Friday, February 10, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Lucky Seven Begins

Hello Beloved Readers! I am thrilled and honored to take on the seventh season of the Real Housewives of Orange County!

How did another brunette make it onto the show?

I’m going to start off honestly with full disclosure: I’ve never watched this show. I’m a devoted RHONY viewer, but the closest I got to RHOC was recapping the epic failure Date My Ex, featuring Jo de la Rosa and Slade Smiley. Luckily for everyone, Slade is still sponging desperately off of this franchise, so he’s still here to annoy me. And luckily for me, Bravo saw fit to show marathons of seasons past all this last week, so I hung out on my couch and got to know the Orange County Housewives! My opinions were formed quick and dirty, so they may not be the consensus, but here’s what: I LOVE me some Tamra! Yes, she’s shallow and built with fake parts, but girl cracks me up. She has a sense of humor about all of this and I tend to side with her on all of the fights she gets into. I also like Vicki, even though she’s the mayor of Compulsive Analville. Gretchen is a nightmare. She is a loud annoying steamroller with a long torso who is dating the world’s biggest joke of a man. However, she does tend to make good points in reunion settings. And Alexis is just plain ridiculous. The funniest thing about her is that she is actually convinced that people are jealous. LOL!

So there you have my preconceived notions. Let’s head to Orange County!

Since the dawn of time Gretchen and Tamra have been at each other’s throats. Mostly because various people kept calling Tamra to give her dirt on Gretchen and then Gretchen would be mad when Tamra would throw it in her face. But something happened in last season’s finale when Tamra got a taste of someone getting into her beeswax - it was former Housewife Jeana, who gave the press all kinds of copy about Tamra and her horrible marriage. It made Tamra feel really sad. Then mad enough to scream at Jeana, personally serve her with a “cyst and decease” letter from her lawyer, then throw red wine in her face. All at Vicki’s party, of course. What would be the point otherwise? Post blow-up, instead of offering Tamra her sympathies, Gretchen asked if Tamra liked how it felt to have people talking crap about her. Tamra had an ah-ha moment. I bet Oprah was proud.

This evening we join Gretchen curling and re-curling the same three locks of hair while she explains to her useless leech of a boyfriend - Slade Smiley - that she’s going to lunch.

"Does my hair look curled to you?"

He wants to come along because it’s not every day he can mooch lunch off of Gretchen in an actual restaurant, plus the cameras are here. Gretchen shuts him down since today’s lunch is with Tamra, Slade’s mortal enemy because she knows the truth about his refusal to pay his ex-wife child support, and she isn’t afraid to say it to everyone. Gretchen and Tamra have decided to make an attempt at being adults and being nice to each other. Slade isn’t down. He needs Gretchen on his side or his meal ticket is gone. But Gretchen’s out the door with her enormous purse, saying, “Slade does not control me,” which is nearly the title of (Slade’s ex) Jo de la Rosa’s horrendous single, released while she was under the management of one Slade Smiley. Coincidence? You decide.

So at the end of last season Vicki decided there was way too much stress in her life so she cut way back on the time she spent selling insurance and concentrated on bettering her marriage. Kidding! She kicked her husband to the curb and got that pesky marriage off of her plate. More time to focus on insurance! But a byproduct of getting rid of her husband is that fact that now she also has to get rid of the house she can no longer afford. That’s big of her - most of the people on this show don’t seem to think that whether or not they can afford their houses is a relevant factor in owning them. Someone’s coming to see the house so Vicki is all over her son Mike to help her get it in viewing order.

"Mike, the gold stripe has to face east. Mike. Mike!"

Vicki’s kids crack me up. They seem to regard their mother as a harmless lunatic who is best tolerated with calmness and amused smiling. Mike maintains composure while aligning stripes on bedspreads and plumping couch cushions. During this charming montage of house-straightening, Vicki tells us she’s dating a guy named Brooks who she met at an insurance conference. Insurance conference? Their relationship must be one crazy adventure after another. But he fits perfectly into her busy life - three thousand miles away. PS: Soon-to-be-ex-husband Donn is still living in the for-sale house.

Over to lunch with Tamra and Gretchen. And here is another RHOC oddity: actual eating when going to lunch is up for debate. “Lunch” to these women often just means alcohol. But today Tamra and Gretchen decide to be super naughty and have an appetizer with their booze. The make-up conversation begins and Gretchen says that Tamra might really like her if she’ll just get to know her.

"I might even let you borrow my white eyeshadow."

Based on my RHOC crash course, that’s a big negative. But Tamra claims to already like Gretchen for being totally fun, it’s just that their relationship has been ruined by outside forces. I guess that’s true if outside forces means themselves. But they’re ready to forgive, forget and move on! To prove it, Tamra brought Gretchen a bracelet made of pink beads with a key charm on it to lock away their past and unlock their future. Awwwwww!

"So where's your present for me?"

Tamra’s scared to tell Vicki about this new friendship and Gretchen is scared to tell Alexis. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. Side note: Why does Gretchen wear stuff in her hair that is meant for toddlers? Does Slade convince her to shop at Gymboree for accessories?

Speaking of Alexis, she seems to have gotten rid of her “pocket gay” assistant and hired Christina, whose pressing task at the moment is to fill sippy cups with the correct ratio of juice to water.

"Here. Take my pen and WRITE IT DOWN."

Alexis is up super duper early so that she can drive to San Diego to appear in a two-minute segment of a local morning show - a weekly circumstance that has become career number two. Number one is, of course, her fashion line of silk pillow cases with arm holes known as Alexis Couture. Her plate is so totally full, people. She also has her new house to run (old house foreclosed on), her kids to raise, and her husband’s alarm to set. Something’s bound to slip through the cracks! Even with Christina filling sippy cups! Today it’s setting Jim’s alarm. Alexis totally forgot to do it which will set off a chain reaction of household failures, resulting in the end of civilization as we know it. Jim can’t only not set his own alarm, but he also can not answer his cell phone. Or tell his wife the number to their house phone, so Jim will slumber on in blissful oblivion while Alexis goes to pieces in the car that Christina is chauffeuring.

We must be on a different day now because Tamra is showing up at Vicki’s office with lunch - and today that’s actually food, not just code for cocktails. Vicki has to stay sober for the insurance that isn’t going to sell itself, you know. Tamra is scandalized to learn that Donn is still living with Vicki because her ex-husband only shows up to throw things at her, then he’s out the door. They talk about their respective boyfriends - both of whom are five years younger than the ladies - and Tamra wants to know if Vicki is having five-hour sex with Brooks yet, like she did with Eddie (her boyfriend of questionable sexuality - which could explain why something seemingly simple took him five hours). Vicki won’t say.

"This is my work, Tamra. Don't disrupt my serenity."

Guess what. Vicki must miss having obnoxious fighting on her property so she’s throwing another party! And she wonders if she should invite Gretchen. Tamra gulps. Her new secret bff might not stay secret for long!

Continuity is apparently a moot point here because it’s yet another day and Tamra is taking an opportunity to participate in her job as a real estate agent by showing a 5 million dollar empty lot to this season’s new Housewife, Heather.

"Only 5 million? That's precious. Now where's the real property?"

The lot overlooks the ocean, but Heather is annoyed that she can see rooftops on the horizon. It’s really intrusive of other people to have the nerve to live in the same vicinity. Plus there’s a shopping center way too close, which means even more people breathing Heather’s air. Heather’s here because the first mansion she and her husband built does not include a suite for the surprise baby they accidentally had, so now they have to scrap the whole thing and start over. Tamra wants to befriend Heather because her legitimately rich plastic surgeon husband will make Alexis insane with jealousy. It’s fun to make new friends!

And back to whatever day Alexis was on, we’re now in San Diego to shoot Alexis in a serious news segment with a man named Dr. Booty. Today they will be discussing the risk factors leading to colon cancer. Hahaha, no they won’t! It’s a much more important topic - which fruit is your butt shaped like? The people of San Diego are dying to know! This will involve spinning a wheel to land on a particular fruit-shaped butt, then turning to Dr. Booty to learn which exercises will benefit that fruit. Clearly this is not a man who studied medicine. Alexis explains her passion for this segment since her husband likes a little booty. Whatever that means. Alexis wanders off to refresh her lip gloss and the segment goes live, forcing her to rush back to her mark and deliver a ridiculously muddled spiel. She’s so flustered she barely makes any sense. This is following her lecture to us about the perils of live TV and the necessity of being poised and prepared.

"It's Booty Awareness Day... again. And as such I'm Katie Couric. Bringing you this special... thing."

Later Alexis informs us that she doesn’t have any journalistic training. You don’t say! But she can do anything she wants, ok? Including fly to the moon. Is crazy liberal America letting women do that now?

Let’s jump back to Tamra’s wonky timeline where she’s now having tea with Heather (yes, on yet another different day). Tamra’s mostly here to pump Heather for information she can taunt Alexis with, so she starts asking about Heather’s husband.

"And how many Lamborghinis does your husband own? More than 4, I hope."

Heather seems awful, like she thinks she’s way more sophisticated than all of this rabble, when actually it’s the rabble who are paying for her forthcoming new mansion. New boobs, noses and faces aren’t free, you know. I doubt Heather’s husband is running some sort of Doctors Without Borders plastic surgery clinic. Where would Heather be without the serfs? Tamra invites Heather to Vicki’s party to meet all the girls and Heather wants to know which peasants will be in attendance. Tamra lists them off, telling Heather she’ll have to decide for herself what she thinks of Alexis. I’m totally with Tamra on this shoving of Heather into Alexis’s face. She’s right when she says that Heather is everything Alexis WISHES she was. And I’m sure the same goes for Heather’s husband.

We get a brief little scene of Alexis making dinner for her kids. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. And that’s all I have to say about that.

"Hurry kids. Being this close to carbohydrates is bad for mommy."

Ah, here we are at Gretchen’s house, where Alexis is arriving to head over to Vicki’s party as a team. She brings Gretchen a gift of an Alexis Couture dress, so Gretchen thanks her with some Gretchen Christine Beaute lip gloss. Just kidding, she doesn’t.

"Wow, that's great. I'm not giving you any free product."

They talk about the party and Alexis is nervous to see Peggy since her goal in life last season was to one-up Peggy and then she found out her husband used to DATE Peggy. I mean, where do you go from there? Alexis got owned.

And speaking of Pegs, she’s arriving in Tamra’s time warp, which has now landed on the same evening as the other girls getting ready for Vicki’s party. They discuss Alexis and the fact that she’s out of her mind, then Tamra wants details about Peggy dating Jim. Apparently Jim has always tried to date young hotties and he made the rounds around Newport Beach. Fascinating. Tamra doesn’t get the appeal. Cash, Tamra. Or pretending to have cash while actually being foreclosed on. Fake boobs tend to fall for that. So Tamra and Peggy head outside where Heather is waiting in a limo. Party time! They talk crap about Alexis all the way there and Alexis and Gretchen talk crap about Tamra in THEIR limo all the way there.

"You'll decide for yourself whether you like that evil whore or not."

Vicki has chosen a cajun theme for her party in honor of her new southern boyfriend - who is nowhere around. Vicki tells us she’s hoping for a peaceful night with no drama. You know what that means! Big drama ahead! Super dramatic music plays as all of the women file into Vicki’s backyard.

"Uh oh. The new girl has a better nose than mine. I wonder who her doctor is..."

And we’re out! Cliffhanger!

This season we can expect to see: Gretchen still trying to make her music career happen, Slade trying his hand at stand-up comedy (seriously?), Alexis getting a nose job to try to keep Jim interested, Eddie getting mad at Tamra, Brianna getting mad at Vicki, Heather acting superior, and lots and lots of fighting.

So what does everyone think? Excited for the new season? Any favorites? What do we think of Heather?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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