Bachelor Pad 2: Crappa Nostra

So we’re back with our gang of misfits and losers and Kasey is still going on and on about how he is the one controlling this game. This is probably the most power this douche has had in his entire life.

"This totally makes up for when no one would go to prom with me!"

His next goal is to get rid of Jake, of course. I thought that was his first goal - what was that about all of your control, Kasey? Just couldn’t keep Vienna’s butt up in the air any longer? Meanwhile, Jake is lamenting about how he had a huge target on his back coming in to this, but he’s convinced that people are starting to realize that he’s not the jerk he was “portrayed” to be. I think Lizbot found the perfect word to describe Jake in the comments last week: Smarmy. He’s so convinced that he’s this great guy and has no clue why anyone would think otherwise. So to increase the goodwill, he gets smarmier and smarmier, thinking he’s coming off as the nice-guy-next-door, all the while blaming his “portrayal” for why people can’t stand him.

"If you'll just let me explain what you think you saw..."

Without wasting any time, we get right to this week’s challenge! Instead of being a giant sexual innuendo, this one is a giant anonymous hate fest. Yay for destroying people’s self esteem! They couldn’t have had that much to begin with if they came on this show, right? So this should be easy. Here’s what happens. The guys all get blindfolded and stand side by side in a line with their backs facing the girls. Each guy has a huge target painted on his back - this time literally, not just in Jake’s imagination. The girls come out one at a time and are given a question, like who is the biggest weenie of the bunch? The girl will then pick up a paint-filled egg and hurl it at the back of the guy she thinks is the biggest weenie. If she hits, she gets a point, if not, nothing. After the girls go, everybody switches and the guys pelt the girls’ backs with eggs. The guy and girl with the most points at the end win roses and a date. The girl and guy with the most paint on their backs get nothing - not even therapy. So imagine standing there blindfolded, hearing these horrible questions, then feeling egg after paint-filled egg exploding on your back. Welcome to Bachelor Pad! Where everyone hates your guts and thinks you’re fugly. But they’ll only tell you to your back - with paintballs.

"Maybe we should hold hands."

I’m going to summarize the important parts of this. The first question the girls get is: Who are you the least attracted to? It’s not clear who gets hit the most, but when Kasey gets nailed he tells us he knows he’s attractive because he’s dating the hottest girl in the house. LOL. Vienna? Don’t think so. Plus, we all know this knob would date anyone who would have him. Next question: Who least deserves $250,000? We only see a couple of these and no one cares. The last question is: Who do you want to see go home this week? This one’s hilarious because it shows Jake getting splattered over and over. Of course, Jake is all perplexed. He thought he cleared up the issue of his “portrayal!” What gives? This time Jake blames the tabloids. HA! Whatever gets you through the night, smarm boy. So Jackie and Melissa are tied and must therefore throw extra eggs in response to a tie-breaking question, which is: Who is the dumbest? Jackie tries to hit William and misses, but Melissa nails Graham. Melissa wins!

The girls are up!

Just in case they didn't feel vulnerable enough, they have to wear white bikinis while getting their butts judged.

The first question the guys get is: Which girl is most likely to cheat on you? Vienna is shocked when Jake’s egg lands right on her. Next question: Who do you want to go home this week? For whatever reason, Erica gets hit a bunch of times on this one. The last question is: Who are you least attracted to? The girls try not to pee their pants. What on earth will they do if one of these guys doesn’t think they’re pretty? It will be the absolute end of the world! Okay, it WOULD totally suck to get hit because people don’t think you’re attractive, but geez. Once again, Erica receives the most hits. Ouch. She was on the show so long ago, though. Most of the guys probably don’t even know who she is and they had to choose someone. Chris Harrison is practically dancing with glee watching everybody get their feelings hurt. Too bad he’s not an option to throw crap at. When it’s over the girls gather to try and comfort Erica and she bawls to the camera that Ella is way bigger than she is. Oops, I almost felt sorry for you Erica. Mike wins for the guys - he hit his target all three times.

The winners get to go on dates, but not with each other this week. They each get to choose three people to take on a group date and will each get one rose to bestow.

Mike’s date card comes first and says, “Are you afraid of the dark?” To come with him, Mike chooses Erica because he feels bad that she got hit with so many eggs, Michelle because he thinks she’s hot, and Holly because he’s still in love with her. Sounds like a party. They all pile into a limo and get dropped off at Linda Vista Community Hospital, which, according to Mike, is a mental hospital and haunted from the 20s and 30s when a lot of “bad stuff” happened there.

Looks to me like bad stuff is still happening here.

On the front steps of the hospital are a map, a flashlight and a night vision camera, so they have to find their way to the boiler room. It’s really creepy. There’s all kinds of old hospital equipment lying around. This is by no means a romantic or fun date - gross. While Mike and Erica try to conjure up a spirit, Michelle and Holly sit sipping wine and discussing whether there is still “something there” between Mike and Holly. Then Michelle sits and discusses the same thing with Mike. The answer is yes, of course there is still something there and as such, Mike gives Holly the rose, surprise, surprise. They have a little heart to heart and I have a feeling this is all foreshadowing for some sort of future drama involving one or both of them. Right now, though, I’m not too invested in these two and their romance gone awry. Typical Bachelor stuff.

Is it just me, or has Holly looked better?

Like here. Maybe just me?

The next day we learn that Ames and Jackie are constantly sneaking off to make out. Oh please. These two are SOOOOO boring. Neither of them were interesting on their seasons and they’re certainly not interesting now. And since they can’t even come up for air, I’d rather we just ignore them.

Oh good, here’s Melissa’s date card. It says, “Chart a course for romance.” Blake tells us he’s totally not into Melissa, but he hears she’s into him and he wants to win so he’ll play along. Melissa picks Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Then she pulls Kasey aside and bargains with him that she’ll give him tonight’s rose if he promises to keep her safe next week. Kasey agrees. Then he gloats to us that he’s the Godfather - except even harder to understand. Blake won’t shut up about how NOT into Melissa he is, but that he’s playing the game, tee hee hee. Ugh, stop talking. You’re no prize yourself. The date is an afternoon on a yacht.

Back home Vienna is entertaining the girls with tales of how horrible it was being Jake’s girlfriend. He treated her like a possession and wouldn’t even eat her food when she cooked, can you imagine? She says that what Jake put her through is unforgivable. I mean, sitting there watching food get cold? Who could get over that? And I’m sure she was just a picnic through all of this.

"He made me stop interrupting him."

Jake senses that Vienna is spreading bad things about him and he panics about his “well-established” nice guy image, so he decides to throw himself at her feet and beg for mercy. He comes into where all the girls are and asks if he can speak to her outside. She says she’s not comfortable speaking to him without Kasey. I hate girls like that. Fight your own battles, biz-natch. Jake tells her she can bring anyone she wants, but she won’t go. So there go Jake’s great schemes to enlist help from his worst enemy. Guess Vienna won’t be repaying the favor you did her last week, loser. Gia tells Vienna that Jake’s never said anything bad about her and Vienna goes, “Of course he hasn’t, I never did anything wrong,” or something to that effect. Wow, she is rotten. I’ve never liked her and this show is not helping her case at all. Then there’s Jake. Are these two a match made in hell, or what? Here is what he says about all this: “I approached Vienna, just with hat in hand, and gave her the opportunity to do something kind. She declined. And you know what I’m gonna do? Nothing. I’m gonna be a gentleman...” What a martyr. He really thinks he is a super guy who’s been mistreated. And Vienna thinks the same thing about herself! I just can’t believe this relationship didn’t work out!

On the yacht, Kasey the Godfather is reassuring Blake that he has his back, but Blake tells us he doesn’t trust Kasey at all because Kasey tells everyone the same thing. Then Blake pulls Melissa into a yacht bedroom and tells her he wants to give her something to think about then makes out with her.

How passionate.

He reminds us that he’s not really into her, but hey, there’s a rose at stake here. So Blake, I can’t tell. Do you really like Melissa or are you just playing her to win the game? Please explain. Well Melissa decides to give Blake the rose, thus snubbing the Godfather and their previous arrangement. Uh oh. She did it to get alone time with Blake, but now Kasey is pissed, as if he wouldn’t have done the same thing. Blake tells Melissa that he wants it to be the two of them until the end, then they make out some more and he reminds us that he had to have a few drinks before he could kiss her. Wow Blake, the sacrifices you make to come on TV and be a total prick.

The next morning Gia is sitting outside with a notepad telling us that in order to win this game you have to take out the power couples - right now that means Vienna and Kasey. She summons Graham to come talk with her and shows him a diagram of everyone in the house and how they have to get rid of Vienna and then Kasey. Graham sits there in his hat with duct tape over the logo - dude, just take the hat off, seriously - and nods and agrees and promises not to mention a word of this to Kasey.

Elsewhere in the Mansion of Desperation, I believe this is the dreaded night vision camera room where Kasey and Vienna celebrated their ickiness, Blake is trying to make some headway with Holly. Holly is all befuddled because she’s pretty sure her ex-fiance wants to get back together and she’s pretty sure that Melissa kind of already has dibs on Blake. But she giggles and flirts in her workout clothes until Melissa, who has been scouring the house for Blake, bursts into the room and flops down on the bed with them.

"So Blake, remember last night when you said it was you and me to the end?"

It’s really awkward so Holly leaves and then Melissa tells Blake she can’t trust him. She’s super pissed. Blake immediately decides that Melissa is psycho, which is every guy’s easy way out of an uncomfortable girl situation, I know. And Melissa may indeed be psycho, but Blake was making out with her last night! He keeps explaining to us - in great detail, mind you - about his plan to lead Melissa on in order to get ahead in the game. Then when he realizes that she is, in fact, being led on, he calls her psycho. Blake tells us it’s not hard to see why Melissa is single. Oh sorry Blake, I didn’t realize that you were happily coupled up looking in on this pathetic singles scene from the outside. Oh that’s right. You’re just as single as she is, Dr. Blake, DDS. You might want to can the attitude. On the other hand, Melissa is getting quite melodramatic about all of this. She’s bawling to Blake’s face and promising him that she’s an awesome person. Fine, they both suck.

It’s cocktail party time! I’m always astounded when we’re here right before the rose ceremony and we’re still only a little more than halfway through the episode. What on earth is going to happen now? Well Jake is still moping around with his head down, looking for an opening to give Vienna another opportunity to help him out. Why doesn’t he get that she hates his guts? She doesn’t want to reciprocate the rose you threw her last week, Jake. Maybe it’s time to think about a different strategy... like finding a girl to couple with; that seems to be the popular way to feel safe. But no, Jake AGAIN goes to Vienna - this time with Kasey sitting there too - and begs them to help him out. Kasey wants to know why Jake thinks he deserves to be here. What an ass.

"You come to me the day of my daughter's wedding?"

Jake starts explaining that he’s going to donate every penny of his winnings to - but Vienna cuts him off, saying she knows he’s 2 to 300,000 dollars in dept for his limo company (?) and she doesn’t believe him for a second. Furthermore, everyone hates him and he’s going home. Jake says that everyone knows he’s a nice guy - ha ha ha! But the Godfather and Godmother keep telling him off while a bunch of other people look on in silence.

"If we don't move, we're invisible."

Why is everyone so afraid of Vienna and Kasey? Why don’t they get some gumption and vote those two off? Jake skulks off and Kasey and Vienna make out. Ick.

Here’s Chris tapping the glass. Before he gets to tonight’s vote-off instructions, he wants to know how everything is going in the house. William pipes up that it’s super awkward because of Jake and Vienna. Chris wants to know why everyone can’t just bury the hatchet and act like adults and Vienna says it’s too much to ask to make her live in the same house with her ex-fiance. Holly and Mike roll their eyes and laugh because here they are, in the exact same situation, NOT acting like idiot creeps.

"We are easily bought."

Vienna says it’s different because she and Jake were already “forced” to have their breakup on TV and it’s not fair to put them through this again. Chris isn’t having it. He tells Vienna no one’s forcing her to be here and if she wants to leave he’ll call her a cab right now. Geez, if only. Then Chris drops the bomb. Two people will be going home tonight, but they will both be WOMEN. Everyone has to vote for a woman and all of the guys are safe. Jake jumps for joy while Vienna bursts into tears. Yes Vienna, you are being FORCED once again, against your will, to stay in an abusive televised situation with no options. Terrified? She orders everyone to boycott tonight’s vote and claim it’s not fair. HA! No such luck. In fact, people start talking about just sending her home if she’s so miserable.

Jake launches his PR campaign anew to the girls and Michelle tells him there’s no way he’s going to win, so he might as well just go home now. But Michelle, he’s a NICE GUY! Why can’t everyone just get that through their heads? Kasey sits down with Gia. Remember that private conversation she had with Graham about getting rid of Kasey and Vienna? Well, guess who Graham told. Kasey. So here’s Kasey gently telling Gia that she gave it a good run, but she’s finished. Gia is PISSED. She marches straight to Graham and demands to know why he betrayed her. Graham acts all innocent, but to us says that yes, he told Kasey everything, but he’s kinda irritated that Kasey told Gia. Um, oh well? Gia’s had enough and says they’re not getting the satisfaction of kicking her out at the rose ceremony and she’s leaving now. And she does! She packs her bag, tells Chris where he can shove it, and gets in a minivan. Go Gia! Good for you for getting out of this while you can. Who needs these losers?

BETRAYED.

So fine, Gia is gone. But one more girl still has to leave tonight. Who will it be? There are two camps: one for Ella leaving and one for Jackie leaving. That’s funny, I don’t remember either of those two getting hit with very many eggs. Apparently Ella is seen as fierce competition. She pulls Kirk aside and begs him to stand up for her, which he does to a couple of the guys and convinces them that Jackie should go. I’m still not clear why Jackie is targeted, but whatever. We actually get to hear Ames’ voice when he goes to the Godfather to ask him to protect Jackie. You know, I don’t find Ames in the least bit attractive. His face is so odd to me. All I can think of is fetal alcohol syndrome.

"Bright lights... lots of people... peanuts..."

He’s also wearing fuchsia pajama-looking pants with his sport coat and tie. That furthers my fetal alcohol theory. The Godfather promises that he will keep Jackie safe, but he tells a different story to the other guys. I think it just comes down to whether the core group would rather piss off Kirk or Ames. Since Ames rarely speaks or moves, I’d choose him.

Since we’re dragging this out, Melissa lunges one more time at Blake for flirting with Holly in front of her face and furiously tells him she’s done with him. Blake’s psycho theory is solidified as Melissa sobs the night away.

"I've worked SO HARD to prove I'm not over-emotional!"

Finally we get to the rose ceremony, which goes on and on, but we all know that it comes down to Jackie or Ella, so who’s it gonna be? Oh it’s Jackie. I guess Ames IS the safer one to piss off. No one’s afraid of Ames. Ames walks Jackie to her limo while she wipes away tears. Such a tragedy. Young love torn apart. Ripped to shreds. The cruelty of separating two hearts that beat as one in under a week. They kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss next to the limo. Finally she gets in and the limo pulls away as Ames returns to the group. But before he gets all the way back, he waves with both hands and runs his hot pink pajama pants back to the limo to jump in with his immortal beloved.

The short bus is leaving!

Oh THAT wasn’t planned at all. Especially not to look like the end of a romantic comedy. The girls all clutch their chests and cry while the guys just look around confused. So the new lovers ride off into the night together, telling us that love is found in the most unexpected places. I guess finding actual love on any of the Bachelor series WOULD be quite unexpected, but I’m not buying that this is love. I’m guessing Fetal Alcohol didn’t want to keep his fuchsia pants zipped any longer. Hasta la vista, morons!

Endless boring awaits you.

Next week there’s a synchronized swimming contest and Vienna is angrily beating something on the counter with a knife. She and Kasey fight, Jake and Erica kiss, and Melissa has another crying jag. Looks like another fun-filled two hours!

Thanks to all of you who read about this ridiculous show! If you’re actually watching it, you have my empathy. Special shout out to Maddiyaki, whose adorable comment on the last recap brought tears to my eyes. The way to my heart is straight through my ego. Love you guys!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta