Monday, February 21, 2011

Jersey Shore: Ronnie Fails Aftermath

We catch up with Ronnie shortly after Sammi’s grand exit and he’s heading to the upstairs patio to smoke and pout. The tears stream and Ronnie laments this hole he’s dug himself into.

"How could that heartless whore just leave me like this?"

Sitch comes to offer him some comfort. This should be good. He just says that Ronnie has a lot of good things in his life. Ronnie sniffles that Sammi was a good thing too. I don’t know about you, but whenever I have something good in my life, I try really hard to mistreat it, torment it and crap all over it until it’s gone. Anyway Sitch claims that he plays various roles in people’s lives: Uncle Situation, Dr. Situation, Chef Situation, Bang Your Girl Situation... wow he’s deluded. He continues to thus philosophize and Ronnie says that getting relationship advice from Sitch is like getting advice from a sailor on how to fly a plane. That’s true, I haven’t seen Sitch in any relationships... ever. But it’s also not like Ronnie has any better ideas. Sitch ends his soliloquy saying, “I’d rather die standing than live on my knees,” whatever that is supposed to mean. Most likely that he’d rather receive blow jobs than give them. Ronnie is still a crying mess so that was a waste of everyone’s time.

"The past is prelude. We must decipher intermission."

Oh, here’s something interesting! A camera crew has joined Sammi to return to her family. She gets home and settles on the couch with her mom and her dog and fills her in on the last big fight. Her mom is SO calm about it, but at least she tells her that people who love each other don’t treat each other that way.

"Sweetie, wait and see if he sends you flowers."

Sammi says she almost feels like she’s been mentally abused. Oh, honey, you two have been mentally and emotionally abusing each other since day one. Almost? She tells us that she loves and cares for Ron so much, but doesn’t know what to do after being abused like that. They have such a misguided notion of love.

Back at the shore house Ronnie pops into the girls’ room and asks them what Sammi told them. Snooki won’t even look up from filing her nails, which is pretty awesome.

"Did I hear the sound of a walking piece of CRAP?"

Jwoww and Deena just say that after what went down they would have left too. Ronnie is all quiet, saying how he messed up something he really wanted (could have fooled me). The girls just sort of look back and forth at each other and keep busy rearranging items and sipping Red Bull. Ronnie tries again to get some sympathy, saying he doesn’t even want to sleep upstairs, boo hoo. He finally says he’s going to go and Jwoww says, “You do that.” No sympathy here, jackass!

Next he goes to Pauly D and Vinny to see if they will help him feel sorry for himself. Vinny goes, “If you need anything Pauly’s here for you.” Ha! Then Deena and Snooki decide they are bored out of their minds and in order to change that they’re going to throw cake in Vinny’s hair. Oh boy. So Deena sits down next to Vinny to distract him and Snooki comes up from behind and smashes cake in his face. Basically shoving him on the playground to show she likes him. Pauly D is thrilled because this means a prank war has been initiated. Vinny is all riled up, telling us how putting Snooki and Deena’s brains together still wouldn’t equal his, and he’s busy filling up a water balloon in the kitchen sink. But when he tries to tie it he twists it too many times and it bursts in his hands. What was that you were saying about your massive brain, Vinny?

The next plan is to get dog poop out of the garbage, put it in a plastic bag, poke holes in the bag and put the bag under Deena’s pillow. Luckily for Deena, she is hiding under her bed and witnesses the whole thing, so she just puts the poop bag under Vinny’s pillow.

"What's in here? It smells like Snooki."

I’m actually surprised anyone notices poop in their bedrooms when I think about what the whole house must smell like.

Vinny’s next move is to steal Snooki’s “Crocodilly” stuffed crocodile that she sleeps with every night. He ties a string around it and dangles it from the balcony in Ronnie and Sitch’s room. I honestly can’t believe this footage made the cut. Sure enough, once Snooki has prepped her false eyelashes for bed, she discovers that Crocodilly is missing. She wanders all over the house, looking under blankets, behind couches, all the while calling out, “Croc?” as if her stuffed animal might hear her and come running. The boys play dumb (not a stretch), but after a brief interlude Sitch takes Snooki to the balcony and shows her the dangling crocodile.

"Now I can get it in tonight."

Vinny does not at all appreciate his prank being cut short. He calls Mike on it and wants to know why he would ruin everything. Mike’s like, “I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know how serious it was.” So Vinny renames Mike “Snitch-uation” and everyone laughs like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. NEXT!

Well Ronnie made it through the night without Sam. Imagine that. He goes off to work at the t-shirt store with Deena and Snooki. And guess what. He’s left two clogged toilets behind him. Make that three. The next few minutes detail Vinny trying to unplug a toilet and I can’t watch it, sorry. It looks like there’s no indoor plumbing at the Jersey Shore house for the moment.

Over at the store, Snooki would like to take advantage of Danny’s unclogged toilet, but she can’t get to it because Ronnie has locked himself in there to cry like a three-year-old. He bawls to us about how much he misses Sammi and wants to come home to her. Certainly a different tune than the one he was singing last night while he was throwing her bed out the door and smashing her glasses! At home the other roommies are trying to figure out what they can do to bring Ronnie back to life so that he can enjoy himself as single Ronnie. Jwoww offers to move all of Sammi’s crap downstairs so that he won’t always be looking at it and thinking of her. That actually makes sense.

When Ronnie gets home he orders flowers for Sammi and her sister. For Sammi to say he’s sorry and for her sister because it’s her birthday. Oh my gosh, does he honestly think sending her flowers after what happened is going to make anything okay? Sending flowers is easy! That’s so pathetic. As he orders the add-ons - a balloon, a teddy bear and chocolate, Jwoww has the same look on her face that I do. Pathetic.

Chocolates mean destruction of property never happened.

The boys go to get their hair cut (and Mike’s eyebrows waxed) and Deena and Jwoww set about moving all of Sammi’s stuff downstairs. Deena points out that if Sammi comes back she needs to stay with the girls. Another good point. Naturally they stumble across a pair of disgusting stinking underwear. This episode is totally skeeving me out. They decide that when Ronnie asks where Sammi’s stuff went they will say they don’t know. Um, why? The reasons they gave for moving her stuff seem very practical and legitimate. But I guess practical and legitimate don’t mean anything to Ronnie. Still, dumb plan. Like he won’t figure it out and use it as ammo against them forever?

So when Ronnie comes home he realizes that everything is gone, except they’ve forgotten one bag. Like a cosmetic bag. He brings it downstairs and starts putting two and two together. He asks Deena and Jwoww if they moved Sammi’s stuff and they both say no. Good grief, who do they expect him to think it was? The Underpants Gnomes? The next thing Jwoww does is go over to the duck phone and call Sam. Ronnie is still wandering around, so he hears her say hi to Sam and this is all presented like it’s a horror movie. Like any second something is going to blow. All Jwoww says to Sam is that she has to go to work, k bye. Ronnie says that the girls should mind their business and only get involved if it effects them. Or benefits him, I might add. Also? Pauly D, Sitch, Snooki and Deena go drive go karts.

Most likely to find a working bathroom.

Later, Deena’s stomach is hurting and it’s mainly due to the fact that none of the toilets in the house work. This episode is downright fascinating, isn’t it? Oh, here’s something. Sammi’s sister calls Ronnie to say thank you for her flowers. She says that Sammi also says thank you but she’s not home right now. Just then you hear Sammi going, “Yes I am!” You can practically see her diving head first for the phone for a fleeting hint of her abuser’s voice. She says thank you, he says you’re welcome, and that’s it.

Back to our bathroom storyline, Pauly D is trying to make himself fresh to death when he spots a pair of dirty panties on bathroom floor. More dirty panties? He picks them up with a plastic fork and places them on the bean bag chair in the living room to be claimed.

"I hope this never touched my hair gel."

We never see exactly what is so disgusting, but apparently the panties are soiled somehow. All the roommies pass by and take a look, but no one will claim ownership.

Maybe not Jwoww's panties.

Thankfully Pauly D pipes up with the ONLY funny line of this whole miserable episode. He goes, “They’re not mine. Mine’s are red. I got them same ones, ‘cept mine’s are red.” Mine’s? Ha ha ha ha! That’s the first time I’ve cracked a smile in 45 minutes!

They finally throw away the dirty underwear and conclude that it must belong to one of the hundreds of ho bags who parade through this place on a nightly basis. Vinny’s like, “The girls I bring home don’t wear underwear.” Then Deena says the wisest thing to ever pass her lips. “Or they take them off in the bathroom!” Hello!

It’s off to Karma! Deena is still constipated, so before leaving the roommates take turns joking about her name “Blast” meaning something totally different, and other various poop references. Deena doesn’t think it’s very funny. I don’t either. This episode is such a freaking reach!

"No way they'll actually air any of this."

Oooh, an ex-girlfriend of Pauly’s is at Karma tonight! Her name is Gina and she’s anorexic. Just as she and Pauly D are exchanging pleasantries, Sitch grabs Gina and proceeds to dry hump her on the dance floor three feet away. Catching crumbs again, Mike?

"Excellent. Robbery accomplished."

He tells Gina to come home with him, but she says she’s not like that and walks away. Pauly D tells us that girls he makes his girlfriend are smart enough not to fall for Sitch’s crap.

Meanwhile Ronnie is sulking. Sulking, pouting and crying. Snooki sits down with him and tells him that he said a lot of messed up things to Sam and that she deserves to be mad and go home to her family. Ronnie insists that he’ll get her back. When Snooki asks how, Ronnie says he’ll figure it out because he gets what he wants. Not because he wants what’s best for Sam, mind you, but because HE gets what HE wants. Could he be a bigger douchebag? Snooki tells him that she honestly believes that he and Sam shouldn’t be together. That’s what EVERYONE believes. Except Ron and Sam. Which is why it doesn’t matter and this will never end.

"No, I already bought the cage I'm going to keep her in."

Elsewhere Vinny has managed to round himself up a ho for the evening to come home and leave her underwear in the bathroom and Snooki is now complaining about the shortage of gorilla juiceheads on the premises. But as it comes time to leave, Snooki grabs herself a “little Mario Brother” and brings him home with her because, as she explains, she’s drunk and she wants to hook up. His name is Gianni, but no matter how many times he tells her she can’t remember.

Deena is shuffling along with all the other roommates on their way home, but she’s an angry drunk this evening. They start giving her more crap about being constipated and she’s ceased having any goodwill about the topic. After tripping and falling, Deena starts crying and saying she’s going to go home. Like home, home.

Never drink when you're constipated.

Sitch calls her Slopopotamus, which is a combination between a hippopotamus and a Slop Tart. He’s such a prick. When they get home, the only person trying to help her and get her out of the line of fire is none other than Ronnie. He pulls her out to the grill, tells her to calm down, and has her help him barbecue. Now Deena thinks she’s eternally indebted to her new brother Ronnie. Good luck with that, Deena. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome.

As Snooki pulls Gianni through the living room and up to the smoosh room, Vinny recognizes him as being one of the guys who busted in to rescue a girl out of his arms a couple of weeks ago. Remember that? The girl whose uncle and entourage pulled her away from Vinny’s loving embrace? Well, turnabout is fair play, so Vinny and Pauly D run into the smoosh room and announce that they are rescuing Snooki. They drag her out, then let her back in and oh ha ha how clever. While she’s getting down to business, Gianni tells her to say his name. Really? I didn’t think guys cared. Snooki can’t remember so she calls him Bernard. Good enough.

Vinny is also trying to make some headway with his ho and Mike decides that now is a good time to bring him a hamburger. He comes in and pesters Vinny to taste this amazing hamburger until Vinny finally takes a bite just to shut him up. Mike is the absolute WORST. In an annoying jerk kind of way, not the Ronnie way.

Robbery Attempt of the Evening #2

Back to Ronnie and his gentle sobbing. Deena, feeling that she owes Ronnie something, admits that she and Jwoww moved Sammi’s stuff downstairs. Ronnie’s mad, but thankful to Deena. Then he says he, too, needs to go home and sort himself out. Please do! But he doesn’t start packing, he just goes to bed.

Next week! The roommies go to Manhattan and Sammi returns. It’s not clear for how long.

So this episode was pretty lame I thought. Maybe they SHOULD have made one season out of seasons 2 and 3 because some of these vignettes are killing me. What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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