on-hand is serving frogs, alligator and catfish. And we’re not talking about dainty little frog legs, like the French eat. We’re talking an entire frog that someone plucked out of a swamp, dipped in batter and deep fried. It’s disgusting.

Jabba the Hut lunch special

This would be like going to the zoo then at the end of the day eating the monkeys and elephants. You just saw them in their natural habitat! Jwoww points out that frogs eat flies and there is yet another reason not to eat them. She hates frogs anyway, but watching her roommates eat them is enough to send her to the restroom to vomit.

Driving home all those frogs that Sitch sucked down are catching up with him and he makes Ronnie pull over so that he can regurgitate his crispy lunch. So gross. Who wants to make out?

At home Pauly D calls his rarest rose Rocio to see if she’ll have one last dinner date with him. She will, of course, and Vinny wants to do the same thing with Americus. Being that Vinny is totally in love and all, he makes a dinner reservation for 8:00 and then proceeds to sit around the house and wait for Americus to show up. Hasn’t he learned by now? Americus is NEVER on time if she comes at all! Vinny, you should have told her an hour earlier than the actual time. Keep up!

"If I didn't love that slut so much I would freaking kill her."

After Vinny comes close to tears fearing that he is being stood up yet again, Americus FINALLY calls to tell him she’s almost ready. Almost ready? OMG, this girl has never known anything except being waited for. Hasn’t she ever had to hurry? Or even be punctual? Vinny is not amused. He goes, “Be here ASAP, come on!” Vinny waxes sentimental to us about thinking he would be banging everyone in sight, but all he wants to do is take Americus on a date. Like this makes him a sensitive hero. I wonder how long he would think her perpetual tardiness is cute. He already seems to be over it. Then he tells us that he wants Americus to know that he DOESN’T treat girls like this. AT ALL. Okay, I get that what he means is that she should feel special, but if a guy told me after being sweet that usually he treats girls like crap, I would not be impressed. See, nice guys are nice. Period. I don’t buy the whole, “I’m a jerk but I’ll be nice to you” routine because then the guy always ends up feeling like you should be grateful to him for going out of his way and he’ll end up being a jerk anyway because, well, he’s a jerk. Not flattering. Red flag territory. They discuss what is going to happen when Vinny goes home and it’s basically nothing. She tells him not to look at club dancers in New York and he says that they’ll all remind him of her. Ha! He’ll be off at strip clubs insisting he’s just paying homage to his long lost sweetheart. They kiss goodbye and Americus goes off to meet up with her next date.

"Gotta go, Vinny! I'm almost an hour late for my... um... appointment!"

Pauly D and Rocio are having a similar evening and Pauly D lists off to us all of the wonderful things he’s done for Rocio (conveniently leaving out all of the other hook-up attempts) and says he’d really like to have a girlfriend. Rocio says she hopes the distance won’t ruin everything, but Pauly D says they’ll make it work. I hope Rocio is up for the idea of an open relationship or else there’s going to be some speedy disappointment.

"So yeah, I'll bang other chicks, but I'll only care about you."

They kiss goodbye and Pauly D says he doesn’t want to “smash it out” with Rocio because she’s not that kind of girl. That’s just special. Of course, he WOULD “smash it out” with just about anyone else who is willing. That’s true love.

Ronnie and Sammi are also having their final Miami dinner and needless to say it turns into a fight and we’ll just leave it at that. You know the drill. Oh, but I will point out one thing Ronnie says that I hate. He tells Sammi, “How about you be a grown-up, a 23-year-old woman.” I’m not about to defend Sammi and I know she’s insane, but I had an ex-boyfriend who would say that to me and it is so demeaning. Like I remember once we were driving somewhere and I said I was hungry and he said, “Can you be an adult and wait 15 minutes?” What a creep. Just had to point that out. Next!

The roommies are all at home waiting to hit the town one last time, but they can’t leave because they are waiting for Ronnie and Sammi who are out on the patio... fighting of course. Vinny finally just yells at them that it’s time to go. And it’s off to b.e.d., how surprising. Ugh and the fight continues. It ends as always, and they’re back to sucking each other’s faces off. Wouldn’t you two be more comfortable in some sort of asylum?

