Bachelor Pad 2: Protecting a Terrified Heart

Let the backstabbing begin!

Hello, beloved readers! Can you believe that we’re embarking on Season 2 of Bachelor Pad? This show is an extra-special fun look at some of the lucky losers of Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons past. They’re grouped together in close quarters to compete in sexually charged challenges, pester each other, betray each other, and hopefully find true love and win a quarter of a million dollars. Sounds excellent, right? And in true ABC form, every episode is elongated to the point of sheer torment. This first one was THREE HOURS. But hey, you’ve got nothing else going on, right? You’ve been on the edge of your seat to be entertained thusly. Let’s do it!

I’ve conveniently condensed all of the introductions into photos and pertinent information. Just saved you an hour of viewing time. You’re welcome!

Justin the Wrestler (Rated R): From Ali’s season, eliminated for having a girlfriend at home.

Jackie: From Brad’s SECOND season, hates Michelle Money

Michelle Money: From Brad’s second season, known as the crazy, has a daughter, thinks she should win because her dad has cancer.

Gia: From Jake’s season, also from Bachelor Pad Season 1, got with Wes on Bachelor Pad, who cheated on her with Vienna. Now Gia hates Vienna and warns that Vienna is a complete fake, manipulator, and awful.

Vienna: “Won” Jake’s season, broke up with Jake on TV, alienated many people, super annoying, now dating Kasey, fake cries a lot, says repeatedly that she’s terrified of Jake.

Kasey: From Ali’s season, got a tattoo that says he will “guard and protect” someone’s heart. Mumbles horribly, says “protect” 14,000 times in the next three hours, hates Jake (who doesn’t?)

Jake: Pilot Bachelor, chose Vienna, broke up with Vienna on TV, total douche who goes to great lengths to come off as the “nice guy.” Complete fame and attention whore. Currently on this show and Famous Food.

Erica: From Prince Lorenzo’s season, always wears a tiara, thinks she is royalty.

Graham: From DeAnna’s season, wasn’t interested in DeAnna despite making it to the final four in the season, raises money for children’s charities.

Ella: From Jake’s season, has a son, shares that she witnessed her own mother’s murder (???).

Holly: From Matt’s season (London Calling), was engaged to Michael from Jillian’s season, broke up and got back together with Michael, still sits on her bed reading bride magazines, thinks Blake is cute because he uses big words like “dysfunctional.”

Michael: From Jillian’s season, heartbroken over Holly.

Blake: From Ashley’s season, eliminated after pouting that Ashley was hung up on Bentley, calls Erica thick.

Ames: From Ashley’s season, big forehead, doesn’t say much.

Alli: From Brad’s second season... who?

Melissa: From Brad’s second season... who?

Kirk: Um, who?

William: From Ashley’s season, was mean to Ashley at the “roast” date, which, incidentally, is what you are supposed to be in a roast.

The get-to-know-you cocktail party consists of everyone scoping each other out, giggling nervously, and acting surprised when their arch nemeses walk through the door. I’m taking a liking to Gia and Michelle for outright snubbing the girls they don’t like - Vienna and Jackie, respectively. They both just smile and sort of nod when their rivals greet them with enthusiastic “hiieeeeeeeees.”

Much is made over the impending reunion between Jake and Vienna. So much, in fact, that it takes up most of the time on this three hour episode. When they finally come face to face, Vienna is standing next to Kasey and wearing his jacket. She stands there with her well-rehearsed “terrified” expression while Jake acts all “Golly-gosh, how’s the weather here in LA? Jeepers I’m a nice guy and just wish the best for everyone.” Jake decides he needs to have a talk alone with Kasey to clear the air and just let him know that he has everyone’s best interests at heart because he’s a hero like that. He tells Kasey he understands things have gotten serious with Vienna and by golly, he’s all for it. He just wants everyone to be happy. He supports them as a couple one hundred percent.

"Do you like me now? Do you? Do you?"

Kasey tells Jake he doesn’t like it that his girlfriend trembles in fear when Jake is around, and darn it, he’s here to guard and protect Vienna and her heart of ice. Jake insists that he’s no threat to Kasey and Vienna and Kasey’s like, “I know you’re not. But I’ve heard things about you and I’m here to protect Vienna.” Well that was awkward. But everything is cool now, right? Right!

