Jersey Shore: All Time Low

Welcome to another (and hopefully the last) Rammi-centric episode. Of course, I would prefer not to recap any Rammi fights because they are all identical, nonsensical and lead nowhere. Plus we’ve seen their fight so many times that really, what’s the point anymore? But that’s all they’ve given me to go on tonight, so I have no choice.

We've reached a new low.

We wake up the next morning after the last fight I wouldn’t write about and Ronnie tells Sammi that the way she acted was uncalled-for. Sammi wants to know if they can talk about it. Oh, why, Sammi, why? Talking about it has never led these two to anything good. Or anywhere at all for that matter. All they do is blame the other and play the victim. Neither is willing to compromise or change, but they’re also not willing to give up on demanding that the other one change. Sitch hears them talking and voices what the entire planet earth is thinking: Why don’t they just break up?

"Does anyone know where we keep the cyanide?"

Sammi goes on and on about what Ronnie’s Miami antics “put her through,” and how she’ll never get over it. She brings up Miami a lot, so obviously she’s seen the episodes of Ronnie being a prick. She keeps saying she can’t talk about it and Sitch keeps saying, “To be honest with you.”

Unpacking? Not so fast, Sammi.

Ronnie hears Sitch talking about Miami and feels betrayed by a fellow guy. He goes to Deena and Pauly D and bawls about Sitch ratting him out. Pauly D is like, “Ugh, now what?” Ronnie promises to put Sitch in his place. To try and calm everyone down, Pauly D takes Ronnie to the boardwalk to ride rides and Deena takes Sammi to a bar.

As Deena and Sammi get ready to take shots (keep in mind, it’s morning) Ronnie and Pauly D walk by and wave. Immediately Sammi says that Ronnie is with a girl. Congrats, Pauly D, you are now being mistaken for a female by your own roommate. So what to do when your on-again, off-again boyfriend walks by with a guy who looks like a girl? Why, grab the first guy you see and flirt your tail off! Other riff raff at the bar? Flirt with them, too!

"Hey, is someone giving out free candy?"

But by all means, make sure you NEVER do this to have any fun. ONLY do it to piss off your boyfriend. The results are sure to be stellar.

Back at home, Ronnie is getting himself more and more worked up as he plans to confront Sitch about talking to Sammi. He’s practically pacing as he puts together a batch of Ron Ron juice, which will definitely make everything a hundred times worse. He won’t even talk to Sammi until he’s settled things with Sitch, so Sammi just sits there fretting. When Sitch gets home, Ronnie goes off on him about not having his back, selling him out, etc. Sitch fights back for a few minutes before just telling Ronnie he’s sorry so that everyone can get on with their lives. Did you see that Sammi? Ronnnie? Ending a fight for the good of humanity? Novel concept, I know.

"WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST HELP ME CHEAT???"

Ronnie, who is very used to fighting till both parties drop, is totally taken aback by Sitch’s sudden surrender. But he accepts the apology and they hug it out.

Thank goodness for small mercies, like a topic switch. Let’s check in with Jwoww, who is getting ready for a dinner date with Roger. Roger, you see, is getting ready to go out of town for 10 days, so he and Jwoww are having a special romantic evening before their agonizing separation. Roger shows up with an overnight bag, which is pretty hilarious for some reason. Is that something guys do? What’s in there? Anyway, they go to eat at a Mexica place on the boardwalk, where, it turns out, Roger knows EVERYONE. And not only does he know everyone, but everyone stops to talk to him and he engages in extensive conversations with all of them. Jwoww can barely get a word in edgewise before yet another of Roger’s buddies shows up and wants to pass the time of day. So much for their romantic goodbye dinner.

"And how's your Great Aunt Mildred?"

Jwoww tells us that this will definitely be a problem if they keep dating. They finally decide to take their drinks outside so they can talk and as they stand up we hear someone yell, “What’s up Roger?” Ha ha ha.

I knew that scene was too good to last. We’re back to Rammi. Sammi wants Ronnie to explain to her how he could look her in the face, watch her cry, and yet still hook up with other girls and lie about it in Miami. What does she expect him to say? Does she think he will come out with some thoughtful psychological analysis of himself and his choices? Would it matter if he did? Of course not. And he has no answer. He just wants “honesty points” for admitting he cheated, then wants Sammi to hang her head over supposedly talking to a male in Atlantic City at some point in time. Sammi tells him for the 900th time that he doesn’t deserve someone like her, then Ronnie blows his top and says they’re done and need to just do their own thing. Any of this sound familiar? Of course it does.

Deena and Snooki talk Sammi into coming out drinking and dancing with them. She keeps talking about how she’s sure Ronnie is going to do something shady, so she wants to do something shady as well, to make him jealous. This won’t end well. So Ronnie’s going out with the boys and Sammi’s going out with the girls and everyone is going to the same place to ensure maximum drama. As everyone gets ready, Sammi asks Ronnie what he’s going to do if a girl comes up to talk to him. Sammi, SHUT UP! Ronnie’s like, “What does it matter, we’re broken up.” And here comes the nightmare. It begins with Ronnie continually sliding the sliding mirror open so that he can get something out of the closet while Sammi is trying to do her hair in front of the mirror. So they shove this stupid sliding mirror back and forth at each other while telling each other to move out of the room and sleep somewhere else.

"Does your face hurt? Cause it's KILLING me!"

Ronnie announces that he will be using the smoosh room tonight. They scream some more insults back and forth and then Ronnie starts pulling Sammi’s clothes out of the closet and tossing them all over the room and out onto the balcony.

Sitch tries to get Ronnie to walk away, but that would be like asking the sun not to rise, so he calls the other roommates in for backup. At this point Ronnie is trying to lift up Sammi’s bed to remove it from the room and Sammi has jumped on the bed to stop him. But it doesn’t stop him.

There's no stopping someone hopped up on "Xenadrine."

Sammi’s screaming for Ronnie to stay away from her, but when he leaves the room she follows him screaming, “I hate you!” more and more hysterically. Vinny’s trying to physically hold Sammi back, but she’s kicking open doors and clawing and screaming. Ronnie is promising that he’s going to bring three girls home and bang them all tonight. My head is pounding. These people are animals. Animals. Who acts like this? What grown adult couple who “cares about each other” acts like this?

The roommates have finally pried them apart and the guys beg Ronnie to leave with them, but first he has to finish throwing all of Sammi’s belongings out onto the balcony - including the mattress from her bed. Then he storms out of the house, calling her names along the way and adding, “Just like Snooki said, you’re a slut.” Snooki’s standing right there and she turns to Sam and very softly says, “I never said that.” Ha ha.

"I'm not a slut. Help me find a slutty outfit."

FINALLY the guys leave and Sammi is positive that Ronnie will bring home a girl to escalate things, so Snooki and Deena tell her that two can play that game. This strikes a chord in Sammi and she tells the girls to come to her closet to help her pick out something super slutty. They discover the havoc Ronnie has wreaked with Sammi’s possessions so Snooki and Deena start transporting all of her things down to their room while she gets into her ho gear. Unfortunately the IKEA bed won’t fit through the door without being taken apart, so they finally give up and just bring down the mattress. HOWEVER, Snooki doesn’t miss the opportunity to compare the bed not fitting through the door to Vinny not fitting in her. I guess that one never gets old. They get the mattress downstairs by “surfing” it down while they ride on top. I have to say that these girls are being really nice to Sammi after how awful she was to them. I wonder if she realizes she’s lucky anyone is talking to her. Probably not, victim that she is.

Off to Aztec for the Grand Showdown. If Sammi had just acted normal, had a few drinks, talked to some guys and danced a bit I would have thought, “Good for you. Have a good time, get your mind off of things.” But no. She enters the club, climbs up on a table and starts screaming that she needs a hot guy! Where are the hot guys? Ew, pathetic.

Didn't want to keep even a shred of dignity?

And Ronnie is watching the whole thing. Eventually one of the riff raff from the bar earlier grinds with her on the dance floor while Ronnie and the other roomies look on. Seriously, the whole time she’s dancing she’s just watching for Ronnie’s reaction. She couldn’t look more desperate and obvious if she tried. Very poorly played, Sammi. It does, however, succeed in riling Ronnie back up into an insane fit of rage.

He stomps back to the house with the other guys in tow, telling us along the way how disrespectful it is of Sammi to dance with another guy. Oh give it a rest, douchebag. You don’t get to teach THAT lesson. Instead he goes back to his demonstration of room-trashing 101. This time he doesn’t just throw things, though, he destroys things. Sammi gets home and sees all of her things ruined, including a pair of crushed glasses. What is it with these guys? First Tom steals Jwoww’s hard drive and now Ronnie smashes all of Sammi’s things? This is not the way to carry on, people. Everybody has relationship woes. It doesn’t mean you act like swine.

Sammi comes up to the roof to confront Ronnie with her broken spectacles and we have more of the same old argument: what do you want from me? You disrespected me, you embarrassed me, on and on. Oh, and Ronnie is a much better person than Sammi because he had enough respect to cheat on her behind her back, not dance with someone else in front of her face. He is evil. So is she.

In other news, Jwoww wants to give Roger a memorable send-off so she changes into that leather outfit she got last week at the sex shop. Also pink fuzzy handcuffs. Then she comes strutting out in it in front of Deena and Snooki.

"Did you get a good angle on my butt?"

Roger drools and Snooki announces that if Roger wasn’t there, she would have sex with Jwoww herself.

"I look slutty too. Why won't anyone sleep with me?"

Deena is still jealous that Jwoww ruined that outfit for her.

The next morning Roger is off and the roommates discuss the horror that was last night’s fight. Apparently Ronnie sobbed all night like the little bitch that he is. Pauly D and Sitch decide that Rammi owes everyone an apology. Word. And good luck with getting that apology.

Snooki and Deena head off to Beachcomber to look for cute guys. A guy - though not extremely cute - buys them shots. As he walks back to the bar the girls notice that he’s wearing some pretty tight shorts, so when he comes back they give him all kinds of crap about it.

Auditioning for an 80's music video?

Snooki yells that they can see his wiener and pretty quickly the guy takes off out of there. That’ll teach you to try to be nice to Snooki.

Such subtle imagery.

Back to hell. Sammi pulls all the girls into the bedroom and tells them she’s done with her relationship and she needs to go home and get herself together. Please actually do it this time. Please. She takes the guys aside one at a time to tell them that she’s leaving and she’s actually packing up her crap, so here’s hoping. Ronnie gets wind of the grand departure and he’s all puzzled, as if this makes no sense. I guess that’s what happens when you cry wolf all the time.

"Wait. Is Sam mad?"

He takes her out on the porch to talk and he honestly asks her, “What’d I do?” Oh. My. Gosh. At least Sammi doesn’t cave. There’s a first time for everything. She won’t go near Ronnie or sit down next to him, but she finally hugs him and they both bawl.

"You're a filthy whore, but I love you so much."

Then a cab comes and Sammi actually gets in it and rides away. Praise be! Will she be back?

Ronnie’s all dumbfounded and after all of his horrible ugly talk he’s saying he regrets what he’s done to her. But not enough to stop, I’m sure. In fact I saw him on the After Show say he doesn’t regret ruining all of her things because she deserved it for disrespecting him. Swine.

Next week! Ronnie contemplates leaving too! Hooray!

Geez, this episode was dark and ugly. Can we please just get back to Karma?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta