Monday, February 07, 2011

Jersey Shore: Dr. AssMan

Let’s start this episode off right - at Karma. Jwoww and Sammi are “hugging it out” after their sudden ceasefire.

"Remember when you yanked out my weave?"

Then Ronnie comes up and steals a shot that belongs to Jwoww. Sammi seems to be super annoyed with Ronnie, which is nothing new. This time it looks like she wants him to stop drinking. He tells the camera that as usual, he and Sammi take “one step forward, two step backs.” They need to take a few hundred “step backs” to their hometowns and spare us all the misery.

Sitch is trying to lure a girl home with the promise of a t-shirt she can wear. This seems to be his new schtick. If he can get them to put on his clothing then somehow they are more DTF. I have to point out here, too, that this girl is not attractive. After all the grenade horn blowing I would have expected more from Sitch. His beer goggles must be extra thick this evening.

This grenade isn't even coming willingly.

Once home, the grenade gets a purple t-shirt that says “Situation” on it, Ronnie face plants onto a bean bag while Sammi tries to force feed him, and Snooki passes out in the makeshift dog run.

This dog just became the victim of a home invasion.

Ronnie has really done himself in and instead of eating the food Sammi brings him, he pukes into a shopping bag. By now they’re up in their room, where Sitch is incidentally trying to make some progress with his grenade. Sammi gets totally grossed out by her hot awesome boyfriend puking all over their bedroom. The next morning Jwoww ever-so-kindly drags Snooki from the dog run into her bed. Remember how Snooki was going to stop drinking except for the occasional glass of pinot? Yeah, so much for that. Meanwhile, Ronnie is pooping blood. Clearly this isn’t normal so Sammi agrees to go to the doctor with him to find out what is wrong. They go to a general practitioner who tells Ronnie he’s just going to “check out the area” to see what’s up.

This next section is pretty amusing with cuts between Ronnie enduring a manual exploration of his burning back door and Sammi sitting cluelessly happy in the lobby, picking at her nails and listening to elevator music.

Open wide, Ronnie.

"Ronnie is so dreamy."

At the end of the visit the doctor has told Ronnie that he needs to scale back the drinking and his butt will stop bleeding. I’ve never heard of such a thing so I looked it up and it seems that excessive drinking over a long period of time can cause damage to internal organs, including the lining of your intestines, which may result in anal bleeding. Good grief, isn’t Ronnie in his 20’s? He’s already drunk so much that his colon is shredded and bleeding? This can’t be good. Sammi wants to know if any clamps were used in the exam. LOL.

The next segment is a little reel of antics from the Jwoww and Snooki show. They take Deena and head for the drug store, discuss masturbation on the way, then in the store Snooki rides around on a tricycle until it breaks. I’ve seen much better from these two... yawn.

Not redeeming herself.

Later Snooki and Deena tell a freshly groomed Pauly D that he looks super hot and they’d like to have a threesome with him. Didn’t we already play this game with Sitch? New material please, ladies. Some friends of Ronnie’s will be joining the roommies out at Karma where Ronnie will hopefully be making an effort to give his rectum a break. These friends are named Petey and Dario, and Deena takes a liking to Dario, who kisses her even though she has cigarette breath. Sitch is in one of his usual spots, underneath some sort of raised platform waiting for a drunk girl to topple off of it and land on him so he can take her home and convince her to put on his lounge wear. Snooki has come across a bona fide Italian guido who is paying attention to her and telling her she’s beautiful. There’s some disgusting tongue kissing and Snooki proudly announces that she’s bringing this one home with her.

SIDEBAR: As all the roommies are filing into the house with their catches of the evening, I keep noticing how oddly shaped Snooki’s body is.

"Hurry up, jerk-off."

She seems little, but then she wears these super tight dresses that hug her entire upper half and make her look like a tangerine with toothpicks for legs. Also, I think she must have traveled to 1987 to get those clippy things she uses to secure her poof. I haven’t seen those in years and years unless I’m watching this show. And they’re so fuggo and don’t go with her outfits at all. Very confusing.

So Snooki practically races through the house with this guy - Jeff - to the smoosh room to take care of business. They start making out and rolling around when, wouldn’t you know it. Snooki has her period. Foiled again!

