Thursday, February 16, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Boo-Jews and an Old Folks' Cruise

Okay you guys. Vicki the Truffle Hunter? Brooks the Southern Fried Corn Dog? Alexis’s brain can’t spare a square? Gretchen’s Jem and the Holograms makeup? Heather is Audrina in 20 years? Donn as Quasimodo watching the dinner? FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!! I’ve been missing out on a great party with this show. I’m so glad I popped in before the music stops playing. Thank you for a week of belly laughter!

And PS, you know you're jealous.

Now where were we? Yes, that’s right, we were at Vicki’s party where new Housewife Heather is arriving to meet the cast. Vicki hilariously offers to help the kitchen staff with whatever it is they’re doing. They’re like, “Please go away and let us do our jobs. Do we come to your office and try to sell insurance?” Gretchen and Alexis arrive with Gretchen’s friend Sarah tagging along. I guess we are supposed to pay attention to her because she has a bio on the Bravo website. Is she a Housewife? I don’t know, she doesn’t appear in the opening credits with some deluded one-liner about how jealous we should all be. She’s like a semi-wife, I guess.

Alexis informs us that she and husband Jim have “worked through” the hurt and betrayal caused by the discovery that Jim used to date Peggy, but Peggy is still in big troubs for not bringing it to Alexis’s attention. Nice diversion tactic, Alexis. And by “working through” she probably means that Jim bought her a diamond or an eyebrow lift or something similar to shut her up. All fixed! And I’m sure he’d be willing to tell us precisely how much peace costs him at his house. That douche is a price dropper! Meanwhile we learn that Peggy’s daughter London (or as I like to call her, Liverpool) has broken her arm. Part of the treatment for this included pins in said arm that have since been removed. Alexis one-ups this by announcing that she has a rod in her leg that remains to THIS DAY. Suck it, Liverpool.

Heather meets Alexis and manages to politely rub it in her face that she recently had to move out of Newport Beach and into the ghetto trash area known as Dana Point. Maybe Heather can offer Alexis a job on the construction crew of her new mansion.

"Yes, I know your old house. It's the boarded-up one with the eviction notice on the door."

In other news, Vicki lets everyone know that many people have come to look at her house and they all want it, but no one can afford it. Including you, Vicki. Also? Donn is dating someone. And still living here. And ringing the bell, hahahaha! Thanks for that visual, anniedawg25!

"I like cajun food..."

Remember Sarah? She of the Bravo biography? Well she chattily tells the gals of her boyfriend’s recent informal proposal and laments that he needs to get down on one knee. Heather quickly shuts her down, saying, “No honey, you know what he needs to do? He needs to buy a RING. Let me tell you something, until a man makes a monetary commitment? I’m sorry.” Sarah’s like, “Have we met? You don’t get to be a bridesmaid.” Tamra’s loving this and gets Heather to tell how she got engaged. It was on an airplane to Paris, and Heather was mad that (now husband) Terry couldn’t wait to get to Paris and had to propose there with magazines in plain sight. How MIDDLE CLASS. Plus the huge ring on her finger isn’t her wedding ring or her engagement ring. It’s the ring she got for her most recent (accidental) baby. She must have refused to give birth until Terry made a monetary commitment. About now, everyone’s had about as much as they can stand from Heather, so luckily Vicki calls everyone to dinner. The girls are NOT impressed with the cajun fare which includes Fritos and crawfish that have to be dismembered before being eaten. Heather makes a jab at Gretchen’s spinsterhood, saying that one day when she has children she won’t eat carbs. Gretchen almost chokes on her Frito. Then Tamra screams that Gretchen had her lips done. Gretchen’s probably wishing that Slade were here to call Tamra a slut and Heather a gold digger. Too bad. Vicki’s had enough of everyone squealing about how disgusting the food is, so she tells them it’s a school night and the party’s about over.

"Getting to the crawfish meat involves WORK, so I might be the only one who understands."

As everyone begins to leave, for reasons unknown to sane people, Peggy starts to cry over not being friends with Alexis anymore. Vicki and Tamra try to remind her what an idiot Alexis is, not to mention her gross husband, who accused Peggy of stalking him. Hahahahahaha! Inexplicably, these reminders prompt Peggy to run after Alexis and beg her to “have a talk.” Alexis declines, acting like she’s way too classy to engage in anything that might disrupt Vicki’s party. Apparently screaming that the food Vicki served was gross was perfectly acceptable party etiquette. But now Alexis has to go home and (watch Christina) make lunch for her children and (air) kiss her children goodnight. All this is of course said in a way as to imply that Peggy is not nearly the mother Alexis is.

"I'll pray that you didn't really date my husband."

Thus denied, Peggy decides she’s put in more than enough effort on this nonsense and she’s through trying to be friends. To us, she says that Jim has been investigated by the FBI and so she was too scared to tell Alexis that they dated. LOL. Does the FBI have a Christian chauvinist division now?

Let’s get to know a little more about Heather and her family, shall we? OMG, their custom mansion has a monogram of their initials on a marble floor. That’s not pretentious at all. Heather informs us that when she was living in LA as an “actress” she met her husband on a blind date. Oh Heather, an actress friend referring you to the guy who did her boobs does not count as a set-up. Heather says it was love at first sight... for him. I hate to pop her bubble, but that look he gave her was probably him mentally drawing all over her with a Sharpee.

"Stop re-aligning my boobs in your head."

Heather says that in their marriage, sure, they discuss things, but SHE’S in charge. She has four kids, the youngest of which is homeless in this sprawling mansion since, as she never fails to remind us, this baby was an accident and there is just nowhere to put her. Certainly the movie theater can’t be converted. And Heather is sick of taking the elevator a hundred times a day to the far-off hallway where the baby is squatting. Sounds to me like it’s time to get a move-on on that new mansion you guys are going to build. But if it takes as long as Heather claims the current one took, that baby’s going to be living in the pantry until she’s six. Heather uses the word “expensive” about 400 times when telling us that her family lives in a place called “Billionaires’ Row.” Got it, Heather. You guys are super important, ok?

"This is where the baby sleeps until we finish our bigger house on Trillionaires' Row."

Oh this is good. Heather and her husband are both Jewish AND Buddhist. So they call themselves Boo-Jews. There’s a term for the country club! How exactly do those two completely different religions mesh, I’m curious to know? Is the Buddhism just an excuse for this huge EXPENSIVE Buddha statue in the Grand Foyer? There’s probably a plaque on it explaining how it’s two million years old and was extricated from middle earth at their EXPENSE. Boo-Jew Terry walks in with his Jewish side on display, sporting a yarmulke as a pocket square. The Buddha statue is annoyed. She didn’t come all the way from middle earth to be reminded that some other deity is above us.

Elsewhere in the OC, Tamra is folding clothes in preparation for an upcoming excursion to Catalina Island with her boyfriend Eddie, who is on the phone. The trip is for Tamra’s birthday and it’s a double-date-trip with Vicki and Brooks. Speaking of whom, Vicki is also packing and on the phone with Brooks, telling him what he needs to pack. And by this I means she specifies which shirt and shoes he needs to wear to each of the planned activities. After she’s gone through the entire trip and what he has to wear for each 15 minute interval, he surprises America by still agreeing to show up.

And at Gretchen’s house, Slade is eating Gretchen’s food and listening to her report on Vicki’s dinner party. When she comes to the part about new-girl Heather talking down to her, Slade declares it’s because Heather is old and she’s jealous that Gretchen is young. That’s all you got Slade? I think Heather’s really jealous that instead of a husband who builds her a mansion on Billionaires’ Row, Gretchen has a homeless boyfriend trying to siphon off 10% of her earnings by “managing” her life. I mean, there’s only so much good fortune to go around.

Gretchen realizes - again - that she's a very lucky girl.

Now we have another ludicrous mini scene of Alexis. This time some girl is straightening her hair for her while her kids run around. Is Alexis disabled? I mean besides mentally?

Let the Catalina adventure begin! Brooks, Vicki and Tamra are all riding in a limo on their way to pick up Eddie then head for the Catalina Express boat. Brooks has a surprise for Vicki and while he digs through his bag to find it, Vicki gets ready to start counting diamonds, but alas, it’s just a sappy card. Brooks clearly isn’t ready to make a monetary commitment. He better get cracking because Vicki has already invested a lot of money buying him an entire new wardrobe to disguise him as an acceptable companion. Tamra’s thinking along the same lines because as soon as Eddie gets in the car she pins him down and shaves his nose hair. Sexy.

"You'll hear my complaints better if you let me do your ears too."

We take a little side trip to visit Gretchen at a photo shoot and she’s not wearing any makeup. Yama-hama, it’s fright night! She’s using Breast Cancer Awareness as an excuse to do a nude photo shoot with a cardboard pink purse hiding her unmentionables. Slade is naturally on-hand to collect his 10%.

Slade: So here's where Charlie bites his brother's finger...

Gretchen explains the many hats Slade wears. He does research and development, meaning that Gretchen does all of her cosmetics animal testing on him. That’s got to be worth the occasional sandwich, right? After offering Gretchen fruit, Slade decides he’s earned his keep for the day and declares he has his own stuff to work on. So he leaves to get on with his day. Just kidding! He surfs the web on Gretchen’s pink laptop and takes pictures with his phone of Gretchen working to send to his Twitter. What a parasite. Oh look, Gretchen’s ready for the shoot.

"Cure cancer!"

And back to the old folks’ Catalina tour group - woohoo! As they settle in on the boat, Brooks tries to make out with Vicki, but she twitchingly announces that she won’t do PDA. Tamra wants to know what Brooks’s intentions are. Like is he going to commit monetarily or what? Vicki answers for him, saying that they’ve decided to be celibate. She means monogamous because let’s be honest. Brooks wouldn’t agree to be her barbie doll without some sort of payout. Hooray for relationships of convenience! Let’s drink tequila shots! Woohoo!

Brooks better change into his tequila-shot-taking shirt before he drinks that.

Sufficiently buzzed, Eddie and Vicki kiss each other’s hands, which sends Tamra into a jealous fury. She retaliates by grabbing Brooks’s hand and trying to put it on her boob. Brooks doesn’t want to give back all his free clothes, so he pulls away. Now everyone’s mad. Big trouble on the little boat. Eddie is particularly enraged that Tamra’s acting like an old ho. When the boat docks, Tamra gets up on a high horse, telling Eddie that his actions - of kissing Vicki’s hand, mind you - are irreversible (well, she says unreversible), and she orders him to apologize. Eddie tells her to take off. Tamra is astounded and dismayed to discover that Eddie has a mind of his own.

Tamra: I didn't even know you could talk.

Everyone files off of the boat holding hands with clenched teeth and fake smiles. AWKWARD! Maybe this group is a little too old and deranged to be taking tequila shots like they’re 20. It seems to wipe away the phony calm demeanor and release years’ worth of pent-up dysfunction.

Eddie: I never made the swim team!
Tamra: I always wanted to be 5' 7"!

Next week! Eddie is still mad, so Tamra tries to cry to get the ball back in her court. Heather demeans and orders her husband around. Slade stocks his arsenal with the news that Brooks has been arrested for failure to pay child support. HA! OMG, it’s going to be the Battle of the Deadbeats. Too much class for one county, I tell you!

What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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