Elsewhere these two dirty looking girls are all up on Vinny, asking him if they’re going to get it in and promising him the threesome of a lifetime. He tells us they’re okay, they’re not the prettiest girls, but sometimes two grenades add up to one hot chick. Oh is that the rule for the next five minutes? He’s all flummoxed now because what about his feelings for Americus? What about being a jerk to everyone but her? Vinny grabs Pauly D to find out what he should do. Pauly D is like, “Uh, what’s the problem?” because we all know that rarest rose or not, Pauly D would be all over that.

"...Unless you're worried they might be trannies."

But Vinny isn’t so sure. Maybe he doesn’t want to go back to being mean to girls just yet. Then he says very intently to the camera, “When you actually have a good girl out there, say NO to ho’s.” Ha ha ha ha ha! As if Americus isn’t busy getting money shoved into her panties.

Sitch sees Vinny wavering and immediately jumps in to scoop up the leftovers yet once again. These girls clearly just want some camera time because they barely even notice that Sitch took Vinny’s place and they shove their tongues down his throat without missing a beat. Sitch acts like a hero warrior, of course, when all he really is is a dog waiting for crumbs from a table he can’t reach. The three of them retire to a bathroom stall and the alleged threesome takes place.

Hygiene, schmygiene.

Okay what? How? I am certainly no expert on the art of the threesome, but wouldn’t you need more room? I’m even confused when two people manage to make something happen in a tiny public stall, but how did three? It’s a riddle wrapped in an enigma. And the puzzle that will end our final evening of clubbing.

Okay, maybe Pauly D DOES have some standards.

The next day Jwoww is being a sweet big sister type by cleaning out the sure-to-be disgusting refrigerator. At least she’s wearing latex gloves.

...Which might be a good idea at all times, by the way.

It seems that Snooki has been nominated to make dinner again. This time there is no tomato paste involved so she may have a chance. She goes out to the hot tub where Sammi and Ronnie are making a baby and asks Sammi to come help her make tacos. Sammi immediately just says no. Without even considering it. MAN she sucks. Snooki goes back in and Vinny says he’ll help her. That’s about it, but Sitch walks by and goes outside to tell Sammi that everyone inside is talking crap about her. Shut UP, Sitch. You suck too. Aren’t there some homeless women nearby willing to have a threesome with you in a dumpster?

So Sammi goes inside and does this over-the-top fake “I’m here to help you!” bitchy act. She mumbles passive-aggressively while she browns the meat and pouts.

"I owe Snooki nothing. Ronnie is the one who was always there for me."

Snooki goes outside to commiserate with Jwoww, who tells her to let it go because Sammi is never going to be decent. I don’t know how Jwoww can keep her cool with Sammi around being awful all the time. I commend her. Over dinner, Sitch continues his quest to hurt people’s feelings and offers to give Ronnie a trophy for all of his slutty behavior during the first couple of weeks at the house.

"Any reaction? Anything?"

Then he wants to give a trophy to the person who has done the least in the house, which makes Sammi tense all up. What are you worried about, Sammi? You were so nice about helping with dinner!

And later, the activity for all of the roommies for their final night in Miami is... taking shots and insulting each other! Woohoo! Out comes Vinny with the question bowl and says they’re going to name all the most likelys. Like most likely to succeed, etc. Pauly D starts writing and goes, “How do you spell ‘likely?’” And we’re off! Vinny asks who has been the life of the party this year and when everyone decides on Snooki, Sitch is visibly pissed. Isn’t he their fearless leader, after all? Pauly D gets most likely to get skin cancer. Sitch says Vinny is most likely to be a follower because last year he didn’t hang out with Sitchy D, but THIS year all of a sudden he wanted to. Ronnie says Sitch is just mad because Vinny “pulled a robbery” with Pauly D, taking him from Sitch. What is Sitch’s problem tonight? He must feel very sub par to try to make everyone else mad like this. The yelling starts, but then Jwoww stops everyone dead in their tracks by saying straight to Sitch’s face, “We all know who the fakest one in the house is.” Whoa! Now that Sitch isn’t the insult ringleader he’s pissed and wants to know who had the nerve to call him fake. He tells us it’s no wonder that people waited until the last day to call him fake because if they had done it in the first couple of weeks they would have been isolated. Oh yeah, sure. It’s so funny how he thinks his little asides to the camera are going to save face when in reality they just make him a bigger buffoon. Sitch retaliates, saying the fakest person isn’t Angelina since she’s gone. It’s Jwoww. I know you are but what am I? Right Sitch?

