Sunday, September 16, 2012

Real Housewives of Miami: Retooled and Ridonk

Tropical Tarts

What a treat!  I get to explore yet another city full of Housewives!  This last spring I became intimate with the ladies of Orange County and now for one week only, I am honored to introduce you to the latest Miami girls!  Your regular recapper had to miss the first one, so I’m kicking this season off.

A quick trip around informed me that only three cast members survived season one of this tackifest, so we are meeting four entirely new evil women tonight.  There’s also a straggler, Alexia, from season one who will be popping in now and then.  From what I can tell from just one episode, these women actually seem to be well-funded, which I’m not used to, having just finished Orange County where they’re all living foreclosure to foreclosure.  But cash aside, the delusions of grandeur run just as rampant.  In fact, I was hard pressed to find ANY cast member likeable.  They are each just SO concerned with impressing themselves and being defensive about it that I had to work to even stay focused.  I fell asleep several times during the first viewing.  But enough about me - let’s meet these bitches! 

Marysol (Guava)

We begin by jewelry shopping with veteran Marysol and her mother Elsa, who looks like a muppet in a hospital burn unit.  Elsa says something about the plastic surgeon “who ruined her face,” so at least she’s not walking around thinking that disaster on top of her shoulders looks good. 

"Do you carry anything in the full facial coverage category?"

Marysol’s face isn’t quite as tragic, but it still looks beyond messed with.  Marysol tells us that she and her husband are separated, news that shakes me to the core.  Elsa tells Marysol she foresees new people in her life.  Elsa is psychic, you see.  That comment had nothing to do with the new cast members.   

Ana (Cherry)

Next we drop in on newcomer Ana, who WISHES she still looked like her adolescent daughters and is most definitely making use of plastic surgery to fool herself into thinking she does.  She tells us she’s a lawyer, but has recently fallen in love with cooking.  Her husband Robert and she have been separated for two years, but they’re still besties and spend all their time together.  Sounds like a wise idea to end that failure of a marriage.  Ana assures us that their family is not traditional but that she does not care what we think about it and that’s the truth.  I guess that’s fair since it’s safe to say that I don’t care about ANYTHING Ana thinks either.  Ana was surprised to discover that it was not possible to be a full time mom and a full time lawyer.  Yeah, when you try to take 100% away from 100% and find you are left with nothing, you realize that math is hard. 

Ana joins Marysol in a baby pink office where Marysol is on the phone with her mother discussing the “lost dog” posters she is making for her.  So obviously Marysol has a full-to-bursting career going as well. 

"Believe me, mom.  D-A-W-G is how the kids are spelling it now."

Ana tells Marysol about husband Robert’s 30-year-old Colombian girlfriend.  Ah, this may explain the separation.  Will the young Latina be joining our divorcing besties for dinner?

Karent (Sour Grape)

And speaking of Colombian girlfriends, let’s meet newbie Karent!  Karent is strutting out of her house and into her bright red convertible Mercedes fresh out of the professional makeup chair in her bathroom.  She informs us that lots of people don’t like her just because of who she is.  Aaaand... who might that be?  Well, she is Colombian and when she was a young girl competed in MANY beauty pageants, which gave her an extra edge.  Yeah, those Toddlers and Tiaras girls are BRUTAL.  Apparently Karent took all of her beauty pageant experience and became a dentist.  Must have been all those flippers she surely had to wear.  She sits down with her first patient of the day and immediately pulls out her iPhone to show him tons of pictures of herself on a red carpet.  I love it when my dentist does that - especially when I’m taking time off of work to squeeze in a cleaning.  It seems that Karent was on a red carpet because she was with her boyfriend, Rodolpho, who is a Latin soap star. Oh okay, now we’re getting to why she thinks people don’t like her. 

At home, at work... it's all the same to Rodolpho.

She’s also heard rumors that our lawyer friend Ana has been flirting madly with Rodolpho at various events.  Well, doesn’t Ana deserve a little Colombian treat on the side like her husband?  Bonus for soap star Rodolpho:  Karent’s parents live with her.

