Friday, March 09, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Crimped Extensions

Welcome back to The Real Housewives of Orange County! Last week we solidified the fact that Slade Smiley serves no earthly purpose. His mother agrees. If you missed my Facebook article about the episode, you can read it here.

Okay so this week Slade and Gretchen are still arguing about the Improv fiasco and Slade announces that he has found his life’s calling. Telling jokes makes all the bad go away for Slade. That might be more interesting if he had actually told any jokes. I swear, this guy got off the life train at age 12. Gretchen beseeches him, once again, not to include things in his “comedy” that put her in a bad position with the other Housewives. Slade reluctantly agrees, but in exchange wants to up his manager take to 20%.

Elsewhere Tamra and Heather are meeting for a liquid lunch. Tamra scoffs at the carb-laden food and sticks to her alcohol, thank you very much.

"Food? Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha. You thought I meant 'lunch' literally."

She tells Heather that she’s having an 80s themed Bunco party so that the ladies can get together and laugh at each other good-naturedly (good luck with that). Of course she has to invite Alexis so that the party can serve as useful footage and Heather mentions that Alexis told her she is a news anchor. Tamra reacts like America - by covering her face and laughing hysterically. Her reaction is slightly different when Heather tells her about the evening of comedy at the Improv. It’s rather amusing, however, that Tamra seems to have no clue why Slade would ever dream of attacking her. Gee Tamra, I have no idea. Did we miss an episode where Slade got a pink key bracelet of his own? Heather suggests that Tamra makes friends with Slade so he’ll stop saying mean things about her. And Heather is VERY proud of herself for this brilliant new suggestion that Tamra at least pretends to take very seriously. They clink wine glasses on it.

Let’s check in on Alexis, shall we? She’s hiding in the bushes outside of her plastic surgeon’s office calling Gretchen on the phone begging her to come hold her hand because she’s terrified to go in there alone. Gretchen wisely has other things to do but offers to meet Alexis for coffee later. Dr. Boobies (not to be confused with Dr. Booty) shows Alexis an x-ray of her nose, pointing out the crooked airways and how that makes it hard for Alexis to breathe.

"This gigantic lump on the bridge of your nose is totally blocking your lungs."

Since when does air have trouble turning corners? I mean, it’s got to travel through a series of tunnels to get from the atmosphere to your lungs, right? So what if sinuses are twisty? Aren’t everyone’s? I don’t know why I’m overthinking this - Alexis has wanted a nose job since I met her on this show. I guess I’m just not sure why she’s wrapping it in medical necessity. I mean, she’s at a plastic surgeon’s office, not an ear nose and throat doctor. Did she find medical excuses for her boob job as well? Like her boobs weren’t big enough to perform a proper mammogram? Dr. Boobies gets confused when Alexis bursts into tears fretting that she may not wake up from the “anastasia.”

"And the morning show I anchor will be lost without me!"

He’s like, you were put under when we filled your chest with saline, why is this time any different? Alexis sobs that she knows he has to take her nose off in order to get in there and fix her sinuses. Dr. Boobies is like, uh no. The nose will remain on her face and Alexis will wake up able to breathe and able to finally stomach her image in a mirror.

Later, as promised, Gretchen meets Alexis to talk about this terrifying consultation with the plastic surgeon.

"I only have a minute, Alexis. I'm late for the Holly Hobby convention."

Alexis assures Gretchen that she would not be undergoing this life-altering surgery if it were not medically necessary, and to prove it, she sniffs, demonstrating how difficult it is for her to breathe. Gretchen kind of laughs, then realizes Alexis is dead serious. Crickets. Let’s change the subject and talk about how funny Gretchen was at Improv night! Gretchen worries that Slade is ruining her reconciliation with Tamra, but Alexis reassures her that it has nothing to do with her and that Tamra and Vicki should talk to Slade if they’re mad. I just hope they don’t ruin his newfound calling in life with their silly egos.

Speaking of Vicki, let’s buy some insurance! Uh oh, it looks like no insurance will be sold today because a document is printing, but coming out of the WRONG tray on the printer. It’s coming out where faxes usually come out and that just will not do! Vicki hyperventilates while employee Danielle stares at the printer. It looks like this may be an all-day crisis. Danielle will be lucky if she keeps her job. She annoys Vicki by sniffing - maybe she needs a nose job! Vicki’s son Mike pops in to see if anyone wants breakfast. Awwww, he’s still hanging around learning the family business?

"No Mike, I don't want breakfast! We're in the middle of a printing emergency!"

And it’s over to Gretchen’s house! By the way, Gretchen’s house looks like it was decorated by a 13-year-old girl. It’s all hot pinks, busy prints and fake flowers.

"Hey! You took down my fort!"

Ugh, Slade is still loitering here and he brings up yet another performance opportunity for Gretchen. This time it is dancing and singing with the ever classy Pussycat Dolls revue show in Las Vegas. Gretchen’s worried that she might make a fool of herself. LOL, she’s just now worried about that? Oh Gretchen, that ship sailed when you signed on to this show. Slade yammers on about what the Pussycat Dolls show will entail, and I just keep wondering how he’s going to butt his way into the performance.

Some other day, Gretchen has a gay friend over to help her decide what to wear to Tamra’s 80s Bunco party.

"Clogging was a big 80s thing, right?"

While they look at tutus and headbands, Tamra calls to find out wtf was up with Slade’s stand-up routine. Gretchen basically says she had nothing to do with it, but she’s sorry anyway. Tamra tells us she can’t figure out why Gretchen stays with Slade. Join the club, Tamra. Why anyone would date that life-sucker is a mystery. But both Tamra and Gretchen consider this phone call to be progress because before their reconciliation they would just go to war over something like this. That brings tears to my eyes.

And the tears just keep flowing as we pay a visit to poor, poor Vicki. Vicki the Victim. She is having SUCH a hard time in her life right now. She answers the door to let Tamra in and just sighs hello. They talk about Brianna’s latest round of tests and Vicki declines Tamra’s offer to bring food because no one at her house is eating - despite what Slade is saying about Vicki’s resemblance to Miss Piggy. Vicki wonders why Slade would pick now, of all times, to go after her like this. Doesn’t he know she’s going through a rough patch?

"The pages were coming out of the FAX output, Tamra! We had to close the office."

Tamra suggests that Vicki takes some time for herself. Excuse me? Vicki’s whole existence is time for herself.

Later Gretchen and Alexis meet up at a salon to get their hair did all 80s style. Why is there a huge painting of Gretchen on the wall at the salon?

I can't figure it out, but I'm sure Slade's getting a percentage.

Next question: why does it require an entire team of professionals to dress up 80s? Seriously. Tamra is throwing a BUNCO party. This isn’t the inaugural ball. Can’t these women comb their own hair? Also? Both Gretchen and Alexis are going as Madonna. Clever. Alexis incorporates gum into her Madonna persona and promptly gets it all into her professionally ratted hair.

Heather also needs serious help to get ready for the party, so she has some girl over to hang out in the marble closet on Billionaire’s Row and hand her things and tell her how gorgeous she is.

Although we don’t see it, I’m sure Tamra had help getting ready too. She’s dressed up like the girl from Flashdance - in a leotard, gray sweatshirt, leg warmers, etc. She brings sex toys as Bunco prizes. What is it with Tamra and sex toys? It’s not helping to debunk the “Eddie is gay” theory at all.

Neither is this.

Heather arrives dressed as a Robert Palmer girl. So a little black dress, slicked back hair and red lipstick. Earth shattering, Heather. Nothing you could have achieved on your own, I’m sure. She claims that just because she’s at an 80s party it doesn’t mean she has to look bad. Alexis thinks since she and Heather are both wearing black they came as the same person. In fact, no one really gets Heather’s costume until she holds up her little toy guitar and then finally just spells it out.

"Oh, NOW I get it! Wait, who's Robert Palmer?"

As the game gets going, people start winning sex toys. Due certainly to several verbalized mini-prayers, Alexis wins something called “nipple nibbler,” which is apparently some sort of tingly ointment for nipples. Alexis immediately applies it to her lips like lip gloss. Okay. Alexis clearly can not read. We learned this when she was confronted with a teleprompter for her news anchor job, and it’s confirmed now when she’s eagerly painting her lips with something packaged as “nipple nibbler.”

Across the room one of Tamra’s friends tells Vicki that she heard about Slade’s stand-up routine. The gay friend this woman brought along jumps in and starts loudly saying he heard about it too and it’s awful. He goes on for a while and Gretchen finally asks him why he’s trying to start something because she had nothing to do with what Slade said. Gay Friend says yes she does because she was there with Slade. Tamra begs everyone to concentrate on dice and sex toys. Plus she has a big surprise for everybody, which is some guys she met in the lobby. Oh geez, what could this be? She announces 80s Hottest Men and opens the door. First through is Boo-Jew Terry, dressed like a member of KISS.

Heather almost dies. They are too rich for this kind of nonsense. Eddie is next in similar attire.

Then Slade struts through the door in a Billy Ray Cyrus mullet wig, leather jacket, and beer in hand. So pretty much no costume, just looking like the slug that he is.

"Evening, ladies. I'm here to begin my new life calling. I even have slides. Get ready to laugh!"

Vicki is outraged. Why isn’t Brooks here in some humiliating outfit? And the needle scratches off the record.

Next week! Fireworks at 80s Bunco! Gretchen and Vicki have a screaming match. Also Alexis cries some more about her impending nose job and Brianna gets more testing. See you then!

So what did you think? Let's hear it!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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