Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Jersey Shore: Intoxication in the Public

"What did I do? I mean since I banged those other chicks, what have I done?"

Oh joy of joys we’re coming back in the middle of a Rammi fight. Sammi starts talking about owing Snooki an apology and here’s the thing. You guys have explained in the comments that the guidos got to watch season 2 as it aired while they were living in Seaside Heights filming season 3. That makes sense, but the production never bothered to explain it, so what is everyone (who doesn’t have you guys for info) supposed to think? Why would Sammi suddenly have this epiphany? I guess they assumed people would figure it out, but it’s really messing with my suspension of disbelief here. We’re not supposed to imagine them watching themselves on TV are we? We’re just supposed to assume that they get all of their information from anonymous phone calls or typed letters... right? Boo, MTV. Boo. Ronnie practically dares Sammi to go and make up with Snooki and Jwoww and he says that they (meaning Rammi) will be done with. If only.

Downstairs Jwoww is watching Snooki and Deena drink themselves into a stupor and Snooki decides she’s going to gnaw on a raw potato.

"Doesn't vodka come from potatoes? Maybe if I suck hard..."

Jwoww says she can’t remember the last time she saw Snooki sober. Snooki chews her potato saying, “It’s not beyad. Not beyad.” Plus she points out that if you’re ever stuck in a cornfield, this is what you’ll be eating. Brilliant.

"Cornfields grow potatoes too?"

Pauly D walks in saying, “Hey, blast in a gas.” Ha ha! I think Deena’s nicknames are getting a FAIL. Snooki decides that tonight she’d like to spend some time with “Seabiscuit,” apparently a nickname for Vinny’s anatomy. She’s begging him to give it up, but Vinny’s not down since Snooki’s totally trashed. He tells her she’s crossed over to the other side.

In another desperate corner we have Deena trying to get Sitch to dance with her. Snooki tells us that Deena really wants to make out with Sitch but she doesn’t want to be too forward about it. Geez, I’d hate to see her idea of forward. So Snooki’s going to be a generous friend and offer to have a threesome with Sitch and Deena to get things moving.

"I'll do you a solid, girlfriend."

Sitch acts like it’s Christmas morning - not because of Snooks and Deena, he points out, but because it’s a threesome which is every guy’s dream. But Snooki has merely been looking out for her friend and as soon as the lights go off she’s out of there. Sitch immediately realizes this isn’t what he signed up for. He tells us it’s like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, then suddenly someone pulls the chicken away and you’re just left with salt and pepper. So I guess Deena is the seasoning for Snooki? Sitch’s analogies rarely work.

Snooki runs right to Vinny’s room, but Vinny is still not down. He tells Snooki she’s acting crazy and to stop. Snooki is totally frustrated and heads for the confessional with Jwoww to complain. Jwoww reminds her that Vinny is being this way because he cares about her. Snooki’s like, “Stop caring and eff me.” You heard it here, folks! Setting womankind back decades with each episode!

"And why should we vote? We're not as smart as guys."

Meanwhile Sitch’s threesome has become a Deesome, and as soon as she gets up to use the bathroom he darts out of the bed and down to the kitchen. Then after a snack he gets in his own bed and goes to sleep. Denied again, Deena!

The next day Snooki goes with Pauly D for GTL and guess what. She’s still drunk. She squeals and giggles while she tries to climb on some sort of ladder machine.

"Do I row? How does it work?"

Then she burns her butt at the tanning salon by putting “a glob of lotion” on it. When she gets home her butt is totally burning and itching so she whines about it for a while, then sits in a mini fridge, which I guess has a cooling effect on her burning ass. I’m assuming there are edible items in that fridge, so after this they’re all going to need to be thrown out. She sits there eating something and then says, “I have to poop.” This is not cute. Snooki has her endearing moments, but I haven’t seen any lately - she’s just kind of sucking.

Next she'll leave a maxi pad on the floor.

Surprise, everyone, Sammi’s sulking in her bed! She’s absolutely positive that every time Ronnie leaves the house he’s cheating on her or doing something to betray and humiliate her. And still, they don’t bother to explain that Sammi may be in possession of new information. Ronnie saunters in and Sammi begs him to come clean with her because she knows everything. Ronnie freaks out and yells a lot, so they go out onto the patio to continue.

Interesting topic: What's under the tarp?

They might as well have stayed inside because all the roommies are gathered around to eavesdrop. Naturally Ronnie says he’s done with Sammie. Oh the suspennnzzzzzzzzzzz.

Ronnie and Sitch head for the gym and Ronnie gives his speech about being in love with Sammi and wanting to be with her (five minutes after “breaking up” with her). Sitch does his best to talk Ronnie out of Rammi.

Pauly D, Snooki and Sammi have to work at the t-shirt shop and Pauly D is mad. He complains that he doesn’t know how to sell t-shirts because he’s a DJ. OMG. He should just hang out singing “t-shirt time,” that might actually sell some shirts. But something interesting happens today at the Shore Store. Sammi takes Snooki aside and says, “I owe you an apology and I am sorry for cutting our friendship completely. It’s disgusting. I didn’t believe the right thing. But I am so wrong and you were so right the whole time. And just thank you for doing something.” That, of course, was spliced together by our lovely editors, but still, isn’t that sweet? Snooki is happy to make amends. After what amounts to a couple of “I told you so’s,” they hug it out and Snooki goes, “Waaaaah. Bitch. You’re such a whore, why were you like that?” Ah, friendship. Pauly D has been watching the whole time and he is on girl talk overload.

When they get home Sammi decides that Deena also deserves an apology, so she asks her to come sit on the couch. Pauly D flees the scene. Sammi apologizes for being a huge priss and Deena says they’ll drink Patron tonight and have a good time. All better! The only thing Deena is worried about is the animosity that still exists between Sammi and Jwoww because that leaves everyone in a rather awkward position.

"It's like a walking workday with overtime."

She tells Snooki, “You brought me into this house and Jenny has had my back since day one.” LOL, day one was like the day before yesterday. Snooki tells Jwoww about her talk with Sammi and Jwoww is like, “She didn’t apologize to me.” Good point.

Time to go to Karma! Jwoww admires how big her boobs look - did I read somewhere that she had them “worked on?” Pauly D predicts that Deena will need to be carried out of the club. She’s already trashed. Upon entering Karma, Jwoww immediately runs into Roger, a former fling who is now a friend. She strikes up a conversation and this does not bode well since she and Tom have been rocky lately.

"Your boobs look higher."

Deena tells us that dancing is her “best thing,” and she doesn’t care if people look at her funny because she loves to dance and get off of her. M’kay? Honey, they’re not looking at you funny because you’re dancing. They’re looking at you funny because you can’t stay upright. She is falling off of the stage and literally being held up by various bystanders. Oh and her panties are on full display.

"Holding me up is a blast! In a glass!"

Club security notices and tells her she’s got to leave. She’s escorted out of the club and into a cab. Sitch says he’s going to call her the Holiday Inn (instead of the walking holiday), and that six minutes and 53 seconds into the evening the Holiday Inn closed early. Thank you, Stich, for another metaphor. This one was a little better. Night night, Deena!

Sitch is having a fortuitous moment because he runs into Paula, the girl who doinked him in the hot tub in season 1 and then fell down the stairs. Tonight Paula is sporting a black sports bra and a black marabou halo. What! I wore that same outfit to dinner last night. Oh wait, it gets better. She seems to be alternating between the halo and little red devil horns. Isn’t she adorable? Obviously Sitch is trying to get her to come home with him.

Elsewhere Snooki is following Deena’s lead and falling all over the club. Jwoww continues her convo with Roger, which leads to dancing, which leads to whispering. Then this girl Lauren comes to Jwoww and tells her that Roger has a girlfriend who works at a tanning salon (of course). Coincidentally, this Lauren is the same girl who banged down the door of the shore house last summer to retrieve Paula after her night of regret with The Situation. Lauren has the unlucky job of messenger it seems.

Lauren blows up everyone's spots.

So Jwoww’s kinda pissed that Roger’s been acting all flirty and stuff when he has a girlfriend. She’s done with Roger and joins Snooki on the upper level of the club to have a little private dance party. Well wouldn’t you know, pretty soon Jwoww has to pee and doesn’t want to be bothered to go all the way downstairs to a bathroom, so she just steps behind the empty bar and pops a squat. Don’t worry, though. Lest you think she was classless and dirty, she did pick up the water fountain thing (the thing that bartenders get soda and water from, I don’t know what it’s called) and sprays down her pee.

"No evidence at all! Oh yeah, the cameras."

Ronnie and Sammi are talking about their relationship, but who cares?

Ohh, guess which other blast from the past is here! Danielle - Pauly D’s Israeli stalker! Remember the girl who “stalked his whole life” on the Boardwalk last summer?

Pauly was going to go to Israel with her.

She comes up to Pauly D from behind and throws her drink in his face, which is actually pretty funny. Vinny screams at her to get out of the club and as she’s leaving she turns around and flips them off, then takes a swing at the camera. HA! Someone saw herself on TV! Bad edit, Danielle?

Vinny and Pauly D have found two girls who are registering well on their “DTF-o-meters.” Sitch got Paula to come home - big accomplishment. Turns out Pauly D’s ho isn’t such a ho. She’s not DTF and she goes home. Mad respect, girlfriend. Vinny’s totes excited that his ho is ready to leave as soon as he’s done with her. Sweet, now he can join Ronnie on the patio at the grill.

The next morning Vinny, Ronnie and Snooki have to go in to the t-shirt shop and Snooki is NOT happy about it. It makes sense - she’s been drunk for like a week straight. Getting up in the morning can’t be a pleasant experience. She drags her corpse outside in the same dress from the night before, her huge green slippers, and a blanket.

Why employers cancel Casual Friday.

Snooki tells Danny she doesn’t feel well and Danny’s like, “no kidding, you were out partying.” She denies it. Nice try Snooks. Once work gets going all Snooki wants to do is find a beer and continue drinking. Danny finally sends her to get a coffee. Instead, Snooki goes into a bar and takes shots. What bar is open at 10 in the morning? A few minutes later Snooki is at a snack bar ordering fried pickles and sipping a Long Island Ice Tea when Danny pops up and wants to know what she’s doing.

I guess it’s later because Jwoww and Deena are on the boardwalk getting coffee for their hangovers and Snooki is back at the bar getting some old couple to do body shots. She thinks this qualifies her to be a sex therapist, by the way.

"I forgive you for blowing our retirement in Atlantic City. Thanks Snooki!"

Snooki is reaching blackout capacity and she takes off running down the boardwalk screaming “Where’s the beach!?” This is the part from the previews. She runs up to some poor unsuspecting stranger and screams “Where’s the beach?”

It’s two feet away, so she runs down onto the sand with Jwoww and Deena hot on her trail. They try to get her to come back with them, but she wants to wade into the water and act all around belligerent. Then she face plants right into the hot sand.

"I'm just looking for my keys."

It’s about this time that the local constabulary (and hordes of onlookers) take notice of what is going on. Jwoww tries to put her foot down and tell Snooki she has to leave, but Snooki is too far gone. She’s just contradicting everything anyone says. As the police try to escort Snooki back up to the boardwalk it’s kind of hilarious because huge crowds have gathered to watch what’s going on and you can hear people screaming “Snooki!” No longer just an anonymous drunk - this girl’s got fans! But while they’re walking her along, Snooki keeps mouthing off and finally the cops have had enough and put handcuffs on her. They tell Jwoww and Deena that Snooki is being arrested and she’ll be released on a summons. Poor Jwoww starts to cry. I love that hooker. She and Deena have no choice but to go home and call Snooki’s dad. Snooki tries to tell the police that she’s a good person. Yeah, they don’t care.

It takes three of them to restrain her scrawny ass.

Jwoww and Deena can’t remember what Snooki was arrested for. Drunken and indecency? Intoxication in the public? Drunken public intoxication? Public indecency? I think what the police said was “drunk and disorderly.”

The sight of a celebrity always causes a scene, officers!

Next week! Snooki’s dad is PISSED OFF! See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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