Lea (Watermelon)

Now we meet old veteran Lea.  Lea puzzles me because she honestly looks about 60 but clearly THINKS she looks 27.  She also clearly thinks that if she yells loud enough we’ll all understand just how important she is.  She walks us through a house, telling us that her real estate agent convinced her to buy it when the market crashed, but that it has SO many problems that she just wants to tear it down and start again.  That is one interesting story.  Are we supposed to be invested here?

"What have you tricked me into buying?  The local homeless shelter??"

She explains that the house is on Star Island, which is the most exclusive place to live in Miami.  Oh, I guess now we’re supposed to be invested?  Did you know Rosie O’Donnell has a house on Star Island?  Do you care yet?  Well try this.  Someone bought the property two houses down and Lea is dying to know who because it might be a celebrity!  Sidebar: The camera keeps panning over Star Island from the air and I keep wondering why it’s not called Circle Island, because it’s clearly not star-shaped.  Then it hits me:  STARS LIVE THERE.  Wow.  As if celebrities don’t get enough validation, they have to name their neighborhood Star Island.  Lovely, lovely people.

Lisa (Pineapple)

Well, we might as well meet newcomer Lisa, who is a self-proclaimed “walking ad” for her husband’s plastic surgery practice.  These women are getting worse as we go.  Lisa DEFINITELY looks like an ad for plastic surgery, but I wouldn’t be so quick to brag about that if I were her.  I must be jealous.  Lisa’s husband is known as the Boob God.  How flattering.  He looks like a guy who no one paid attention to in high school, so he learned how to inflate boobs and got himself a wife made of putty he can mold and show off.  Guess what.  These are Lea’s new (not-celebrity) neighbors on Star Island!  Gasp!! Lisa hopes that the new neighborhood will be more tolerant of all the “sexy parties” they throw.  LOL.  By the looks of these two I predict their parties could be themed “Tarts and Doofuses.”  Lisa is a true housewife, meaning she stays at home and directs the servants.  Servants who are apparently in it for the free surgery.  Maid Daysy is getting free lipo, boobs and a tummy tuck out of this arrangement.  Well, maybe “free” is pushing it because she does have to put up with these people every day and currently Lisa is forcing her to work out because she has to lose weight before her surgery. 

What's the point of all that sculpting surgery if you still have to work out?

Joanna (Mango)

Now for another lady I hope never to meet, new girl Joanna.  Joanna is a model and therefore better and more worthy than ALL of us.  She’s in the middle of a shoot for Ocean Drive Magazine.  We get a montage of all of her splayed-legged magazine covers for the likes of Maxim, Playboy and Stuff.  Oh, she’s also an anti-fur activist which proves that she is not only smart, but also very moral.  Joanna is engaged to Romain, who owns Mint Lounge, “one of the hottest nightclubs in Miami.”  I wonder if he’s as sexy as Brent Bolthouse. 

I know, sorry.

Joanna’s younger sister, Marta, lives with Joanna and Romain, and seems like just as much of a treat as Joanna!  She proves herself useful by ratting to Joanna that she overheard someone in the photography crew say that this shoot is not for a cover, but an inside piece.  Joanna flips out, calling her agent and demanding a cover or a revocation of the magazine’s rights to all photos of her. 

"Do you think I pull my hair all the way back just to be in an EDITORIAL?"

Don’t mess with this girl, okay?  She carries protest signs like nobody’s business.  Don’t you know she’s been on 120 covers?  Why would she regress to an editorial at this stage of the game?  What is this, America’s Next Top Model?  Oh look, here’s Romain.  Hmm, he’s not quite the repulsive nerd Brent Bolthouse is.  We learn that Joanna tends to drink a lot and start fights.  No way, this girl?  But she seems so self-assured with nothing to prove! 
Adriana (Lemon)

Next we have veteran Adriana and her fiance Frederic.  These two should be first on the guest list for the next Tarts and Doofuses party.  We get a tour of Frederic’s most recent purchase, a vintage yacht.  It’s a total wreck, but Frederic has major plans to refit it and rub it in everyone’s face. 

"Who's going to be jealous that I live HERE?"

Adriana’s main concern is that the renovation will include a walk-in closet.  It’s always nice to spend time with grounded people who have their priorities in order. 