Oh here’s Chris Harrison tapping his champagne glass, which means he’s gonna tell us the rules! Each of these idiots is here to try and win money, so they’ll participate in challenges, winners of the challenges get immunity, and every week the guys vote off one girl and the girls vote off one guy. In the first challenge tomorrow morning, they will be competing as couples, so immediate hooking up is not only encouraged, but required. The girls look around suspiciously and the guys look around greedily. The night drunkenly fades into morning.

Oh BROTHER, Ames has already found himself a ho. It’s Jackie. They’re laying on some outdoor furniture totally entwined and whispering about what fun things they like to do, like drink coffee and watch TV. But they decided not to be partners because couples always get broken up when one of them is kicked off. So much for Ames and his undying devotion to Ashley - that was true love if I’ve ever seen it.

Did he come in the limo directly from Ashley's Rose Ceremony?

It’s time for the first challenge and Chris Harrison is standing out in front of the house surrounded by beds.

The house became too contaminated.

Seems about right. Who can get their clothes off the fastest - will that win the rose? Who can successfully produce a sex tape first? Actually it turns out to be a strength challenge - oh, so which girl can be in the same room with Jake without killing him? Vienna for the guys? Sadly no, it’s a PHYSICAL strength challenge. What happens is that the guys are raised in harnesses with their bellies facing the beds underneath, and their partners have to straddle themselves beneath and hang on using their arms and legs. Whoever drops last wins. The name of this challenge? The Hook Up. Here are the partnerships:

William/Gia - Gia must weigh about 78 pounds, so William has a clear advantage.
Kasey/Vienna - claim to have been working out and are therefore in great shape.
Jake/Jackie - Jake is motivated by sheer determination to beat Vienna.
Justin/Ella - Ella thinks she needs to simulate aerial sex to benefit her son.
Michael/Holly - formerly engaged, so have practiced.
Graham/Alli - who knows?
Kirk/Erica - Erica is the, well, least tiny girl here, so Kirk definitely has work to do.
Blake/Melissa - who knows?
Ames/Michelle - we’ll see.

Birth of the airborne STD.

Before 10 minutes have passed, William gives up and drops tiny Gia. Way to look tough, buddy. Holly drops next, claiming she’d rather be drinking than holding on to her ex. Blake and Melissa give up next, then after Michelle dangles upside down to try and give Ames some relief, and any straight men being forced to watch this show a thrill, she drops too. After about 30 minutes, Jake and Vienna - along with their partners - are in a final stand off. Driven by hate, neither couple will let go and each is determined to win and kick the other one off the show. After nearly 40 minutes Kasey pleads for mercy and lets Vienna drop. Jake proudly proclaims, “Jake the Bachelor is back!” How unfortunate. Did he ever go away? So Jake and Jackie win roses and a romantic date with each other. Vienna and Kasey retreat to the hot tub to pout. And Vienna really lets Kasey have it. Isn’t he supposed to be here to guard and protect her heart? How dare he let Jake win the challenge? How dare he ignore his tattoo? Vienna’s crying, self-pity and accusations continue for quite some time. It’s not very interesting, but it is very characteristic of her.

"My heart feels very unprotected."

Jake and Jackie get ready to go on their date and learn that they will be getting a third rose to bestow on some lucky person after the date. When they leave, Vienna and Kasey form an alliance with Michelle and Graham and begin to plan other couples to recruit. After some wrangling and group-forming, it looks like Justin becomes a swing voter, which makes him feel very powerful. He begins to waffle between two core groups of pals, thinking all the while that he holds all the cards. Alli rats him out right away for trying to play both sides. Uh oh, Justin’s in troubs.

Meanwhile, Jake and Jackie are on their date in Hollywood and as they walk down Hollywood Boulevard, a small girl spots Jake and begins to cry because he is from her hometown. Jake, of course, relishes this attention as if he’s Robert Pattinson surrounded by screaming tweens. Live large, Jake - this girl might just have seen you at the supermarket back home. The centerpiece of the date is for Jake and Jackie to eat dinner on top of the marquee of the El Capitan theater in typical Bachelor date fashion.

"Up here, everyone! Doesn't anyone care?"

Jake takes this opportunity to make a speech about what a nice, sweet person he is and how he was unfairly sold out by his beloved fiancee Vienna. All he wanted was a small country home with a white picket fence (and a slew of reality shows hopefully followed by a movie contract - I added that part). So clearly, Jake was the innocent bystander in his own heroic life while evil Vienna destroyed his soul like rampant cyclone. Poor, poor Jake. Jackie gets so sucked into this story of woe that she actually advises Jake to give Vienna the third rose as a peace offering. Brilliant!

At home, Vienna gazes into the camera with her crossed eyes and gray eyeshadow, telling us how terrified she is of Jake because she knows who he really is. Terrified!

The next day, basic stewing continues. And continues. And continues. Jake REALLY wants to give Vienna the rose for no other reason than to look like a nice guy. He is a prize moron.

"If only I weren't so nice..."

The entire group gathers in the living room to find out who gets the rose. Jake, of course, stands there like he’s about to receive the Medal of Honor and explains that for many, many reasons he is giving the rose to Vienna and he wants to talk to her and Kasey - again - in private. Jake, they don’t care. Gia cries. She thought she and Jake understood each other. It’s hard to love a hero, isn’t it Gia?

"I'm too betrayed to cry real tears!!"

Jake wants to take this second opportunity to apologize to Vienna for being a meanie to her during their televised break up fight. Vienna maintains her terrified expression and cries. She’s so terrified. Jake concludes his “aw shucks, I’m just a nice guy” speech and Vienna and Kasey run away to embrace and pledge their love. Get this: Vienna says, “I love you. You are my everything. I’m serious. I’m gonna marry you. And I’m gonna have your babies.” EEEEEWWWWW!!! They basically laugh their clothes off at what a fool Jake is and then proceed to have sex in front of a night vision camera. First sex tape: CHECK! How awesome would it be if that actually were a challenge? These two have already won!

So what’s left for this, our premiere episode of Bachelor Pad 2? Ah yes, the Grand Vote Off. A girl will be voted off by the guys and a guy will be voted off by the girls. There’s still almost a full hour of air time left since ABC is a narcissistic ape. Most of it is spent on strategizing, bargaining, bluffing, and general annoyance. The two rival groups are led by Gia and Vienna, but Gia and Kasey promise that for tonight they won’t vote each other off. That’s nice. I like Gia for some reason. We’ll see if that lasts. Vienna puts on some S&M black leather spiked dress, slathers on the gray eyeshadow, and struts around reassuring her allies that they’ve got a fantastic plan in place and they’re all safe. Ugh, how can anyone stand this girl?

"Michelle, your eyebrows make me feel less terrified of Jake."

As the evening progresses, each person must go into the voting room and put someone’s picture in the dreaded box.

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Everybody lines up in front of the house where two limos are waiting to whisk away the losers. Since Jake and Jackie have immunity, they step up to the front and are the ones to distribute the roses as Chris reads out the names of the people who are safe. Everyone is worried, so worried. Except for Vienna; she’s terrified. And the two unfortunate losers? Justin and Alli! Buh-bye, suckers! Alli hugs the girls goodbye, but Justin won’t shake hands with the guys. He tells Kasey he’s a loser because Vienna’s ex-boyfriend is the one who had to save her, then he marches up to Jake and snatches the rose out of his lapel and puts it on himself. Ha! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

"Nice guys let other guys keep the rose."

That’s one of the best exits I’ve seen! Jake just stands there cause he’s such a nice guy. Justin blames Alli for his early exit and Alli just feels very disappointed. No sex tape for these two! Kasey takes credit for everything that just happened, saying he’s a Jedi genius master. OMG, I can barely understand his mumbles and he’s still able to drive me completely nuts.

Coming up this season, there’s a LOT more where this came from! Each episode is a very important and thoughtful two hours long, so there will be no lack of intellectual stimulation. So what do you think? Are you going to watch? Who do you like and dislike and why? Let’s hear all about it!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta