Thursday, July 19, 2012

Real Housewives of OC: Blogging the Reunion (Part 2)

Well, beloved readers, we’ve reached the end of our time with the Orange County ladies this season.  Part 2 of the reunion got pretty juicy, with Vicki bringing out both Brooks and Briana to help her fight her battles - or hinder her, you be the judge.  It’s kind of difficult to recap an hour of arguing on a couch, but luckily I was able to hack into the ladies’ personal blogs and find out what they had to say about this, the final hour of Season 7.  Enjoy!


Hey everybody!  Thanks so much for watching me on this reunion.  I think that, as usual, I came off looking super logical and mostly right.  Don’t you love the swoop bangs I’m trying out?  Lex has a lot of nerve saying my hair is extensions because my hair is just naturally long and soft. I think I look a lot like Barbie here in this reunion.  My hair, my blue eyes, my makeup, my red dress, my high heels.  Girls always want to look just like Barbie and I totally do, so yay for me! 

I feel really bad for Lex because she just won’t admit that I stood up for her at the Bunco party.  She’s just mad that Tamra and I hang out more now.  Slade is mad about it too, but he stays busy working on his new stand-up routine so maybe hopefully he can start earning some money of his own. 

HA!  I totally won the argument about the Fox 5 job since I remembered to bring the emails that Slade printed out. It’s not that I’m trying to be rude about Alexis or anything, but I have an actual career that I’ve really worked on with talent coaches and everything, so it only makes sense that Fox would want me to be their anchor before Alexis.  She just doesn’t want to admit that she is sloppy seconds.  But I mean, I performed with the Pussycat Dolls, so I’m clearly the real talent between us. 

Oh, that part where Slade said he was going to propose to me totally makes me cry.  I just love him so much and he takes such good care of my dogs, but he just can’t seem to get out of debt.  I know everyone thinks that Slade makes money off of me by taking a percentage of my earnings as my manager, but he really doesn’t.  He just gets a straight salary, so everyone can just move on from the percentage thing, ok?  He’s not my manager, he’s my ASSISTANT. 

I don’t like it when Vicki compares Slade to Brooks.  Brooks is old and gross.  Slade makes me bedazzled t-shirts and goes biking with my dad, so he’s still very young and energetic.  And he’s NOT an opportunist.  He’s just a guy who needs an opportunity.  Vicki is such a hypocrite.  She’s a hypocrite!  And we find out on this reunion that she was having some kind of affair with Brooks years ago?  That’s pretty ironical since she always accused me of cheating on my late fiance, Jeff.  I hate it when Vicki personifies her own bad stuff onto me.  Thank goodness I have my best friend Tamra to clarify things and stick up for me when I’m so mad I can’t say words I’m thinking in my mind.

Well, it’s been tons of fun this season!  I got to see my boyfriend shop for my engagement ring and I had my Pussycat Dolls debut.  I even got to perform comedy at The Improv and do a naked photo shoot for cancer.  My career is just in such a great place right now, you guys.  And I’m so happy to be such dear friends with Tamra.  I think her hair looked really cute at the reunion and don’t tell anyone, but we planned our matching dresses.  ;-) Have a fun summer, everyone!


Hello everyone. It is truly an honor to be appearing on my first Real Housewives of Orange County reunion.  I had SUCH a blast getting to know all of these crazy ladies over the last few months and I’d love to come back and do another season.  My agent is waiting for the call.

Let’s talk about my dress, shall we?  That is a Dolce & Gabanna that my stylist picked out specifically for this very special occasion.  I always want to make certain that I dress elegantly but appropriately for any event.  As the wife of a very successful plastic surgeon and a working actress, I consider presentation to be everything.  You just never know who might be watching.  Anyway I had four separate fittings to make sure the dress was just perfect for the taping.  I think it turned out wonderfully, don’t you? 

Oh, I just adore that Andy asked about my house.  Terry and I put so much love into building that house - did you know it took six years to get everything just right?  Then we accidentally had a fourth baby and she doesn’t have a room to live in so we are rethinking everything about where we live.  But while we’re thinking we put a pool in the backyard grounds.

Did you see the look on Alexis’s face when I talked about fighting with her because I knew I could win?  She’s very perplexed because she just isn’t cerebral.  I have friends from all walks of life and let me tell you.  They don’t all live on Billionaire’s Row like I do, but they are all genuine, talented and intelligent.  Alexis is obviously none of those and that’s why we’ll never be real friends. 

Oh ha, ha, ha, the whole cake scandal.  It’s just such a terrible shame that the night I invited everyone over to my home on Billionaire’s Row Alexis felt like she needed to bring along a stray.  I mean, really.  What kind of lower class crazy person does something like that?  It was MY home, MY naming ceremony, MY cake, and Sarah DEFILED it.  Appalling.

Did you all like when I jumped in and pointed out that Brooks was rude to me at my party?  I didn’t want to have to get involved, but the truth is that Brooks involved me.  I was involved. 

