Jersey Shore: Snooki's Slump

Previously...

"If you guys want pictures with me, you just have to ask."

We catch up with Jwoww and Deena leaving the beach in tears after watching the patrol car drive away with Snooki inside of it insisting she’s a good person. Yeah, good and drunk. I wonder if the police would have cared so much if there hadn’t been crowds of people gathered, egging her on. Her fame turned the situation from a crazy girl being helped home by her friends to an entire movement. Diabolic celebrity - it’ll get you every time.

So Jwoww gets home and calls Snooki’s dad, cause you know, he might have to get involved at some point, and he is very polite but exasperated, asks Jwoww to have Snooki call him when she gets home, and calls Jwoww “honey.”

"Yes, Mr. Polizzi, sir."

The next call Jwoww makes is to Tom. She says she’s sorry for not calling him last night, then bursts into tears explaining what just happened with Snooki. Tom’s like, “She got arrested today? Then what the eff happened last night to keep you from calling!?” He starts screaming and Jwoww hangs up on him. I’m so glad she didn’t try to apologize or sit there and listen to his BS. She’s genuinely upset and all he wants to do is accuse her of something since she didn’t call last night.

The guys get home from GTL-ing and Deena tells them what happened and that she and Jwoww are about to go pick Snooki up. Sooooo, Snooki was in jail for 10 minutes? That’ll sober her up.

"Sounds like a criminal situation."

The duck quacks and it’s Tom again. Jwoww picks it up and screams at him to go eff himself then slams it down again. Love huh. Vinny puts on his dad hat and says that things with Snooki aren’t funny anymore and she’s got a real problem. She even wore her party clothes to work. As they leave to go to the jail, the roommies all yell, “Free Snooki!” LOL. She’s the new Nelson Mandela, what an inspiration. When they get her into the car Pauly D goes, “I hope that jail time changed you.” A lot can happen in 10 minutes you know. Snooki may have become someone’s bitch or even gotten a tattoo.

Snooki’s kind of embarrassed that she went to jail, but not too much. In fact, she has no idea why she even went. Jwoww tries to explain to her how she was acting and honestly, Snooki mostly seems amused by it. I’m amused by the fact that Snooki’s been home for less than five minutes and Jwoww is already wearing a “Free Snooki” shirt. At first I thought this was tricky editing, but then I remembered that these people have free reign of the t-shirt shop, so this is all very possible.

It's like this decade's "Donna Martin Graduates."

Snooki tells us that her dad is the “typical Italian crazy ass psycho dad.” You know the type. The ones who don’t want their kids getting arrested. Especially when it’s being televised. Psycho. She tells her dad that he has no idea what it felt like being in that jail cell (for 10 minutes). It was phenomenal. No not phenomenal, a train wreck. He begs her to think about what she’s doing to her body and she goes, “It’s not like I killed someone.” Yeah, YET. Daddy Snooks is not amused and tells her she should be humiliated and that if something like this happens again he will be down in person and she will be done. Done! Snooki says in baby talk, “please don’t be mad.” How is she not even a little bit ashamed? I swear this is like a badge of honor for her. Her dad says he’s disappointed in her and she seems a little put out that her dad is disappointed because it’s really going to put a damper on her partying. This girl! At least she decides to stay home tonight and sleep. Seaside Heights will be a safer community because of it.

Here’s where Jwoww pulls down Snooki’s dress and reveals that there is a mess of sand between her boobs, which, as you all pointed out, means she hasn’t showered in a while and I’m sure she IS smelling pretty gross. I mean besides everything else, 10 minutes of the last couple of days were spent in jail.

Later when it’s dark Snooks and Jwoww sit out on the patio to try to analyze what’s going on in Snooki’s head. My guess is nothing. But Snooki seems to think this is all Emilio’s fault. Remember that boyfriend she had for like three weeks at the beginning of season 2? Yes, he’s responsible for today’s public intoxication followed by jail time. Jwoww decides to be blatantly honest. She tells Snooki that she wants to find love so badly that she’ll make guys who aren’t good enough for her good enough for her. This is totally true. Well, I don’t know about not being good enough for her, but the desperation part is true. It was one of the main storylines of season 1 - Snooki wanting so badly to find that perfect guy to be with her or even just someone willing to come home and bang her. And she didn’t have much luck. Maybe now that she’s famous she’s having more luck, but the wrong kind of luck. And she’s not terribly discerning. She tells the camera in dead earnest, “It’s kind of like a disease to Snook for love. It’s worse than a staph infection. It just keeps eating at you and eating at you. And then when you don’t find a guy you just get more miserable and more depressed and it’s just not a good time.”

"And when something's not a good time it's like a disease that can't be cured with antibiotics."

Oh Snooki wisdom, how I’ve missed you. And I really hope I don’t catch this “snookin for love” disease. But there might be a show in it somewhere for Dr. Drew...

Hooray it’s time to hit the town! This is Rammi’s cue to go to bed, so they do. It looks like tonight MVP is going out and bringing New Girl along. She tells us that MVP love girls and when she’s drunk she loves girls too, so she’s a perfect wingman. They head for Bamboo, home of my favorite security t-shirts, and Deena is ON A MISSION to fit in with MVP. She’s talking only to girls, complimenting their breasts and inviting them to take body shots off of her. It works though. The guys are mostly just glad she’s not cockblocking like a certain former roommate we all hated. Eventually Deena stumbles onto a guy named Dean - oh how freaking adorable, Deena and Dean - and he tells her she’s drop dead gorgeous and she tells him she loves his fauxhawk. It’s a match made in guido heaven!

Deena mentally plans her big friggin' wedding.

The guys get a load of Dean and think it’s hilarious because he looks just like Ronnie! Okay he looks KIND OF like Ronnie. His body is the same and his face is similar, but I’d never get them confused or anything. Still, it’s funny that the guys think it’s so funny. They’re calling him Ronnie and saying he’s Ronnie’s stunt double. Sitch says Deena must be fulfilling some sort of Ronnie fantasy and then they say he even dances like Ronnie, but I didn’t notice any epileptic seizures taking place. Just some dry humping on Deena. Which makes the guys threaten to tell Sammi.

Not-Ronnie agrees to come home with Deena so the boys take him into the confessional to do an interview with him pretending he’s Ronnie.

"Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. How's that guys?"

He’s all low-key, just going along with everything while the guys crack themselves up. Pauly D gets the brilliant idea to have Not-Ronnie actually switch places in bed with Ronnie and see if Sammi notices. While they try to wake up the sleeping couple, Ronnie looks up and goes, “Who is that? Dean?” They know each other! Which makes the guys laugh even harder. Ronnie and Not-Ronnie know each other! Ronnie goes, “His girlfriend’s name is Sam, too.” This is hysterical. Not-Ronnie goes, “Yeah my - ” then looks at the camera like a deer in headlights. BUSTED, Not-Ronnie!

"Shit, did I say that out loud?"

Slobbering all over Deena (and failing to mention that he knows Ronnie), then coming to the house and forgetting to shut up about your girlfriend Sam. If Not-Sam is anything like Sammi, Not-Ronnie’s privates will be mutilated when she sees this episode. Of course, the guidos know what’s up and they’re not about to get in the way of a brother getting some play. In fact, Deena has already dug out the “blast in a glass” hat and even managed to keep her bikini bottoms on with it.

Hot tub scene! Deena tells Not-Ronnie he’s her perfect guy because he has a fauxhawk, nice teeth and a good personality. She wants to know if he has a girlfriend and he stumbles a little, but then insists he doesn’t. Whatever dude. We’re not here to be Girlfriend Patrol. Guess who is, though. Pauly D and Vinny! They’re sitting in the living room talking about what a shame it is that Ronnie is hooking up with Deena in the hot tub right after he and Sammi made up. Their faces are totally deadpan and Pauly D wonders if they should tell Sammi. Vinny thinks hard then says, “Wait, I have an idea. Why don’t we write an anonymous note.”


Pauly D goes, “Yeah, OMG, let’s do it! We’ll write it so they won’t even think it’s us. We’ll write it politically correct, so bring a thesaurus.” HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Hilarious!


This little scene was a long time coming and these guys NAILED it. Perfect situation to do it in, too. Just gorgeous. Jwoww, you’re my girl, but you and Snooks totally had that coming. The guys make each other promise not to tell Sammi who wrote the note, then they pinky swear and call each other Boo Boo. Loving them right now.

Deena takes Not-Ronnie back to her bed to “snuggle.” She tells us that he didn’t get the golden ticket, but she gave him a sneak peek. Okay, the golden ticket is for a tour of the chocolate factory, so you fill in the blanks. The next morning Sammi sees Deena kiss Not-Ronnie goodbye and she breaks the news that he has a girlfriend. Sammi’s seen her “like five times.” Deena’s all shocked. She goes, “REALLY?”

"But I was gonna give him the golden ticket tonight!"

Then she says what they did last night, but it’s blurred and I seriously can’t figure it out. Something that a woman wouldn’t appreciate her boyfriend doing to another woman, I would imagine. Deena actually takes it pretty well. She just shrugs and says, “Sorry girlfriend!” Seriously, he lied about it, so it’s on him. So funny, too, how the guys would NEVER have said anything about there being a girlfriend, because what’s it to them? But girls tell each other that stuff immediately, if not sooner.

That night it’s back to Karma. Snooki’s along for the ride, but swears she’s only going to have one drink.

To make up for not drinking she huffs some spray tanner before they leave.

Pauly D tells us how it’s nice to be back home in Jersey where everyone in the clubs is just like them and they can all fist pump the night happily away. Roger’s here, so Jwoww sits down on a couch with him and who should show up, but Lauren, ever the bearer of bad news. But this time she has good news! She’s learned that Roger is not, in fact, dating Heather, but some guy who looks like Roger is. Well that’s a huge relief because that must mean he’s free. We all know that guys with girlfriends are unavailable and conduct themselves as such. Woops, I forget that Jwoww has a boyfriend. Let’s see what’s up with that.

When everyone comes home the duck quacks and it’s Tom calling to check up on Jwoww. While she talks to him Ronnie works himself up into a frenzy because here is Jwoww on the phone with her boyfriend five minutes after talking to her ex-boyfriend, which obviously makes her as big a dirtbag as Ronnie. Except it doesn’t. Ronnie says Jwoww is lucky that he doesn’t type Tom an anonymous note. Okay first of all, I must have missed the part where Tom repeatedly begged Ronnie to please tell him if Jwoww was doing anything behind his back (like Sammi did). Secondly, I must have missed the part where Jwoww did anything but have a conversation with Roger. Her intentions may not be pure, but she hasn’t DONE anything. Ronnie’s just trying to make himself feel better about being a total piece of crap. But back to Jwoww. She tells Tom they should talk tomorrow and that she loves him. And he hangs up on her. She flips the phone off and says, “That’s why I’m leavin’ yo ass... douche.” DO IT, Jwoww!

That poor duck must be traumatized from living here.

The next day Jwoww calls Roger and plans to bring Deena to meet up with Roger and his “hot friend” Alex. Tom calls before she can get out the door, but she still doesn’t break up with him or say anything about Roger. I wonder if she would break up with Tom if Roger wasn’t in the picture. Is she one of those girls who always needs a boyfriend? When they get back from the boardwalk they wake Snooki up. It’s 5:30 pm. I’m guessing Snooki’s going through some withdrawal after her non-stop drinking binge? She tells Jwoww that she doesn’t want to drink anymore. At all. Jwoww tells her to take it one day at a time because on Thursday she might want a glass of pinot. Snooki goes, “Oh yeah, I think pinot’s okay. Pregnant people do it.” Jwoww goes, “Exactly.” Huh? Pregnant people drink pinot? Maybe like ONCE during a pregnancy isn’t a huge crisis, but I doubt they drink it all the time - or every Thursday. Plus, being pregnant isn’t being an ALCOHOLIC. A glass of pinot could lead to another scene on the beach. That’s how it works. I’ve watched Celebrity Rehab.

The roommies are sensing that Snooki is feeling depressed now that she’s sober, so the guys decide to make some home movies to cheer her up. They interview her about her poof, then they try to interview Jwoww’s boobs - you know, guy humor.

Later Snooki, Jwoww and Pauly D have to do a shift at the t-shirt store and it’s getting pretty funny watching Danny beg and plead with these guys to do something besides just loiter around his store in their sweats. That actually might be enough to bring in a lot of business - I guess they’d just rather be elsewhere.

"Anybody want to buy an effing t-shirt?"

Jwoww asks Pauly D if he thinks she should try to stay with Tom. When you describe your relationship in those terms - “try to stay with,” it’s probably not a relationship you want to be in. Snooki thinks Jwoww and Roger “as a couple would be amazing. That’s like your typical gorilla-guidette couple. And they would have the most amazingly cute babies ever.” Babies are a possible factor now?

Jwoww decides that she must take action to help pull Snooki out of her slump. She calls Roger and has him bring another one of his hot friends to the t-shirt store. Roger seems to always be hovering nearby with a supply of hot friends. Every girl needs a guy like that for her girlfriends. We see Roger and his friend trail into the store after Jwoww, and Snooki goes, “OMG, THANK YOU!” And I was thinking, geez Snooks, could you be any more obvious? But then I notice that Jwoww brought her a coffee. Snooki takes one look at Roger’s friend and tells us this is what she’s been waiting for her entire life. Good call Snooki. After all that self-discovery on the patio you wouldn’t want to throw yourself headlong at YET ANOTHER guy who’s wrong for you. The four of them leave the store to go sit in a booth and chat. Snooki is disappointed that this guy is Irish since she likes guidos, but I remember in season one she had a fling with an Irish farmer and that didn’t bother her. She tells us Nick is perfect. Perfect! It takes about 30 seconds for Danny to shoo the girls back into the store, but I guess that’s all the time Nick needed for his perfection to shine through.

Prepare to be blamed for her next meltdown, Nick.

That night they’re going to the boardwalk with Roger and Nick and Snooki says she’s going to have to double-panty it. My, my, she’s a lady. Again, I’m so glad she’s not getting ahead of herself with this guy. There’s also talk of Snooki having to poop because she’s so excited. She emerges from the bathroom, announcing, “I just had a baby in the toilet!” Who could resist this one? When the guys arrive, Deena says that Nick is perfect for Snooki and she’s even jealous because he’s hot and she got stuck with Alex. Poor Alex is probably proudly watching his television debut right now and he just got crapped on. Since Nick likes to joke around and doesn’t bore Snooki, she decides that she also wants to have sex with him tonight. No way this plan could ever go awry! Roger sleeps over too, but the next morning Jwoww tells us they didn’t have sex. She does, however, say that she’s infatuated with Roger and over Tom. She doesn’t even miss Tom, then wouldn’t you know it - he calls. The roommates all gather around to listen and see if Jwoww will finally break things off.

"This is Jwoww's private moment. Everyone quiet down so we can hear it."

As Tom catches on to Jwoww’s distance, she tells him, “I’m just taking a breather.” Pauly D goes, “Roger that!” and that makes me laugh so hard! He’s killing me this epi. He starts going, “I’ll Roger that. R-R-Roger that!” HEE! Jwoww admits to Tom that she’s been hanging out with Roger and he starts to fly off the handle. Jwoww gets mad and yells at him and hangs up on him... again. I think this one was the one that finally did it.

The next call Jwoww makes is to her dad, who has apparently just talked to Tom and learned that Tom is moving his stuff out of their house. Jwoww asks her dad to call Tom and tell him not to touch any of her stuff. And he says he will! Hmm, handling a breakup through your parents - that must be fun. Jwoww is upset because if Tom leaves their house her dogs will be left all alone. It’s time to head to Long Island for Operation Dog Rescue. Snooki’s going with her, which is nice. When they get to Jwoww’s house, she’s crying, saying it’s one thing to take it out on her, but it’s another to take it out on her dogs.

"The dogs never even MET Roger!"

Well, it turns out the dogs are just fine. They’ve probably only been alone for a couple of hours, which is not even a regular work day. While Jwoww explains to the camera that her dogs are okay, there is a film of them going behind her, which also cracks me up.

The poof balls were oblivious to any crisis.

But all is not well. Jwoww’s bed is gone. So is her graduation watch. (High school graduation?) Her hard drive is gone too, which sucks. Then she notices the coup de grace. Tom has left on the computer screen a transfer of funds from Jwoww’s PayPal account to himself. That’s effed up. Isn’t he her manager? He’ll probably claim it’s his fee. Poor, poor Jwoww. I bet Roger could beat Tom’s ass, though.

Next week! Sammi punches Ronnie. SWEET!

So was it just me, or was this episode particularly awesome? What do you think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta