Thursday, June 21, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: My Fondant Dreams Shattered

Last week on RHOC, an entire network pooled its resources to get Tamra Barney engaged for the third time.  To a gay man.  In Bora Bora.

And look! Tamra’s back in Orange County and on the loose ready to wave her ring in everyone’s face.  She meets up with Heather in a restaurant where Heather tells us that she already knows about the ring cause Tamra called her from Bora Bora.  This is old news, let’s talk about her party.  Oh wait, Gretchen’s arriving and she doesn’t know about the ring yet.  Heather’s worried that Gretchen might be super jealous that Eddie isn’t in the hole and can buy an engagement ring.  But not as jealous as EVERYONE is of Gretchen’s royal blue dangly feather earrings.

"No!  You can't borrow them!"

Instead of just telling about the trip, Tamra has brought along a photo album and embarks on a play-by-play.  She has to wake Gretchen up when she gets to the page with the fedoras and clams.

"Wow, so Eddie found your ring in the ocean?  That's lucky."

Gretchen screams, then asks why Vicki isn’t here.  Apparently Vicki is ignoring Tamra, so Heather’s in charge of the bridal shower and Gretchen’s in charge of the bachelorette party.  Yes, I’m sure Tamra’s in desperate need of new flatware and a crock pot.  Gretchen tells us she thinks it’s weird that Tamra barely signed her divorce papers and is already engaged again.  Well what’s she supposed to do, Gretchen?  Work?  She’s never been a girl who deserves nice things, so this is her time.

Alexis is meeting Drunk Sarah for cocktails because she needs someone to tell her that she’s not really phony like the other girls say.  Sarah doesn’t get a chance to say much because Alexis goes on and on about how she called everyone in her Rolodex and asked point blank if she’s phony.  Everyone said no.  So that’s settled.  Also Gretchen didn’t even have her back in Costa Rica, Vicki did!

"Um, no... you don't seem drunk at all.  And I'm not phony so you can trust me."

Sarah’s just like, “Are you going to drink that?”  Alexis tells Sarah about Heather’s upcoming party and worries that it will be weird seeing everyone for the first time since the failed intervention, so Sarah better come with her. 

There’s a florist at Billionaire’s Row and all kinds of rented furniture in the backyard.  Who’s getting married?  Oh that’s right, Heather’s getting married to herself.  Actually, she’s throwing herself a reception-type party because she finally decided to take her husband’s last name.  She tells us that all of the ladies will get a glass of champagne with a diamond in it and one of the diamonds will be real.  What?  Someone’s begging to get robbed!  I hope Alexis doesn’t get it cause she’ll just trade it for a fake one since that’s safer.  During her walkthrough of the setup, Heather comes to the cake and is very disappointed.  It’s not nearly as magnificent as she expected and there’s no sparkly platter like the lady said there would be.  It’s black and white checkered with HD in hot pink and a huge hot pink fondant bow on the top.  How Super Sweet 16.  Heather wanted and deserves something much grander.  Especially for $550.

"I'm having Bat Mitzvah flashbacks."

Vicki must be penny pinching after Humpty’s new veneers, so she’s doing her own makeup for Heather’s party.  She tells us that it’s way too soon for Tamra and Eddie to be engaged.  Nobody gets engaged before Vicki.  Nobody!  And here’s Humpty himself, pulling up in a limo.  He rings the doorbell and presents Vicki with a fur coat.  Vicki practically tears it off of the hanger with her teeth.  There’s a Christmas wreath on Vicki’s door, so I guess it’s winter.

Vicki:  "You bought this for me?"
Brooks:  "Well... I wrote a check...  So yes."

She tells us that the haters can eat their words because Brooks can afford a fur, so there!  On the car ride to the party Vicki worries about seeing Briana for the first time since their blowout (during which Vicki was wearing fake fur), so tonight she’s really going to stick it to Briana in this brand new real fur coat!

Tamra and Eddie are in another car on their way to Heather’s party and Tamra is fuming about Vicki’s comments that she and Eddie are moving too fast.  This from the woman who has a joint checking account with a man she barely knows?  Vicki and Brooks have a joint checking account?  I think I just figured out how Brooks can afford a fur coat.  Eddie’s like, “Um... we’re not moving too fast... I made you wait till the third day of our trip for the ring...” while Tamra’s voice gets higher and higher pitched. 

Alexis and Sarah are also en route and Alexis warns that if anyone approaches her about Costa Rica it better be to apologize.  She has an entire Rolodex of people willing to vouch for her non-phoniness.  Sarah offers to confront everyone for Alexis, but Alexis declines.  She’s too legit for that.

Heather has hired someone to straighten her hair and Terry watches, then asks if Alexis is going to confront him tonight about calling her phony behind her back.  Heather assures him that such behavior would be utterly inappropriate on a night such as this, celebrating Heather.  And if Alexis dares any such thing, she will be immediately removed from the premises without any diamond - real or fake.

"Then we'll have to stage an Etiquette Intervention."

Tamra arrives first and informs us that she magnanimously left her ring at home because had she worn it she would surely be mobbed and made to repeatedly tell the proposal story and she didn’t want to detract any attention away from Heather’s new last name.  She describes Heather’s house as looking like a hotel, which it totally does.  It totally feels like you need to approach a desk and give someone money.  Certainly not like you should get comfortable and spend some time. 

Alexis and Drunk Sarah arrive next, both wearing furs. Too bad, Vicki.

"It's Anchor Alexis Bellino with breaking news, everyone.  I'm not phony."

Heather is appalled to see Sarah, who was most definitely not invited.  But she’s relieved that at least Jimmy the Chin isn’t there to make trouble.  When Vicki arrives she shakes hands with the caterer and curtsies. She’s dying to tell him that Brooks bought her the fur she’s wearing, but she gets too distracted by the grandeur of Heather’s house.  Humpty Dumpty hasn’t seen a building this pretty since he was in the Stardust in Vegas. He’s glad he has brand new teeth so he looks like he belongs here.  When Vicki reaches Tamra she refuses to congratulate her on getting engaged, but twirls and announces that Brooks bought her this fur TODAY.  Tamra’s like, “I didn’t ask.”

"Oh yeah?  Well Eddie bought me this di- Crap, I KNEW I should have worn it!"

Gretchen arrives in a dress that matches the floral arrangements.  She and Slade find Heather and Terry and Slade shoves a box at Heather and demands that she uses what’s in it RIGHT NOW.  It’s actually nice.  They’re champagne flutes with a fancy “D” etched in them for Dubrow.

"That's enough, Gretchen.  Your polyester feather is sticking to my lip gloss."

Gretchen turns around to greet Vicki, but she can’t say anything because Vicki drowns her out announcing that Brooks bought her this coat.  Today.  Did you hear that?  Brooks bought this coat today!  Gretchen tells us she thinks Vicki bought it for herself. 

Briana arrives with her husband and Vicki tackles her to tell her all about the coat Brooks bought her.  Today.  Briana goes, “Mm hmm.  My dress cost twenty dollars.”  Sassy brat.

Drunk Sarah is quickly inebriating and she and Alexis go in search of a bathroom.  This presents a huge problem since Heather has literally roped off sections of her house with velvet ropes and stanchions.  You need a VIP pass to get to those bathrooms.  Sarah just climbs over the rope and goes in anyway.  Seriously.  Velvet ropes?  Wouldn’t people invited to your home be your friends?  You really need to rope them off?  Wait, I guess Sarah just answered that question for me.  Alexis tells Sarah that her eyes look a little drunk and she’d better switch to water.  Aw, what would be the fun in that?

