Monday, January 31, 2011

Jersey Shore: Tossed Salad

What's for dinner?

Poor Jwoww! We catch up with her and Snooki discovering all the douchebag stuff Tom did to her for breaking up with him, like stealing her hard drive and her money. And her bed. Snooki wants to find Tom and “chop his nuts off.” As always, let’s thank Snooki for being the voice of reason. Jwoww is super hurt and decides that her only home now is in Seaside Heights in her little bed next to the bathroom.

Speaking of Seaside Heights, Ryder is arriving for a visit in her denim booty shorts and tank top. I mean, why get dressed just to whore it up on the boardwalk? Vinny lets her in and it’s kind of awkward since these two shared a night of indiscretion as we learned via a tantrum Snooki had in the hot tub at Vinny. Vinny says he has strict instructions from Snooki not to have sex with Ryder again so he’s not sure what to do.

"So Ryder, do you know how to make spaghetti?"

That’s quite pathetic. There’s a girl around and Vinny can’t have sex with her and she’s not here to cut his meat so he doesn’t know what to do with her now. What could she possibly be good for? Snooki isn’t back yet so Deena offers to hang out with Ryder, especially since it was just her birthday a couple of days ago.

"I'm this many."

Back in Long Island, Snooki and Jwoww go to a hardware store to change the locks on the house - or get Jwoww a new knob, as Snooki puts it - since Tom has keys and Tom has just shown himself to be a kleptomaniac. Unfortunately, neither of them has any idea how to install new doorknobs, so they struggle with it for quite some time. Snooki finally asks if Jwoww doesn’t know some juiceheads around here who might know how to do this. Jwoww acts like that’s a total epiphany. She gasps and goes, “Do you want to call someone?” A new knob could be closer than you think, girls!

"I just locked us IN."

Ryder, meanwhile, is slightly annoyed that Snooki has not returned, but Deena puts on her “blast in a glass” hat and offers to do happy hour and a bar crawl with Ryder. I’m kind of surprised that these two haven’t met each other before, both being party friends of Snooki and all. So they hit the boardwalk and become fast friends over shots, pool, and boardwalk rides.

Watch out, Deena. Snooki doesn't like it if you bang her best friend.

Snooki and Jwoww finally get new locks on the doors, pile the dogs into the car and head back to Seaside, where Pauly D and Vinny are offering Ryder their bedroom if she needs somewhere to sleep. Back off boys. No more pissing Snooki off by boinking her friends, if you don’t mind. When the dogs arrive, Pauly D names the poofy one Snooki and the little skinny one Ryder. Hmm, I don’t know how flattered I’d be. But whatevs, it’s time to hit Karma! Jwoww is excited to see Roger for the first time in a few days, and Sammi is excited to pick a fight with Ronnie for having verbal contact with another human being. Please, no.

"Is Ronnie breathing over there? He's gonna get it!"

Ronnie promises that it’s the girlfriend of one of their friends and he even offers to bring her over to show Sammi her c-section. She’s going to show Sammi her c-section? THIS I’ve gotta see. I think he means her scar, but he may not, so bring it.

"Just tell me right now if there's going to be major surgery in this club, Ronnie!"

Vinny has discovered a fellow Sicilian who travels with her own entourage of bodyguard relatives, just like Apollonia from The Godfather. Unfortunately Vinny is not in this to find himself a wife, so these fellas mostly serve as a giant cockblock.

"I just wanna bang their cousin, is that so wrong?"

But he manages to convince this girl, Gina, to come back to the house by herself. This can’t bode well. I mean, at the club her guardians were all up Gina’s ass every few seconds making sure she was okay. Upstairs in the Depression Chamber (Rammi’s room) Sammi is wasted and slurring accusations at Ronnie of touching other girls and hating her. Ronnie dares her to pack her crap and get out, but instead she goes downstairs to snag herself a piece of pizza. Mmmm, pizza.

"There's too much Xenadrine in his system. He needs food."

And while she does that Ronnie goes to the closet, takes every item of clothing Sammi owns, and throws it into the middle of the room. Nice to meet you, Mommie Dearest. No wire hangers! Sammi comes back in with a peace offering in the form of pizza, and Ronnie seriously tells us that he is mad it’s not a protein shake. He tells Sammi he’s on a different level now and she needs to pack her crap and get out. Sitch waltzes through right now and tells Sammi she’s been kicked out of her own room. Sammi starts to bawl while Ronnie tells her her tears mean nothing and she owes him an apology.

Sitch has managed to get a girl back to the house and he’s trying to get her to change into his sweat pants, but her friend is there and is apparently a grenade. So Vinny does something extremely classy and mature and gets out his “grenade horn,” which is to alert Seaside to the fact that there is a grenade at their house.

Or that someone needs a cough drop.

This isn’t very clever or entertaining boys. Keep trying. UPDATE: I just saw that you can now purchase the grenade horn at the MTV shop. Please don’t.

All of a sudden this herd of huge guidos comes marching up the stairs to the patio looking for Gina. I knew it! Vinny is completely put out and compares this to Romeo and Juliet, which it isn’t... at all. Until Pauly D gets up in Gina’s uncle’s face saying “Do you bite your thumb at us sir?” Yeah right. Vinny says that as beautiful as Gina is, knowing she has this entourage doesn’t make him want to call her again. That just means their system is working because only guys who are seriously interested in more than just banging Gina are going to work through the entourage. Vinny has been weeded out! A plague on both your houses!

Ronnie’s lying on the couch in the living room sobbing like a little girl. I do so hate this storyline. But Jwoww goes to him and tells him that she’s here for him and she went through the same thing with Tom, Ron deserves better, yadda, yadda, yadda. The whole time she keeps looking over her shoulder like Sammi’s going to be standing there with a chainsaw.

"I can't get blood on my ostrich top."

A little later Ronnie and Jwoww are talking on the patio and Sammi comes out on the balcony above them demanding to know what Ronnie is doing.

"Don't you make me come down there, Ron-ald!"

She starts yelling, “Are you friends with her? Are you? Let me know now, are you? Are you?” And Ronnie sits with his head down.

"Not telling."

During this tirade, the rest of the roommies come out with a cake and lit candles to sing Happy Birthday to Ryder. Sammi bolts down the stairs and out to the patio, still screaming - now in Ronnie’s face - “Are you friends with her? ARE YOU?” He finally gives a little nod and she reaches back and punches him right in the mouth. He reacts like he barely notices, but still. Violence is never the answer, people. Happy Birthday, Ryder!

And here's one to grow on!

Sammi runs to the phone and calls her mom to come and pick her up. Right now. Sitch starts announcing that there has to be a family meeting. Vinny and Pauly D rush to Sammi’s side to try and convince her to stay... why? Sammi says that this is God telling her to leave and Vinny says no, it’s your ego. Never thought I’d say this, but good call, Vinny. But God or ego, please let her leave. Snooki and Ryder join the Stay Sammi party and Sammi just keeps flipping out. She finally storms out of the room - hopefully to go home.

"Sammi, please stay. I want to get punched again too."

In totally other news, Jwoww has decided that she’s waited long enough and tonight is the night with Roger. Her dogs get to watch.

It looks like everyone stays up all night talking because at 6:30 in the morning no one has gone to bed and Sammi comes outside and tells Ronnie she’s truly sorry for punching him in the face. She goes on to say that she’s extremely hurt that he would be friends with Jwoww and she wants him to know how she feels before she leaves. She goes, “This is my final goodbye to you, so you can say whatever you want.” Ronnie gets up and walks away. Ha! Sammi’s like, “Really? Okay.” BUH-BYE Sammi! Ugh Ronnie’s still bawling like a bitch. Sammi gets him to come inside and they hug it out. Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Sammi keeps talking to the camera like she’s having a revelation about how stupid she’s being. She says that she’s destroying herself and it isn’t worth it. She wants to take it day by day and work on all of her relationships in the house. Great, so we’re back to square one. Again. Sammi’s staying. Ryder’s leaving, though.

Over family dinner Sammi thanks everyone for being nice to her and letting her stay. She even offers to help with the dishes, so something’s definitely up. And that night Jwoww and Roger are going out, and so are Deena and Not-Ronnie. Huh? I thought the jig was up about his girlfriend, Not-Sam. Well, whatever, it’s a double date on the boardwalk. And Snooki and Vinny go on a little platonic outing to buy - what else? - a stripper pole.

Because books are just so 2008.

The next day the guys head to the barber shop for some bonding time. While getting their heads shaved into various ridiculous shapes, the guys ask the barber about Not-Ronnie, who also comes here for haircuts. Well, the barber has some juicy gossip to share and that is that Not-Ronnie announced to the barber that Deena tossed his salad, like willingly. The guys all totally believe this, of course, and giggle about it incessantly. Why are guys so gross? I mean, what girl would seriously do that - to a guy she just met especially? COME ON. I even give these Jersey Shore girls more credit than that. Remember that episode of Sex and the City? Even Samantha said she would never do that, and Samantha will do everything. But the guys think it’s funny, so they’re going to go ahead and spread this one around. All the roommies meet up at the gym and Sitch can’t keep his mouth shut for two seconds before sing-songing to Deena that he heard a story about her. She wants to know what he heard because she hasn’t done much here at the shore, except hook up with that guy, Not-Ronnie. Sitch keeps saying stuff like, “If you like to do that, good for you,” (cause who wouldn’t LIKE to do that?) and Deena is confused and wants specifics. Sitch finally tells her and Deena is immediately horrified and adamant that she would never do that. She’s pretty offended and walks away. Pauly D confirms the story and Deena tells him it’s not true. Then she goes to Jwoww for sympathy, but Jwoww just cracks up.

Thanks for being there, Jwoww.

Deena’s like, “It’s not funny cause it’s not true!” Deena swears she’s going to rip Not-Ronnie a new one, and that just opens up an entire can of jokes about what she’s been accused of doing. Poor Deena. I believe you.

"I don't even LIKE salad you jerk-offs!"

Well, guess who’s at Karma with our guidos tonight? It’s Not-Ronnie! Deena marches up to him and tells him she’s being tormented because of what he said. Not-Ronnie doesn’t know what he supposedly said, so Deena screams it out to everyone at Karma. Good thinking, Deena. Not-Ronnie’s like, “I never said that!” Of course. Well, I guess we’ll never know who started that story, but I still pretty much believe Deena. But I’m definitely open to discussion.

Jwoww is in a very generous mood and offers to buy Ronnie and Sammi drinks and Sammi gets up and comes with her. At the bar Sammi tells Jwoww she knows she has no business saying anything, but she realizes Jwoww was just looking out for her.

Like there was just one.

What is this? Burying the hatchet of THE NOTE? Awwwwwwww. The mortal enemies are making up and becoming friends! So I guess Sammi isn’t going anywhere after all. What a buzzkill.

Next week Ronnie won’t be getting his salad tossed. But it looks like he may have “fallen” on some sort of oblong object, necessitating a visit to the proctologist. Of course Sammi comes along with binoculars.

So what do you think? Is Deena guilty? Other thoughts?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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