Thursday, July 12, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Ridiculously Resourceful Reunion, Part 1

Hello beloved readers!  This week brought us part one of our much-anticipated two part Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7 Reunion!

They seem happy now, but just wait...

The first hour didn’t bring us much new information to dissect, besides the fact that Alexis is mean to people in any kind of service job and some Nordstrom employees started a Facebook page about it.  Most of the time was spent rehashing previous accusations and watching montages.  Next week looks to be pretty amazing with Brooks emerging, veneers blazing, to confront Tamra and her evil eye, and Briana telling Vicki - again - that Brooks is bad news.

Our five housewives have graciously broken down hour one of the reunion into digestible tidbits of advice for appearing on a reunion special.  Thanks, "ladies!"  Let’s see what we can learn!

Tamra's Tips

*When it’s your first reunion as brand new BFFs, trade hairpieces and wear the same color so that people can’t tell you apart and it really sinks in that you are one soul.

*If you realize that you’re looking older and older, despite modern surgery’s best efforts, put white eyeliner along your lower inner eyelids.  Poof!  You’re 24 again.

*If you’re mean to everyone all the time, pick one person at random to suddenly be nice to.  This will prove that you are a loving person.  Especially if you buy her a pink bracelet with a key charm.

*Inform everyone that you took your kids to therapy after getting engaged for the third time.  Your love life can’t possibly hurt your kids if there is a psychologist watching them draw pictures of themselves burning your boyfriend’s house down.

*Two words:  Big Hair.

Alexis's Advice

*When your brain can’t wrap itself around simple English pronunciations, claim that you, being from Missouri, have an accent like British people which is why you sound like a complete imbecile.

*When you are shown footage of your husband acting like a controlling jerk and ordering you around, point out that you, unlike SOME people, are still married.  Don’t worry that the reason you’re still married is because you don’t have permission to leave.

*After viewing a montage of yourself making ludicrous embellishments, claim that you were gangbanged by everyone calling you phony.  This makes you a total martyr.

*When many, many people from many areas of your life have reported being treated badly by you, and some have even launched a Facebook page about it, just shake your head.  If you refuse to acknowledge it, it will go away.  You could also go door to door asking people if they called you a bitch. When no one fesses up, you’re off the hook!

*To nail home the point that you are not an obnoxious, materialistic person, mention that you have hired a private jet to fly people to your creepy husband’s birthday party. All doubt will vanish.

Vicki's Viewpoint

*When you’re caught participating in activities and relationships that you’ve blasted other people for, don’t panic.  Just set very incident-specific parameters for which the word “hypocrite” can be applied so that it won’t be applied to you.

*If your super sketchy boyfriend has recently been featured in a Dateline segment about irresponsible fathers, just scream even louder that you’re happy for the first time ever and the only problem is that no one can stand your happiness.

*If you see your new faux friend being gangbanged by the other women, scream out that you were also gangbanged a couple of years ago so you totally get it.  Plus you had the most bad things happen to you this season, so try to bring the focus back around where it belongs.

*If you’ve spent years hating someone, but now need her to be your fake BFF, explain that you only hated her because someone else whispered in your ear that you should.  That same person now gives you the evil eye, so all bets are off.

*Wear white.  It will make your boyfriend ignore your horrible skin because he’s thinking of you as a bride.

Heather's Hints

*If a pretend news anchor calls you out on being a fake actress, keep calling it “maligning your career” so that the pretend news anchor can’t understand what you’re saying and therefore can’t respond.

*If you try to run offstage because a dive bombing sparrow scared the crap out of you, hurry and redeem yourself by making a twitter joke about giving new meaning to the word “tweet.”

*Speak clearly and concisely and make good points using legitimate examples.  It won’t get you anywhere with your castmates, but you’ll come off looking less insane.

*Save the day-glo colors for a muted print in a cute black dress.  This way you won’t look like a blinding block of tacky color.

*Always remind people that your husband is a doctor.  You’ll feel knowledgeable AND superior.

Gretchen's Guidelines

*When it’s your first reunion as brand new BFFs, trade hairpieces and wear the same color so that people can’t tell you apart and it really sinks in that you are one soul.  (Sound familiar?)

*Always stand by your man.  Especially if he is a lazy, mooching, deluded deadbeat dad.  It’s helpful when someone else gets a boyfriend just like him!

*Pronounce “ing” as “een.”  Like, “That was amazeen!”  It will remind everyone that you were in pageants and know how to talk without messing up your lipstick.

*If you get lip injections, but want to make sure you don’t have to answer questions about it on camera, only admit it at the reunion... which is on camera.  And stop thinking your extensions are fooling anyone.

And most importantly, from ALL of the Real Housewives of Orange County:

***Just remember that as long as there is noise coming out of your mouth, you are winning!

What brilliant instruction did you personally receive from the first half of the reunion?  Share it in the comments!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

1 comment:

BASE said...

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