Bachelor Pad 2: Synchronized Madness

We come back to our monkey habitat with the girls still all swooning over Fetal Alcohol running after the short bus to be with his eternal love, Jackie. It’s truly the most romantic thing they’ve ever seen. The guys are all still looking from side to side and blinking - wondering if they will ever be able to get a girl in the sack again without going to such great lengths. (Hint guys - you will. Look around.)

Melissa is still pacing back and forth around the house, angrily wiping away tears, and Blake realizes that Melissa has the ears of some of the influential girls so this might not be one big night at da club for him. He may actually have to answer for the lies he tells various women. He follows Melissa to the kitchen and begs her for a chance to have his say.

"Why can't you just let me use you?"

Melissa is furious that Blake has been following Holly around all night like a puppy after forming a romantic/strategic alliance with her just the night before. Of course this was Blake’s plan all along, but he never dreamed anyone would notice. Now that his plan is backfiring, his only hope is that Jake is more hated than he is, which may buy him some time. Melissa refuses to hear him out and goes to whine to Vienna and Holly about how hurt and betrayed she is. They listen and sympathize, which means: Blake is in troubs.

The next day everyone prepares themselves for the next Big Challenge. Kasey and Vienna engage in more of their disgusting snuggling and coo to each other about wanting to win the challenge so that they can have some romantic one-on-one time.

As if this isn't enough.

They also complain that Jake is still ruining everything and must be done away with. Yes, all this again.

Chris comes to announce the challenge and takes everyone out to the pool. Jake takes a moment to remind us what an amazing human being he is: “There are a couple of things I’m just REALLY blessed with. Mental durability, physical strength and problem solving. And so if it falls into any of those three categories, I think I’ll do well.”

"Golly, I'm just blessed."

Wow. We, ladies and gentlemen, are truly in the presence of greatness. He forgot to say “natural kindness” and “extreme good looks” along with everything else. We are very lucky.

Outside there is a team of synchronized swimming ladies who perform an awesome little routine for our losers. Isn’t synchronized swimming just fascinating? It’s so pretty to watch I just love it. And now all these tools are going to butcher it in a challenge I’m sure.

Grace and charm on Bachelor Pad?

Vienna thinks she has this in the bag because she was on the swim team and the cheerleading team in high school. Correct me if I’m wrong, but neither of those are synchronized swimming. Erica is a little more realistic, saying the closest she’s come to synchronized swimming is laying out by a pool. It’s guys against girls and they have to learn the routine that was just demonstrated to them. Jake takes this very seriously, calling on all the technique he gleaned from one of his other famewhoring expeditions - Dancing with the Stars. He realizes, however, that Mike is competition as he is a professional breakdancer/choreographer.

When it’s time to compete, the girls come out in their requisite skimpy bikinis with flowers over their boobs and crotches, and the guys are forced to remove their swimming trunks and do society a disservice by sporting only tiny Speedos. As judges we are presented with a gold medal-winning synchronized swimmer named Karen, then the SUPER annoying winning duo of Bachelor Pad 1, Natalie and Dave. Observe:

"Wanna see the new butt I bought with my prize money?"

Ugh. And they know exactly what about synchronized swimming now? What’s that you say? Natalie is really tan? Great. Chris keeps referring to this quarter of a million dollars they won, but I’d like to point out that they had to split it, bringing it down to $125,000 apiece, then after taxes, these two got less than a hundred grand each, which, while lovely, is NOT a quarter of a million dollars - it’s closer to 60 or 70 grand. But whatevs. We’re not going to start making sense now.

The routine is performed to Waltz of the Flowers, which is what I figure skate to on the Wii Winter Olympics, thank you very much. The girls go first and they totally suck. Erica especially, who just bobs around looking at the other girls to see what she’s supposed to do.

"If we all hold still at the same time, that's synchronized, right?"

Holly and Michelle try to save the team by kissing each other as a finale, but it stunk pretty bad. Luckily it’s not a matter of whether the girls do better than the guys, but of which girl did the best out of all the girls. And we have the brain trust of Natalie and Dave to decide.

The guys take their turn and do exponentially better than the girls. They somehow all know what they’re doing and stay together.

Just like Dancing with the Stars!

Erica remarks that Jake should win the whole competition based on the size of his package alone. Then we get a slow motion underwater shot of said package and I almost threw up all over my keyboard. Seriously, are they trying to kill me here? Jake? Blech!

And now for judging. The guys are up first. Natalie gives Jake a shout out for doing really well, then Dave gives Kirk a shout out for doing really well, but it’s up to the real swimmer to say who actually wins the rose. And it goes to... Mike! For the second week in a row, Mike wins the challenge. Now the girls. Dave gives Vienna a shout out and Natalie gives Holly a shout out, but the real judge awards the rose to... Michelle! Vienna immediately pouts because obviously she did the best on the challenge and she and Kasey haven’t had any alone time, so it’s just not fair! Boo hoo hoo!

"This is terrifying and abusive."

Anyway, the winners get to take three people on their dates and give out one rose again.

Jake is panicking because winning the rose was his only hope at making it through this week, so he’s got to figure out an alternative strategy, like convincing everyone that it’s in their best interest to get rid of Kasey and Vienna, duh. He realizes Erica is a floater, so he goes to talk to her in the smoosh room where they both lay down on the bed holding hands and Erica is in a dress that is up around her waist, giving us all a bird’s eye view of her bright red panties. What a princess!

"My red panties perfectly accent my tiara."

Erica sees this as a shot at love for herself, so these two form an alliance. How charming.

In the kitchen Vienna walks past Jake and says, “Really good job,” then keeps going. Kasey notices and is PISSED. This is going to ruin everything!

"My girlfriend is a complete phony skank!"

In front of a bunch of people he calls Vienna out on being nice to Jake and they proceed to have a screaming/crying match. Oh the drama of a relationship based on lies. Kasey tells us that Vienna may call Jake a fame whore, but she’s a much bigger fame whore than Jake is. Ya think? He also tells Kirk that Vienna is an idiot. Aw, look at him guarding and protecting her terrified heart! Vienna and Kasey go into the laundry closet and have it out. Which is really just Vienna fake crying and playing the wounded victim while Kasey acts annoyed. I hate them both. They are the worst ever, which of course means they’re not going anywhere and we all have to endure them through the remainder of the season.

Later Michelle’s date card arrives and she invites Graham, Kasey and Blake to go with her. Are Kasey and Blake going to go on every single date for crying out loud? Why? Why? The four of them head off to a vineyard with a picnic basket. I think Michelle is more of a mastermind than I’ve been giving her credit for. As Itchy pointed out in last week’s comments, she had a vendetta against Jackie, which is certainly why Jackie is now gone, and now she’s feeling out each of these guys to see where their heads are at. Blake starts to complain about Melissa being psycho, so Michelle pulls him aside and tells him that whether or not Melissa read too much into things, he’d better make things right with her or he’s out of here.

Back home Mike’s date card arrives and he chooses Vienna and Ella because neither of them have been out of the house yet. Then he chooses Holly again, much to her dismay. Holly thought that they would be able to just be friends for this adventure, but Mike thinks they just have so much fun together that she has to come along.

And at the vineyard, Michelle takes Graham aside to tell him that she thinks he’s great, to which he responds, “You barely even know me.” Ah Graham, with your aloof attitude that also reeled in DeAnna, just to humiliate and confuse her. Will Michelle be so unfortunate? She keeps insisting that she wants Graham to be comfortable with her, but she has no expectations and they make out. Goody.

Gross. I hope Michelle's daughter isn't watching.

She gives him the rose and tells us she’s crazy about him. Graham tells us pretty much the same thing about Michelle, so surely there will be some sort of drama coming with these two at some point.

Now for Mike’s date. Apparently his date card said “every rose has it’s thorn,” how cryptic. They head for what looks like Griffith Park to go horseback riding. Vienna acts excited until the horse guy hands her a helmet to wear and then the bitching starts. She has to wear a helmet? The horses have been in the sun not the shade? It smells gross. It’s hot. I’m sweating. There’s pollution. Ella admits that Vienna sucks and it would be a good idea to get rid of her and Kasey.

Let’s see what’s going on at the Mansion of Desperation, shall we? Blake is heeding Michelle’s warning and pulls Melissa aside to try and patch things up. He listens patiently while she tells him off again and then they decide that their partnership is back on. Blake is sure to tell us once again that he doesn’t actually like Melissa, but this is best for strategy.

And at Griffith Park Mike and Holly are having yet another awkward conversation about the status of their strained relationship.

"Sooo... do you like me as a friend or as a boyfriend?"

Isn’t this getting old? We establish once more that they miss each other, how interesting. Mike always thinks Holly looks beautiful. Holly tells us she doesn’t think relationships should be as hard as this one is. Holly is correct. That’s a lesson I learned in my 20s. It’s difficult to see though, until you find a relationship that is easy - then it all makes sense. Don’t cave, Holly!

Jake’s at home trying to get Blake and Kirk on board to vote off Kasey. He’s totally right, too. It makes no sense for everyone to keep Kasey and Vienna when eventually they are going to turn on absolutely everyone - even Michelle and Graham. Jake is saying he’s going to go down fighting and that others should at least try to make it a fair competition. Then he goes to find Erica again to make sure she’s still with him. Erica’s like, “Yeah I totally agree. We should go on a date or something.” Jake rubs her arm in what looks totally forced and completely awkward, but he sees his chance here, so he also goes in for one of the world’s most uncomfortable looking kisses.

Eyes on the prize, Jake.

Erica tells us it was hot because she maintains her lips with injections every six months and she’s a good kisser. Wow, this girl is definitely not the brightest bulb.

Meanwhile the date still isn’t over and Mike gives Holly the rose, which in this case means the other two girls go back home while these two have a romantic evening. Yawn. But wait! Just when you were about to nod off, a tour bus comes pulling up to their picnic table. There are roses and thorns all over it, which could only mean one thing: Bret Michaels. Everyone screams!

"Woohoo! This guy hit his high when we were toddlers!"

And this is relevant how? No matter! Bret comes out of his bus and hugs both of them and tells Holly she is beautiful, which she takes as a huge compliment. I’m sorry, has she not seen Rock of Love and some of the alley cats this guys considers beautiful? The bar is pretty low, Holly. Anyway, everyone goes into the bus and Bret chit chats about Mike and Holly’s relationship and how music has helped him through these types of things. In fact, would they mind if he sang Every Rose Has It’s Thorn? Mike and Holly are like, “That’s nice of you to offer, but no thanks.” Yeah, right!

"You guys I totally wrote this song just for you."

Bret sings and Mike and Holly gush about how the song totally relates to their mess of a relationship and it is all so touching and moving. I’m going to interrupt and say that’s enough of the Bret Michaels Tour commercial. Let’s get back to the crap we tuned in to see, shall we?

Ah, here we go. It’s the Pre-Elimination Party. And as Kasey tells us, it also happens to be his and Vienna’s six month anniversary. Ugh, so what? They can hardly stand each other, so this really isn’t anything to celebrate. But nonetheless, Kasey has a gift for Vienna and he presents her with a small jewelry box, saying there’s no one else for him and every time this is on her finger she’ll know how much he loves her - while he’s telling the other guys what an idiot she is. She starts freaking out and saying she doesn’t want an engagement ring. Kasey is all frustrated and tells her it’s not an engagement ring, it’s a promise ring. But thanks for killing the moment. And guess what happens next. You’ll never guess - it’s too horrible. Kasey sings an impromptu, a capella song off the top of his head about giving Vienna the ring!!!! I’m completely embarrassed just watching it! It’s that weird and it’s that bad. He does it all raspy, like John Mayer, and even though he’s singing, he’s still mumbling so bad you can barely make out the ridiculous words. Someone save us now! Ew, ew, ew!

Erica is inside trying to feel people out on voting Kasey off instead of Jake. It turns out that Jake is out near the hot tub with Melissa, so Erica sneaks out eavesdrops on their conversation, then comes back inside and tells Vienna that Melissa is strategizing with Jake. Well! This is where Vienna chops something vehemently with her knife and she announces that anyone aligning themselves with Jake will NOT be a part of her alliance. I’m sure everyone is trembling.

Guess what! That last scene WASN’T Pre Rose Ceremony time! The only people dressed up were Vienna and Kasey and that was for their horrifying little interlude. NOW we’re on the day of the Rose Ceremony. This is pretty much nonsense, but basically Melissa realizes that Erica has ratted her out and she is crying to various parties about always remaining loyal to Vienna and Kasey and then yelling at Erica for selling her out. She cries a lot and shakes and has breakdowns and most people seem to have had enough of her. Michelle finally tells her she needs to take a deep breath and just let it all go because she’s driving everyone nuts.

FINALLY everyone dresses up for the night and Blake tells Melissa that he wants to stay partners with her, but he worries that she’s letting her emotions run the game, so from here on out he’s going to be very cautious about romantic entanglements. Melissa, of course, bursts into tears and runs to Jake, claiming he’s the only one here who hasn’t let her down. Jake hugs her and she sobs. And I mean she almost SCREAMS about how upset and hurt she is.

"Right into the microphone, Melissa. Tell them how nice I've been."

Jake sees an opportunity to get someone else on his side... and look like a hero at the same time. The physical contact seems to calm Melissa down, so at least it’s quieter now.

Right here I’d like to point out that Kasey keeps saying he wants to get Jake off and every time he says that I giggle a little. Hopefully he won’t sing a song about it. Chris comes tapping his glass and announces that all of the girls are safe tonight and only one guy is going home. So everyone has to vote for a guy. Blake asks Erica to reconcile with Melissa to make his life easier if they get rid of Kasey. So Erica does. She convinces Melissa to forget about Blake - who is too young for her anyway - and to remember she’s here to win money, so they need to get rid of Kasey. Melissa says she thinks Vienna still has feelings for Jake and doesn’t want anyone else getting their hands on him. Also, she hates Kasey. Okay, so each camp has a fair amount of people. There’s not that much left to say, let’s just get to the ceremony already!

Nope! One more thing before we conclude. Kasey and Vienna figure out that a bunch of people are going to vote for Kasey so they get all in a huff because how dare anyone try to win this game besides them? Vienna marches to Erica and tells her she should be ashamed of herself because Kasey has always considered her a dear friend and has been protecting her all this time. She and Kasey didn’t come on here to lose friendships!

"And now I'm storming away with my boyfriend who hates me!"

Ew, she is SUCH a hypocrite! She’s been planning all along to eventually vote off EVERYONE. Now she’s going to get up on a high horse when anyone else dares to have a strategy? Erica just sits there petting her hair.

And at some point she got a hold of this clear gavel she's waving around.

Oh for pete’s sake, Jake thinks he needs to have yet another heart to heart with Kasey. He takes him aside and in his stammering phony-nice-guy way tells him basically no hard feelings, no matter how things turn out tonight. Oh my gosh, Jake. SHUT UP. You’re not making yourself look nice; you’re making yourself look mentally challenged. Kasey tells us he wants nothing more than to punch Jake in the face. We’d all like to punch both of you, Kasey, so just calm down.

FINALLY here we go to the Rose Ceremony with Vienna proclaiming that it would really hurt her if some of her friends think it’s okay to get rid of Kasey and leave her alone in the house with Jake. Oh yes, Vienna. This is all about you and the major drama that you helped to create, which has left you in so much DANGER. Everyone feels so sorry for you. So here we go. Kirk gets the first rose. Then William. Wait, William? He’s still here? We NEVER see him. Surprise! Then Blake. Then after we hear some last words from almost everyone, just to drag this out for eternity, Chris Harrison finally goes, “Kasey.” And everything goes black. And that’s it! No parting words, no previews of next week, NOTHING. So I guess Jake is gone. Tragic. Of course, tragic meaning that we are still going to be subjected to the nightmare that is Kasey and Vienna. But I’m not going to miss Jake for one second. Goodbye Smarmy McSmarm! Please return to your plethora of other reality shows and your mission to convince America that you are Captain Nice Guy. And speaking of captain, weren’t you a pilot in a former life? On the Wings of Love? Look at what you’ve become and hang your head, Jake. Hang your head.

Next week: Who knows? So what do you guys think? Will the balance of power ever shift? Will Melissa spontaneously combust? Will Mike and Holly eventually kill each other - then get re-engaged? Tell me what you’re thinking!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta