Friday, May 04, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Vegas Confidential

Hey guys!  The comments last week were HILARIOUS!  The Lifetime movie about Brooks and Vicki?  Awesome.  Bravo just continuing to roll tape as Brooks drains Vicki’s accounts?  Exactly.  What a great episode that would make!  You guys are just a constant reminder that there is no “us” without “u!”  I love it!

All right, we’re still in Vegas and we’re still at the Pussycat Dolls strip club and Gretchen is still in sparkly lingerie getting ready to shake her moneymaker in front of dozens of people.  She tells us that not only is she singing in the show, she’s also introducing the whole show.  Oh, good thing she has that hosting coach she told us about or else this could be embarrassing.

"Anyone know how to turn this thing on?"

She wiggles her butt around and introduces the dancers, tells everyone it’s her birthday, then runs offstage to change into stripper costume #2.  The rest of the gang is entertained by the dancers.  Vicki tells us that Brooks, being from the South, has never seen anything like this.  Riiiiiiiight.  There are no strip clubs in the South and even if there were, Brooks has certainly never patronized them.  Sure.  We see a dancer do upside down splits right in Tamra’s face and Tamra tells us she could be a gynecologist now.  Then Alexis says that Jimmy the Chin isn’t enjoying this one little bit; he’s just being a supportive husband.  Cut straight to Jim all bug-eyed and open-mouthed, staring up at some girl’s crotch.

"I'm so blessed to have a husband who doesn't enjoy these types of things."

As Gretchen gets into her police stripper outfit, Robin Antin listens to her practice singing and tells her to watch certain notes and maybe just whisper them instead of singing them.  HA!  Gretchen says she needed at least a week to practice on this particular stage with this particular microphone.  Oh Gretchen, a YEAR wouldn’t help you if just can’t sing.  Slade says he’s nervous because HE’S worked very, very hard on this performance and it’s a big step for both of them.  Worked hard at what, exactly?  Nagging Gretchen?  Making her text you from the next room to “spare” her voice? 

So Gretchen FINALLY comes out and sings Fever, and let me tell you - it’s not good.  Not for a professional performance.  Her voice is pretty weak, she’s off key through much of the song, and she sounds out of breath, like it’s too much effort to thrust her hips and sing at the same time.  If only she’d had a week to practice on this microphone.

And hadn't been forced to remember these complex dance moves.

Tamra says the vocals were “ehh,” but that Gretchen looked great.  Vicki tells us she wasn’t impressed.  Alexis says Gretchen did the best she could.  So basically everyone knows she sucked.  But they’re proud of her for getting up there. 

Back in Gretchen’s hotel suite, Crazy Sara from champagne bowling approaches Vicki and apologizes to her for going nuts on her at Heather’s bowling party.  Vicki just says thank you.  Gretchen comes out in sparkly underwear outfit #3, which is I guess her after-party outfit.  Everyone is really nice and tells her she did great.  When she says she feels like she was a little off, Tamra goes, “It’s your birthday!” In other words, yes Gretchen, you were off.  Tamra gives Gretchen a present, which is a picture of the two of them at the mud run, then Vicki hands Gretchen a gift and says she’s sorry (for their screaming match, I guess).  Gretchen says thank you and Vicki goes, “You can say you’re sorry back whenever you’re ready!” meaning RIGHT NOW OR ELSE.

Sara:  "I already said sorry and I have a slutty outfit too!  When do I become a permanent cast member?"

Slade gives a toast to momentarily distract from his douchiness.

The next day Vicki, Tamra, Heather and their men gather at a Blackjack table to play a few hands and discuss how mature Vicki is for apologizing to Gretchen.  Vicki says she can’t be in any toxic relationships.  I didn’t know she had any other kind.

And upstairs, Gretchen seems to have woken up PAINTED in blue eyeshadow and ready to hear Slade shower her with compliments both on her performance and for her birthday.  He also tells her she is a born performer and that if she just does what she loves she’ll never work a day in her life.  Then he gives a quintessential Slade quote:  “I truly feel like I have been blessed - my entire life I’ve never worked.”

"And the child support judge can quote me on that!"

BINGO!  I know he meant that he so loves being Gretchen’s manager that it doesn’t FEEL like work, but of course the truth is that Slade really doesn’t work!  He LOVES leeching so much that it doesn’t even feel like work anymore!  Gretchen says she’s the luckiest girl in the world and no amount of money could ever, ever, ever change that.  HA!  I love that she hid a reminder that Slade is broke inside of a compliment.  I also love that she thinks she’s lucky.

Back in Orange County, Vicki and Brooks are walking through a house that Vicki rents out. I guess she’s selling it due to the divorce.  She keeps pointing out all the fabulous features to Brooks and you can see the wheels in his shady mind turning.  We have flashbacks to previous seasons to remind us that Jeana sold Vicki this house and promised her it was a great investment and she’d never lose money on it.  After that, SLADE was Vicki’s tenant until he started living off of Gretchen.  And back to the present, when this house is worth a million dollars less than Vicki paid for it.  Oops.  Brooks comforts Vicki by telling her that a house is just a house, but she makes it a home.  What?  How does that help her feel better about losing a million dollars?  I guess it doesn’t because Vicki sobs.

Doesn't Hallmark make a "Sorry You Lost A Mil" card Brooks?

She says that she and Donn were going to sell their main house and move into this one for their retirement.  Brooks keeps the cliches coming.  Embrace the past, but don’t look to it - learn from it.  Was that today’s affirmation?  Or was it that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond?  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  A stitch in time saves nine.  In for a penny, in for a pound.  A woman needs a man like a fish needs a... wait, that one doesn’t help Brooks. 

Let’s see what Alexis is up to.  It looks like she’s gone against Jimmy the Chin’s advice and hired herself a coach.  She says that she and Jim prayed hard about it, but sometimes they come up with different answers.  Oh, is that how it works?  Anyway she starts off by telling her coach - Terry - that she knows she’s no Katie Couric (still pronounced “Cure-ick”), but she’d like to see where this can take her.  Terry tells Alexis that she has a lot to work on, starting with the slutty outfit Alexis wore to do a segment about the sexualization of children.

"Basically hon, you looked like an imbecile prostitute."

Terry says that live television is like a bus and as a presenter Alexis has to drive the bus and right now she’s only qualified to be a passenger.  In real life Alexis is also only a passenger in her own cars as well, which she has her assistants drive.  What does that tell you?  Terry has Alexis practice by presenting a news segment on a family home that is burning down.  HA HA!  AS IF Fox would ever entrust anything important to Alexis.  I guess the theory is that if she can master this she can certainly tell you which fruit your butt is shaped like.  Needless to say, Alexis is awkward and inappropriate, beginning each take with, “Hi!” even though Terry keeps telling her not to.  She even says it makes Alexis sound like a bimbo.  I’m starting to like Terry until she tells Alexis she might actually have a future in this.

In other news, somehow Heather has agreed to dine at one of Orange County’s many horrible restaurants.  She and Terry meet up with Gretchen and Slade.  Slade starts off by telling them what a good-looking couple they are.

"Well yes, obviously."

The Dubrows talk about the fact that they are Boo-Jews and tell about Heather’s Buddhist worry beads bracelet.  Terry says that the point of the beads is to remind you not to worry about anything because we’ll all be dead soon anyway.  That kind of philosophy sort of negates Terry’s whole career, wouldn’t you think?  Speaking of which, I’ve forgotten what Terry does.  I wish he’d remind me.   Then Gretchen tells about the record deal she’s working on (on what planet?) and how she wants to do something Broadway oriented.  Wow, she’s deluded.  Heather tells us she’s not sure Gretchen has a “Broadway voice.”  Ya think?  But she does congratulate Gretchen again on her Pussycat Dolls triumph.  Also, wasn’t Slade trying to launch a musical career for Jo de la Rosa as well?  Got any other tricks up that sleeve, Slade?  Slade keeps jumping in and saying what a cute couple Heather and Terry are.  What does he want from them?  Is he going to offer to launch music careers for them too?

"Terry, I have a feeling you're a dynamite tenor!"

Heather brings up that she can’t figure Alexis out and Terry flat out says that she’s phony,which prompts Heather to cut off his alcoholic beverages. 

The mini scene this week is Alexis meeting with a hang tag designer for Alexis Couture and leaving him every 10 seconds to give her daughter juice and change the TV channel.  Sooo, she has an assistant to straighten her hair but not to fill sippy cups while she’s in a meeting?

We drop in on Tamra as she’s bringing towels and a vacuum to her son Ryan who has just moved into his own “big boy” apartment.  In typical bachelor pad fashion, there is no furniture, but there is a 50 inch flat screen TV box lurking in the kitchen.  Tamra tells us that Ryan and Simon hated each other, but of course Ryan and Eddie just adore each other.  I remember when Simon got Ryan a job in the Mercedes parts warehouse and Ryan was all insulted because fetching parts was beneath him.  Maybe Eddie can hook him up with CEO job that’s suitable to his talents.  Tamra takes Ryan shopping for a couch on which he can watch his flat screen, but he can’t afford very much.  Tamra wants to help him out by loaning him money, but Eddie advises against it when she calls him for advice.  CEOs don’t borrow money from their mommies; they just buy cheap couches.  See what a fantastic stepdad Eddie will be?

I hear Brooks is looking for an intern...

Here we go!  Vicki, Briana and (a different) Ryan are sitting down to dinner at a restaurant.

"Pleasure to meet you, Mom.  I mean, MA'AM."

This is the guy Briana’s been dating that Vicki has never met.  He’s just back from Afghanistan.   Briana tells Vicki they have a bomb to drop on her and Vicki immediately starts twitching.  She says she doesn’t like bombs.  Briana says that with Ryan being in Afghanistan and her having surgery they’ve realized life is short, they want to be spontaneous, and they know what they want.  SO!  A couple of days ago they drove to Vegas, went to a drive-through wedding chapel and GOT MARRIED!  Wow, they didn’t even get out of the car!  How romantic.  Briana explains that she didn’t tell Vicki beforehand because she knew Vicki would freak out and she just didn’t want to deal with that.  But they DO still want to have a big wedding and all that stuff.  And I’m sure they still want Vicki to pay for it.  Vicki is horrified.  She seriously looks like she’s about to spontaneously combust.  She’s not sure what to say and blames herself for not being a good marriage role model.  Well, that’s a start, Vick.  She tells us she feels like she’s failed as a mother and wants them to get it annulled.  Briana says that when it’s right it’s right and they just didn’t want to wait.  Not even long enough to park the car and get out.

Next week!  FALLOUT!!!  Also, Slade brings up proposing to Gretchen AGAIN!  Please.  Vicki goes into another rough patch, and there is some sort of party where Vicki tells everyone Briana is married and then wants Ryan to meet Brooks.

So was anyone surprised at Gretchen’s performance?  And talk to me about this drive-through wedding!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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