Friday, April 20, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Must Love Glamping

Last week on RHOC, Tamra decided small boobs are better, and Gretchen’s friend Sara went all Christian Bale on the housewives at Heather’s champagne bowling party.  Let’s see what’s going on now.

Vicki drops by to pay Tamra a condolence call on no longer having a chest.  She’s really irritated that Tamra seems to have taken a step toward unaugmented self love, so she drops nasty comments right and left:  she needs a microscope to see Tamra’s boobs, Tamra will never have sensation in her boobs again, Eddie doesn’t give good cards like Brooks does, etc.

"I've had it up to here with your healthy self-esteem, Tamra!"

Tamra changes the subject and wants to hear about what went down at the bowling party.  Vicki says that Sara is insane and oh yeah, Alexis called Vicki to find out about it as well.  Tamra doesn’t appreciate Vicki trying to be friends with Alexis, but Vicki thinks Tamra deserves it for being friends with Gretchen.  And now Vicki’s tired of this conversation and has to get back to the insurance office.  She would have brought Tamra some sort of gift - like a padded push-up bra - but she didn’t have time what with work and all. 

Oh goody, we’re stopping in at the think tank that is Alexis’s house.  She has a friend/employee sitting at the kitchen table putting together packets with the ingredients to make s’mores.  This is part of the gift packs Alexis will be giving all the gals when they go glamour-camping, or glamping.

"I still don't get why they're not just called s'amiches..."

This apparently involves staying in a cabin with running water, but with a fire pit outside.  So yeah, like going in your backyard, but more expensive.  Shannon, the friend/employee, congratulates Alexis on planning such a laid back trip for the girls and Alexis reminds us that she’s from Missouri so she’s used to animals and being outside.  But Dr. Boobies told her that her nose isn’t all healed yet and she needs to bring a nurse into the wilderness with her in case of sinus blockage or a brain hemorrhage.  We learn that Shannon is Alexis’s hair and makeup girl, so she’ll fit the bill for a nurse just perfectly!  Plus she’ll take it as a huge compliment instead of realizing it’s the worst nursing gig ever.  

Over at Gretchen’s our voiceless singer is packing up her crap to go glamping and Slade is yelling up at her from downstairs asking if she needs anything, but for heaven’s sake, don’t call out an answer, TEXT him back.  Gretchen laughs then yells down that she’s texting him right now.  Slade is exasperated because after all, if Gretchen can’t perform with the Pussycat Dolls, 20% of nothing is... nothing.  He gets mad enough to come into the same room to talk to Gretchen and tells her she can’t go glamping because she can’t keep her yap shut and her voice will never bounce back.

"You're endangering my livelihood and that's where I draw the line!"

And later Shannon is chauffeuring Alexis on the first leg of glamping (I guess driving might cause Alexis’s nostrils to implode), which is over to Vicki’s house.  Oh look who’s coming - Briana!  An actual nurse!  An actual nurse who would never agree to be Alexis’s weekend nurse, by the way.  Vicki reminds us what a dark place she and Briana just came out of with the cancer scare, so glamping is really something they need to do this weekend. I’m sure sleeping in a cabin with her mother will be just the ticket to soothe Briana’s frazzled nerves.  Heather pulls up with an assistant of her own, who is there to help her move her stuff from her car into Alexis’s car.  Heather’s mad to discover that the cabins don’t come with blow dryers.  Well Heather, send that assistant out to buy you one and bring it to the woods. Oh and PS, Heather has been glamping before - on the fairway at her country club.  I’m not kidding.  I guess billionaires have either really long extension cords or blow-dryer-equipped fairways. 

Heather rides with Vicki and Briana, and over in Alexis’s car, Alexis tells Shannon that she’s going to shut her brain off and stop working.  You mean her brain has been ON all this time?  Oh dear.  After bobbing her head around to the car radio for about seven seconds, Alexis needs an ice pack on her nose and reclines for the rest of the drive.

"Jesus take the wheel."

Tamra’s not glamping because she’s post-op and also she hates Alexis.  Eddie comes over with flowers and they play with the implants Tamra just had removed.  Eddie says Tamra used to look like a hooker.  Oh and he has a huge cast on his arm from when he broke his pinky in the mud run.  Why don’t these two hire a nurse for the weekend?  Tamra could use some ice packs and Eddie’s entire arm is out of commission.

This is what happens when you consult Heather's husband over a broken pinky nail.

The gals arrive to check-in for glamping.  Heather’s left her assistant behind and demands a king-sized bed for her private cabin.  Vicki is worried about Heather staying alone because the bears might get her.  Those would be the bears of Santa Barbara, which they are just outside of.  Next stop is the Canyon Market, which also provides all kinds of food choices that will be delivered to the ladies’ fire pit for them to grill.  They order up different marinated meats and whole bunch of liquor.  When everyone gets to their cabins they discover the gift packs Alexis made up for them.  The following poem is displayed with the gifts:
    With our crazy lives, our time is dire.
    So let’s grab a glass of wine and have s’mores by the fire!
    xoxo, Alexis

Vicki is all put out by the use of the word “dire,” but realizes Alexis needed to rhyme something with “fire.”  Besides, we all “flumble” words sometimes, she says.  Alexis is on the phone to the front desk ordering ice and a wine opener.  She discovers an ice tray in the mini fridge freezer and is astounded to learn that you can make your own ice!  If only she knew what it was made out of!

Outside the girls sit around drooling over some wine bottles while they wait for the opener to arrive.  Heather is the last one to emerge from her cabin because she had to find a “red wine glass” and I guess the others were happy with white wine glasses or something.  Peasants.

Heather:  "Just because we're in the jungle doesn't mean we have to be barbaric."

Vicki hides out in her cabin to talk to Brooks on the phone, which Briana doesn’t appreciate.  She tells us that her mom’s relationship with Brooks is weird because it’s getting pretty serious and Briana barely knows him.  I bet I know a way for Briana to get back at Vicki!

And back outside around the fire pit (no fire yet), Heather is drilling Alexis about why on earth she and Jim are renting a home when they go around acting like they’re as rich as the Trumps.  Alexis says Jim is overly cautious about purchasing a home after his last foreclosure disaster and besides, renting isn’t that much more expensive than buying.  HA!

"We actually SAVE money by spending more every month on a house that isn't ours."

Oh Heather, don’t you know it’s not a woman’s place to bother her pretty head about money?  Alexis tells her that they are beyond happy because they’ve turned everything over to God.  Heather nods and thinks of her giant Buddha statue.

"Billionaire's Row has a 'no renters' policy."

Gretchen calls Alexis at the fire pit and takes 15 minutes to explain that her voice is still on the fritz and she can’t be hanging out with the girls in the woods because all she would be doing is talking, which would ruin her voice for her Pussycat Dolls performance and she also still needs to learn her song because she has no idea how she’s supposed to sing it when she’s up there on stage, you know, so she just can’t come glamping, not this time.  Thank goodness she’s sparing her voice.  Vicki is thrilled NOT to be seeing Gretchen. 

Alexis keeps whining that this is not glamping, it’s regular camping because there are bugs.  Does she realize there are also insects when she steps outside of her home?  Or outside of the salon, or the mall, or wherever else she goes?  I thought she was from Missouri.  But to help with the bothersome outdoors, Alexis has brought a gift scarf for everyone.

A guy finally comes with the food that was ordered and shows Heather how to start a fire with the special provided glamping tools.  When he leaves, Heather follows his step-by-step directions and Vicki argues with every single one of them.  Heather seems to be the only one who can stand up to Vicki without everything turning into a catfight.  And luckily so, because the fire is built properly so the food can be grilled.  If anyone had listened to Vicki, they’d be trying to rub sticks together.  And Alexis is already on the phone trying to order a pizza because she doesn’t trust the looks of the campfire. Nor does she trust a noise that suddenly comes from the woods and she grabs her phone to call 911.  But before the SWAT team can arrive everyone realizes it’s just a skunk and Vicki scares it off by screeching at it.  Works every time!

"Let me tweet this before you scare him off."

After dinner, Vicki waxes thoughtful about the importance of life.  This is what she’s learned to do after Briana’s huge brush with cancer.  She announces that she wants to appreciate everyone and that she needs to make things right with Gretchen.  Alexis thinks that’s great, but she’s back on the phone with the front desk wanting to know how they throw away the trash.  She’s directed to a trash bin, but after walking five feet from the fire decides it’s too much work and calls the front desk back to tell them she’ll just leave the trash and they can come put it in the bin.  Please come again, Alexis!  And be sure to bring all your friends!  And the cameras!

The next morning, Heather calls her husband to find out which surgeries he’s performed so far today.  Don’t worry, Heather - we still know he’s a plastic surgeon.

"You're at the CLINIC you say?  Performing SURGERIES? Just another day in the life of a DOCTOR!"

She’s mad that she forgot her “special pillowcases” and has awakened with little lines on her face.  Um, I don’t think those are from a pillowcase, Heather.  They may be permanent.  If only you were married to a plastic surgeon who could Botox them out.  Also, Heather needed an ASSISTANT to load her crap into Alexis’s car.  That’s how much stuff she brought for one night and she STILL forgot a hair dryer and pillowcases.

In Vicki’s cabin, Briana tells Vicki she’s going to hang out with Ryan tonight.  Ryan is Briana’s beau who has been gone in Afghanistan.  Ah ha!  This is the guy we’ve been hearing about on the interwebs!  Vicki is irritated that she doesn’t know Ryan, but Briana tells us that’s very deliberate.  Good call, Briana.  You don’t want him running before this season airs.

Alexis wakes up cold because she and her assistant didn’t find the thermostat until morning.

Over breakfast at the restaurant, the girl talk turns to rings.  Who has what wedding ring and what do you do with your ring when you get divorced, etc.  Alexis tells about how when she and Jim lived in a NON-GATED COMMUNITY they were robbed and the robbers took Jim’s 80 thousand dollar watch.  They probably watched the show and saw Jim telling the cameras exactly how much everything cost.  Heather is appalled to learn that the watch wasn’t insured and even more appalled to learn that Alexis is now so paranoid that she wears a fake ring around.  Heather is downright suspicious of people who rent their homes and wear fake diamonds. 

Heather:  "Next you'll be telling me there are decent restaurants in Orange County!"

Oh geez, Gretchen’s having another vocal session in another desperate attempt to save her Pussycat Dolls appearance.  I’m so sick of this Pussycat Dolls show I could vomit and it hasn’t even happened yet!  And WORD, Annie, on your comment last week about NO ONE CARING ABOUT THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!!  Slade acts like Gretchen’s opening for Lady Gaga or something. Their trashy moment was over years ago.  She’s singing “Fever,” which honestly isn’t an extremely difficult song and all Gretchen can do is croak it out.

"Don'tcha wish your girlfriend could sing like me?"

On the way home Gretchen frets and frets.  Slade tells her to just listen to the song over and over because she’s got to come up with some way to make this work!  He’s got to eat!  Slade blames Gretchen for yelling at Vicki and Gretchen blames Slade for his stupid comedy routine that pissed her off in the first place.

Back to our glampers.  They’re coming home now and Heather is in Alexis’s car listening to Alexis rattle off the cars she and her husband own.  A convertible Bentley, a Phantom, and Alexis is getting an SL55 to replace her Beemer, and they’re in some SUV right now.  Heather tells us that Alexis needs to shut up because Heather doesn’t care about all her fancy cars.  THIS from the woman who proudly told us she lives on Billionaire’s Row and that her husband is dropping 65 grand on new suits.  And let’s not forget the million dollars in play money for her freaking restaurant.  This isn’t your soapbox to preach on, Heather.

Next week!  FINALLY Gretchen does her stupid Pussycat Dolls performance so we can all move on!  The whole gang comes to Las Vegas for the occasion, which looks like a great setting for more fights!  See you then!

And I’d like to give Sheesh a shout out for reminding me of a pearl of wisdom given to Vicki from Brooks.  It may be my new sign-off:  Remember, darling readers, there is no “us” without “u.” 

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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