Thursday, June 28, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Beware the Evil Eye

Last week on the RHOC Season 7 Finale Part 1, Vicki offended PETA with her new coat, and Drunk Sarah offended Heather with her hypoglycemia. 

Tonight we’re back dealing with the broken fondant bow, but Vicki has moved on to pulling Terry aside to admire her coat and she also asks him if he noticed Brooks’s new teeth.  And she wonders why people think their relationship is weird!  In other exciting news, Tamra announces that she’s eating tonight and shoves an hors’ d'oeuvre in her mouth.  This brazen throwing off of her regular rules encourages Gretchen to pull Tamra inside to give her a present.  Remember how on the first episode this season Tamra gave Gretchen a pink bracelet with a key on it so that they could lock away their past and unlock their future?  Well, Gretchen reciprocates with a black bracelet that has a lock on it - you know, that Tamra’s key will unlock?

"I got you this because I know you always wish you were wearing what I'm wearing."

It also has a little purse charm and a heart that says “unbreakable” on it.  Gretchen claims that this is because Tamra’s such a strong woman, but the truth is that “unbreakable” is the name of the single Gretchen just released.  Very slick, Gretchen.  Very slick.  I bet that was Slade’s idea.  Tamra’s clueless to the fact that this is Gretchen’s blatant self-promotion and she does her tearless cry.  (I never noticed Tamra’s lack of tears until you guys pointed it out to me.  Hilarious!  Especially because she seems so concerned about smearing her inch-thick makeup.)  Gretchen says “unbreakable” 20 more times and Tamra tells us how much she cherishes Gretchen and her friendship.

"You wanna know what's unbreakable, Gretch?  This face.  Pure prosthetic."

Elsewhere Sarah is ignoring the velvet ropes again and she approaches Heather in the kitchen to whine to her some more about overreacting about the bow.  You know, as much as Heather has bugged me about lots of things, she’s good at getting to the point and stating it clearly.  She tells Sarah this isn’t about the bow and her BS apology, it’s about her rude and disrespectful (and uninvited) behavior, and her refusal to just let it go.  And now it’s time for her to leave.

"Your walk-on role just got cut.  Those are ACTRESS terms I'm using."

She rallies the troops again and tells them that someone needs to get Sarah out of her house.  I think it’s funny that Heather knows Sarah won’t go on her own.

"That's dis...crim...ation against people with sssugar problems.  You're dis...abling the dis...abled.  Me!"

Sarah is still just repeating “because of the cake?” and Alexis walks in and repeatedly demands “What’s going on?  What happened?”  Then when anyone tries to explain she just sticks her hand in their face and yells it again.  Give it a rest, Alexis.  Since when did you become the Great Peacemaker?  Gretchen pleads with Sarah to leave and she and Slade walk her out the front door while Sarah complains about all these fake pretentious people.  She starts to cry, “Is this the world we live in?  Over a piece of cake?”  Wow.  Sarah, maybe next time try to grandstand about the sad state of human affairs when you’re not too drunk to walk

Vicki is warm with wine and high fives Briana’s husband Ryan about coming into the family.  Then she kisses his cheek and says she loves him.  This can’t bode well.  Sure enough, Vicki takes Ryan aside and tells him she’s super sorry about bad-mouthing him to his new bride, but it was her only defense when Briana said she didn’t like Brooks.

"I only called you a lying two-faced little bastard because Briana asked why Brooks doesn't have his own car."

And now that Vicki is welcoming Ryan into the family, he needs to see to it that Briana welcomes Brooks into the family.  Ryan is like, “Um, I don’t think so.”  He tells Vicki that her fight with Briana is about Brooks and not him.  But Briana should be able to ask questions about Brooks since he just swooped in on her mother.  Vicki’s response?  Well, you just swooped in on my daughter!  Ryan says yes, and he’s happy to answer any questions about himself.  Vicki has none.  Ryan says Briana just wants to be sure Brooks is in this for the right reasons.  Vicki says she just wants to be sure Ryan is in this for the right reasons.  Ryan shows her his wedding ring and says he’s here for good.  Vicki’s got nothing since neither she nor Brooks has a ring, so she resorts to begging Ryan for help with Briana. He finally says he’ll try to help with getting Briana to talk to Vicki.  Vicki hugs him and says she sincerely loves him for loving her daughter... even though she hardly knows him and it’s FLIPPIN WEIRD!  She never stops talking when she should, does she?  She always has to get in that one final dig.  Insurance! 

Brooks asks Alexis where Jimmy the Chin is and she says he’s not coming because he hates everyone and wouldn’t enjoy himself.  Just then, who should be sneaking through the front door of the Dubrow Palace on Billionaire’s Row?  It’s Jimmy the Chin!  Dressed like a total freak!  He’s in what looks like a suit vest with some crazy red print on it and he comes up behind Alexis and asks if he can get her a drink.  When she realizes who’s talking, she shrieks like she just won a beauty pageant.  Relax, Alexis, it’s your freaking husband.  You know?  You just left him 20 minutes ago?  She screeches at Heather that Heather knew the whole time Jim was coming.  Right!  As if Heather had taken time out from planning her Grand Heather Celebration to concoct a scheme surprising Alexis with her own husband.  Oh Alexis.  Heather tells Jim she’s glad he could make it and Alexis keeps jumping up and down squealing how happy she is.