Deena is outside on the patio sitting on Dario’s lap and talking about how she’s fat and needs to go to the gym. Oh the conversations these people have with their prospects are so cerebral. As Deena takes Dario to her room to “cuddle - that’s all,” we see her giving this emphatic speech to the camera about how it’s not Halloween and she’s not giving out treats for free. You need a golden ticket to get into her drawers! Then we flash to morning and she’s saying to the camera, “Whatever, my golden ticket was taken. But it is what it is and Dario’s a good guy.” Really Deena, just drop the Halloween/golden ticket speech. It will save you a lot of embarrassment.

Snooki has changed into some OTHER leopard print house dress thing with her giant green slippers and is taunting Jeff (who is still here) to do some tricks for her on the stripper pole. He finally does and of course rips it right out of its stand and falls to the ground. It’s actually pretty funny, even if totally predictable.

Who wants a private dance?

So Snooki is totes in love with Jeff. She kisses him a lot and then says, “Yum!” Ew. And I never thought about it until you guys started talking about it in the comments, but now I’m always imagining her all unshowered and smelly. Like last night’s nasty club smell, you know? And cigarettes. Anyway, they head for the boardwalk together and on the sky ride Snooki FINALLY realizes (after making out all night) that Jeff has a tongue ring, so now she’s even more excited about him.

"Hey you also have teeth... and hair!"

When he admires the ocean she says she hates the ocean because it’s full of whale sperm, which makes it salty. She then admonishes all of us to google this. Trust Snooki, okay? The reason the ocean is salty is because it’s full of whale sperm. What is the matter with her? At this point I hope for her sake that she’s joking. It must hurt to be that stupid.

Their next stop is at a bar where Jeff proceeds to tell Snooki his entire life story. Bad idea, especially because it includes a previous engagement. When he says he was engaged Snooki totally freaks out, wanting to know if he’s still engaged. Jeff handles it all wrong, trying to back pedal, saying it was more like a promise ring than an engagement. Oh please. Snooki is now certain that Jeff also has children... and an STD. And STD? Where did that come from? He wasn’t a male prostitute, he was engaged... to one person... who was a virgin. He keeps insisting it was a promise ring and Snooki loves promise rings, so Jeff says he’ll get her one in a couple of months. Shut up Jeff. And shut up Snooki. She thinks that because Jeff has been engaged in the past he obviously wants to marry her too, and she’s just not ready to get married right now. Um, they met LAST NIGHT. He even said he was with his ex for like three years. But Snooki is not risking any accidental matrimony and she sends Jeff on his way.

But Jeff isn’t ready to give up just yet and he calls Snooki on the duck phone to tell her so. Snooki insists that she’s angry Jeff didn’t give her this information sooner. What? He gave it within 24 hours of meeting you, Snooki. And it’s part of his past - he didn’t have to tell you at all. She tells us she doesn’t want someone who’s been married or engaged, she wants someone fresh. Something tells me that Karma isn’t the place to be rounding up “fresh” guys. But I guess as long as they’ve never made a major commitment to a woman, that’s as fresh as Snooki wants.

The phone rings again and this time Pauly D picks it up and does this soft calm voice imitating voice mail, saying there’s no one available to take the call and to leave a message after the beep. Then he holds down one of the buttons to fake the beep - and Jeff starts leaving a message!

Pauly D's new career is born.

After Jeff talks for a minute Pauly D goes, “For Snooki press one. For Jenni press two.” HA! And Jeff pushes something! This is freaking hilarious. Pauly D is really tickling my funny bone this season. Next Jeff calls back and Pauly D answers like it’s a pizza place. Jeff asks for an apology pizza to be delivered to Snooki. Pauly D says “She doesn’t want to talk to you right now, broo. You did her dirty, dog. You better send roses to the house, feel me? Roses, dog, with pickles! Fried pickles!” And he hangs up again. That was cute, but the voice mail thing was the highlight of tonight’s epi. Loving you, Pauly D!

Later all four of the girls all plan an outing to the sex store. Seriously? They must be bored. There’s one interesting moment where Deena is headed for the dressing room carrying an outfit to try on and she runs into Jwoww, who is trying on the same outfit. Deena is immediately deflated because she knows there’s no way she’ll even come close to looking as good as Jwoww does in this leather getup. Wah wah.

"I'll trade you your body for this Hustler hat..."

Snooki looks like a tangerine wearing a baseball outfit.

"I look so hot right now. Who wants to sleep with me?"

