This week’s episode was so chock full of pithy life lessons that a full recap would overload and collapse any internet server. So I’ve carefully extracted the most useful tips and listed them for you here! If you wish you could be an Orange County Housewife (and who doesn’t?) take the following seriously to heart.
1. Never eat egg yolk.
2. It’s necessary to explain commonly used and very obvious metaphors. Such as: “Brown nosing means that you have your nose so far up her mmmm that it’s gonna turn brown.” Your friends are morons and need constant clarification.
3. You can get even with someone for having a new secret BFF by having your own PRETEND secret BFF.
4. You can only order cold sake if Heather orders it first. And you’re not “cerebral” if you don’t know that “kampai” is Japanese for cheers.
5. Flubbing your way through a morning show fluff piece about butt shape now qualifies you as a “news anchor” on a major network.
6. You’re a total DIY mom when you switch from nannies to babysitters. Only live-in help counts as help.
7. When you sense that you’re becoming increasingly marginalized on the reality show you’ve been intruding upon, hurry and propose to one of the stars. Or at least keep bringing up that you might.
8. If the woman you love begs you not to do something that’s going to piss off her friends, totally do it anyway. Especially if you’re the person in tip #7.
9. Pretend really hard to care about how moving in with your new boy toy will effect your children. This will make it totally okay when you DO move in with him and ruin their lives... again.
10. If you’re having a serious craving for a skinless, boneless naked chicken breast for dinner, head straight to the nearest fondue restaurant and force them to cater to your special request. Be sure to bring a date, too, and refuse to try anything that is remotely related to cheese.
11. When you’re hosting an evening of stand-up comedy and a joke writer feeds you specific instructions on how to deliver a joke, don’t listen. Just mumble whatever comes into your head and then take your clothes off. You’ll totally be invited back.
12. If you’re ever offered the chance to do stand-up comedy - particularly if it will be on TV - for the love of all things holy, DON’T BE FUNNY! This is a chance to air your grievances. Nothing more. And bring photos.
13. Ignore your daughter, who is a registered nurse, when she tells you that cold sores are oral herpes. Keep making out with your herpes-ridden sketchy southern boyfriend because he will be the one to finally give you what you need. As long as it’s not child support.
14. Also ignore your daughter when your unbearable personality has finally given her cancer. The quickest way to get rid of a tumor is to pretend you never heard about it.
15. Always, always, ALWAYS listen to Slades’ mom. I promise, she has better instincts than you do.
Thanks for reading!