Thursday, February 23, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Art for Dummies

We pick back up from last week in Catalina with the alcohol-driven histrionics. Vicki and Brooks are sitting in a restaurant while Tamra is bawling to Eddie outside that she can’t stand it when he touches Vicki.

"She's so gorgeous, I just know you're going to leave me for her any second!"

Yeah, someone can’t handle her tequila shot. She’s sobbing like they were naked or something. She finally half-heartedly apologizes for putting Brooks’s hand on her boob, but is quick to point out that Eddie drove her to it. Eddie just wants to eat and get back to the mainland.

Back in the OC, Heather and Terry are sitting down at a restaurant and Heather is immediately annoyed that the waitress handed her the menu open instead of closed. Of all the nerve! Why are the little people always getting in Heather’s way? When it’s time to order, Terry says to Heather, “Honey, what will you be sending back tonight?” Ha! Terry knows the score. He has his trophy and he’s made vows to be embarrassed by her in public.

"Can you believe it? This imbecile brought me CHOPSTICKS. Like I can't choose my own culinary utensils."

She orders a “thin” piece of fish and Terry tells the waitress she’ll send it back. Heather says Terry is part husband and part the little brother she never wanted. Heather, stop trying to act like he’s anything but your ATM. Speaking of money, Heather would like Terry to fund a “painting party” for all the housewives. This will take place at a studio that hosts painting parties because as Heather tells us, she doesn’t know these women well enough to have them over to her precious mansion. Not just anyone is allowed access to Billionaires’ Row, you know. You have to bring a bank statement and most of the Housewives would not be approved for entrance. Oh, Heather’s fish arrives and it’s way too thick so she’s pissed. This is almost as bad as the open menu. What kind of a dump is this?

Meanwhile on Catalina, Tamra and Eddie join Vicki and Brooks in the restaurant and Tamra still can’t get control of herself. She sobs to Vicki that she’s not allowed to touch Eddie ever again. Then she suggests that they do body shots and wants to know if Brooks is a “tit man” or an “ass man.” I’m not enjoying this demented, psycho side of Tamra. She really should lay off the booze because it’s catching up with her. And I don’t just mean her face.

Elsewhere Gretchen and Slade are walking the dogs and Gretchen is inexplicably dressed like Holly Madison. Way too old, Gretchen!

Although Slade is about Hef's age, so I see your point.

AND she’s got another miniature accessory in her hair. Gretchen’s sense of style leaves me completely flummoxed. It’s like she’s perpetually six years old or a hooker. With fake hair and clown makeup. Anyway, as her manager, Slade received a phone call offering Gretchen a hosting gig at the Improv comedy club. While negotiating his ten percent, Slade managed to finagle himself a spot on the mic. For pete’s sake, it’s not enough that he takes a percentage of Gretchen’s earnings, he also has to mooch her spotlight. Gretchen is rightly skeptical about this idea. Last week he offered to pose nude for breast cancer along with Gretchen, but the non-profit people threatened to call the police. Gretchen’s tired of losing business because of Slade butting in. Of course Slade thinks he is naturally charming enough to easily pull off a stand-up routine. That’s funny!

It appears as though our double daters have downgraded to steerage on the return trip aboard the Catalina Express. Tamra is still regretting her tequila shot - this time in the form of a debilitating hangover, reducing her to the public restroom on the boat. She sits next to Eddie among the crowd of poor people and breathes vomit all over him while he recommends that they don’t drink anymore. Instead of throwing herself overboard right then and there, Tamra sort of laughs and wants to know what else Eddie’s got. Oh, and today she doesn’t care anymore if he touches Vicki. Except yes she does. Eddie can’t touch anyone, ever, k? And they’re all made up!

Get ready people, cause we are being treated, once again, to a visit to Billionaires’ Row! Heather has gotten all dressed up to make a round of phone calls inviting the ladies to her drinking/painting party.

"Ugh, pick UP! I've got an EXPENSIVE manicurist arriving any minute!"

True to form, each housewife acts like they’re excited about it to Heather, but then to the camera they talk like Heather has suggested they ride a public bus or something. They’re appalled and confused. It’s the grossest thing they’ve been invited to since Vicki’s grody seafood party. But they’re all coming because Heather promised alcohol.

Now we have a random scene of Tamra and Gretchen shopping at a sex shop. I can tell by their outfits that this is the same day as their make-up/pink bracelet lunch. I guess this is to show us how they bond over penile implants or something. Not sure.

In your head, Tamra. Practice in your head.

And here we are at Heather’s party. Oh I see! It’s at a little art studio and there are small canvases set up on easels around a table so everyone gets to sit and paint. That actually sounds fun because how often does anyone get to paint like an artist? And just when it was sounding fun, Heather has hired a chef to provide a completely carb-free meal. At a painting party? Bring on the Cheetos!

"Then we have these oxygen flavored ice cubes..."

Geez. Are these people just hungry all the time? Or does the booze trick them into thinking they’re not? Or is this no-carb thing just a way to ensure that the alcohol gets into the bloodstream as quickly as possible?

Vicki is the first to arrive, followed by Tamra, who is still hungover. She tells Heather and Vicki all about throwing up and Vicki asks if she’s pregnant. Ugh, can you imagine? That’s what these women need to do - bring more children into the chaos. Tamra goes, “I hope not. I just put in my new ‘nouveau’ ring.” Hmm, will next month’s contraceptive ring be postmodern?

Gretchen and Alexis are en route to the party together in a limo and Gretchen decides to let Alexis in on her secret new friendship with Tamra. When she gets to the part about the pink bracelet with the key charm, Alexis seems to get all choked up. Then she recovers herself and tells Gretchen that despite the pink bracelet with they key, she needs to be careful. Then she pets her extensions. A lot. She’s probably remembering all the money she had to pay that girl to straighten them for her.

When everyone arrives at the art studio and starts to nibble on roughage, Heather announces that she and some girlfriends are going to open a restaurant because everywhere you go in Orange County, you get your menu handed to you open. You have to go all the way to LA to have a menu properly given to you closed. Alexis defends Orange County, saying there are tons of good places to eat like Olive Garden and PF Changs - how pretentious can Heather be? Then the conversation shifts to Gretchen and Tamra’s trip to the sex shop and Heather proclaims that she’s married, so she doesn’t have to do “those things” in the bedroom anymore. Alexis goes, “Well, let’s talk to you in ten years and see if you’re still married!” Ladies and gentlemen, out of nowhere, Alexis makes a point!

Surprising even herself!

Heather quickly tries to recover, saying she just doesn’t like to talk about private bedroom matters. Too late, Heather! Not that we expected any different from you. Poor Terry. He’ll have to settle for seeing all the fake boobs he operates on.

Oh look, it’s our artistic mentor for the evening, Timree. Timree is dressed like an Orange County hippie, which is hilarious.

Heather: "Everyone, Timree lives in LAGUNA, which means she is a real live starving ARTIST."

But very confusing, especially for Vicki, who can’t wrap her mind around the name “Timree.” She demands to see Timree’s birth certificate and asks what her mother was drinking when she named her. And to think I kind of felt bad for Vicki last week when everyone was screaming about disgusting crawfish. Timree isn’t even that weird of a name, come ON. But it’s too late - Vicki is enraged by nonsensical names. And to make matters worse, Tamra tells Gretchen she likes her hair in a ponytail. It so happens that Tamra’s hair is in a side ponytail, so Vicki makes a super snotty remark about calling each other to wear their hair in ponytails. Is someone’s love tank running on fumes? You would think someone sent a small van to take Vicki to the airport by the way that she’s acting.

The way the painting party proceeds is that Timree guides the women through creating a cute painting of a high heeled shoe on a box.

The strain on brain power is palpable.

It’s making most of them edgy because they are used to parties where they simply guzzle cocktails and provoke each other. They don’t like all of their energy to be harnessed like this. So they start lashing out. Alexis yells that Vicki is so cute she’s going to buy her a pink bracelet with a key on it. HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Heather tries to be a good hostess by changing the subject. She announces that her painting is horrible but that’s okay because she has other special gifts. And she really does say “special gifts.” With the room’s attention on her, Heather explains that she is an actress and a singer who toured with a 14 piece big band. They opened for Mel Torme, okay? The VELVET FOG. (Where would I be without Seinfeld?) The girls blink at her for a couple of seconds and then go back to ripping on each other’s paintings. Unless Heather was in the Twilight movies they could care less.

When painting is finished, Alexis takes a photo of Gretchen and Tamra (well, she manages to do it after taking photos of herself with the camera turned backwards).

Other way, Alexis.

Then she announces that she’s thrilled these two are friends because she worked all YEAR trying to get them to be chummy. Alexis, you are a selfless saint. Forgive us for not commissioning a commemorative stamp.

Terry drops by and the women circle him like hungry wolves, wanting to know what kind of surgeries he did today. Turns out he did a face lift, a nose job, and a breast reconstruction. Each woman now has a river of drool down her shirt. Alexis is particularly intrigued to see a husband who can actually explain what he does all day. Turns out, Terry is not only a plastic surgeon - he’s also a comedian! Where is Slade to take notes?

Heather: "Did I mention that I'm an ACTRESS?"

Terry says that he and Heather have had five wonderful years of marriage - unfortunately they’ve been married for twelve. ZING! Heather stands there rolling her eyes. The things she has to put up with to live on Billionaires’ Row. Tamra says she was married for twelve years once, but now she’s having GOOD sex. Terry laughs really hard at that one and Heather storms out of the room to chug a glass of wine. Such things are not discussed at the Dubrow mansion. Terry keeps repeating, “I’m KIDDING! What?” Ah such is the dance between rich old dude and gold digging “actress.”

Good grief, what is Brooks doing here? Vicki ever-so-discreetly yells, “Save me!” as he walks through the door. Vicki, I tried to like you, but you are SUCKING tonight. Gretchen is charmed by Brooks’s southern accent and she tells us she’s glad Vicki is happy. Well, sort of happy. Vicki’s still mad about ponytail-gate and now she’s even madder that Tamra thinks Gretchen painted the prettiest shoe. She hugs everyone goodbye except for Tamra.

Back at Gretchen’s, Slade has raided the pantry and helped himself to some spaghetti. He covers by acting like he’s making Gretchen dinner. Except that as soon as she walks in he turns the cooking over to her. He’s had a rough day playing with the dogs, after all. Gretchen has been alerted to some information about Brooks, so she and Slade do some searching on the interwebs to discover that Brooks owes a bunch of child support money to TWO ex-wives. Since Slade only owes one ex-wife this is the grand opportunity he’s been waiting for to get right up on a high horse and kick Vicki in the face. Remember that Vicki has called Slade a deadbeat dad. He’s practically coming out of his skin giving Gretchen instructions to confront Vicki and really let her have it. Gretchen wants to be careful since false accusations are made right, left and center on this show, but Slade is ready to nominate himself as Father of the Year given this new information about Brooks. We leave with his head about to spin around and pop off.

Frightening a helpless dog like this is animal cruelty.

Next week! Alexis tells Heather she’s an anchorwoman for Fox. OMG, Alexis. I don’t think your Dr. Booty segment will be winning you any awards... or job offers. Slade actually performs a stand-up routine much to the dismay of America and his mother. And Vicki’s daughter Brianna is talking about biopsies again. Never a dull moment in Orange County! See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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