We’ve come back around to Marysol, who is arriving at her mother Elsa’s house to report on her progress hanging “lost dog” posters.  Just as she completes her story, the missing dog comes running into the room.  Apparently he’s been in a closet for a day.  Aw man!  Who watched the baby pink office while Marysol so diligently posted signs around Miami?  Elsa is worried that the dog might be trying to commit suicide, to which I say, who could blame him?  Elsa wants an update on Marysol’s marriage and we find out that she’s still separated.  Nothing has changed since the beginning of the episode.  It seems that Elsa would like Marysol to just get divorced already and move along with her life.  She gets so worked up about it that her maid has to come sing to her to calm her down. 

"No hay banda!  Silencio!"

Elsewhere in the MIA, Lea and Adriana sit down to gossip and Lea complains about her Star Island house that needs to be torn down.  Adriana mentions that her friend Lisa just bought a house on Star Island and Lea’s celebrity neighbor hopes are dashed before our eyes.  She instructs Adriana to bring the new neighbors to a wine and food festival on Sunday so that Lea can examine them in person. 

Best-friends-and-soon-to-be-divorced Robert and Ana are working away at the law office they manage together.  Geez, for two people who couldn’t bear to be married to each other for one more minute, these two sure spend a lot of time together.  There’s a rift in the business because Ana wants to move their office to Coral Gables, but Robert wants to stay where they are.  I know I can hardly stand waiting for the resolution to this earth shattering crisis. 

And it’s off to the wine and food festival!  Marysol, Ana and sometimes recurring Housewife Alexia are riding together in a limo.  We learn that Alexia has a son who is turning 15 and has survived a terrible car accident.  I wonder if Alexia is still as vacant as the rest of these ladies after having been confronted with real life like that. 

At the festival everyone is introduced to each other and air kisses are thrown.  Then in walks matronly Lea, here to preside over the party.  Marysol is nervous because the last time she saw Lea it was confrontational.  But Lea doesn’t have time to get into it with Marysol because she is too busy snubbing new neighbor Lisa.

"I'll only talk to others wearing hooded cloaks!"

Lisa tries to greet Lea, but Lea brushes her aside and makes a huge fuss over burned muppet Elsa.  Lisa is particularly perturbed that someone could be so nonchalant about the wife of the Boob God, live and in person.  She tries to get Lea’s attention by suggesting that they all do shots, but Lea is not impressed.  In other awkward intros, Joanna tells Elsa she understands that she is a psychic or spiritual healer or something.  Elsa acts sedated, mumbles that she doesn’t do anything and that she needs a chair.  Nice to meet you too! 

Oh goody, here’s Karent, our edgy Colombian dentist and her soap star boyfriend.  Ana is happy to see soap star Rodolpho because apparently she has been carrying on some sort of texting relationship with him.  When they come face to face Rodolpho tells Ana it’s nice to meet her and kisses her on the cheek.  Ha!  What does THAT mean?  Ana mentions something about herself and Rodolpho to Joanna who whispers it to someone else and the next thing you know there is a hubbub around the party as to whether or not Karent and Rodolpho are actually a couple.  Adriana, for one, is confused because she KNOWS that Karent and Rodolpho are a couple.  Will this mystery ever be solved?

In other drama, Romain texts Joanna something bad about Marta (I didn’t quite catch what) and Marta sees the text and starts to cry.  She tells the other girls that Romain will tell her she looks fat when she leaves the house.  You know, all three people in that household sound miserable and like people to be avoided at all costs.  Meanwhile, Elsa faints.  Or at least falls down on the floor.  Someone calls 911 and Elsa is taken away by a bunch of blurred faces on a stretcher.  Hopefully to a burn specialist.  Well done, Elsa!  The focus came right back around to you! 

Somewhere in Miami an actual emergency goes unaided.

This season you can pop some popcorn to watch lots of old ladies strutting their surgically enhanced butts in string bikinis, the proverbial girls-trip-turned-giant-cat-fight, and a completely contrived rivalry between “New Miami Money” and “Old Miami Money.”  Mostly you can expect to continually see faces stretched so thin on facial bone that no expression is possible.  I’m pretty sure we eventually get to fisticuffs.  Tarts and Doofuses!  I’m calling it now.

So what do you all think of the new cast?  Anyone got a hankering for some plastic surgery?

Thanks for reading!

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