Look who’s arriving!  It’s Jeana Keough and her daughter Kara!  Apparently Gretchen and Slade invited them.  Tamra panics because the last time she saw Jeana she was throwing a glass of wine in her face in Vicki’s backyard for blabbing to the press about Tamra’s divorce.  Vicki runs right over to Jeana and Kara to tell them about her new coat.  Humpty comes over to meet Jeana and remarks that she and Kara must be sisters, which does not amuse Kara at all.  What DOES amuse Kara is a plastic poncho she brought to protect her dress from any airborne wine.  She puts it on and walks back and forth in front of Tamra.

"Watch.  When I pour this glass on myself, it will just bead up and run off.  Genius, right?"

Tamra sees this and comes to ask Kara to talk.  They sit down at Heather’s glass globe fountain and Kara asks about the wine attack and Tamra bawls and tries to defend what she did because her divorce was hard and Jeana was a meanie.  But she’s sorry anyway.  Jeana cautiously approaches and Tamra screams at her to stay away.  Just kidding, everyone kisses and makes up.  Then they all talk trash about each other to the camera. 

An anonymous guest of Heather’s comes to kiss Heathers butt cheek and says that the girl in the red dress who is dating a 60-year-old broke the hot pink bow off the top of Heather’s cake and ate it. She means Drunk Sarah.  Heather is aghast.  She assesses the cake and it’s true!

"Alright.  This is SERIOUSLY my Bat Mitzvah all over again."

She gathers Terry, Tamra and Vicki and tells them about the bow.  Vicki gives her usual, “Who does that?”  but Tamra goes and drags Sarah over to the group and asks if she ate the bow. Sarah says that yes she did, but only because she has this issue where she has to constantly have sugar or else she will die and since there is no food anywhere she had no choice but to gobble up the bow and now everyone should just get over it.  Heather’s like, “That’s pretty rude.  And there are white-gloved waiters carrying trays of food around everywhere.”  Terry is all hilarious trying to be nice about it, saying, “See, she changed her name to mine and that’s what the cake is all about.  It’s sorta not cool... a little bit...”  Bedside manner.  Did you know he’s a plastic surgeon?  Alexis steps in, orders Sarah to say she’s sorry, and tells everyone they’re overreacting.  Sarah keeps repeating, “I have a sugar problem...”  Vicki gets to the point.  “You have an ALCOHOL problem.  Stop drinking!”  Unfortunately she only says that to the camera.  Sarah offers to give Heather her effing credit card to buy another cake and Heather tells her she’d better watch her language.

"This is Billionaire's Row, not Skid Row."

Sarah keeps babbling and everyone decides to pursue the option of trying to reasonably explain bad behavior to a girl who’s obviously wasted and has proven in the past she can’t handle her liquor.  Alexis keeps trying to defend Sarah because Sarah doesn’t think she’s phony and obviously the girls are just ganging up on Sarah the way they ganged up on Alexis in Costa Rica.  They’re nothing but a bunch of ganger-uppers.  Sarah tells Heather she’s fake and pretentious and just then someone gives Heather an Oreo, which she hands to Sarah to treat her sugar problem.  She then asks her to go quiet down and Sarah tells her again to get over it and that she’ll buy Heather a new cake.  She yells at everyone that it’s not cool to gang up on her and then she’s led away by unseen escorts.  Aw, you can always depend on the kindness of strangers.  Alexis turns to Heather, calls her “honey” and tells her it’s mean to attack a girl with a sugar problem. Heather’s not having it.  She gave Sarah an Oreo, didn’t she?

"That cake symbolizes ME!  SHE ATE MY SOUL!!!"

And guess what.  We’re out!  To be continued! 

Next week!  Heather throws Sarah out of the party, Vicki confronts Briana’s new husband,and Tamra finally voices her true opinion about Humpty Dumpty, provoking Vicki’s scary scream.  We’ve always got to leave the season-end party with a bang.

So seriously.  The catalyst for our end-of-the-season drama was a fondant bow?  Eaten by SARAH?  What the flip?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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