Thursday, May 10, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: It's a Not-Celebration!

Previously on the Real Housewives of Orange County, everyone went to Vegas where Gretchen proved to America that she absolutely can not sing - not even a really easy song with strippers pulling attention away from her voice.  And where Briana secretly got married at a chapel with a drive-through window.  We left Vicki just before her head exploded upon hearing the news.

Tonight we join Tamra and Vicki shopping for lingerie.  Ugh, do we really have to see this?  Who wants to watch grandmas shopping for underwear?

"And I've been using fake fur to make my boobs look bigger, but I've got to change my clothes eventually, right?"

Oh, but I forgot there is an important issue at hand, which is that since Tamra has had her implants removed, she needs to be fitted for a brand new bra!  And since Vicki’s never had a special fitting, she’s going to get one too!  Vicki tells the lady with the tape measure that she doesn’t want a pointy bra; she wants to look natural.  Vicki, you’re not being measured for a “Mad Men” costume.  I think you’ll be all right.  It turns out that Vicki is a double F and Tamra is a D.  And that’s post-implant removal.  Whenever I see professional bra fittings on TV people are told they’re way bigger than they think.  It never sounds right.  Do the pro bra fitters have their own scale?  Either way, Vicki is offended because she doesn’t even think she’s a D.

"My new boyfriend hates boobs.  HATES them.  So I made mine smaller."

Once they get their bras squared away, they wander into the sexy lingerie section, which is just gross.  Tamra suggests Vicki gets something for Briana’s honeymoon, and Vicki gets all fidgety.  Tamra says she thinks that with all of the things going on in Briana’s life with her parents and her health, she may be reaching for something that just isn’t right.  Who can blame her?  Also, it makes total sense that Ryan would want to get married after being deployed.  Isn’t that pretty common for military guys?  Wanting to form strong connections at home?  Anyway, all Vicki cares about is that Briana’s eloping is making her look tired and sloppy.  Also that it robs her of the chance to be the overbearing mother of the bride.  Tamra points out that this is Briana’s decision and she’s the one who has to live with it.  How is Tamra the voice of reason here?

Over at Gretchen’s, Slade is doing the world a disservice by donning spandex biking shorts.  Gretchen is taking a curling iron to her extensions and brilliantly deduces that Slade is going for a bike ride.  She’s on her way to lunch with Tamra and wishes that Slade and Tamra would just become besties already.

Slade’s biking buddy for the afternoon is Scott, Gretchen’s dad.  I can’t believe her parents even speak to Slade.  Slade tells Scott he wants his permission to propose to Gretchen.  This again?  Doesn’t this come up a lot?  It’s like Slade gets worried that he’ll get the axe when casting for next season comes around, so he makes sure to pretend to have honorable intentions every now and then.  Then never does anything about it except charge Gretchen for his time.  Scott reminds Slade that he’s broke, a deadbeat dad, and America’s most hated man and that there’s no way his daughter is going to legally take all that on.

"I mean, no offense, Slade.  But you're a total loser."

He advises Slade to get his crap in order so that maybe somewhere down the line he’ll have a chance at making a serious candidate for a husband.  I’m sure none of this will register with Slade.

At lunch with Tams and Gretch, serious cocktails are ordered and Tamra confides in Gretchen about wanting to open a fitness studio.  She stresses that it’s not a gym - it will just be a place to attend group classes.  A STUDIO.  Gretchen says that’s cool, then Tamra tells us she’s glad Gretchen is supportive about her gym.  HA!

"So if it's not a gym, but it's a gym, can I get a gym membership to your gym?"

Tamra asks about Slade, and Gretchen spills her guts about all of Slade’s debt and how she loves him to death, but she doesn’t want to marry him and assume responsibility for all of the financial messes he’s made.  Basically, she’s not interested in getting married.  It’s enough to just let him leech off of her without making herself legally obligated.

And back to Vicki, who of course can’t apply her own makeup, so she’s telling her makeup artist that she and Tamra have launched a Wine of the Month club and they’re having a party to launch it tonight.  Wow, how original of them.  It’s not even like they’re making their own wine, like Ramona.  Just giving people the chance to send them money to pick out a bottle of wine for them to drink each month.  And since Vicki’s still mad that she didn’t get to wear a gown to her daughter’s wedding, she’s made the launch party a formal event.  AKA, Briana’s not-reception.  In fact one of Vicki’s major plans for the evening is to announce the wedding to her friends and accept their good wishes (you know, like a receiving line).  The other thing she’s squeezing in is introducing Brooks to both of her children, who frankly aren’t interested in meeting him.

Briana and Ryan are at their place getting ready for their not-reception.

"Honey, you look beautiful in your not-wedding dress."

Briana tells us how weird she thinks her mother’s relationship with Brooks is.  She says that Vicki had barely filed for divorce when she announced to Briana that she was in love.  And no one knows anything about him.  No one knows what he does for work, he’s never with his kids who live in Mississippi - he’s always here with Vicki, he drives Vicki’s car around, and she’s bought him a whole new wardrobe.  Briana sums it up - he seems like an opportunist.  But Briana, he sends your mother daily affirmations - doesn’t that count for anything?  I mean, he has to have a legitimate job and life as well?

"So then Tamra and I got our boobs measured, but I was on my period and I think that makes them bigger, don't you?  I mean, double F?  I'm not even a D.  Anyway, my ungrateful brat of a daughter..."

Vicki’s still yammering to the makeup girl about how rock solid her relationship with Briana has always been and we’re treated to flashbacks of them fighting over the years.  Well, more like Vicki annoying the crap out of Briana and Briana heroically clinging to sanity.  And Vicki goes on and on about how she hasn’t been able to sleep, she can’t eat, she can’t concentrate, she can’t do ANYTHING.  Interestingly, we hear nothing about her concern for what all of this could mean for Briana.  Only her concern about how it’s put a damper on Vicki’s week.  And with her big launch party!  How could Briana be so inconsiderate?

Let’s go to the launch party!  Tamra is first to arrive and she’s wearing a red dress that looks very similar to the one Briana was getting into.  As her date Tamra has brought her bearded son, Ryan.  He’s a sketchball.  With his sketchy job and his empty big boy apartment.  Gretchen and Slade arrive - not engaged.

I'm sure France would be pleased to know that their flag is being denigrated in this manner.

And soon Heather and Terry follow.  Tamra’s glad to see Terry because she wants a free consultation on getting her “Simon” tattoo cut out of her ring finger.  She’s got another marriage to get on with.  Oh that’s right!  Terry is a plastic surgeon!  I had forgotten.  Vicki’s son Mike shows up to his sister’s formal not-wedding in jeans and a button-down.  That’s funny.  Brooks immediately pulls Mike out onto the balcony to bond.  He tells Mike they have a lot in common, that Brooks really appreciates the support Mike has been to Vicki over the last few years, and how about that sneaky Briana running off to get married!?  Mike goes, “I don’t really want to be doing this right now,” and walks back inside.

"So I'm the guy who's been banging your mom!  Gosh it's great to meet you!"

Brooks is SUCH a tool.  Thanks for being a support to your mother these last few years?  These last few years before I even knew her?  He’s an intruder. Does he really think the kids are going to respect him?  Mike tells us he’s not looking for any kind of role model in his mom’s boyfriend.  Well good, because you won’t find one. 

Jim and Alexis roll in halfway through the party.  Alexis tells us this is “fashionably on time.”  Tamra explains that it takes drag queens a long time to have their makeup applied.  True. 

In tonight’s mini scene, Heather calls Terry over to listen to Brooks tell Vicki that his goal is to make her feel like she’s going to the prom every day.  The prom!  That’s what every 50-something woman wants to hear.  Terry listens, then says he’s going to take Heather home and slap her around a bit so she won’t expect so much.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Briana and Ryan are the last to arrive, and before they get all the way in, Vicki gathers the whole party around for an announcement.  She thanks everyone for coming, then says those who know her know that the most important thing in her life is her children.  She wouldn’t care if there was nothing in her checking account as long as her children are happy and healthy.  Everyone starts rolling their eyes, but then Vicki says all ominously that not everyone knows what’s been going on in her life lately.  And that the other night, Briana took Vicki out for dinner and told her something that changed her life and changed Briana’s life forever.  Here’s where the tears start to flow.  Good grief, could she make this any more about HERSELF?  She’s obviously making people worry that Briana has cancer after all. 

Tamra:  "Thank goodness I wore my best bereavement dress."

Gretchen looks like she’s about to throw up with concern. Back to the speech:  Vicki wants everyone to hear this first hand.  Her daughter went to Las Vegas last week and (saw a world class oncologist?)... she... (had surgery that attempted unsuccessfully to remove her final malignant tumor?)... got married!  Everyone stands there blinking because they’re trying to shift from preparing for death to congratulating Briana.

"Goody! I have the perfect Alexis Couture for Briana's funeral.  Wait, what?"

Briana and Ryan walk out and sure enough, Briana and Tamra are wearing the exact same dress.  I find that hilarious for some reason.  Their age difference?  The fact that the producers said nothing?  It’s Briana’s big announcement and someone skinnier is wearing an identical dress?  I don’t know, it’s just humorous.

"No talking, Briana.  This has been really difficult for me.  And it's MY night."

Anyway, Vicki publicly welcomes Ryan to the family and everyone relaxes and begins to offer their congratulations.  Heather is shocked and thinks this could be a mistake.  Alexis says if one of their girls did this Jim would lose it.  Terry says that if one of HIS girls did this, he’d be happy he didn’t have to pay for a wedding.  HA! Male perspective. 

Before Briana can hog all the attention, Vicki calls the party back to order.  She has a surprise for Briana now.  Briana says softly, but in front of everyone, “Please don’t tell me you’re engaged.”  Oh, Brooks, look how much Vicki’s kids love you.  Thankfully no, Vicki’s not engaged.  It’s funny, though, that Briana went right to that.  She knows her mom can’t let the spotlight off of herself for more than a few seconds and would happily turn Briana’s not-wedding reception into her own engagement party.  But the surprise is just Vicki’s brother Billy, here to join the party.  He’s very jolly and shakes Ryan’s hand.  Vicki gives a toast that is just so HER.  “Everybody raise a glass to Ryan and Briana... and MY crazy ass life!  Who does this?  Cheers!”

"Those of you who are not mothers will never understand how hard this has been for me."

She couldn’t have stopped halfway through that, could she?  Nope.  It has to come back around to her.  Mike weighs in and tells the camera that he found out about the marriage on Facebook and it’s disappointing.  Aw, that’s kind of sad.  But Briana has gotten a huge ring in the meantime.  Heather tells her it’s very elegant.  Tamra yells to the room, “Are you pregnant?”  OMG, shut up, people! 

Next Tamra and Vicki stand up and tell about their latest business racket - this wine club.  I, for one, am sure it will go far.  Meanwhile Heather tells us she’s getting the feeling that these women don’t go to many formal events and they’re out of their element.  Unlike her, of course, who attends MANY formal plastic surgery functions, necessitating a private “clothe-ee-ay,” as we well know.

Brooks has had a few too many and corners Vicki and Tamra to tell them what an excellent job they’ve both done raising their sons.  He tells Tamra that her Ryan is “the”  Keep in mind, these are people he’s met in the last 10 minutes.  Also keep in mind that he said, “”  Vicki is enamored.  Tamra is disgusted. I’m with Tamra.

Vicki goes up to Briana and Ryan and tells them that she’d like them to meet Brooks now.  After all, she’s accepted Ryan into the family so now Briana owes it to her to accept Brooks.  How can she possibly think it’s the same thing?  This is the THIRD love-interest she’s dragged into Briana’s life and she’s still married to Briana’s stepdad who raised her.  Briana is very irritated and does not want to meet Brooks at all.  She even correctly points out how critical Vicki would be if one of the other housewives were dating Brooks.  But they all go into a room and Vicki makes the introductions.  Vicki goes on about how everyone is in transition and Briana just keeps looking at her husband.  Brooks butts in and says he’s glad Briana’s happy and he’s been praying for her health.  Also he thinks it’s interesting that two midwestern women came to California and met two southern men.  Vicki jumps in to point out that Brooks is from the poorest state in America and she’s from the richest county in California.  What?  Is everyone wasted?  Vicki says everyone gravitates toward people they love.  Briana gravitated toward Ryan and Vicki gravitated toward Brooks.  Briana goes, “It’s totally different.”  Ryan looks back and forth and just says, “To each his own.”  Vicki can’t stand the nerve and attitude of these two young reckless hooligans.  She tells us she just hopes Briana knows that she’s hurting her deeply, she would never do that to Briana (too late!), and she didn’t raise her to be that rude (I beg to differ if we’re teaching by example here). 

Next week!  Gretchen still doesn’t want to marry Slade, Slade wants to buy a fake diamond ring, and Alexis has a birthday party for small children where she gives a very detailed medical account of her daughters’ birth.  Also, Vicki and Briana get into it and Briana tells Vicki that regarding her relationship with Donn, Briana knows a lot more than Vicki thinks.  What could that mean!?

So tell me what you think about the whole not-reception!  And remember - there is no “us” without “u.”  LOVE!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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