Monday, February 28, 2011

Jersey Shore: When Dogs Attack

"Is my bronzer smeared?"

We come back to the shore house to find Snooki attempting to cuddle with Gianni, her latest one night smoosh. She asks if he’ll spoon her, but he doesn’t know what that means so Snooki decides he’s served his purpose and sends him on home. Later she proudly announces to Jwoww that she had sex and her vagina is killing her. Wow, she’s getting on my last nerve. But since she’s already over Gianni she gets on the phone to call her friend Nick, who is way hotter than Gianni anyway. Nick is the guy Roger brought over to the t-shirt store to cheer Snooki up a couple of episodes ago. Snooki asks Nick if he wants to hang out later. When he says to call her, she goes, “Are you going to answer??” Way to play it cool, Snooks. Guys love that desperate clingy tone.

"I'll DIE if you don't want me!"

Pauly D, Mike and Deena are slotted to aggravate Danny today, so they all arrive and quickly decide to go on break, which they decide is going to last an hour.

You know Danny gets more done when they're gone anyway.

Meanwhile, Ronnie gets on the phone to his dad for some whining time. He needs advice on what to do when you abuse your girlfriend and she leaves like a selfish whore. He wants to come home to sulk, but his dad suggests instead that he’ll come visit Ronnie and give him a pep talk.

Back to not-working, Sitchy D is trying to win a super miniature motorcycle at a carnival game and after wasting a hundred dollars on the game, they just pay the carnies for the motorcycle and go back to work.

Ronnie’s dad, who is much skinnier than Ronnie, arrives and paces the boardwalk with Ronnie while Ronnie tells his sob story about Sammi going home.

"After everything I've done for her, dad. She runs out on me."

He conveniently leaves out the part where he called her horrible names and destroyed all of her belongings. The point is, Ronnie wants to go home like Sammi did, but his dad tells him that even if he comes home, he’ll still be stuck in his own mind with the same problems. So true, Ronnie’s dad, so true. What he actually says is, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Sorry to break it to you Ronnie, but no matter where you run to, you’ll always be Ronnie and you’ll always suck and you’ll always have to live with that. And so his dad convinces him to stay and have fun with the guys, and deal with things on-camera at the shore house, but be sure to call if he ever needs anything. Basically, stay away from my house, boy!

"Your mother gets very upset when you come within city limits."

The diligent worker bees come home from Danny’s shop and everyone takes turns riding the miniature motorcycle around on the patio. Pauly D describes Ronnie riding the little bike as a bear in a circus. Good imagery, Pauly D!

"Someone hurry, put Sammi's glasses in my path!"

It’s time for Snooki to call Nick like they discussed, so she calls and what do you know? He doesn’t answer. Snooki is totes put out and leaves a really pissed off message. Come on, that doesn’t work! You have to be breezy, nonchalant and preoccupied with other things. THAT’S what gets guys’ attention. What’s up with the bratty pouting? But does she listen to me? No, she proceeds to call him like 20 times and leave tons of messages. Jwoww wonders if maybe Snooki inadvertently hooked up with one of Nick’s friends and that’s why he’s not answering. Well, let’s find out. Jwoww’s on the case. She calls Roger and finds out that Gianni is Jeff’s cousin. Remember Jeff? The guy that had been engaged in the past, so Snooki kicked him to the curb? Well he and Gianni are cousins, and Jeff is good friends with Nick, so Nick knows everything and I guess he’s not down with stirring his buddies’ vanilla. Snooki actually seems quite amused and a little proud by this explanation of why Nick is ignoring her. FML, she says.

"So who knows who the baby daddy is? At least they're all friends!"

Sorry, but I’m fastforwarding through another clogged toilet escapade. Just can’t do it.

Snooki makes a sexual advance at Vinny in a joking-but-not-really sort of way and he tells her he can’t believe she smooshed Gianni. That little indiscretion is haunting her big time. She tells Deena it wasn’t even worth it. Then Vinny starts lecturing Snooki on how dumb it is for her to bang guys the night she meets them. Snooki is irritated because, of course, Vinny constantly bangs girls the night he meets them.

"Stop acting like a desperate slut."

What a ridiculous hypocrite. Vinny tries to back pedal by saying he just didn’t like that particular fellow Gianni. Oh, yeah, the one who stopped you from sleeping with that girl you just met a few episodes ago? Figures.

Let’s hit Bamboo! Vinny and Snooki dance together and Snooki renews her hopes of making Vinny her boyfriend. Jwoww has run into a couple of gentlemen who are wearing shirts that say “Male Escort Service” on the back.

"No, an escort. You'd be surprised how many ladies just want someone to talk to."

And wouldn’t you know it - they know Roger. I immediately jump to the conclusion that Roger is a prostitute. Then I wonder if that would even bother Jwoww. Then I realize I’m getting ahead of myself - Roger knows everyone! When one of the male hookers starts hitting on Jwoww, she tells him to text Roger and tell him that she misses him. She’s not going to make the same mistake Snooki made by hooking up with one of Roger’s friends. Good call. Wouldn’t want to mess things up with your personal prostitute. And that does it for Bamboo tonight!

At home Snooki jumps into Vinny’s bed to snuggle, but he kisses her forehead and tells her to go to her own bed. Snooki complains that when Vinny’s sober he wants nothing to do with her. That’s right - when he’s sober he wants nothing to do with her. Snooki, maybe you should say things in your head to see how they sound before you say them out loud. Vinny tells Pauly D he’s mainly concerned that Snooki had sex with someone last night and that’s gross.

"I only sleep with virgins."

I wonder how many of the ho’s he bangs have slept with dirtbags the night before. These standards seem so arbitrary.

Oh geez, Ronnie is calling Sammi. And she’s talking to him!

"Who am I kidding? Let's keep ruining each other's lives!"

They ask each other how they’re doing and then Ronnie wants to know what is to become of them as a couple. Instead of just telling him to eff himself, Sammi’s like, “You put me through a lot... I always knew what I had and you didn’t.” Just the same old crap. Ronnie’s like, “I was wrong, you’re right...” I wonder how those words tasted coming out of his mouth. Sammi offers to be friends (huh?), which Ronnie passes on. Yeah, that wouldn’t be a good setup, either. These two are the worst friends in the history of humanity. He tells her to enjoy her family and he tells us that if she comes back he can’t be in the same house with her. Well, your dad won’t let you come home, so whatcha gonna do, Ronnie?

Later Snooki and Deena break marshmallows in half and stick them all over the house, laughing maniacally the whole time.

"It's like we live in CandyLand!"

They decide to celebrate this triumph by going to Jenk’s, whatever that is. I’m guessing some sort of drinking establishment. They want to call a cab, but Mike has commandeered the duck phone. After whining at him enough, he hangs up and offers to call the cab for them. He calls, but tells the cab service that this is a big surprise and the cab is going to secretly take the girls to Times Square. I guess this is to get rid of them for a while... and to escalate the ongoing prank war. There’s trouble, though, when Vinny hears that the girls are going to Jenk’s and he wants to go with them. Mike has to pull him aside and convince him that this is actually a prank.

"Woohoo! We're going to Jenk's! Here's a marshmallow!"

The girls hop in the cab when it arrives and start flirting with the grandpa-aged driver. They’re only mildly confused when the driver sails past the exit they’re supposed to take. He tells them that due to traffic they have to go “the back way,” so the girls are just like, “okay, cool.” And go back to their flirting and general annoying.

"Easiest $200 I ever made."

At home the guys decide they’re going to go have dinner and a place called Rivoli’s. Everyone gets ready to leave except for Mike, who sits yapping on the phone. When he finally hangs up he tells the guys he needs five minutes to get ready. But he gets upstairs and starts shaving and going through his extensive grooming process.

"What's the hurry?"

Every so often he calls out an ETA: five minutes, three minutes, but he never emerges. The guys have finally had it and leave him there. Awesome. He’s such a jerk, sitting on the phone for hours, wanting to come out with the guys but refusing to get ready, then taking forever to get ready while they all wait by the door. I would have left him a long time ago.

