Thursday, April 21, 2011

Bethenny Ever After: Turkey Tantrum

Hello beloved readers! Glad you could join me for another hour of celebrating Bethenny’s glory while she complains about everything. This recap made even more impressive by the fact that I am, of course, a newlywed.

"What? I'm not the only newlywed doing stuff?"

This episode is a series of vignettes, each of which is bookended with snippets from a session with Dr. Amador. Great, what pearls of wisdom or horrors from the past will our good doctor be passively sharing this time? Bethenny starts with this tragic story of taking a redeye flight home from LA, going straight to the ice skating rink for three hours, then coming home and - while still in her ice skating clothes, mind you - prepping and cooking Thanksgiving dinner, which didn’t go well. I hate to point this out again, but every single one of those circumstances were things she volunteered for. None were mandatory. None couldn’t have been done by someone else or rescheduled. But no, no, Bethenny comes from a place of yes. She says yes to everything right away, then spends the rest of her life whining about it and pointing out how rough she has it and how much she’s taken on. She warns us that on Thanksgiving she cracked. Shocking.

We go back to one week before Thanksgiving. Gay bestie Jake has come to watch Bethenny pack her bag for her ice skating journey to LA, where the first episode will be taped, or aired live, whichever.

Jake: "You're going to pay me since this is Julie's job, right?"

She goes over the other Skating with the Stars contestants, pointing out which ones she’s afraid of and which ones she doesn’t think will be competition. We learn that Gina is not coming on this trip due to a medical issue, so Veronica the makeup artist will be playing the role of Bryn’s nanny. I’m kind of amused that Jason can’t just take care of Bryn. If he’s traveling with Bethenny then he won’t be working, right? Or here’s a thought: Bring Jason’s parents. Remember those people who are dying to spend more time with the baby? Bethenny tells Jake that she wants to move to Beverly Hills. She says Beverly Hills is so she can be “central,” but please. Honestly, there are much better places to live in LA than Beverly Hills. Then she tells us she thinks Bryn will love living in California. Um, Bryn has no idea where she is, but ok. I’m sure YOU will love telling people you live in Beverly Hills and that’s what really matters.

Later that night Gina sits Bethenny down and tells her that she is having surgery on Friday and this will mark the end of her time as the baby nurse. Bethenny bursts into tears and worries whether Gina will be okay, but more importantly, wonders who is going to take care of her baby now. She tells Gina she has to help find a new nanny. Even Jason is all flustered wondering how they are going to find new help. Tears all around.

"Quiet down, Gina. I have to figure out what I'm going to do now."

We learn that Gina was supposed to help with newborn Bryn for one month, but it’s now been seven months. Hey, Gina knows a cushy situation when she sees one. Although if it were me, I would have gotten out of there the minute one month was up. I even had a dream last night that I was babysitting Bryn and Jason yelled at me. No kidding, this show is getting into my subconscious.

We cut back in to Dr. Amador, who asks Bethenny what she would have done differently now that she’s looking back. Bethenny can’t even imagine anyone else cooking Thanksgiving dinner because she loves the way she cooks it, and she couldn’t get out of skating at that point, so the only thing she would have done is postponed Thanksgiving. Yes Bethenny, I’m sure your way of cooking the dinner that every household in America eats is just that special. Certainly Carol couldn’t have even come close - not even with your recipes in front of her.

Ah, here we are in LA, and where are Jason and Bethenny staying? Why the Beverly Wilshire of course! The hotel from Pretty Woman! The hotel at the tip of Rodeo Drive itself! Apparently Jason has never been to Rodeo Drive before, so the little family takes a stroll around the obscenely priced street of shops. At one point Bethenny points out some jewelry she’d like and Jason says he’d have to sell a testicle. A testicle? Wrong reference, Jason. Your sperm isn’t that valuable. Bethenny gives him crap about that very thing.

"Your testicle might get me some earrings from Claire's."

Jason thinks that Rodeo Drive is very calm compared to New York. Head to somewhere less pretentious, Jason. Like Venice Beach. You’ll see all the out-of-work actors and resident homeless bustling around like nobody’s business. Beyond that, people are in their cars in LA, instead of on the sidewalk, and that’s the biggest difference. Speaking of which, they point to a yellow Ferrari that has pulled up next to them. Bethenny calls it a small penis car, which is totally true. Guys in LA drive around in cars like that, then pull up to their studio apartments which house nothing but a wall-sized flat screen TV. Priorities.

As they stroll around, various fans approach Bethenny to tell her they love her and get photos taken with her. Bethenny is very nice and says yes to everyone. I wonder how long before she starts telling people she just wants to be left alone. Jason says this fan bombardment is how he feels in Hazleton. Ha ha ha ha ha!

My mom still looks through the tiny camera window too. She doesn't like the newfangled digital screen that enables you to hold the camera away from your face.

They head over to an ice rink somewhere so Bethenny can practice her routine one last time with Napoleon Dynamite. Bethenny claims that she is no longer nervous and they do their routine to some crappy music the show didn’t have to pay licensing fees for. When she finishes, Jason says, “Are you happy mommy?” Stop. We’re going here again. This was not Jason talking to Bryn saying, “Is mommy happy?” This is Jason directly addressing Bethenny as if he were a small child and she were his mother. No likey. Now, my parents constantly said things like, “Dad will be home later,” or “Ask mom if you can go.” But they didn’t ADDRESS each other as mom and dad, or mommy and daddy. They had nicknames for each other that weren’t their parental titles. Sorry, but it’s creepy. They are not each other’s parents. And just because it creeps me out so much, my adorable (brand new) husband has started calling me “mama,” and laughing like crazy at the face I make.

Back to Dr. Amador, where Bethenny complains that not only is she heroically taking on everything at one time, but also she can not sleep at night. Wow, I don’t feel bad for her.

LA again, where Bethenny and Jason take a drive around Beverly Hills to point out potential future homes. Bethenny keeps bringing up that Beverly Hills isn’t right on the beach, and will that be okay? Oh my gosh, Los Angeles IS right on the beach. It’s a huge city with many neighborhoods, but it is directly on the ocean. Living in Beverly Hills, or anywhere in the city, means maybe a 20 minute drive to the beach, which is not that big of a deal. Like these two are going to be hitting the beach anyway. They’re too busy being perpetually busy and overworked. They come across a house that is up for sale and pull into the driveway. They get out and peek into the windows, then trespass by climbing over a fence into a tiny backyard with a tiny pool.

Totally worth getting busted to check out the tiny yard of a fuggo house.

This is why I’m not enamored of Beverly Hills. It’s these ancient houses with small yards and everyone is crammed in. If they really want to live like celebs they need to head up into the Hollywood Hills. There are properties up there that go on for miles. They finally leave before the neighbors call the police. Jumping fences with a camera crew in tow isn’t exactly stealth.

Later at the hotel they do bathies with Bryn and she pees all over various bedding. Then Jason and Bethenny go to Cut for a dinner away from their hectic lives. Of course the makeup artist stays with the baby. Bethenny wants to know how Jason feels about Los Angeles, meaning how would he feel about living there. He says he wouldn’t want to live there, but he’ll be happy as long as he’s with Bryn and Bethenny. Bethenny asks how it would be not being able to see his parents every couple of weeks. Jason gets defensive and says they only see them once a month and that it would be difficult to be far away, but he’s a grown up and his family comes first. Bethenny worries that he will feel guilty leaving them. Jason says Bethenny makes him feel like a mama’s boy who can’t stand to be away from his parents. Bethenny’s like, “I never said that, that’s your interpretation.”

"Stop making me feel like the crazy one! I'm not the crazy one! I am overworked and get no sleep! And I have a brand new baby and... wait. What?"

Okay, she didn’t exactly say it, but she’s hinted at it like 20 times an episode. He didn’t exactly pull it out of thin air. She insists that’s not what she thinks and that he’s totally overreacting and she didn’t SAY those words. Now she’s all defensive saying this is his fault, his interpretation, and not her fault at all. They’re both pissed now. I can see this issue being a real problem for them for a long time to come. But tonight, eventually they laugh and move on.

Before dawn the next morning Bethenny is up and getting ready to head over to Skating with the Stars. She leaves with a pillow, which confuses me, but whatever. We cut right to Bethenny and Napoeon skating onto the ice stage in front of the live audience. Bethenny is wearing a skin tight red sequined mini dress with no cute ice skating skirt.

"Twenty dollars gets you what's under here."

Once again we have the generic, non-licensed music while they go through the routine. I just looked it up on You Tube and they actually skated to “Right Round” by Flo Rida and Ke$ha. And honestly, with the real music the routine looked a lot less lame. Here with the fake music, Bethenny does all the moves correctly, but she looks very stiff and uncomfortable - which I’m sure she was. She did fine, it was just kind of uncomfortable to watch, because she looked so uncomfortable. One judge says she is static and looks like she’s on eggshells. Another judge says she needs to relax her shoulders. She gets fives across the board. She gives a positive live response, though, so good for her.

"But you like the poofy hair, though, right?"

Later at lunch Bethenny complains to Jason that the judges were so harsh - why couldn’t they just give her credit for showing up say they liked her outfit? Well, because they’re there to judge your skating, that’s the whole point. Gina has left an amusing message on Bethenny’s cell phone, though, which is a profanity filled rant about how crazy the judges are. Oh and by the way, her surgery went fine.

"Gina thought I was fantastic! So there! Hold on, what surgery?"

Oh, suddenly we’re back in New Jersey at the practice rink, so it must be Thanksgiving morning following the dreaded redeye. It looks like Bethenny made it through the first round because she and Napoleon are still working, so that’s good. Then at the condo - still in her ice skating clothes - Bethenny is not letting anybody help her with making dinner.

"Get out of here, Carol! This is MY recipe! You don't get it!"

She tells Dr. Amador that she let everyone help, but not really. I think by “help,” she means she let them stand around in the kitchen. But when the turkey comes out of the oven, horror of horrors, it’s still raw inside! Bethenny’s meltdown begins. Jason’s parents are like, “We’ll figure it out, it’s fine.” Bob even offers to slice up the turkey and put it in the microwave - how cute is he??? But Bethenny is already over the edge and inconsolable. And here is poor Julie - not at home with her own family, but here watching her boss freak out and start yelling at her to look up the oven on the internet and call the manufacturer. Bethenny continues to scream and bounce off the walls while everyone stands around looking at each other and waiting for it to end.

"So did you guys get to the beach in LA?"

I hope she’s embarrassed watching this. I understand that this would be frustrating, but there is no reason to act like a five-year-old in front of all these people who can’t do anything but stand by. It’s so awkward. Everybody is trying to stay positive and point out how much they have to be thankful for and everyone knows the raw turkey is just a fluke oven malfunction. And that a solution will be found. Jason and his dad cut up the turkey to put it back in the oven, but by this time Bethenny has stormed off. AWKWARD! Who wants to come back for Thanksgiving next year?

At least there is no TACKY folding table. Can you imagine?

So naturally Dr. Amador wants to know what Thanksgiving was like when Bethenny was growing up and she talks about her mom having these crazy rampages. For once, Dr. Amador says something useful and points out that Bethenny did exactly that to her own family. This is a stunning revelation for Bethenny. She is acting just like her evil mother? Her neglectful, crazy mother who put pictures of young Bethenny on the internet (certainly nothing like putting Baby Bryn on TV every week). This mother who made everyone tremble in fear while throwing crazy tantrums. Jeepers Bethenny, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it? Bethenny actually puts her head down when she realizes that she recreated her own hated mother in her own home on her own glorious Thanksgiving. Is Bethenny having a breakthrough? Did Dr. Amador actually bring up a valid point?


Next week! Bethenny is interviewing for a new nanny and still skating. I’m sure this is all very heroic and that she is still getting no sleep - but coming from a place of yes! Also, Foodie Friend Nick is back. See you then!

What do you guys think? Let’s hear all about it!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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