Thursday, January 12, 2006

EPISODE 1: Sweet Travis, This is Your LAST Rose for Tonight

Ahhhh…the Bachelor returns. When we meet Roy, errr, I mean, sweet Travis, Chris specifically mentions about four hundred times that he is the best bachelor on the show EVER. I find that statement a little tacky, because, frankly, what’s the difference? AND how is Andrew Firestone supposed to feel when he’s watching the show? Men don’t like to be differentiated – I think a better assertion would have been – “Meet Travis, he’s exactly like every other man we’ve had on the Bachelor” then pan to a sparkle-in-the-eye smile shot of Travis. Then the collective American imagination would have been appeased with the familiar, except now, we’re all left wondering – what is so special and great about Travis?

Before I go on, I want to pay homage to this show as THE quintessential HoneyGangsta / GnomeCorp show…the real reason why this blog was created. This is THE show that I will miss watching with you the most :( *sigh*

Ok, back to the parade of monkeys. This will come as no surprise to you, as you know how I feel about this whole situation, but I kept thinking, why would I want to put myself in a position where I would have to - not only have a limited amount of time to get a man’s attention and “win” his affections, but also to compete with other women? – what a nightmare. A few of the ladies stood out in my mind – the token black woman, whose name is PRINCESS *barf* WTF? Seriously? I hope she’s not the boss of anyone. [amendment – I looked it up, she’s a substitute teacher, and her best attribute is that she’s thorough, alright then.] Against the tradition of the Bachelor, she did not make it past the first round – I was shocked! Are they racists? Kicking off the sole black woman on the first show, I can’t believe their boldness.

Then comes Cole - who specifies - "like, Nicole, without the Ni" ... I was thinking - "like Cole trickle, from Days of Thunder." Just a side thought.

Then we meet Allie G, who right away let’s the world know that her eggs are rotting and they need to be fertilized ASAP! She then pulls sweet Travis aside and tells him – “Listen, I am in a reproductive phase in my life.” Dead seriously. “So pick me!” That was about as dead a giveaway that she wasn’t getting a rose that night as the divorce of Brad Pitt when he chose Rachel as a wife. HELLO! The best part was when she pulled him to the side after the rose ceremony and demanded to know why not her – I personally think it was the mole on her face, but whatever.

Then we come to the Canadian, who right away says: “eh?” Sarah B. is a bubbly and outgoing Canadian. But the Canadian definitely has a spark of light when it comes to men (which isn’t really hard, so let’s not give the Canadian too much credit.) The Canadian tells sweet Travis, in a random and not-in-context way, “I love to go camping.”

Sweet Travis: “You know, I have to tell you something, I really like a girl who likes to go camping.”

The Canadian: (Feigning stupidity) “Oh really? Wicked.”

And guess what happens next!!!!!!!!! The Canadian get’s the first non-rose ceremony rose! SHOCK!!! No way!!!! That was SOOO out of nowhere…I mean, who saw that one coming? I wonder what it was about the Canadian that triggered something for sweet Travis? Golly, geeee…men are so complicated and hard to figure out. He says NO to fertilizing eggs, and YES to camping…he IS THE BEST BACHELOR EVER! Totally different than any other bachelor, or man for that matter, in the history of men everywhere.

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