As they drive to Rivoli’s the guys discuss what a jackass Mike is, like how he tried to hook up with Pauly D’s ex. Uh, yes! He sucks! He’s sucked all along, but he manages to be charming just often enough to make these retards forget. Mike’s still at home putting on all of his jewelry and by the time he finally comes downstairs the guys are long gone. He doesn’t take this well at all. He sulks and gets Jwoww to drive him to get take out. The funniest moment of the episode happens as these two are driving home from where they got food. Jwoww is driving with her two dogs on her lap and Mike gets irritated with the car in front of them, so he reaches over to honk the horn. As he does this the little Pomeranian with the pink bow in her hair freaks out and bites his hand. Exactly, little dog! Do you know how many people have been longing to do just such a thing? Well done!

Please draw blood. And maybe have rabies?

Mike comes home, spreads his food out at the table, and carries on a conversation like everyone else is there with him. Is this supposed to teach them a lesson or something? Cause they’re all over at Rivoli’s gorging themselves on mountains of Italian food. Mike SUCKS. Have I mentioned that yet? He’s the most annoying idiot ever.

Oh here’s Sammi at her family’s house, getting ready to come back to the shore house. Like for good. Her mom and sister sit her down and tell her to be careful because there is no doubt that Ronnie will try to win her back. Her sister says that if Ronnie isn’t nice to Sam, she’ll come down there and “have a talk with him.” Are they kidding? Have a talk with him? The guy who destroyed all of her things? Yeah, let’s have a talk with him. That’ll fix everything. Who ARE these morons? And look what is ominously decorating the house.

She may not have glasses or clothes, but she has tri-colored roses.

Of course Sammi kept these and proudly displayed them as proof that Ronnie is sorry. I don't believe any of her speech about learning so much during this time to herself. Puh-lease.

Meanwhile, Snooki and Deena finally realize that they’ve been sent to Manhattan. This happens, of course, when Manhattan comes into view. Excellent detective skills, ladies. They’re super pissed off now and demand that the driver turn around and take them home. But not before stopping off at a liquor store to make the ride home a little more interesting. They declare that they are done with Mike. You and everyone else. Speaking of which, the guys are coming home from Rivoli’s. Mike says they’re acting a little cowardly, hanging their heads and avoiding eye contact. He says that is how the troops act without their General. I have no idea what kind of fantasy is playing out in his head. I mean, he was just blatantly ditched and he narrates it to us like they guys are super ashamed of it. What a loser.

Vinny belches to the camera and tells us what a gluttonous piece of crap he is. Yes, I’ll agree with that, Vinny. Ronnie asks Jwoww if Mike is pissed, which, yes he is. Pauly D tries to offer him some of the leftovers they’ve brought home, but Mike waves him off and tries to guilt him about the troops ditching the General.

"I don't want any of the pathetic food yous guys got widout me."

Pauly D tells us that ditching Mike has shown him to take them seriously. When they say they’re leaving, they’re leaving. I’m with you Pauly D, but I don’t think Mike is. He’s over there talking about how embarrassed the guys are for being mean to him.

Drunk Snooki and Deena conclude that Vinny will now have to sleep with Snooki to win her back after lying about the cab. They come running into the house screaming about how much fun they had in the city. Yeah right, if only. This was their chance to party in New York and all they did was buy some alcohol at a liquor store. What losers. At least they tell Mike where to go. He kind of wimps out, and apologizes, telling them that he thought they’d be able to turn around at the turnpike. Snooki also tells Vinny she’s pissed at him for not telling her what was going on and he just says it wasn’t his idea and he wasn’t getting involved.

"Oh. Wanna have sex then?"

Now Pauly D comes in and with a mock-serious tone says, “I just heard... that you guys are mad at me... but I didn’t do anything.” He even says the last part while waving his head around like a girl. It’s freaking awesome. He goes on, “So I’m mad at YOU for being mad at ME for no reason! So try and talk to me. I’m mad! Pissed!” Then he pretends to storm out, but quickly comes back to ask them when they figured out they weren’t going to Jenk’s. Ha ha ha! Well played, Pauly D. You are my favorite guy.


As everyone decides which club they’re going to tonight, Sammi quietly walks in the front door. Pauly D goes, “Hi Sam!” and Ronnies face immediately drops in horror.

"So much for my bonding time with the guys. I'm calling my dad!"

Sammi says she feels much better and Ronnie goes outside without saying anything. That’s right, leave with your tail between your legs!

Next week! Ronnie launches his get-Sammi-back campaign, and Snooki gets desperate about Vinny. Ha! Pathetic all around. See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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