The guys are home cleaning and making dinner and this puts them in a very bad mood. Well boys, now you know how your mothers feel. Ronnie gets all up in Sammi’s face about it when the girls get home and she points out (quite fairly) that she just helped him through a night of vomiting and anal bleeding and now he’s mad that she didn’t clean out the fridge. Yeah Ronnie, you might want to shut it. Dinner is super tense because Ronnie is completely mad at Sammi for whatever reason today. These two are such a mismatch (newsflash, I know). They obviously can’t stand each other. And they’re at that age where they think it’s normal to fight this much in a relationship - I know, I had one of those. It’s so amazing when you find a good relationship and look back on the one you tried so hard to make work when it was just so wrong. The juxtaposition sheds a brand new light on everything. So anyway, they’re miserable and they’re making everyone else miserable. Same old, same old.

Oh good the girls have a shift of annoying Danny this afternoon.

"You guys were on the schedule yesterday."

When they file in he tells them that they’re two hours late and none of them are wearing their work shirts. Good luck with that, Danny. Snooki tells him to take a Xanax and that’s probably the closest thing to cooperation he’s going to get. Snooki and Jwoww get to talking about boys and Snooki is jealous that Jwoww can always find a man and she can’t. Well you found one Snooks, but you were mad that he had a life before he met you, so there you go.

When they come home Sammi straightens her hair for four hours while Ronnie lies on his bed calling her names. They toy with the idea of breaking up and I for one think it’s cruel of them to tease us like this. I’m not getting my hopes up. MVP sit in the living room listening to them fight and Vinny goes, “Hell has to be just like this.” Sitch thinks for a minute, then nods and says, “Yeah.” Notice that to them, hell doesn’t involve THEMSELVES fighting, it involves sitting around while Rammi fights, which as we all know is worse than any fight we could be in personally.

MVP + Deena hits Karma and Pauly D explains to us the dance move called “the Jersey turnpike,” which is apparently something Deena does constantly. This is where she bends over in front of Pauly D and sticks her butt between his legs then kind of bounces up and down. What a lady. I can’t imagine why any guys would see her out and about and mistake her for Halloween, giving out free candy.

Danielle the Stalker is in attendance tonight again. I guess we’re already going back to this well. Pauly D says that he’s worried cause the last time he saw her she threw a drink in his face (which was kinda awesome). But one of her friends tells Pauly D that Danielle wants to talk to him.

"I know what you had for dinner, Pauly. And lunch. And breakfast."

He goes over to her with his guard up and asks her why she threw a drink in his face. Danielle says it’s because Pauly D made her look like a stalker. LOL. I knew she didn’t like her edit! But Pauly D says he doesn’t hold a grudge and invites Danielle on back to the house. When they get there Pauly D dashes to his room and pulls out the I “heart” Jewish Girls t-shirt Danielle made for him last year while she was stalking his whole life on the boardwalk. I find it very entertaining that not only did he keep that shirt, but that he has it right here with him and ready to put on.

Saving it as evidence, perhaps?

When Danielle sees it she laughs and flips Pauly off. She’s totally embarrassed and he enjoys it thoroughly. He said that the look on her face was priceless and that’s all he wanted. He’s quite good natured, isn’t he?

Just now, Vinny walks through the kitchen behind Danielle and as he passes her he points with both hands and goes, “Stalker! Stalker!” He laughs and asks her what she’s doing there. Danielle IS pretty odd. She wants to keep hanging around even though she knows they all think of her as the stalker. Why wouldn’t she just act like she’s over it and get on with her life?

So a bunch of them are sitting around in the living room talking and Vinny asks what kind of bird delivers babies. When everyone says stork, they all giggle. This is because when people with their Jersey accents say “stork,” it sounds kind of like “stalk.” Pauly D goes, “What did Jack climb up? The bean what?” Ha ha, stalk.

"You guys are making fun of me? Fine, I'll stay all night."

Danielle sits and takes it for a while longer then decides to make her exit and she and Pauly D part amicably. I’m guessing this won’t be the last we see of her.

During the last three minutes of the episode Ronnie and Sammi fight and break up. It’s not even worth talking about. We’ll see what happens next week. It looks - again - like Sammi goes home. Fool me once, MTV.

So there you have it! It looks like someone is once again “Snookin for love” and in all the wrong places, I might add. Pauly D is adorable, and Rammi are of course unforgivable.

What’d you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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