"Yes, Alexis, this whole thing about me changing my name was just a cover so that I could surprise you with your own husband!  Surprise!"

Terry spots Jim across the yard and starts talking trash, saying “Jim Bellino grew a pair and showed up!” But when Jim approaches he hugs him and tells him he’s glad he came. 

Vicki is standing around with Kara and Briana fuming about Tamra and Gretchen being friends.  They’re a few feet away and Tamra is kissing Gretchen on the mouth to freshen her lipstick.  Vicki screams, “Tamra, really?!”  She comes up with a plan to go smear some brownish lipstick on Tamra’s nose - because she’s a brown noser, get it?  She orders Tamra to close her eyes, but Tamra knows exactly what Vicki is up to and refuses.  Too bad for your awesome plan, Vicki.

Terry is still loving on Jim Bellino and he asks if they’re good, to which Jim responds that they’ll talk next week.  Alexis chimes in and says it will be awkward unless they talk right now.  Jim stares her down and says, “Really?  Are you wearing the pants?”  Wow.  That’s not disrespectful at all.  There was a nice way to say TO HIS WIFE that he’d rather talk later.  But he goes to a table with Terry after all and wants to know why Terry said that Alexis is the phoniest person he’s ever met.

"Hang on.  Is that a breast implant in your chin?"

You know, this whole phony comment has gotten so overused and blown out of proportion.  I know this because we’ve seen 987 flashbacks of it.  What happened is that Terry and Heather were at dinner with Gretchen and Slade and Heather said exactly this:  “I’m trying to figure out Alexis and my thing with her is that she’s very...” and while she pauses to find the right word, Terry goes, “Phony.”  And Heather goes, “That’s not what I was going to say!”  And now it has turned into the insult of the century, as though Terry went out of his way to point out to numerous people on numerous occasions that Alexis is the phoniest person he’s ever met.  Tamra’s to blame because that is how she framed it to Alexis and she wasn’t even there when he said it!  I think Heather was right when she said that Terry was just parroting what he’d heard other people say about Alexis because it’s really not like he’d spent any time with her.   It’s SO STUPID.  At any rate, he’s trying to explain to Jim that Alexis comes off as inauthentic and Jim goes, “You’re talking about my wife?”  Yes, Jim.  You know the one who doesn’t wear the pants?  Heather approaches and tries to get in on the conversation, saying that she and Alexis had a nice heart-to-heart in Costa Rica.  Remember the intervention?  Just then Tamra (inappropriately) pulls up a chair and Jim snaps, “I’m not doing this!” and storms out of the party.  He doesn’t even talk to Alexis, wave to her, call to her, let her know he’s leaving - nothing.  Just storms out and gets in his car.  Alexis panics and runs after him.  Jim is ripping off his microphone, complaining that it’s an ambush, and as he pulls away, Alexis screams, “Babe!  Babe!” and he surprisingly stops long enough to let her in the car.  And you all know you’re jealous of their happy marriage.

Back on the extensive Dubrow grounds, the remaining members of the Housewives cast and their significant others pull up chairs at Heather and Terry’s table to hear what just happened.  They all drunkenly toast to something - being friends or being drunk or something and Vicki screeches, “Where’s Alexis?” and pantomimes clinking glasses with her.  Just now, something inexplicably horrific happens that we don’t see.  We see something, which is Tamra looking annoyed, but it has to be more than that because Brooks is ready to lose his crap.  He asks Tamra if she wants to go there and she says absolutely.

"My eyes look like this because I no longer have tear ducts.  Okay?"

Brooks goes, “Why did you give her the evil eye?”  What now?  THE EVIL EYE?  Are you kidding me?  Are we in sixth grade?  Vicki says they can talk about it later, but Gretchen says that something has been brewing between Tamra and Vicki lately, which Vicki vehemently denies.  Brooks is talking in Vicki’s ear, saying that he always has her back and Tams was totally giving her the evil eye.  Because a friend in need is a friend indeed.  I am the man who will fight for your honor.  I’ll be the hero you’ve been dreaming of.  Now Tamra is losing it and yelling at Brooks for saying “evil eye,” when Vicki tells Eddie to get control of Tamra.  Eddie just blinks and Tamra stands up and leans across the table with her finger in Brooks’s face.  She tells Vicki to stop letting Brooks tell her what to think.  Uh oh.  Here comes the ugly scream.  “HE DOESN’T TELL ME WHAT TO THINK!  EVER!!!”  Brooks keeps mumbling, “evil eye, evil eye.”  Vicki gets up and says they’re leaving.
"And Terry Dubrow says you're the creepiest person he's ever met!  And he's a plastic surgeon so it must be true!"

Tamra follows them inside asking why they’re leaving and Vicki is barking at Tamra about how disgusting she is and that she’s not here for drama!  And Tamra is not to talk to her OR Brooks like that.  EVER!  They’re leaving!  There are problems!  It’s Tamra’s fault!  They storm out.  Tamra runs to Briana and tells her that Brooks is controlling Vicki by telling her that Tamra gave her the evil eye.  Briana agrees that Brooks is worrisome because Vicki won’t listen to anyone’s concerns about him and is shutting out anyone who isn’t a Brooks fan.  Furthermore, he’s super creepy and has left his four children in Mississippi to drive Vicki’s car around Orange County.  And the tearless crying is back.

"Whoa, what's that you're doing with your face?" 

Ryan (Briana’s husband) comes out front to see what Brooks and Vicki are doing and Vicki orders him to go and get Briana away from Tamra because Briana is obviously a helpless moron whom Tamra can easily brainwash in a mere five minutes.  Just then Heather comes out and Brooks gets all authoritative, saying, “Don’t do this, Heather.  Sincerely, don’t do this.”  Oh calm down, Humpty Dumpty.  Heather’s not giving anyone the evil eye.  Heather doesn’t pay any attention to Brooks, an example everyone should follow, and she explains to Vicki that she’d like her to come back in for the highlight of the evening - the diamond champagne toast to Heather.

"You simply can not miss the champs tribute I'm going to make to myself."
Brooks butts in that he’s not letting Vicki back into a crazy party where someone might give her the evil eye again, but Vicki says she doesn’t want to ruin Heather’s toast.  Of course the truth is that she can’t have drama going on without her, so she’ll stay.  Briana comes out and wants to know Vicki’s side.  Vicki’s rambling at high speed about the evil eye and Briana asks if she’s sure Brooks isn’t stirring things up.  Vicki reiterates that Brooks isn’t going anywhere, so Briana can shove it.  Briana says that she’s trying to help things between Vicki and one of her best friends, but if Vicki insists on alienating herself with her boyfriend that no one likes, then that’s her problem.  She and Ryan walk back into the house with Briana saying she’s done talking to Vicki. 

And back in the party, the cake is being brought out and I have to say that the bow looks completely intact.  Not patched up, but completely intact.  So what’s the deal with that?  With all of the theatrics over the bow I thought it would be broken completely in half.  Heather gathers everyone around and gives a speech.  She says to make new friends but keep the old - one is silver and the other gold.  And looking around at the group she says she sees a lot of precious metal.  Brooks is kicking himself in the crotch for not coming up with that one while Heather says she loves them all and everyone raises their glasses to the new and improved Heather Dubrow.

"To me!  The most precious metal of all!"

Just then, Vicki steps to the front of the crowd to make her own speech, as if anyone cares what she has to say at this, Heather’s name-change celebration.  She announces that she’s sorry for walking out of the party, but Brooks is her man and she loves him, so everyone had better decide if they are in or out.  Cheers.  I doubt anyone really noticed that Vicki ever left and most of Heather’s guests probably have no idea who Vicki and Brooks are.

Heather reclaims the spotlight and announces that each lady is getting a glass of champagne with a diamond in it and that one of the diamonds is real.  How will they find out you ask?  Oh don’t worry, Heather’s jeweler had nothing going on tonight and she’s on hand to weigh each diamond and see which one is real.  Well guess who gets it.  Tamra!  She who just received a hefty diamond from Bravo.  Ironic.  I saw on WWHL that she’s giving it away.  So much for Heather’s grand party favors. 

Ah!  Here are the wrap-ups and updates for our cast.
Heather:  She’s still planning to open a restaurant and is getting used to being called Mrs. Dubrow.  What a gripping life.

Tamra (we leave her demanding more alcohol):  She and Eddie are getting married in the fall and as of now Vicki isn’t invited.  No word on her fitness studio.

Briana:  She and Ryan exchanged vows in front of their families and friends to shut Vicki up and now Briana is six months preggers.

Gretchen:  Slade is having his vasectomy reversed and Gretchen wants a baby, but not a ring.  I hope she realizes Slade won’t be good for child support.

Vicki:  She and Brooks broke up.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!  Oh wait, they got back together and he’s still driving her car.  Brilliant. 

Alexis:  She’s “no longer with” Fox 5.  Shocking!  But she and Jim are opening the Jump for Jesus Trampoline Center.  Just kidding on the name, that’s from Fletch Lives.  But it would be perfect, no?

So!  My head is spinning from watching middle aged women painted in black eye makeup screaming at each other over not liking the others’ boyfriends, giving each other the evil eye, and calling each other phony.  It’s just too hilarious.  Can’t wait to see how they “resolve” things in the upcoming multi-part reunion!

I’d love your final thoughts!  Your comments keep me going through the week, pointing out things I’ve missed, or presenting things to me in a new light.  Not to mention cracking me up while I shake my head about the lives of these imbeciles!  There’s just no “us” without “u!”

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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