Thursday, April 05, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: So Much for Charity

Wow - I can’t believe it’s been two whole weeks since we last checked in with our housewives! We got to watch Heather and her trophy-wife friends make plans to piddle away mountains of money, and see Vicki have major hysteria over the effect her daughter’s surgery was having on her. Also, Alexis hired a nurse to put frozen peas on her face.

And speaking of throwing away tons of money, we join Heather taking her husband Terry for a wardrobe makeover. Oh for crying out loud. They’re visiting a guy who makes custom suits for men, and they’re here because their “friends” wear suits from this guy. Would these be the other suckers financing Project Restaurant Fiasco? Well by all means, if they get their suits here, let’s get Terry measured! Heather starts off by telling everyone that Terry is not a suit guy. Good call bringing him to a suit maker, then. Heather tells us he has the style of a doctor, indicating that it’s non-existent. I just have to say quickly that my dad is a doctor and he goes to work in a suit every single day. But that’s enough real life for one episode. Back to Billionaire’s Row! This exclusive male “clothe-ee-ay,” as Heather calls him, instructs Terry on just how many suits a guy who never wears suits needs. It’s several. Including a tuxedo, LOL. Heather keeps lecturing us on how important presentation is. That’s why she’s so stylish, and just now getting around to dressing her husband.

"I'll take everything you've got! And if I never wear any of it? Whatever!"

After measurements and fabric choices, Mr. Tailor announces that this will run Terry about 50 grand. Then with “accoutrements,” meaning I guess ties and cuff links, it will be around 65 grand. 65 THOUSAND DOLLARS on suits for someone who wears scrubs to work and jeans at home. And how many freaking ties is he planning on buying? Eight or nine hundred? Sounds like money well spent. Heather throws her head back and laughs heartily when she hears the total. She says they’re just lucky SHE’S not making over her wardrobe, which could probably feed an African nation. She really has no clue, does she?

Let’s move on to a poorer couple. Tamra and Eddie are hitting the gym. The public gym.

Gaydar going berserk.

Working out helps Tamra get through her divorce. Well that and Eddie standing there saying how hot she is. She tells us she’s thinking of opening a “fitness studio.” Oh boy - another ill-advised venture backed by zero experience and even less knowledge. She also announces that she’s scheduled her boob reduction. Eddie doesn’t seem too sad about it because she’s keeping her butt.

At Vicki’s house the mood is still somber. Vicki feels very sorry for herself and this super hard time she’s been having. Briana calls with big news: all of her tumors were benign and she’s going to be just fine. That’s wonderful news for Briana, but all it does for Vicki is eliminate a sympathy ploy. I don’t know how long she can play the “my-daughter-almost-had-cancer” card.

"You're killing me, Briana. You have no idea how vulnerable I am now."

Some other day Tamra’s ready for another workout and this time she heads solo to Heather’s mansion. After stroking Heather’s ego about the magnificence of her home, they head into Heather’s dark wood home gym to lift dumbbells and talk about how fit they both are.

"All of our friends had custom dumbbells molded, so we did too. These are from the country's finest dumbbell-ee-ay and cost ten thousand dollars each. Feel the distinction?"

Also it seems there is a Mud Run for charity coming up and Tamra and Eddie are inviting everyone to participate. Vicki isn’t going because her daughter almost had cancer. Alexis is still stuck at home with her nurse and frozen vegetables. But Gretchen and Slade are coming! I wonder how much Slade charged for his participation in this charity event.

Gretchen stops off to see Alexis with some flowers and Alexis is annoyed that it’s taken her five days to come over after her life saving surgery. When Gretchen walks in Alexis is wearing a SARS mask, which makes Gretchen wonder if she’s also had her lips done, but it turns out Alexis is just vain and doesn’t want her bandages to show. A huge white mask is much better.

"This way no one knows I had anything done!"

Alexis goes on and on about how painful this has been and how she would NEVER have done this if she had known how horrible it was going to be. But then she might have suffocated. As soon as Alexis can take her mask off she’s going to invite Tamra to lunch and demand to know why Tamra’s never liked her. She’s mad that Gretchen and Tamra are friends now, so she can’t just sit idly by. There are fights to pick now that Alexis can finally breathe!

Later Tamra comes over to Vicki’s house to watch her select clothes to donate to charity. What a charitable episode this is turning into! Maybe Terry can donate his new suits after he runs through mud! A bunch of Donn’s clothes are still in Vicki’s closet and she starts complaining that she’s never lived alone like this because she moved from her parents’ house right into her first marriage. Now that marriage number two is finished, she only has the three or four cards Brooks sends her every day to snuggle with. Three or four cards a day? No wonder he can’t afford child support. Tamra is suspicious about all the attention Brooks is showering on Vicki, but really, it’s the least he can do after Vicki bailed him out of jail, paid his back child support and bought him all new clothes.

"So wait. He sends you e-cards because he can't afford postage?"
"The important thing, Tamra, is that he's ALL CAUGHT UP."

Mud Run time! Each couple is wearing t-shirts with clever titles on them. So Tamra’s says “Cougar,” and Eddie’s says “Boy Toy.” Tamra’s adult son, who is probably about Eddie’s age and dying of embarrassment, is here wearing a shirt that says “Big Boy.” This is a disturbing trio. Slade has been arts-and-crafting again because Gretchen is wearing another rhinestone masterpiece that says “Naked Wasted” and it looks like Slade has used crayons to write “Comic” on his. I guess he’s still hanging on to that delusion.

"Two bucks at Michaels!"

Heather’s says “Fancy Pants,” which is the least offensive thing she’s done so far, and Terry’s - OF COURSE - says “Dr. 92660.” Heather must be worried that we’re going to forget what Terry does to pay for her lifestyle. The race begins and immediately the runners have to crawl through a pool of mud. Terry makes it through and announces, “I’m a doctor, not a mud wrestler!” He must be worried about us forgetting as well. But just as things get going, Gretchen hurts her ankle and everyone gathers around to decide what she should do. Thank goodness there’s a doctor on this team! He advises her to stop running if it hurts. And he’s board certified, people. Some medics come and take both Gretchen and Slade away on a golf cart. Slade’s thrilled to get out of the race without actually getting hurt or exercising.

Meanwhile Alexis is back to see Dr. Boobies for her next nose check. I mean sinus check. She refuses to rest for the next two weeks because she has so much to do, like fight with Tamra and give her assistant instructions, so Dr. Boobies tells her if she starts hemorrhaging at three in the morning she better not wake him up. Just go to the ER.

"But I'm not allowed to wake up Jim if it's after 11."

Then Alexis screeches and cries while Dr. Boobies takes her nose cast off. What should take ten seconds ends up taking about 20 minutes through the wincing and whimpering. Luckily the private nurse is putting her skills to good use and holding Alexis’s hand through this horrifying ordeal. When she finally gets to see her new nose, she is elated to discover it’s not too skinny and goes on and on about it, then hurries and remembers to tell us how much easier it is to breathe now.

Back to the Mud Run. Eddie tries to go across some monkey bars and falls into mud, breaking a finger in the process. Dr. 92660? What say you? Terry recommends breast implants, so Eddie pops his finger back into place by himself.

"My work always looks completely natural. Did I mention I'm a doctor?"

When Gretchen reaches the finish line via golf cart, she frets that her hurt ankle may impede her upcoming performance with the Pussycat Dolls. It’s necessary to put weight on both ankles in order to effectively flash your crotch to an audience. Tamra tells us she’s really good at this race because she was on the track team in high school, and she’s really just a boy with a vagina. Aaaaaaaand the question of Eddie’s sexuality continues to come together one tiny piece at at time.

Group showers just ahead, Eddie!

In this week’s mini-scene, Terry sprays down mud-covered Heather and Tamra with a hose and he spends a little too much time ogling Tamra. Heather is oblivious because she’s preoccupied mentally squandering more money than most people make in a year.

And our triumphant charity runners head to a pizzeria for some post-race carbs. Everyone is in sweats except for Heather, who is in an evening gown. Presentation is of the utmost importance, you see. And she keeps making it a point to tell us that she can get down and dirty. Mud is nothing compared to dirty diapers. She’s a joiner. When she puts her mind to something, blah, blah, blah, we get it. Your husband is a doctor. Slade starts talking about biking and he goes off about how he was the state champion in high school and trained with the olympic team. Wow, have you done anything in the last 20 years? No?

Aw, look who’s having Date Night, it’s Vicki and Brooks. He must have helicoptered in from Mississippi. Vicki attempts to tell us what Brooks does for a living and it’s suspiciously vague. She says he’s an entrepreneur, can work from his phone and his computer, does not have just one title, and is basically a consultant. A consultant to whom? On what, exactly? Didn’t they meet at an insurance conference?

"But I'm realizing my true calling in life is comedy..."

After everything Vicki has said about what a loser Slade is, I wonder what a psychiatrist would have to say about her relationship with an older version of her mortal enemy. As Brooks makes a speech about his love for Vicki we get a closeup of these two holding hands across the table and I’m blinded by all of the diamonds in the ring that Donn gave Vicki. LOL, editors. Brooks ends his romantic soliloquy by saying he wants to flip the table over and bed Vicki down. What a southern gentleman.

And bright and early the next morning, Tamra takes two bites of Greek yogurt (no carbs!) and heads out to her attorney’s office to sign her divorce papers. She calls Eddie on the way to plan a celebration for later, but as soon as she sits down in the office she bursts into tears. It’s just now occurring to her that she’s let her kids down and is splitting up their family. It’s been two years, Tamra. Have you just avoided thinking altogether?

"Well I HAVE avoided carbs altogether. Doesn't that count for something?"

We have a montage of Simon being a jerk and then a montage of Simon being sweet. Do you see how torn Tamra suddenly is? Sure, Simon was a controlling bully, but he did buy her expensive jewelry. And really, how important is respect in a marriage? And let’s factor a Rolex into that equation. Ultimately deciding to cut ALL ties - except for those pesky children they had together, Tamra is waiving spousal support, so I guess Bravo will be financing her fitness studio. And with the stroke of a pen, Tamra is legally single. She goes outside and calls Vicki to tell her how sad she is. While she sobs and regrets everything, Eddie is waiting at a restaurant with champagne and balloons, ha ha ha.

Next week! Alexis blows another morning show segment, Jim wants her to quit working, and Gretchen horrifies America by singing on camera. There’s also another fight involving Vicki. Someone must have forgotten that Briana almost had cancer.

I’m suddenly dying to go out and blow my salary on a bunch of clothes I would never wear. How about you guys?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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