Thursday, April 26, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Imaginary Careers

Hopefully we’ve all recovered from last week’s glamping adventure, because this week we’re heading to Vegas!

We join Alexis welcoming Gretchen into her home to watch her latest Fox 5 breaking news interview.  This is the last one we saw - about kids and sexualization.  I guess Gretchen was once on a morning show to promote her handbags so Alexis thinks she’s the expert on morning shows.  As Alexis tries to figure out how to pull up the segment on her computer, Gretchen goes, “I’m so glad that you got to do this, cause you know they asked ME to do this.”  Alexis is like, “What?”  And Gretchen says she’s way too busy to do it, so she’s glad Alexis gets to do it, but Fox DOES keep calling her and asking her to do it.  Alexis clarifies that this is her regular segment, like every week she does this.  Gretchen says yes, that’s what they keep asking her to do - a regular segment - so she’s glad Alexis gets to be second choice.  Wow.  I’m no Alexis fan, but that is pretty bitchy of Gretchen.  Even if it’s true.  Here’s Alexis’s big chance to say that she’s glad the Pussycat Dolls decided to use Gretchen as her understudy since she’s too Christian to appear in a stripper show, but she doesn’t.  She just plays her segment.

Gretchen: "Oh yeah, I see why they keep calling me."

Gretchen laughs at it and comments about how bad Alexis sounds and that her outfit was totally inappropriate for a segment on the sexualization of children.  She tells Alexis that she has a hosting coach who helps her connect with the audience.  I’m dying laughing because all I can think about is Gretchen BOMBING her hosting gig at the Improv and just standing there in her sparkly bikini because she couldn’t tell a joke to save her life!  Is that what her coach taught her?  Or was this “coach” just Slade with cue cards?  Alexis is mad that Gretchen didn’t just tell her she was great.

At Billionaire’s Row Heather is with her assistant once again loading stuff into the car.

"Did you COUNT the ice cubes in my macchiato?  I said THREE.  Not two.  Not four."

I’m so confused as to why she needs an assistant.  She’s a stay at home mom and you KNOW she’s got nannies.  The same goes for Alexis.  Who hires someone to carry their purse?  Heather reminds us that she’s an ACTRESS.  Heather Paige Kent, thank you very much.  She was on a show called “That’s Life” ten years ago and a Jenny McCarthy series about 15 years ago.  According to her imdb page, she’s one of those actresses whose career is made up of guest appearances here and there, with a couple of leads on short-lived projects.  I’ll admit, that’s more than I gave her credit for, but with the way she talks you’d think she was in demand.  Today Heather is going up to LA to audition for another series.  She reminds us that she hasn’t been acting because she has four children under the age of seven (she really likes saying that), but now that her kids are getting a little older she’s thinking of dusting off the old acting shoes.  AND like Alexis, Heather makes her assistant chauffeur her around.  Heather frets and frets in the car ride about how getting back into show business will take her away from her family.  Let’s calm down, Heather.  You’re taking a couple of hours to drive to Los Angeles.  No one’s asking you to even be away for an entire day yet.  She hedges her bets by saying she kind of hopes she doesn’t get the part because she doesn’t want to have to choose between her career and her family.  Don’t worry Heather.  You won’t.  So thank goodness you made it clear that you are ambivalent. 

Someone who is definitely choosing her career is Gretchen.  She’s on the couch folding Slades’ underwear while he looks through the kitchen cupboards for food and she calls all of the housewives to invite them to come to Las Vegas to see her Big Performance.

 "Geez Gretchen.  I'm making you a star. Can't you at least make me dinner?"

When she calls Tamra and mentions the laundry, Tamra tells us, “If you ain’t got a ring, you don’t fold a thing.”  Seriously.  Slade is like Gretchen’s 12-year-old son.  If only we could all be so lucky to find a MANager like him. 

And later at Billionaire’s Row, Heather is dressed like an extra from an Austin Powers movie and she talks her audition over with Terry, who is teaching their small son how to play pool.  He wants to know how much time this part would demand of Heather and she says it’s not a lead role (shocking!) so she wouldn’t have to be on set that much, but it shoots in Canada, so she WOULD have to move to another country.  Terry thinks Heather should be content with the amazing life they’re living now - paid for by the vanity of the Orange County masses - and not worry about a career of her own.  But he’ll support whatever she chooses.  He’s nervous though, because Canadian women are much happier with their faces and he doesn’t know how he would make a living.  Heather wants to do something for herself and not feel like she let life pass her by, but she also doesn’t want to miss out on raising her children.  This whole conversation is premature and probably unnecessary.  Heather went on an AUDITION.  She hasn’t been offered anything.  It’s certainly not time for Terry to open a new practice in Canada, although Heather does suggest an awesome signage opportunity:  “Botox, eh?” 

Keeping with the theme of balancing family and career, Alexis joins Jim in his home office where he’s doing who-knows-what to finance their next vehicular and/or real estate debacle, and she tells him she’s thinking of hiring a hosting coach like Gretchen did.

"ALEXIS.  How many times do I have to tell you - NEVER come in here."

Jim doesn’t understand how working with a hosting coach will help Alexis be a better wife.  She clarifies that it’s for her Fox gig and Jim worries that if Alexis starts working more than an hour a week she might figure out how money works and catch on that all he’s doing is cooking their books.  Apparently this requires wearing a backwards baseball cap.  He warns her to think really hard about missing seeing their kids grow up if she’s determined to drive the whole hour to San Diego every Friday for her segment and now wants to add meetings with a coach on top of that.  The kids won’t even recognize her if she doesn’t give up these silly pipe dreams.

Let’s check in on Vicki.  She’s packing for Vegas and there is a woman named Heidi helping her, who is labeled as “Vicki’s employee.”  Vicki has an assistant too?  Or is this just an insurance broker who was cajoled into helping Vicki pick out outfits?

 "If I choose this top will you finally give me last quarter's commission?"

Heidi wonders if there will be tension with the group, but Vicki says that this time she’s bringing Brooks in case things get mean.  He’s just as capable of sending nasty cards as he is romantic cards so if anyone crosses Vicki in his presence, they better watch their mailbox.

And now Slade and Gretchen have arrived in Vegas and are en route to their hotel.  Gretchen is beside herself knowing that she’s in Vegas to PERFORM on a VEGAS STAGE!  Slade goes on and on about once you’re a Pussycat Doll you’re always a Pussycat Doll, so Gretchen is right up there with Christina Aguilera and Pink.  Well, those two may have performed with the Pussycat Dolls, but do either of them have their own makeup line?  I didn’t think so.  And were they put up in a luxury suite in The Cosmopolitan hotel?  Ok, probably. 

The next day the rest of the gang arrives in Vegas and I guess they’re in an Escalade limo to go from the airport to their hotel (limos are lined up around the airport in Vegas, by the way, to take anyone with 50 bucks anywhere they want to go) and Heather mentions that Alexis has an Escalade.  Tamra says that Alexis gets a new car every 21 days and wonders if that’s how long it takes to repo.

 Tamra:  "I'll just buy my Escalade at the police auction that sells the Bellinos'."

Heather mentions the long list of cars Alexis gave her on the way home from glamping and wants to know what Jim does for a living.  No one knows.  When Heather says that Alexis called Jim an entrepreneur, Vicki goes, “Aren’t we all?” and Terry jumps on the opportunity to announce, “I’m a doctor!”  Thanks for this scene’s reminder, Terry!  Heather’s getting really suspicious of the Bellinos’ money and tells us she can’t stand people who are phony.  You picked the wrong show, Heather.  But she’s totally right about Alexis and Jim.  They are flying by the seat of Jim’s Ed Hardy jeans.  In other news, everyone is really nervous about Gretchen’s ability to sing...

Including Gretchen, who is arriving to rehearse.  Mikey, the choreographer, gives Gretchen some BASIC steps to do while she sings.  I mean like walking across the stage and waving.

 "Ok, forget waving.  Just hold your arm down like this.  You can do it!"

Gretchen starts to lose it because how is she supposed to remember all the words to her song and also remember all of these dance moves Mikey is throwing at her mere hours before the performance?  Plus her voice isn’t even a hundred percent yet from yelling at Vicki weeks ago.  Mikey tells her it’s all about the vocals because if those are no good, everyone loses.  I think everyone’s going to lose, whether Gretchen remembers to wave or not.

The gang is meeting up for food or cocktails or something and Vicki hugs Gretchen and tells her how proud she is.  See, when your daughter almost has cancer you realize it’s okay to be nice sometimes.

 "If you were a mother, Gretchen, you'd understand this new peace I've discovered."

Gretchen tells the girls how terrified she is because she’s not a burlesque performer and she has no idea how all this happened.  Well Gretchen, your 12-year-old manager set it all up and you agreed to it.  Heather chimes in that, in case we’ve forgotten, she used to tour with a 14 piece big band so she understands that performances like this are not easy.  And she opened for the Velvet Fog, so she REALLY KNOWS.

Alexis and Jim are late for dinner because Alexis has hired a Vegas makeup artist to do her face since her nose job bruises aren’t all gone yet.  I really think Alexis must be disabled.  She can not do ANYTHING by herself.  She can’t comb her own hair.  She can’t even put her own frozen peas on her face!  How much money would she save by buying a book on how to apply makeup?  Wait, then she’d have to read.  How much money would she save by taking a class on how to apply makeup instead of paying someone to do it for her every single time she leaves the house?  And every single time she doesn’t?  This particular makeup artist is a huge mistake.  Alexis looks like she’s in blackface.  Jim mentions that it looks rather dark and the girl says don’t worry, she’s going to put a lighter coat over the dark coat.  Huh?  Why not just start with a light coat?  While the makeup girl digs through her bag for something Alexis runs around the room hopping up and down and loud-whispering to Jim that it’s too much makeup.  Just too much!  Jim is just annoyed that this is taking so long, so Alexis shoos the girl out and frantically dabs at her face with baby wipes, screaming, “Babe I can’t get it off!”  See what I mean about disabled?  And that was several hundred dollars well spent, I’m sure.

 "Jim, will you ask the concierge to call a makeup REMOVAL artist?  I can't do this."

When Alexis has finally mopped enough excess makeup off her face, she and Jim show up at the restaurant and Tamra calls Jim “Jimmy the Chin Bellino” because apparently he has gotten a chin implant!  I scoured the interwebs for before and after pictures and it seems that he also got liposuction on his neck.
 Or it could just be the lack of the stunning fauxhawk.

This guy is a piece of work!  And what happened to never wanting to hang out with these people ever again?  I guess he wanted a chance to get his new face on TV.  His chin does look better, but there is no procedure that removes douche.  Not even at Terry’s practice.  Alexis tells the exciting story of her Las Vegas makeup artist gone awry, to which Tamra responds that she still looks like a drag queen, which she does with all that heavy eye makeup.  And next to tell a story is Brooks, who presents Alexis and Jim with a scenario.

In keeping with his habit of sending Vicki daily affirmations or daily quotes, Brooks recently sent Vicki the following story:

Man tells woman you mean the world to me and I want to shout it to the world.  Woman tells man, then shout it to the world.  Man leans over to woman and whispers in her ear, I love you.

OMG, Brooks has major problems.  The most prominent of which, right now, is that Vicki doesn’t understand this idiotic tale. And Alexis is truly baffled.  Major backfire.  Instead of making Vicki swoon, Brooks has made her feel confused and intellectually inferior.  This isn’t going to bode well with his plans of becoming a major reality star.  He tries to explain that in the story the woman IS the man’s whole world, but Vicki still doesn’t get it.  Alexis advises Brooks not to use such big words and complex ideas. 

In this week’s mini scene, Jim and Terry swap in vitro stories.  Remember, they both have twins!  They discuss how they had to produce their sperm specimens.  Next!

To everyone’s dismay, this Pussycat Dolls BS is being dragged out yet another week because Gretchen is still just getting her hair fluffed and her makeup exaggerated.  Oh and her sequined corset tightened.

Stripper Barbie (hoarse edition)

As the gang files into the club and gets settled, Alexis frets that this looks like a strip club.  Yeah, what did you think the Pussycat Dolls were?  A puppet show?  In a burst of spiritual emotion, Alexis finds Gretchen and says a prayer with her to help her be a gooder stripper.  That about sums up Alexis’s religious existence, I would say.

Next week!  This performance better happen or my poor precious television is going to end up paying the price!  Oh and I think we also get to see Briana shatter Vicki’s world.  HA!

Remember, dear readers, there is no “us” without “u.” 

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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