I’m very proud of what I told Gretchen about Slade needing to buckle down and take care of his finances.  I phrased that all very eloquently with pointing out how he’s trying to find himself, but just doesn’t have that luxury right now.  I was so mortified that day in the jewelry store.  I’ve NEVER been in a situation where the man I was shopping with couldn’t afford to purchase anything from the establishment.  Poor Gretchen.  She’ll never get the bling she deserves from Slade.  He is unable to make a monetary commitment and that is just not acceptable.

It’s so very apropros that we ended the season with champs.  I LOVE mixing low class things like fighting and Alexis with high class things like champs.  Until next time, everyone.


Woohoo!  It’s my seventh reunion, but the first time in my life that I have been TRULY happy.  What is so sad is that none of the girls can just be happy for me.  All they want to do is make sure that I stay miserable so that they feel better about themselves.  Why can’t they just understand that Brooks does and says exactly everything I’ve ever wanted?  Is that so hard to get?  Maybe they are jealous that their husbands and boyfriends don’t send them four cards a day, but if that’s the case they need to address that with their men and leave mine alone. 

Poor Brooks had to sit there on the couch and listen to questions from people who are jealous.  They are nothing but jealous of my life, my success, my home and my wonderful boyfriend.  So they call him an opportunist, as if I’m too stupid to spot an opportunist when I see one.  I mean, you guys have to know that I am smart enough to have insurance on EVERYTHING.  I even insured Brooks’s new teeth just in case he loses one. 

Oh, here goes Tamra again, bringing up the whole Evil Eye fight.  There wouldn’t even be anything to fight about if she hadn’t given me the evil eye in the first place!  Brooks loves me and tried to protect me and I guess Tamra must be jealous because Eddie doesn’t defend her like that.  And why did Heather have to say that Brooks was rude to her?  We had just been brutally attacked and wanted to leave, that’s all!  Heather must be jealous because her husband doesn’t have a southern accent. 

Oh burn!  Brooks just burned Tamra when he told her that getting relationship advice from her is like getting financial advice from someone who is bankrupt!  He is so quick.  For the first time in my life I have my best friend beside me.  Why can’t everyone just be happy?  I guess they’d all be happy if I were dating a huge jerk instead of a guy who talks to me in poetry. 

Now here’s Briana, my ungrateful daughter whom I’ve devoted 25 years to and stood by her while she almost had cancer and she repays me how?  By eloping to Vegas and getting pregnant so that I have to be a grandma!  Me!  Who does that?  I let her and her disrespectful husband stay under my roof and she comes on TV and says terrible things about the love of my life?  And who names their baby Troy?  What kind of name is Troy?  This Troy baby better not call me grandma! 

I’m so glad they showed photos of the beautiful wedding that I PAID FOR for Briana.  Of course Brooks came to the wedding!  He is my best friend!  It’s so unfair for Briana to say that Brooks hasn’t tried to have a relationship with her because he has absolutely tried.  He came to her wedding that I threw and he invited her to come to Cabo when we were down there.  Speaking of Cabo, I can’t believe that Tamra told my Cabo secret at the reunion!  She promised she wouldn’t say anything about me sleeping with that bartender, but I guess now I know that my only true friend is Alexis.  And I don’t care what Briana says, my relationship with her is perfect.  Brooks hasn’t affected our relationship at all.  Not one bit.  We are PERFECT!!

Well everyone, it’s been a very crazy year for me.  So many things happened to me this year, like my daughter almost getting cancer, then eloping, then getting pregnant.  But I’ve finally found love and become happy for the first time in my life, which is why I was able to be the bigger person at this reunion and apologize for accusing people of things in the past and letting Gretchen call me a hypocrite if that makes her feel better.  I’m sure you’re all dying to know if there are wedding bells for ME in the future, but you’ll have to wait and see what happens in Season 8!  For now, all I can say is that my love tank is full.  Woohoo!


I think this reunion was just really sad because people who used to be friends are mean to each other now.  The Bible says you are supposed to be nice to everyone all the time and that’s why I am. I always stand up for Gretchen.  Even when people at Nordstrom tell me she isn’t nice to them I stand up for her.  I yell at them and tell them that Gretchen is wonderful and they’d better not say mean things or I’ll have them fired.  Gretchen doesn’t care because she’s friends with Tamra now and Tamra is teaching her how to be mean and hateful.  That’s wrong and not in the Bible.

I look so pretty in this reunion.  Jim is very proud of me in this.  My boobies look really good in my Alexis by Tal Sheyn dress. Funny story:  Tal Sheyn thought this dress should have two straps, but I hated how that looked, so I cut one of them off, and it looks way better, don’t you think?  I mean, it’s MY dress line.  I don’t care what some unanimous designer thinks.  Also, my new sinuses look really good on my face.

It’s so sad that Gretchen thinks she has to make herself feel better by saying that Fox 5 offered my news anchor job to her.  They called me first as my email proves.  By the way, I can’t believe that the production assistants put Gretchen’s emails in the couch but they hid mine.  If they were giving people their emails they should have given me mine before we started taping so I wouldn’t look disprepared.  I almost had to PHYSICALLY go and get my own emails.  What do the production assistants think they are there for?  I’m glad they were there, though, because I went around and asked every one of them if I am a bitch and they all said no, so there goes another one of Gretchen’s “facts.”  And thou shout not lie.  It’s in the Bible.

I hate where Tamra asks if I am still a news anchor at Fox 5 because I know she is trying to make it sound like I am too dumb to be a news anchor, but the truth is not that I am dumb, it is that Jim said I couldn’t do it anymore because I was failing as a wife and as the Bible says, being a wife is my duty first and frontmost.  So I would rather be married, which Tamra is not, than be a career news anchor anyway. 

I find it to be like a white elephant in the room when Heather goes on and on about her house after everyone spent the whole season calling ME pretentious.  I think that means I pretend to have money and all I can say is that Jim just paid for a trampoline park in cash, so what does that tell you?  I know Heather has a big house, but I’ve never seen her with cash, so who is pretentious now?  And I’m not sure what Heather meant about getting into a fight she can lose, but I think she called herself a moron.  And I’M not cerebral?

It’s also so sad that everyone is so mean to Vicki about Brooks.  They try to say he doesn’t have a real job, but he says he is an entrepreneur, which is also my husband Jim’s career, so I believe him.  Just because someone doesn’t have an office or a paycheck or clients doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a real career.  I feel bad for Brooks and Vicki so I invited them to Jim’s birthday party on the private jet.  That was being kind to the less fortunate, which is also in the Bible.  

Well, I think Season 7 was great, even though Gretchen turned on me.  She’ll be the one who goes to hell, not me, so I am at peace with it.  This summer I’m going to keep working on my dress line and teach the twins how to put on liquid eyeliner - well, I’m going to have my makeup girl teach them.  The Bible says I should be a good mom, so I’m going to buy them the very best things.  I couldn’t do that if I were only pretending to have money, could I?  Thanks everybody, for all the love.  I try to be a better person every day, and so should you!


What’s up, everyone?  This was one of the best reunions yet!  I’m really on a roll with my quick insults and dirty secrets, right?  I mean, it sucks to have to say some of this stuff, but we all signed up for this so everything’s fair game.  And lay off me about the hair, ok?  I don’t want to have to put a cyst and decease letter out against you, ha ha ha.

Oh my gosh, you guys, how STUPID is Alexis?  How many times do we have to explain to her that all we were saying is that we knew she was getting a nose job?  I mean, just own it!  I got my boobs AND my tattoo removed this season and I just straight up told everyone.  And her nose was hideous.  It was a GOOD thing that she got it fixed.

HA!  I just had to call Alexis out on not working for Fox anymore.  After she sat there bold faced lying about my cherished friend Gretchen I just couldn’t hold it in.  Come to think of it, I don’t really know why she’s not at Fox anymore, but I sure made her look like an idiot! 

You know, as Vicki’s oldest friend on the show, I feel that it is my duty not to let her date a total loser like Brooks.  I’m sure that she sees me with my hot fiance Eddie and wishes she could have such a happy relationship as well, but she is definitely missing the mark with Brooks.  I mean, Brooks is absolutely NOT the  And after all the trash Vicki talked about Simon, she can’t handle a couple of innocent questions about Brooks?  I never thought that I could hate a guy worse than I hate Slade, but wouldn’t you know it?  Brooks is worse!  He’s an even bigger opportunist than Slade and he just wants to be on TV.  And at this reunion he acted like a flustered chicken, which is why I told him to act like a man.  I just really love Vicki and I want her to be happy, so I really hope I’m wrong about Brooks, but I’m pretty sure I’m not.

Poor Gretchen.  She’s so tortured over wanting to marry Slade, but not being able to feel really good about it.  Gretchen is very important to me for now, so I’m not going to give her my blessing about Slade until he has it together like Eddie does.

You guys, I really think Briana is a bitch for not inviting me to her wedding, but I’m not going to say anything because she’s on my side about the whole Brooks thing, which is good ammo.  And can you believe how evil Vicki was for swearing on Briana’s life that I was lying about her having sex with that guy in Cabo?  Like I would make that up!  What would I gain from that? I didn’t want to have to go there, but Vicki’s head is just so far up Brook’s butt that it left me no choice.  Plus she said I started dating Eddie before I left Simon, which is a total lie.  It was a month before I started dating Eddie.  Two weeks at the very least.  Vicki, if you’re reading this, pull your head out and I’ll quit telling your secrets on TV, ok?  Bitch.

Well guys, it’s been a great season for me!  I made a new friend and I got engaged to my hot boyfriend, which I totally deserve after all the crap I’ve been through in previous seasons.  Hopefully you’ll get to watch me running my fitness studio and planning my wedding in Season 8!

"And on that note..."

What are your final thoughts for Season 7?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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