Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bethenny Ever After: Malibu is a Place of Yes

Well thankfully Bethenny doesn’t throw any tantrums in this episode, so maybe I can go back to somewhat enjoying sharing her adventures without wanting to pull her hair. Let’s see what she’s up to, shall we?

Bryn's like, "Who's this lady?"

Bethenny and Julie are checking into the Presidential Suite of the Hilton in Short Hills, New Jersey. This hotel is having a Grand Opening of their spa and giving out Bethenny’s book as part of it, so Bethenny is getting the VIP treatment. But as she will be busy signing her book for all of her fans, she tells us she won’t even have time for a massage. In fact, they barely have a moment to take in the room before Bethenny has to get into hair and makeup and head downstairs for the book signing. And Presidential Suite it is. Complete with an electric toilet that comes with front and rear cleansing. Hmmmmm, sounds interesting, but I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about all the other people who have stayed in that room and used it.

Communal bathing of the 21st century.

Bethenny emerges for the signing in a tight purple dress which doesn’t allow for a bra. And here is the ever-faithful Julie, helping Bethenny put a bra on in the hallway then take it off again when it fails to shield her nipples. Ah the life of the personal assistant. Sure enough, when Bethenny gets to posing for photos, she’s pointing right at the camera.

Is it cold out here, or does someone need some petals?

Then she sits down to sign books and bask in her popularity with her fans. She says she enjoys the dialogue with her fans about inspiring one another. Awwwww. I’m more inclined to think nice things when we’ve gone five minutes without a tantrum or complaint.

"So glad I could inspire you today! Buy Skinny Girl!"

And we’re back to the practice rink with Napoleon Dynamite! Bethenny tells us she’s made it all the way through to the finale of Skating with the Stars, so I guess we’re not going to see every round here. No worries! I watched them all on YouTube and can report to you that I was actually very impressed with everything Bethenny learned. To go from hardly being able to skate to the routines she was doing is quite the accomplishment. I DO have to say, though, that she pulled kind of an attitude when the judges critiqued her. The first couple of weeks she just kept announcing that she didn’t care what the judges thought; she was just there to skate for her fans. While that may have been true, it wasn’t exactly a good strategy to talk like that. It came across as very pissy and ungracious. More on that later.

Now Bethenny is telling us how silly her decision was to come on Skating with the Stars because it’s taken so much of her time and energy. But she came from a place of yes! So here she is being lifted and spun by Napoleon and trying to keep herself from emotionally falling to pieces on the ice.

Touchdown! Is that right?

Moving on, Bethenny and Jason are in the process of replacing Gina with an actual nanny to take care of Bryn while they are busy coming from a place of yes to the entire public and media. Bethenny mentions a lady named Dawa who was referred by a friend of the family and the thing that excites Bethenny the most is that Dawa is Tibetan and Indian, implying that she will be very calm and peaceful. Ha ha! By the way, Cookie’s breed is Tibetan, which is another good sign. That actually blows the “calm and peaceful” theory right out of the water.

We have a brief interlude when Jason, Bethenny and Bryn are at a restaurant and Bethenny talks about her upcoming speaking tour. She wants Jason to get an RV (wrapped, of course, in Skinny Girl branding) so that they can drive around as a family during the tour. Apparently Jason no longer has to work, I don’t know. Jason is totally into the idea until Bethenny tells him that she won’t be allowing anyone to poop on the RV. OMG, is she kidding?

"Are you even aware of the male plumbing apparatus?"

Jason’s like, “What’s the bathroom for then?” But nope, Bethenny says that they will find some public restroom to poop in during the entire tour. Jason’s like, whatever. But to us he says that if he has to go on the RV, he will go. I hope he does. Talk about anal retentive.

And here’s Dawa! Apparently she’s hired because she comes in and makes herself at home. Jason and Bethenny bicker for a minute over how to correctly pronounce “Dawa,” then Bethenny gets right in to telling Dawa that she will be the one who needs the most help, being that she’s crazy and likes everything a very certain way.

"You think I'm a psychiatrist? I'm just here to watch the baby."

Dawa just says that Bryn looks sleepy and then follows Bethenny around on a tour of the condo. Bethenny is actually kind of endearing here, showing Dawa where everything is and pointing out that there’s Tylenol in case she (Bethenny) ever talks too much and gives Dawa a headache. Dawa has no questions and says she’ll ask them things as they come up. She seems very sweet and like she knows what she’s doing.

Remember David? Our slacker CEO from Skinny Girl Central? Well, he’s here at the condo to have a sit-down with Jason and tell him that they are now all caught up in distribution and available in 40 states. And they should be in all 50 by summer. Bethenny walks in, saying she’s so glad that sometimes Jason can fill in for her. And with that, she sits right down and starts interrupting. Jason immediately tells her to stop and that he will talk to her about everything later. You go, Jason!

Ah, back to another domestic scene with Dawa. Bethenny is sitting on the couch with wet hair holding Bryn and Dawa asks if Bethenny would like her hair done. It turns out that Dawa was a hairdresser in India. Bethenny is elated. If Dawa is smart she will charge extra for doing hair because you know Bethenny pays big bucks for people to come in with hot rollers. Julie is summoned to hear the good news and we learn that Dawa can not just blow out, but also cut and color. Ask for a raise now, Dawa! And as Dawa blow dries Bethenny’s hair, she and Julie further discuss the idea of the Skinny Girl tour bus and how Bryn will be properly restrained while driving around.