The guys and Sammi go in the hot tub and Jwoww and Snooki start rehashing the “fake” conversation. Snooki tells Jwoww that Sitch called her fake and Vinny and Pauly D agreed with him. Well, now it’s on, so Jwoww pulls Sitch aside and says Pauly D called HIM fake. Sitch runs back to Pauly D and tells him what Jwoww said and in about 30 seconds everyone is gathered around the hot tub screaming at the top of their lungs. Who called whom fake? Who’s fake? Who’s real? Who said it? WHO CARES??? You’re all drunk, this is so stupid. Pauly D screams louder than I’ve ever heard him scream.

His rage is turning him a deep tomato orange/red.

Don’t these people have neighbors? Certainly other people live in this Metropole building. When things finally calm down Snooki is still upset because she feels like she came off as the troublemaker. She lashes out at Jwoww for making her look bad. She says she’s so worked up that her blood pressure is “off the roof.”

Through the roof? Off the charts?

Doesn’t everyone understand that she’s just trying to have a good time right now? She’s in her bedroom whining at a high pitch and everyone else is sitting in the living room listening to her and shaking their heads. When Sammi tries to pipe up Ronnie goes, “Whatever, mind your business.” OMG, it’s funny and degrading at the same time. Does Sammi have daddy issues or something? Why would she want a boyfriend who talks to her like that?

Finally Sitch realizes that he started all of this tonight and he goes outside to tell Snooki that everyone’s already forgotten about the whole thing and no one’s mad at her. He scoops her up and brings her inside. And look, now he’s the glorious peacemaker. Maybe that’s why he picks fights, so he can stop them and be the giver of mercy. Anyway, fine, it’s over. Let’s get on with it.

"Come on Snooks. It's time for my grand finale."

The final breakfast is prepared by Sitch, of course, and he pops some champagne to toast to goodbye. I’m surprised he doesn’t spray it in everyone’s face so that he can wipe it off and be their loving caretaker. As Pauly D packs, he finds HEAPS of phone numbers he collected while he was here. I guess he’s only taking the rarest rose’s number with him. Gotta have room in his pockets for all those New York numbers! As everyone gathers in the living room, the first cab arrives to take Ronnie and Sammi away. Thank goodness. Nobody wanted to spend anymore time with those two. Sammi bawls to the camera that Ronnie hurt her and embarrassed her, but they’re good now. Oh yeah, you’re good now. Until the next time you try to have a conversation. There are hugs all around. Except Sammi won’t hug Jwoww. What a brat. I hope she’s mortified watching all this.

Well Sammi was betrayed, boys. Betrayed.

Jwoww says Sammi is pathetic, but with what Ronnie is sure to do to her in the future, she’ll realize who was really trying to be there for her all along. Word. I would totes be friends with Jwoww. Even in her mesh prostitute outfit.

A crow lands on the patio, so the guido gang takes this as a bad omen. Snooki says that the crow quacked at them, which means someone is going to die. But it won’t be her. Oh Snooks, how I’ll miss your pearls of wisdom.

"I can't die before I marry a gorilla juicehead, move to Jersey and live my life."

Vinny is next to go, and he tells us that MVP left its mark on Miami and no matter what happens now MVP will live on forever. Bye Vinny. See you at your wedding. HA! Jwoww and Snooki are road tripping back up north so they kiss Sitchy D goodbye and are on their way.

"I can't wait to see those douchebags at the reunion!"

Sitchy D are also road tripping so they head off as well... into the sunset.

"Is that a grenade you just ran over?"

So that’s it! Season 2 has wrapped! I have to admit that I am completely addicted to this show and I’m excited every week to see just how they’re going to piss me off. It’s one of those catch 22’s where I’m appalled and intrigued and delighted all at the same time. Some of these characters have really grown on me - like Jwoww and Pauly D. Some of them have gotten worse - like Sammi and Ronnie. And some continue swinging on that pendulum from love to hate, sometimes many times in the same episode.

It was fun to follow our gang around Miami, but I’m excited to head back to Seaside Heights where it all began. We’ll see them in their natural habitat... then we can deep fry them and eat them. What did you guys think? Love? Hate? Heads about to pop off? Let’s hear all about it!!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

1 comment:

Tasha said...

Oh man, that Sammy needs to get her ass kicked! And I wish JWOWW had done it!
My favorite part!?!??! When Sitch goes to get Snookie and her kuka hangs out...AGAIN!!!! Thank goodness for editing!