Thursday, April 12, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Bowling Crashers

Last week on RHOC, we got some transitional filler. Also we learned that Heather’s husband is a plastic surgeon.

Ugh, we’re back at Billionaire’s Row to check in on the life that Heather is living and that we, most certainly, are NOT. In case you’re wondering, she’s putting fruit in a bowl. Are you screaming with jealousy? Tamra arrives to compliment Heather on participating in the Mud Run, as if Heather hasn’t patted her own back enough on that one. She’s such a joiner! She can get down and dirty!

"There's not much I can't do, Tamra. I AM opening a restaurant, after all."

And Heather has a new idea, which is to throw a couples bowling/champagne party (or as Heather says, “champs”).I have to say I like that Heather throws creative parties. First the painting party and now this. She offers distractions to keep the ladies off of each other’s throats. Tamra doesn’t want to come if she can’t fight freely, so she remembers she’s getting her fake boobs taken out next week. Heather wonders if Vicki and Brooks will come and Tamra discloses her suspicions about Brooks and all of his attentions to Vicki. Something sketchy is definitely going on there, but Heather doesn’t care because she’s married to a plastic surgeon.

And about now, Vicki has somehow torn herself away from the insurance office to have lunch with Brooks at a restaurant. And lest anyone think Vicki has any time to spare, she immediately informs the waiter that she is in a hurry because she has to get back to work. To prove it, she jumps in and finishes Brooks’s order for him when he hesitates for half a second deciding between tomato sauce and cheese. He starts to get annoyed but then Vicki discovers her card-of-the-day in her purse, so Brooks knows his master plan is still on track. And it works; Vicki feels completely fulfilled from receiving a card.

"Cartier is nice, but Hallmark proves you really love me."

She tells us how Brooks is the opposite of Donn because he’s so romantic. Let’s hear that in 20 years, Vick, because I’m sure Donn was romantic five minutes after you started dating him as well. Brooks asks Vicki about which assets she’s getting out of the divorce. Geez, be a little more obvious, Brooks, just in case you weren’t coming off as creepy enough. And Vicki is such a moron that she gives him an entire list of all of her assets and who gets what. I guess Brooks decides Vicki’s getting enough because he declares his love anew.

I know you must all be missing Billionaire’s Row, but never fear because here we are again! Heather is back in her luxurious home office to make phone calls inviting the gang to couples drunken bowling night.

"I'm SO beating Alexis on Words with Friends."

Alexis tells Heather to get lost because she just had life-saving sinus surgery and can’t bend over for a few days. Gretchen’s voicemail comes on instructing all callers to phone Slade. He must be earning eight bucks an hour as Gretchen’s receptionist on top of everything else.

Oh here we go. Alexis is on-hand to present yet another hard nosed news story (no pun intended). I guess she doesn’t have to bend over to bring us the world’s most fascinating stories. Her intensive research consists of some girl reading her people’s names off of note cards in the bathroom while Alexis puts on makeup ten seconds before the segment goes live.

Alexis: "So they're actors?"
Girl: "No, they're DOCTORS."
Alexis: "Oh like Dr. Booty..."
Girl: "Sort of."
Alexis: "But he was a REAL doctor."

As the scene unfolds, we keep hearing voiceovers of Alexis telling us that she’s the mom who does it all with both of her careers and that Jim is 100% behind her. Today’s brilliant segment that’s been entrusted to Alexis is entitled “Sex, Pop Culture and Kids,” and Alexis is sitting with a panel of three adolescent specialists, including a psychologist named Adria O’Donnell, whom Alexis repeatedly calls Dr. AREA O’Donnell. So not only is Alexis illiterate, but she actually thinks that there is a person named AREA. Then she can’t pronounce “adolescent psychologist,” either, so Dr. O’Donnell basically introduces herself by correcting Alexis after every word. The segment is another Alexis disaster. She asks a question, like “how about sexting?” And lets one of the experts get about a half sentence out, then interrupts to pontificate out loud about her own thoughts on the question she just asked. The experts essentially just sit there listening to Alexis talk about her kids.

"Zip it, Dr. Area. I'm trying to explain about my son's upcoming birthday party."

And she’s so proud of herself when it’s over for conducting such a hard hitting interview on such a sensitive, relevant topic. Who keeps inviting her back? It must be the lady from the bathroom whose extensions are even longer than Alexis’s.

And back in Orange County, we join Gretchen and Slade in the car en route to a vocal specialist where Gretchen will be trying desperately to rehabilitate her voice, which was damaged during her Bunco screaming match with Vicki. With her Pussycat Dolls performance just around the corner, Gretchen is terrified that her voice won’t be in stripper shape in time. Slade keeps ordering her to stop talking, hang up the phone, etc. In fact, when they arrive at the vocal coach, Slade does all the talking, saying they would like the coach to give “us” some exercises so that “we” will be ready for “our” Pussycat Dolls performance. In fact, why doesn’t he just step in and sing scales for Gretchen because she needs to let her voice rest. But Gretchen puts her foot down and does this part herself and can barely hit one correct note. This tone deafness must totally be from yelling at Vicki.

Slade: "Your stage presence completely makes up for your inability to hit a note."

And bright and early one morning, Tamra and Eddie arrive at the neighborhood surgery center to get Tamra’s saline bags removed. Eddie pretends to be a little dismayed about losing the boobs, but I doubt he’s ever really even noticed them.

Eddie: "I thought you already got your boobs removed."

Tamra has arrived for her surgery in full makeup and comes out of it the same way. Priorities. This surgery differs from Alexis’s in that the surgeon isn’t constantly telling the camera how the procedure is saving Tamra’s life. So I guess Tamra isn’t even going to try to get insurance to cover it.

Oh look, Jim and Alexis are having a special date night. These are hard to come by because Alexis is run ragged with her two careers as Vera Wang and Katie Couric. She reminds Jim that her one-morning-a-week throwaway news segments have forced him to become a Mr. Mom of sorts. He has to do things he’s never done before like remember his children’s names.

"Someone's got to bring the world the news, Jim."

Jim doesn’t appreciate this at all and tells Alexis that she needs to knock off being a major news anchor and concentrate on staying home with the kids. What was that Alexis was saying earlier about Jim being behind her 100 percent? Alexis reminds him that she’s bringing home a paycheck and doesn’t want to go through another foreclosure and Jim gets in a huff, not wanting his wife to get above her station like this. Women can work AND talk back to their husbands? What is the world coming to?

Meanwhile, Tamra is out of surgery, but still in makeup! Gretchen pops by with a gift before Tamra has even fully come out of the anesthesia. This is the same so-called friend who took FIVE DAYS to come visit Alexis (who had legitimate, medically necessary surgery, by the way). These two have done a pretty good job so far of keeping the old hatchet buried. The gift is, of course, booze.

And while the booze distracts Tamra, Eddie tries to hurry and pull the plug.

And it’s finally Couples Champagne Bowling Night! Heather gives us a lecture on how she loves to juxtapose classy things with common things, like taking a helicopter to LA to run errands and serving expensive champagne at a bowling alley. Not everyone is clever enough to come up with such thoughtful social commentary, you know. To hammer the point home, Heather is wearing a top covered in rhinestones or sequins or something super sparkly. Get it? She’s dressed like a billionairess in a bowling alley! Gretchen arrives dressed as Elly May Clampett because the little people just don’t get the irony of Heather’s subliminal party themes.

"Oh Gretchen, you're cute. Try wearing plaid after you've had a baby."

Gretchen’s friend Sara, who we saw at Vicki’s cajun food party and haven’t seen since, is also here with her boyfriend and Heather is appalled. It seems Gretchen invited her. Vicki and Brooks arrive and Gretchen reminds us that she can’t fight with Vicki again since she’s performing with the Pussycat Dolls very soon and must preserve her voice. They manage to greet each other with civility. Heather spells out the rules, announcing that the winning couple will receive a bottle of Cristal. Let the games begin! While attempting to send a ball down the lane, Vicki falls on her butt, but unfortunately the cameras miss it.

Just aftermath.

Sara keeps asking Gretchen if she’s going to confront Vicki about the last fight they had. Gretchen says no because she must protect her precious voice. But Sara doesn’t have a Pussycat Dolls performance coming up, so she takes matters into her own drunken hands. She marches up to Vicki and asks if she can talk to her for a minute. Vicki’s like, “Not really, I’m in the middle of another conversation. What do you want?” Well! All drunken hell breaks loose. Vicki walks away from Sara, who keeps trailing after her demanding to be treated with some respect. “I wassss jusss trying to get to know yoooou! Why yooou sooooo rude?” She slurs on and on.

"I'm juss as good as you housewifes!"

Heather finally takes Sara aside and tells her that the way she told Vicki they needed to have a talk is all wrong. Butt out, Heather. Your sparkly shirt is making Sara dizzy. Sara is almost in tears insisting that it wasn’t wrong and it was totally innocent and everyone here is crazy, what is the problem? Even Gretchen tells Sara to back off because she’s drunk and must have come across to Vicki as confrontational. Terry jumps into the conversation to remind us he’s a doctor and starts throwing medical terms around, telling how when psychotic patients come in (for plastic surgery?!) they use sedatives and Sara could use some right now. Sedatives and some botox.

Sara: "I heard thaaat. And for your inforrrmation, I haaaaave botox alreadyyyy..."

And Sara by now really is in drunken tears and still calling across the bowling alley that Vicki is rude and a bully. She’s from northern California and not used to all this cattiness. Up north people let you pick fights and don’t ask you what you want instead of letting you tell them off. Heather finally shuts her up by announcing that Vicki wins the Cristal! The party begins to break up with Sara announcing that she’s not going to be a sacrificial lamb to this group of insaaaaaane horrrrrrrible womeeeeen, then stumbling out of the building. For once Vicki was actually the reasonable calm person in an argument. Huh.

Next week! Tamra’s as flat as a pancake and the girls go camping. Gretchen wastes her voice by sobbing her worries about her Pussycat Dolls performance.

So what do you think? Is Sara vying for a spot on the show? What will Alexis enlighten us about next?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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