"Can't I just hold her like this while I drive? Britney did it."

Jason and Bethenny go out to dinner again. For all of Bethenny’s complaining, these two seem to have their fair share of date nights. Like several an episode. They discuss Dawa and Bethenny says she’s “nanorexic” because she’s too terrified to eat. That’s pretty funny. Bethenny also wants to know why Skinny Girl is only in 40 out of 50 states. This is when last year they were in 13. Jason tells her to chill out and enjoy the moment. We learn that several large companies are interested in buying Skinny Girl. Ironically these are companies Bethenny pitched her drink to originally and they told her to get lost. That must have been before her reality fame. Makes all the difference, I tell you. Saves companies a crap ton in marketing expenses.

I knew we’d gone too long without complaint, so here we are back in Dr. Amador’s office for Bethenny to talk about how overwhelmed she is. And how much she would like to just slow down and enjoy her life and all the good things that are happening. She never will. Never. I don’t care how many times she says it. Can you imagine this woman without 150 simultaneous projects? Dr. Amador nods and says she seems better than when they first started therapy. Time’s up!

Please note the legitimate diploma strategically placed for the camera.

Bethenny has a plan for Christmas, which is to rent a house on the beach in Malibu for a week leading up to her Skating with the Stars finale. Jason says cool, but they need to spend a couple of days with his parents at some point since it is their first Christmas with a grandchild. Bethenny agrees. And so Bethenny, Bryn, Julie and Dawa pack up and head to the airport. Notice Bethenny needs two servants to go on her family vacation. Jason is staying behind for a couple of days to get some work done and he is beyond excited to have the house to himself and get some freaking peace and quiet. Is it a good sign that this soon after their wedding Jason is completely elated when his wife leaves?

Arriving in Malibu, the house is an absolute DREAM. It is so nice to get away from all of the “stuff” of your own house and relax somewhere with no clutter. And this house has the added bonus of being right on the beach and absolutely luxurious. There are three floors, a steam shower, multiple fireplaces, and floor to ceiling windows looking out at the waves. This would be heaven. Bethenny laments having to be here to ice skate instead of just to relax with her family. Place of yes, Bethenny! She says she had to ice skate because of her mid-life crisis. “I might as well be a 54-year-old man getting plugs with a small dick and buying a red Ferrari.” Ha! Totally true.

Bethenny tells Julie that Johnny Weir (one of the Skating with the Stars judges) went on TV last night and said that since Bethenny doesn’t care what the judges think, he doesn’t care to watch her anymore. It’s true, I saw it. And while yes, that was pathetic and childish, Bethenny DID clearly state several times that she didn’t care what the judges think. Julie points out that as a contestant, Bethenny can say whatever she wants, but the judges can’t be biased. Hmm, that sounds like a lot of rationalization to me. I think there was a fair amount of inappropriate behavior on both sides. Why would you piss off the judges when they’re the ones “guiding” the viewing audience on how they should vote? Plus, they are judges for a reason - they know what they’re talking about. It’s probably not the best idea to verbally take a crap on their faces.

Napoleon comes over to check out the Malibu pad. They discuss the war with the judges and Napoleon is kind of dumbfounded about it. He was actually really funny on the SWTS episode where Johnny Weir said he didn’t care to watch Bethenny anymore. Almost before he was done saying it, Napoleon grabbed the mic and said, “We’ll just go get our scores then!” Hee hee. Poor guy. Those are HIS colleagues he’ll probably deal with for the rest of his life. Anyway, Napoleon and Bethenny walk outside and down onto the beach and Cookie starts tearing around like a mad dog. Aw, so cute. She’s never had all this open space to run around in before. This is what my dog used to do after she’d get a bath. It was like she was free at last and had to feel the wind in her fur.

Bethenny decides to take a Skinny Girl margarita to the neighbors. Always marketing!

Bethenny says over and over how badly she wants to move out to LA. She thinks it might help her chill out a little to be away from the hectic mood of NYC.

Nothing's going to help this woman chill out. Has she considered whether this palace is baby proof?

Later the whole gang has some food and relaxes in the living room. Napoleon comments on how calm and silent Bryn is, observing that Cookie is a lot harder to deal with than Bryn. Bethenny is very lucky in that regard. Can you imagine if she had a baby who was as tightly wound as she is? Talk about never getting any sleep. They turn on the stereo, which is replaced for us with more hokey, non-licensed music, and everyone dances on the coffee table while Cookie eats all the human food off of the plate Bethenny leaves on a low table. Aw, everyone is having a nice night.

Triple axel, Napoleon!

Next week! Jason gets to the glorious Malibu house, more ice skating, and the Skinny Girl tour bus makes its first appearance. See you there!

So tonight was a nice break from the moaning and fit throwing we’ve gotten used to. It was almost like a glimpse from the Bethenny we used to know. What did you guys think? And what happened to our scene with Nick?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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